How do I feel? That’s a loaded question I’ve been trying to avoid thinking about. The last two days have been very challenging. I feel exhausted, heartbroken, lonely, sad and hopeless.
I have no desire to live in an indefinite limbo. Not one part of me understands why I am married to someone I haven’t seen in two months. I had started the mental process of giving up last week. And then there was the text where he called me baby. I turned my head in all directions. I looked at the confirmation, yes baby, not knowing what to text afterwards. Naturally I asked why. Why do you refer to me with such a loving term when your actions scream otherwise at me? Your actions make me feel like I am nothing. That emptiness will be my only companion. He questioned what I had expected to be called. Nothing.
I have chosen exercise to try and cope with the ache in my heart. I don’t get to choose which days are harder than others. Eeyore days randomly choose me. I listened to Joyce Meyer yesterday preach on why feelings shouldn’t be a major factor making decisions. She spoke on their ability to derail everything. She used the scripture I had read right before turning on the podcast. Probably not a coincidence.
Galatians 6:9 – So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.
Did I mention I was tired and I can’t take anymore? My therapist is clever. I had stopped praying because I was afraid. That is the wrong thing to tell a Christian therapist. Yes, he made me pray last session. He said pray and declare over your family Kathryn and so I did. He then asked if I understood why he was giving me these instructions. Yes, because praying God’s will would not intentionally harm me was my reply.
I’m six months shy of my ninth anniversary. I remember leaving my two small children to fly across an ocean to marry someone. I remember fighting a five year immigration battle alone. I remember spending months researching immigration cases trying to get my husband here faster alone. Taking a suitcase full of clothes to a nephew I would never meet when he had nothing. I remember all the sacrifices I have made and that’s why I feel an indescribable amount of pain. How can you shift what hurts so bad?
I have so many unanswered questions. I keep trying to understand why there is no fulfillment. I am only half of the equation. My mind knows how a husband is supposed to love a wife and how that love would be multiplied and returned in greater quantities. I have nothing to increase or return. I return neglect with silence. Inevitably this will result in a negative outcome. Perhaps this is a cultural divide as wide as the grand canyon, but that doesn’t make it alright.
Today I am wallowing. I know that is not good. I feel so tired of living life this way. I’m only human. My heart wants to believe and hope in every biblical promise. It’s just hard when prayers continually go unanswered. It’s even harder when all you can hear are the lyrics to Jealous by Beyonce with head bowed and hands clasped. Perhaps that is my prayer. I relate to those words. I hate you for your lies and your colors. I hate us for making good love to each other. If you’re keeping your promise I’m keeping mine. Amen
I can only hope for a better tomorrow where laughter comes from deep within my soul instead of the tears that so frequently overflow from my heart.
The Unconventional Life 