Month: July 2014

Darling I Am Here For You

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, Relationships, Separation, Uncategorized

If you love someone be present.

Darling I am here for you. I am here exposed as naked as I can be in a brightness like a surgeon’s light in an operating room. Will you cut me open and discover what lies beneath my surface? I am here even when I don’t want to be. I am present. No longer hiding behind locked doors or barricaded in between walls. I am present. I proudly raise my hand like a kindergartner when you call my name and acknowledge I am here with you.

Whether it be familiar or unknown. Light or dark. I am here with you to express and discover love as it changes and takes on new forms. It’s meaning may change with seasons, but I will always be present in the words I do. I will accept challenges. I will pursue peace with all my might. I will love and be loved because it is my divine right to do so. I am now. Not future or past. Not unforgiving or anxious. Just now. I am a gentle touch, a reassuring word, a prayer warrior.

I am part of a family no matter its challenges. My identity is weaved amidst each member. My security and assurances recorded in ancient text in chapters and verses. I am present to be in my role acknowledging that I have purpose. Accepting my responsibilities. I am present to participate. I am present to live.

I feel love at my fingertips. In my heart. At the brush of your lips in happier times. Love’s energy flows through each step that connects with earth. Love is captured in each photographed memory. Close your eyes and remember its sound. Darling I am here for you. I am here exposed as naked as I can be.

Don’t Wonder

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, depression, Faith, Inspiration, Marriage, mental health, Relationships, Separation

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Don’t wonder in the midst of trials. Pray. Don’t wonder about life. Explore. Write your own story mistakes and all. Just don’t sit on the sidelines watching life pass you by like automatic scenes through a viewfinder.

Take pauses to enjoy gifts, friends and occassions. Take time to feel pain, love, joy or whatever it is you are brave enough to feel. Going to the edge and letting your toes dangle requires courage. Do not shut off your emotions and feel nothing. That’s simply emptiness.

Fill your vessel with life and let it overflow. Don’t wonder if you’re doing it right. Just try. Take baby steps if you must. Be repetative if necessary. It is your practice. It is your journey.

Don’t wonder about where it is you’re going. Let the journey lead you to your destiny. Be surprised along the way. Make memories. Cherish those worth cherishing and release those who are not. Be grateful for those you release because they still served a purpose on your journey.

Don’t wonder. Have faith. Believe with your heart in your divine purpose. Connect with your soul. Be aware and not scattered. Be strong and brave. Do not run or hide from stumbling blocks along your path. Warriors fight for truth. Find your truth. Discover the beauty in being yourself in spite of mental, physical or emotional challenges. Be free to embrace all of yourself. Don’t wonder. Just be.

Today I took a three hour workshop combining yoga and writing. This was something I wrote to encourage myself. I drove to the studio listening to Ed Sheeran crying. What to do when you have a child breaking your heart with bad life choices? For now I can only breathe, bend, pray and write.

Divine Curveballs

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, mental health, Relationships

I ignored the knock at the door like always. My son refuses to select better friends so I just ignore them in the same manner I ignore the daily heartbreak of his constant bad choices. The knocking became more urgent so I finally opened the door. The one thing that I felt in my spirit would happen and had been praying against had finally occurred.

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I had been thrown a divine curveball. I could let panic and anxiety overtake me as before, or I could exercise faith and trust at this critical moment.

I called. He’s not in the system. That takes hours, possibly tell midnight. I sat. I tossed and turned. As I woke before sunset, I thought Lord I’m not ready to hear out loud what I know. Give me one more hour. I checked my devotional and it was titled Turning Attitude Into Gratitude. http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/turning-attitude-into-grattitude/

Psalm 112:7 – They won’t be afraid of bad news; their hearts are steady cause they trust the Lord.

Today Jesus swooped down and saved me. I sat in the back of the courtroom. I watched mothers wiping tears from their eyes. I watched inmate after inmate be brought before the judge. I heard heartwrenching mental health cases. I saw my son in orange and I cried. Silent tears because I couldn’t express loud anguish in a courtroom. A scripture and a prior yoga class was providing enough counterweight to keep me steady.

Earth literally crumbled beneath my feet. I discovered I just had to rest in the palm of my creator’s hand. My reaction wasn’t what I expected of myself. Eerily calm. I am usually barking out orders fueled by adrenaline during crisises. Instead I just sat still, staring at a wall. I can no longer direct the actions of those in my life. They have choices to make as do I.

