I ignored the knock at the door like always. My son refuses to select better friends so I just ignore them in the same manner I ignore the daily heartbreak of his constant bad choices. The knocking became more urgent so I finally opened the door. The one thing that I felt in my spirit would happen and had been praying against had finally occurred.
I had been thrown a divine curveball. I could let panic and anxiety overtake me as before, or I could exercise faith and trust at this critical moment.
I called. He’s not in the system. That takes hours, possibly tell midnight. I sat. I tossed and turned. As I woke before sunset, I thought Lord I’m not ready to hear out loud what I know. Give me one more hour. I checked my devotional and it was titled Turning Attitude Into Gratitude. http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/turning-attitude-into-grattitude/
Psalm 112:7 – They won’t be afraid of bad news; their hearts are steady cause they trust the Lord.
Today Jesus swooped down and saved me. I sat in the back of the courtroom. I watched mothers wiping tears from their eyes. I watched inmate after inmate be brought before the judge. I heard heartwrenching mental health cases. I saw my son in orange and I cried. Silent tears because I couldn’t express loud anguish in a courtroom. A scripture and a prior yoga class was providing enough counterweight to keep me steady.
Earth literally crumbled beneath my feet. I discovered I just had to rest in the palm of my creator’s hand. My reaction wasn’t what I expected of myself. Eerily calm. I am usually barking out orders fueled by adrenaline during crisises. Instead I just sat still, staring at a wall. I can no longer direct the actions of those in my life. They have choices to make as do I.
I feel distanced from my husband and son as I try to make better life choices. Spiritual obedience and a need for peace are my primary motivators. Constant dysfunction was having such a negative effect on my family. It crumbled, but new things can be built from ruins. I hope to reconnect with my son who has been living in a self-inflicted prison for the last four years. Mental prison or physical prison, which is worse? As his head lay in my lap for the first time in forever, I took a deep breath and prayed for the wisdom to parent the right way. I prayed for the strength to remain calm and be supportive.
It’s the last inning. Bases are loaded. I have two strikes. Heaven waits for my reaction as the curve ball is speeding towards home plate. I close my eyes and whisper I will not be afraid when I hear bad news because all things work together for the good for those who love the Lord. I remember Joseph and Daniel as I steady my hands to swing the bat. Simple choices in this moment will determine the future’s trajectory. Swing batter batter swing!
The Unconventional Life 