Month: December 2013

The 2014 Climb

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Marriage, Relationships

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A friend posted this morning that 2013 has been a year of ups and downs and he was caught somewhere between dirt and sky. I love this statement! It’s exactly how I feel.

My professional life is ending on a great note this year. I have grown as a manager, I have two great staff and at a turtle’s pace we are beginning to make a difference in the public housing communities in which I work. What I have most loved about work this year is having gained the ability to trust my staff and losing the need to control every aspect of my work. It took some time, but I made it!

My personal life flipped over several times, crashed into a tree and went off the cliff. It’s been rough. Separation is no fun, but I’m growing as a person during this trial. My prayer life has grown tremendously because God left me no other choice. Lol. He was kind enough to warn me what was coming, but it didn’t lessen the impact of the hurt that brought me to my knees. I lost my husband, best friend, lover and more. You can make the list as long as you want, everything was all rolled up into that one person. That is unhealthy behavior and quite frankly idolatry. I put too much pressure on him to be everything. It constantly made me feel disappointed and I’m sure made him feel like a failure.

God always has a plan though and if you let him correct your mistakes he will. I knew that us being apart was the only way to potentially save us. I just didn’t know how I would survive it. I felt like I was thrown from a trapeze into a free fall not knowing when I would hit bottom. In the process of this I just began to ask God what he wanted to get out of me so it could all be over. I wasn’t angry or ready to turn my back on him because of the pain. I was running as fast as I could to the shelter of his arms. I found the strength to take the force of the impact and any ripple effects there.

He said he wanted my full attention, to quit worrying about my husband. He said he wanted me to invite him in and relinquish control and that once I did I would no longer be allowed to do anything but let him work. I got no sleep that evening. Anxiety kept me up all night. The trinity had lost their minds, lol. I was under the impression that I have been controlling everything since I was a child. I was so wrong of course! So this very important relationship was on the line and I said ok God I invite you in and I won’t do anything. Well that didn’t last, but a few hours. I called my friend in distress cause my anxiety levels were doing nothing but increasing. She tried to be nice, but she let me have it. It basically came down to get yourself together, repent and follow instructions. So I did. It’s months later and I’ve managed to obey.

My complete focus wasn’t on God though it was still on my husband until about a week ago. He made me so angry that I just said Lord that’s it. This is exhausting. I heard a chuckle and then God said, “I see my son has finally made you mad enough to focus on me. Are you ready?” With clenched fists I said yes and he replied great let’s do this. He was referring to healing all the broken pieces of my heart, so for the last week I’ve been praying and purging. He told me to make a picture of what I was leaving behind and what I was envisioning for 2014. He said I was to call it the 2014 climb. I made the picture and as I count down the hours to the new year, I have mentally gathered all my hiking gear. I know this will be the hardest climb yet, but I know he will be with me every step of the way. I can’t wait to see the view from the top.

I pray someone finds hope in my words. I always ask him what to write. Happy New Year!

To Bike or Not

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Marriage, Relationships

It’s been a week of tears. It seems I have many reasons to be sad, yet I persevere. The one I love is minutes from me physically, but infinitely far emotionally. Joel Osteen had a podcast about choosing the types of memories you dwell on this week. You have good and bad memories, each affecting the brain in different ways.

I’ll think on memories that make me smile.

There were many moments in my marriage where I pondered if we’d be a reality show success. We were comical! I am as stubborn as a mule and used to getting my way. He is an arrogant african that struggled with traditional role reversal. We argued over nonsense most of the time.

Hubby’s first job was at Walmart. I so admire his work ethic. I am married to a tech genius who has not been able to work in his field since his arrival. His dreams of owning a business inspired me. Reality was just not catching the vision.

I was late picking him up one evening. I don’t even remember why. He was furious. So furious that he had bought a bike to ride about twelve miles home. Lol! I wonder how long that would’ve taken.

When I arrived at the Walmart he was sitting outside with the bike sulking. I hope I apologized, but that’s a toss up given my personality then. He began to ride the bike to the main road and I’m following him in the car with the hazard lights flashing. I am driving at a snail’s pace yelling at him to get in the car and he just keeps on pedaling occasionally yelling back. I was on the phone with my sister who was laughing so hard she couldn’t breathe. It’s close to midnight and we’re acting like two lunatics.

The road began to have an incline. He was struggling, but he was determined not to lose the argument. I tried logic. We were in Chesterfield and had to stop the madness before the cops noticed. Logic didn’t work so I went back to yelling out the window. Sure enough the police pulled us over. He seemed unsure of how to begin questioning us. I after all was following a man on a bike. “Is everything ok,” he asked. I looked at Godwin who was looking at me. You know that youthful I told you so song, it was killing me not to be able to sing it. I replied by telling it all. “Officer I’m trying to get my husband to get in the car so we can go home, but he refuses.” I wonder what his thoughts about us were as he looked from me to Godwin.

Finally Godwin had to yield to circumstances and get in the car. We returned the bike and went home like somewhat normal people.

In those days anger didn’t linger for weeks or months. It was short-term because I married a peacekeeper. I miss those days. I miss arguments over stupid things that can’t destroy marriages. I’m choosing only to remember what makes me laugh right now because it lessens the burdens of my heart. I can close my eyes and travel back to this moment as I doze off smiling.

May every person who is blessed to be with their spouse this holiday throw their heads back and laugh from their souls!

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