Seven years ago, when my first marriage of fifteen years unexpectedly went belly up, I was involuntarily launched on what Joseph Campbell calls the Hero’s Journey. There are other names for this kind of experience. The writer Elizabeth Lesser calls it the Phoenix Process. Dante called it “the dark woods.” Whatever you call it, it’s a time of upheaval, pain, and eventually, transformation. And to be sure, the year I spent ending my marriage and recovering – perhaps from the marriage as much as the divorce – was one of the most powerful and potent of my life. I still look back on it with a sense of respect and awe.
What I didn’t understand for a long time, though, was that the year of my divorce was only the opening act in a much longer voyage. Life had a great deal more in store for me than merely the…
I recently attended a, seminar at my church, Fighting Back With Joy, by author Margaret Feinberg. Joy was not even on my radar, but I just felt like I should go. My whole thought process has been focused on gratitude. I’ve been trying so hard to make this an every day component of my life even if all I write down every day is the dog and my two sons. Armies don’t go into battle with one type of weapon though. That would be insane! There are more weapons! Not discounting gratitude of course, I think it has added another dimension of peace to my life. But then there’s the epic battle with depression, you need joy to fight great sadness.
Galatians 5:22-23 – But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control. There is no law against these things.
I went to the seminar alone. I don’t have friends to call up and say hey wanna hang out. I think the drama of a bad marriage caused me to lose the ones I had. It’s really hard listening to a person’s suffering on a daily basis. I tried not to be Debbie Downer, but you have friends to vent to right? I most definitely should have used my imagination to give conversational details about my every day life. I miss one friend a hell of a lot, she always made me laugh and she had a cat that I would go pet for eternity on really bad days. So what do you do when you lose your very limited quantity of friends? You pray for new ones that will be able to relate to your circumstances, otherwise everyone will keep dropping you like a bad habit.
I have met three women recently who can relate. I met the newest one at the church event. She was on a pursuit for joy. She shared her story, which was worse than my own, with a smile. I must say she was a beautiful soul and I was thankful that God was still answering my prayer. Even for something as small as having someone to enjoy breaks with for the evening.
I learned some very important things about how to fight with joy. The author was diagnosed with cancer and she shared how she had researched joy for an entire year, because that was her weapon to fight cancer. She was a great comedian! There was so much laughter during her presentation. Laughter feels so much better than crying.
So how do you load, aim and shoot joy at what knocks the breath out of you?
1. Poke holes in the darkness with laughter. Overcome despair and doubt with gratitude. Draw a line in your life and surround yourself with nontoxic people. So you may get kicked to the curb like I did if others in your life are doing this lol. Don’t take it personal!
Proverbs 17:22 ~ A cheerful heart is good medicine.
2. Remain suspicious God is up to something good.
Genesis 50:20 ~ You meant to hurt me, but God turned your evil into good to save the lives of many people, which is being done now.
I blog to purge my heart and soul of the tremendous amount of pain weighing me down. I need to be set free. We all know the divorce rate in this country is extremely high. That was one reason I chose to fly across an ocean and marry into a culture where divorce is pretty much not an option. I have no clue what my husband’s problem is, but it required me to shift my focus. It required me to say Lord what are you trying to teach me through this horrible experience? If I hadn’t been mistreated I wouldn’t have gone in search of the depths of God’s love. I was only experiencing surface love prior to all this marriage hell. Jesus showed up one day with an empty present and he gave it to me. He told me to put all the pain in the empty box so he could exchange it with his love. He said that was his primary purpose in my life. When I handed the box back, he began to send waves one at a time of his love. I was only able to physically withstand seven waves. I felt I was about to faint right in the therapist’s office. All I could ask is what kind of love is this? It’s too much. He took my pain that day and walked away with it. I have not been the same since. It is impossible to remain the same after such an experience.
3. Help others fight back with joy.
Be compassionate. Suffer with someone.
Be calm. Broken people don’t need you to fix them.
Be constructive. Ask them what they need.
Be consistent. Commit to be there for the long haul.
Be confessional. Ask God how to pray.
Our last act that evening was to release red balloons into the air to shift our focus from our problems up to God. I must confess at times I go back and forth with this. I’m determined to keep getting up after every fall until I learn to quit taking my problems back after prayer. I know my prayers are being heard. Oh the struggles of becoming a reformed control freak lol. Red balloons were the symbol of joy for the author.
So what weapons did you go into battle with? Anger, fear, depression, loneliness, despair. Trust me those weapons are useless. They will leave you crippled. The fruits of the Spirit are so much more effective. It’s like learning to operate at a Navy seal level versus that of a private. We all know that training is really going to kick your ass on a daily. But you come through it with things you didn’t even know you had. Buying Margaret's book. Don't we look joyful?!
