I opened a piece of mail at work today from www.poets.org. I had forgotten that I had requested a poster for national poetry month. It has a Walt Whitman verse with the sky as a background.
“Failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged,
Missing me one place search another,
I stop somewhere waiting for you.”
Sometimes words swirl in my head and produce feelings that need to be identified due to their mystery. I’m presently thinking about love and my avoidance of it. I never trusted it much. I tried to push my husband away on my terms because how I love that one man. Pushing and pulling, years and years of it. I was very afraid of loving someone that much. As I reflect on my actions they just didn’t make much sense. Gravity should have been going in the opposite direction all these years.
I tended to slip in and out of dark hiding places. He would come to try and rescue or comfort me. He was always trying to save me from myself. I remember one evening he somehow ended up lying on the floor beside me and he said, “I can’t control what goes on in that little mind of yours, but I’m not going anywhere.” A lifetime trail of footprints of those that were before we created broken pieces of a heart that I tried to give to him. You shouldn’t offer things to others that need repair.
I look back over my virtual shoulder now and smile. I’ve come a long way baby. I feel strong, happy and free. Hubby and I we’re like boomerangs that always find our way back to each other. He doesn’t have the same wife though and I’m glad. I’m thankful for this time, even under these crazy circumstances, that I have had to work on myself. I’ve used exercise, prayer and therapy to become a better self. I’ve been accomplishing things physically and emotionally that are amazing.
I will never forget the sermon where my pastor taught that anxiety and stress were a sin instead of a condition to be managed. It changed how I looked at my behaviors. I was able to take that to God in prayer and ask to be set free. Panic attacks feel like heart attacks. Depression was another long drawn out battle that I was often not the victor in. I have not been depressed in months. When I am overwhelmed now, I choose to exercise, pray or find something to be thankful for.
The puzzle isn’t solved. I’ll continue to face challenges on this journey to becoming the best wife and mother and overall human I can possibly be. Family is an unmeasurable treasure I took for granted. I have had losses and gains over this last year. I chose to start my day with yoga and prayer this morning. I wanted something positive to focus on today.
Jude 1:2 – May mercy and peace and love be multiplied to you.
I have chosen to focus on this verse today. A person that thrives in stress needs to become acquainted with peace. A woman that was better at destroying than building a home needs mercy to have it restored. Most importantly of all, everyone needs love. All these things require a choice to be made to give. Sometimes you may give more than you receive. Some days my husband is unlovable, but I choose to love him because I remember the days where he chose to love me in times past. We had one of the worst arguments we’ve had in a while last week via email and texting. Buried in the center of his email was a statement of need, “I need you to be my wife and lady. Every man needs this.” Those words made every other word disappear into nothingness. I can meet this challenge, so I smile. Every day I work on me and I celebrate every accomplishment. I am helping others and that is the greatest gift of all.
The Unconventional Life 