The Heart of the Matter

Two therapy sessions ago I was a bit panicked because I could not hear God. That meant Kathryn was doing nothing. Being in stealth mode waiting for instructions for undetermined amounts of time brings me face to face with anxiety. So we prayed, God spoke and the game of hide and seek was over.

We also prayed in my next session. What I heard made me angry and I wanted to politely ask Jesus to be quiet without fear of being struck by lightning. His words to me were Kathryn your husband is broken restore him back in love. My eyes immediately opened and I raised my voice at my therapist in protest. “This is not fair! What about me? Why do I have to keep trying when he acts like a complete jackass?” I was beyond upset, crying with no kleenex and waiting for my therapist to agree God was being unfair.

That’s not what happened. He very calmly told me I was holding on to unforgiveness and I needed to lay it down. Crying turned to sobbing, because I am hurdling offenses sometimes on a daily basis. I think I have kept going even though I have knocked down many hurdles I was unable to jump. I was asked if I was ready to pray over my own broken heart and lay it down. It was a very fast prayer because I didn’t want to hear anymore about the other party. I got the raised brow look from my therapist and I’m sure we’ll revisit this at some point.

The test came several days later. My husband just showed up because I didn’t answer the phone. I had plans for a pork festival that included beer tasting. As I stood there looking at him I knew barbecue and I would not meet up as I had planned. Apparently my facial expression was trying to communicate what my mouth wasn’t. When asked why I looked like I had a problem, I just looked at the floor. God give me strength to sacrifice southern barbecue and beer was my prayer.

He slept for hours and I sat in front of the TV. Of course I was annoyed, but I remembered my session. I referred back to my notes and I made a very hard decision. I decided to do as I was told and have dinner ready when he woke up. I wasn’t perfect in my actions, I grumbled and complained. Jesus and I were at odds, but above all else I truly desire to be in his image. It is beyond challenging! The husband woke up and I served him dinner and he left.

The emptiness you feel when nothing is returned for your giving can really mess with your mind. I was searching the bible this morning for something to hold onto today. Psalm 51 is going to have to be my lifeline for now.

Create in me a pure heart,God and make my spirit right again.Lord you really know I want to stand on a chair and punch him in the face, but someone made this phrase WWJD and I just can’t. Please help!

Give me back the joy of your salvation. Keep me strong by giving me a willing spirit.Abba here’s my own broken heart. Restore me in love as I try very hard to obey. It’s not always perfect, but please give me a pass for effort. May I never have to take this spiritual test again!

This week I have reflected on the state of my own heart and yup I have issues. Lord only knows when I will get out of therapy. God has a sense of humor though. All my devotionals for the last week have touched on difficult marital circumstances. I woke up this morning in tears because this doesn’t really feel like a marriage of any sorts and I’m just honestly burnt out. And then the devotional said the grace to keep going. Unbelievable!

I’m just a person. This is my documented journey. I know others share in my struggles. Millions of them. So if we get to the very heart of the matter, love, the strength to accomplish everything else will eventually appear. This agape love is a mofo. Whew! I don’t understand the way God loves. I would have wiped us out a long time ago, but I’m trying and I hope I inspire someone to do the same.

I’ve been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it’s about forgiveness
Forgiveness