Month: April 2014

The Power of Choice

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, depression, Faith, Inspiration, Marriage, mental health, Relationships, Separation

This morning was just like any other. I got ready for work listening to the Tom Joyner Morning Show. This show starts my days with laughter five days a week. I walked into beaming sunshine, closed the car door and my eyes began to tear up.

I had no idea why I was about to have a serious meltdown in my driveway. I call these Eyore days. Eyore is just depressed no matter what. I considered that I was not wearing waterproof mascara and decided today was not a great day to lose it for unknown reasons.

This is what battling depression is like for me. One minute your laughing the next you’re pulling kleenex like an automated machine. My view on this is its a spiritual condition with natural symptoms. Others may have a different view and my American self is totally ok with that. I value diversity and believe in everyone’s right to have an opinion.

I made a choice this morning to be happy instead. I had to keep repeating the joy of the Lord is my strength. I had to smile. I had to declare it was going to be a great day. This is how I chose to direct my day. Choices have power. My day had some hiccups. Sadness tried to win the arm wrestle, but my choice to be happy was the victor.

Millions suffer with depression. I was blessed to work at the Mental Health Association of Virginia many years ago. I got the job after having a nervous breakdown. I know that during this phase of my life I really needed to be on medication. Getting up every day was a serious struggle. However, my family was not in support of meds. Meds and therapy equal crazy to black people.

I got to work around persons with all types of  mental illnesses. I got to hear the stories they shared. I got to develop a plan to raise money for this important cause. I lobbied our state legislature. This experience was one I’ll never forget. I learned about God’s compassion and concern for me. I was divinely placed amongst people I could draw strength from. They made daily choices to be strong.

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I chose to share a smile via social media today, because you never know who may need one. Your choices could be helping someone. This is why I blog. I simply want to share a positive outlook no matter my circumstances. Smiles are contagious. Be sure to pass one along!

The Adverse Effect of Neglect

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Marriage, Relationships, Separation, Uncategorized

About a month ago my therapist gave me homework to complete with my husband since we had no pre-marital counseling. I walked out of my appointment that day feeling a bit hopeless and afraid. I didn’t know how I was going to bring this core values list back to my next session. As luck would have it, I had to cancel my appointment. I was relieved! It has yet to be rescheduled.

A week ago, my husband called and asked me what I thought we could do differently. This was my chance to get this task done and I took it. We sat at the kitchen table and I wrote down our lists. We decided that night he would move back. I should have been doing some sort of celebratory actvity, but I couldn’t. The more I reflected on the lists, the more I realized I would be living the same neglected life I had before. His list only included his individual needs. My list had individual and couple items.

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I feel like a misunderstood mime at times. I send important thoughts through emails because of this. I have had to learn how to effectively communicate, but often feel like he manipulates my words to his benefit. This is a very empty state of being. I came up with a metaphor comparing myself to an ATM machine. If there are no deposits made, you can’t withdraw anything. I am in desperate need of deposits, but that is not on his values list. I asked for the husband to spend more quality time with the wife. Of the examples I gave, he hesitantly agreed to do one possibly two. Date night to him equals watching a movie rental every Friday.

So I sent another email saying I want a husband that does x y z. As I was typing it I realized he is not that husband. While I desired to be a better wife over these months, he doesn’t appear to match that with his efforts. This account balance is negative and the machine has seized his card. It’s amazing the support I have found through others, but I truly want that to come from who I married. I don’t know much about his father, but it sounds like he spent very little quality time with his family.

I have found my voice and communication skills, as well as more of myself. I know I don’t want to be a neglected, invisible wife. What happens from here I’m not sure. I’m like a turtle who is constantly forced to retreat to the safety of its shell.

I do know this, in my faith the husband is supposed to love the wife as Christ loved the church. Love does not neglect or manipulate. Selfishness does. Marriages should be more about selflessness I have learned. When your partner, spouse or whatever expresses a great need do not leave a void. There is a danger in letting someone else make that person feel appreciated and valued.

So here I am in the safety of the shell. There’s just one problem, my greatest desire is to be out in the light experiencing the true benefits of a selfless kinda love.

Multiplication and Problem Solving

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, mental health, Relationships, Separation, Uncategorized

I opened a piece of mail at work today from www.poets.org.  I had forgotten that I had requested a poster for national poetry month. It has a Walt Whitman verse with the sky as a background.

“Failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged,

Missing me one place search another,

I stop somewhere waiting for you.”

Sometimes words swirl in my head and produce feelings that need to be identified due to their mystery.  I’m presently thinking about love and my avoidance of it.  I never trusted it much. I tried to push my husband away on my terms because how I love that one man.  Pushing and pulling, years and years of it.  I was very afraid of loving someone that much. As I reflect on my actions they just didn’t make much sense.  Gravity should have been going in the opposite direction all these years.

I tended to slip in and out of dark hiding places.  He would come to try and rescue or comfort me.  He was always trying to save me from myself.  I remember one evening he somehow ended up lying on the floor beside me and he said, “I can’t control what goes on in that little mind of yours, but I’m not going anywhere.” A lifetime trail of footprints of those that were before we created broken pieces of a heart that I tried to give to him.  You shouldn’t offer things to others that need repair.

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I look back over my virtual shoulder now and smile.  I’ve come a long way baby.  I feel strong, happy and free.  Hubby and I we’re like boomerangs that always find our way back to each other.  He doesn’t have the same wife though and I’m glad.  I’m thankful for this time, even under these crazy circumstances, that I have had to work on myself.  I’ve used exercise, prayer and therapy to become a better self.  I’ve been accomplishing things physically and emotionally that are amazing.

I will never forget the sermon where my pastor taught that anxiety and stress were a sin instead of a condition to be managed.  It changed how I looked at my behaviors.  I was able to take that to God in prayer and ask to be set free.  Panic attacks feel like heart attacks.  Depression was another long drawn out battle that I was often not the victor in.  I have not been depressed in months.  When I am overwhelmed now, I choose to exercise, pray or find something to be thankful for.

The puzzle isn’t solved.  I’ll continue to face challenges on this journey to becoming the best wife and mother and overall human I can possibly be.  Family is an unmeasurable treasure I took for granted.  I have had losses and gains over this last year.  I chose to start my day with yoga and prayer this morning.  I wanted something positive to focus on today.

Jude 1:2 – May mercy and peace and love be multiplied to you.

I have chosen to focus on this verse today.  A person that thrives in stress needs to become acquainted with peace.  A woman that was better at destroying than building a home needs mercy to have it restored.  Most importantly of all, everyone needs love.  All these things require a choice to be made to give.  Sometimes you may give more than you receive.  Some days my husband is unlovable, but I choose to love him because I remember the days where he chose to love me in times past.  We had one of the worst arguments we’ve had in a while last week via email and texting.  Buried in the center of his email was a statement of need, “I need you to be my wife and lady. Every man needs this.”  Those words made every other word disappear into nothingness.  I can meet this challenge, so I smile.  Every day I work on me and I celebrate every accomplishment.  I am helping others and that is the greatest gift of all.