I feel distanced from my husband and son as I try to make better life choices. Spiritual obedience and a need for peace are my primary motivators. Constant dysfunction was having such a negative effect on my family. It crumbled, but new things can be built from ruins. I hope to reconnect with my son who has been living in a self-inflicted prison for the last four years. Mental prison or physical prison, which is worse? As his head lay in my lap for the first time in forever, I took a deep breath and prayed for the wisdom to parent the right way. I prayed for the strength to remain calm and be supportive.

It’s the last inning. Bases are loaded. I have two strikes. Heaven waits for my reaction as the curve ball is speeding towards home plate. I close my eyes and whisper I will not be afraid when I hear bad news because all things work together for the good for those who love the Lord. I remember Joseph and Daniel as I steady my hands to swing the bat. Simple choices in this moment will determine the future’s trajectory. Swing batter batter swing!

The Heart of the Matter

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, Relationships, Separation, Uncategorized

Two therapy sessions ago I was a bit panicked because I could not hear God. That meant Kathryn was doing nothing. Being in stealth mode waiting for instructions for undetermined amounts of time brings me face to face with anxiety. So we prayed, God spoke and the game of hide and seek was over.

We also prayed in my next session. What I heard made me angry and I wanted to politely ask Jesus to be quiet without fear of being struck by lightning. His words to me were Kathryn your husband is broken restore him back in love. My eyes immediately opened and I raised my voice at my therapist in protest. “This is not fair! What about me? Why do I have to keep trying when he acts like a complete jackass?” I was beyond upset, crying with no kleenex and waiting for my therapist to agree God was being unfair.

That’s not what happened. He very calmly told me I was holding on to unforgiveness and I needed to lay it down. Crying turned to sobbing, because I am hurdling offenses sometimes on a daily basis. I think I have kept going even though I have knocked down many hurdles I was unable to jump. I was asked if I was ready to pray over my own broken heart and lay it down. It was a very fast prayer because I didn’t want to hear anymore about the other party. I got the raised brow look from my therapist and I’m sure we’ll revisit this at some point.

The test came several days later. My husband just showed up because I didn’t answer the phone. I had plans for a pork festival that included beer tasting. As I stood there looking at him I knew barbecue and I would not meet up as I had planned. Apparently my facial expression was trying to communicate what my mouth wasn’t. When asked why I looked like I had a problem, I just looked at the floor. God give me strength to sacrifice southern barbecue and beer was my prayer.

He slept for hours and I sat in front of the TV. Of course I was annoyed, but I remembered my session. I referred back to my notes and I made a very hard decision. I decided to do as I was told and have dinner ready when he woke up. I wasn’t perfect in my actions, I grumbled and complained. Jesus and I were at odds, but above all else I truly desire to be in his image. It is beyond challenging! The husband woke up and I served him dinner and he left.

The emptiness you feel when nothing is returned for your giving can really mess with your mind. I was searching the bible this morning for something to hold onto today. Psalm 51 is going to have to be my lifeline for now.

Create in me a pure heart,God and make my spirit right again.Lord you really know I want to stand on a chair and punch him in the face, but someone made this phrase WWJD and I just can’t. Please help!

Give me back the joy of your salvation. Keep me strong by giving me a willing spirit.Abba here’s my own broken heart. Restore me in love as I try very hard to obey. It’s not always perfect, but please give me a pass for effort. May I never have to take this spiritual test again!

This week I have reflected on the state of my own heart and yup I have issues. Lord only knows when I will get out of therapy. God has a sense of humor though. All my devotionals for the last week have touched on difficult marital circumstances. I woke up this morning in tears because this doesn’t really feel like a marriage of any sorts and I’m just honestly burnt out. And then the devotional said the grace to keep going. Unbelievable!

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I’m just a person. This is my documented journey. I know others share in my struggles. Millions of them. So if we get to the very heart of the matter, love, the strength to accomplish everything else will eventually appear. This agape love is a mofo. Whew! I don’t understand the way God loves. I would have wiped us out a long time ago, but I’m trying and I hope I inspire someone to do the same.

I’ve been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it’s about forgiveness
Forgiveness