A friend posted this morning that 2013 has been a year of ups and downs and he was caught somewhere between dirt and sky. I love this statement! It’s exactly how I feel.
My professional life is ending on a great note this year. I have grown as a manager, I have two great staff and at a turtle’s pace we are beginning to make a difference in the public housing communities in which I work. What I have most loved about work this year is having gained the ability to trust my staff and losing the need to control every aspect of my work. It took some time, but I made it!
My personal life flipped over several times, crashed into a tree and went off the cliff. It’s been rough. Separation is no fun, but I’m growing as a person during this trial. My prayer life has grown tremendously because God left me no other choice. Lol. He was kind enough to warn me what was coming, but it didn’t lessen the impact of the hurt that brought me to my knees. I lost my husband, best friend, lover and more. You can make the list as long as you want, everything was all rolled up into that one person. That is unhealthy behavior and quite frankly idolatry. I put too much pressure on him to be everything. It constantly made me feel disappointed and I’m sure made him feel like a failure.
God always has a plan though and if you let him correct your mistakes he will. I knew that us being apart was the only way to potentially save us. I just didn’t know how I would survive it. I felt like I was thrown from a trapeze into a free fall not knowing when I would hit bottom. In the process of this I just began to ask God what he wanted to get out of me so it could all be over. I wasn’t angry or ready to turn my back on him because of the pain. I was running as fast as I could to the shelter of his arms. I found the strength to take the force of the impact and any ripple effects there.
He said he wanted my full attention, to quit worrying about my husband. He said he wanted me to invite him in and relinquish control and that once I did I would no longer be allowed to do anything but let him work. I got no sleep that evening. Anxiety kept me up all night. The trinity had lost their minds, lol. I was under the impression that I have been controlling everything since I was a child. I was so wrong of course! So this very important relationship was on the line and I said ok God I invite you in and I won’t do anything. Well that didn’t last, but a few hours. I called my friend in distress cause my anxiety levels were doing nothing but increasing. She tried to be nice, but she let me have it. It basically came down to get yourself together, repent and follow instructions. So I did. It’s months later and I’ve managed to obey.
My complete focus wasn’t on God though it was still on my husband until about a week ago. He made me so angry that I just said Lord that’s it. This is exhausting. I heard a chuckle and then God said, “I see my son has finally made you mad enough to focus on me. Are you ready?” With clenched fists I said yes and he replied great let’s do this. He was referring to healing all the broken pieces of my heart, so for the last week I’ve been praying and purging. He told me to make a picture of what I was leaving behind and what I was envisioning for 2014. He said I was to call it the 2014 climb. I made the picture and as I count down the hours to the new year, I have mentally gathered all my hiking gear. I know this will be the hardest climb yet, but I know he will be with me every step of the way. I can’t wait to see the view from the top.
I pray someone finds hope in my words. I always ask him what to write. Happy New Year!
The Unconventional Life 