My last sentence is borrowed from another author. Choose your weapons wisely and follow the divine instructions and I’ll see you on the other side.
God whispers to us in our pleasures, but he shouts to us in our pain. ~ C.S. Lewis
Psalm 51:10 – Create in me a pure heart God, and make my spirit right again.
Ever had to pray that scripture over and over again? I have. Your heart can be consumed with so many negative emotions from what happens in your life. Anger, bitterness and strife are just a few things that can poison your heart and spirit. My sin of choice tends to be anger.
April 11, 2015 I went to church. A prophet I had studied under before was in town. I had no intention of praying for my marriage. I considered that situation hopeless for many reasons. I spent most of the service praying for my oldest son. He seems to have forgotten his upbringing. I currently am still waiting for my child to return to his body and senses!
The speaker stopped preaching and said there are two homes here that are in trouble raise your hands. Well that was a no brainer so I raised my entire arm. Only one hand. Prophet repeats there are two people. He’s looking for the second person. I eventually have both arms in the air and am myself looking for the second person. I was becoming very embarrassed. I wasn’t even praying about this! Finally my former mentor got a microphone and told another woman it was also her marriage God was putting in the spotlight. Hallelujah! I could finally put my hands down! He looked at us and said, “God said do not worry about your marriages he will give you restitution. ”
I’m driving home repeating this word. Saying what just happened. Of course I knew the meaning of restitution, but my brain was not accepting the prophetic word. I went straight to dictionary.com, but the prophet had given a spiritual meaning while preaching.
Restitution – In a season of restitution God will have to restore everything you lost in an immature state.
So I should have been breakdancing right? Yeah, that’s so not what I did. Restore, restore, restore. I kept pacing and saying the word out loud. I got angrier and angrier. Finally anger spilled from my heart out of my mouth. “Jesus who the hell is supposed to give this restitution?! Do you not see what he’s done to me?”
Not your typical Christian prayer. Nope nope nope. Exit blog if you’re looking for the fake holy roller type. Now I DO NOT recommend praying in this manner at all for the record. I went to therapy demanding an explanation from the therapist. I went to yoga and tried to leave the anger on the mat. However, in deep relaxation God gave me a vision that screamed mercy for my husband. Now I had a prophetic word plus a vision.
Lord have mercy! It was just too much and in true black girl fashion hand went to hip, finger went up in the air, body roll plus shift and I was like really Jesus. I’m done! I’m so over it!
Eventually I just felt lost. I hate not having direction on what I should do. My hell raising, rebellious days ended years ago. One too many spiritual whoopings. Lol. I went to a soaking prayer service with journal in hand ready to write what thus saith the Lord. Ms. Shirley came by and kissed my forehead. She said, “God says he loves you and you are his daughter. There is nothing too hard for him and he will never leave you. Just give it to him and leave it. Ask him for what you want. Trust him.”
My problem was now compounded. Not only was I still angry, but I also had lost trust in God because this was pretty much what he said during the first separation and things had again fallen apart again. Sorry Jesus no deal! I will keep my anger and distrust this whole situation is shady.
I lay there crying. I wrote a prayer in my journal, but I didn’t directly ask for anything concerning my family. It took every breath and thought I had to trust God the first time. You can lose your mind when you know your spouse is dating and God says do nothing. That’s some serious heartbreak.
I did so much yoga trying to work through this message. So many asanas and still had the same problem. God finally said he would be silent until I was no longer angry.
May 22, 2015. I return to soaking prayer. Anger and unforgiveness has got to go cause WWJD is the question at hand! I hike near water to clear my mind. I love water and its calming affect. Hiking along the James river.
So if you’re a logical left brain worshipper here is where I’m about to ditch you. I used to be one of those kind myself. Attending a life altering workshop on worshipping with your right brain by Mark Virkler changed my life. I shall never return!
I stood with Jesus under a waterfall. We walked on river rocks. He knows I go to water and woods for peace and clarity. He placed his hand on my heart and I saw an electric current go through his arm to my heart. Jesus asked if I was ready to take some cleansing breaths so I said sure. He said breathe until it’s gone. I tried my best not to sound like Darth Vader in a prayer service, but you have to make that sound. Otherwise they’re not cleansing breaths. I inhaled air and exhaled anger and unforgiveness. Sweet freedom! I saw such a beautiful picture of myself.
You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens. ~ Rumi
Heart openers are some of my favorite poses. Above all I want a heart that overflows in God’s love. Perhaps you also have heart issues and could use a waterfall and river rock experience. It’s very easy to find God. All you need is prophetic soaking music (YouTube has great songs), journal and pen. It’s not so easy to find healing after being hurt in a relationship, but it is possible. Live your best life. You only get one on this side of eternity.
The Unconventional Life 
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