Month: September 2015

The Power of Hope

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, mental health, Relationships, Separation, Spirituality

Each morning like millions of others I’m on social media.  I can’t seem to break the habit of starting my day like this. I have been trying for some time to begin my day with prayer, meditation or exercise.  It most always starts with Facebook followed by Instagram.

This morning I wandered over to Pinterest and searched scriptures for hope. I have a board called inspiration.

image

I pinned this to my board this morning.  The struggle is very real with doubt for me. It makes it very hard to trust my decisions because I’m always second guessing everything. This can cause me to start spinning out of control in anxiety.

Recently I dreamed my husband came to me and told me he was sorry. He was hugging me in that dream and I could literally feel his embrace. I woke up extremely rattled because I haven’t touched him in months. I being who I am wanted a microscopic analysis of this occurrance. Jesus what does this mean? I heard nothing so doubt kicked in with all its negative voices. He’s not sorry.  You’re crazy. When are you going to do something? Blah blah blah. I could not get to the soaking prayer service fast enough! I went in like a spy trying to determine who could help settle my mind. We were instructed to ask God to give us a vision beyond the door. I prayed to see beyond the door.

I then saw Jesus open a door. I was afraid to go beyond the door. Not knowing what was waiting for me I froze in fear. As I stood in the doorway a brick path appeared and we began to walk. I’m trying to remain calm and not freak out because my questions were about being married. Trees began to appear everywhere and the brick path went down the middle.

The trees you see represent an abundance of life. You have been holding on for so long. Even at times clinging to hope. I am opening the door to an abundant life. A beautiful life. A joyous life. A plentiful life.

I have you on the path to freedom not only for yourself, but I am calling you to set the captives free. Set them free Kathryn with your words. Use your words. The power of life and death is in the tongue. Give the captives life.

I did not doubt the voice of God. I did not doubt his presence.

On Sunday I went to the altar for prayer. Ironically the sermon had been on marriage, which went along with a book on marriage I’m reading. I confessed to the woman praying for me that my marriage was in ashes and I was tired of clinging to hope. She prayed as I stood in betwixt doubt and hope. Just that Friday I had decided to give up hoping, so I found this sermon very ironic. I hadn’t been to church in weeks and the Sunday I go the sermon is on marriage. Note, if it’s ironic, a little weird, perhaps even insane by your standards it’s likely a God thing.

James 1 speaks very clearly on doubt. Expect to receive nothing because doubtful persons are unstable in everything. I’m really trying to use this second marriage crisis to grow even more as an individual. I’ve recently started parenting classes. I’m reading Love and Respect. I seriously failed in the respect area, but realize my behavior was tied to the lack of love I was receiving. I realize all the damage my sometimes harsh criticism has caused to my family because I felt unloved. I don’t completely blame myself for this horrible mess, but do accept responsibility for my actions.

So here I stand not knowing what the future holds, but knowing that God is merciful and his grace covers all my mistakes. Knowing that I can be a better person. I can find rest in hope. After all trouble don’t last always. Never give up on yourself or your dreams!

Tea and Gumbo

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, depression, Hope, Inspiration, Spirituality

On August 24, 2015 I walked into a room of teaching artists. I was attending a poetry workshop taught by Glenis Redmond. I wish all Mondays started like this! She had sprayed the room with rose water. Artists are eccentric so I noticed colors, jewelry,  clothing, voice tones, presence. You name it I noticed it. I was on sensory overload and it was heaven!

I have been trying to live with great effort, but felt very dead in my job. I am a creative and most definitely in the minority. I’m most often misunderstood and perceived as too emotional.  I would describe the work environment as rigid and toxic. It is very hard to function in these working conditions as a creative. Sometimes I literally can’t think.

So I prayed. Dear God please rescue me from this horrible place. Am I finished laying the foundation?  Why do I have to be on lock down if I feel like I’m spiritually dying?! Let me out of here before I lose it. Reorganization has people tripping. Do you see this mess?! So on and so forth. It is ok if you do not pray what are considered to be normal prayers. It’s like there is a heavenly translator if you’re like me. Perhaps they even bleep out cuss words lol.

Several months ago God had told me to strengthen the foundation. It’s very hard when your job is literally a spiritual assignment and you’re working for people that don’t know the purpose of you being there. Many may not even care. I walk public housing communities five days a week. That’s a heavy weight. Despair, poverty, lack of education,  bad parenting,  addiction among so many other negative things invade my world five days a week. Sometimes more if we have events. Sometimes I don’t know which problem to work on and I just sit at my desk looking out the window at people I want to scream at. What the hell is your problem? Where the hell is Iyanla? Jesus help me it’s too much? I feel overwhelmed.  I feel dead. It’s hard to breathe.

I watched a NPR video with my boss that showed an English teacher using rap to teach his class. That was like someone giving me CPR. I said self you can do that with poetry. My speech is to proper for rap lol. My team is designing an after school program that will focus on math and literature. It occurred to me that creativity had to be the main component in designing the program.

And then there was the best two days of my year with some amazing people! Day one began with being introduced to praise poetry. Glenis said Nigerians were the chief scribes of this west African poetry. I sat up straight in my chair and perked up like my puppy does when he’s listening closely for something.  “Lord did you hear her say Nigerian? What is about to happen?” She then explained she had traced herself back to Nigeria and Cameroon. I raised my hand and explained I had gone to Nigeria and gotten married and found it interesting that I was now about to learn their poetry. She said, “you are here for spiritual reasons also.” I knew she was right.

image
With teaching artists and Glenis Redmond

I soaked in every moment like a sponge. My breaths expanding. Becoming aware of my heart beating.  Being allowed to feel anything I wished and share that with others. It was so great not to have an unfair expectation of being a robot as a burden! We read, wrote, shared and cried over and over. It was liberating! I was allowed to create with no boundaries.

I woke up the next day praying. God why did you allow this awesome woman to invade my space?

Kathryn you needed confirmation and I sent her to confirm your identity. There is nothing wrong with you. Not even your marriage choice. You are ok.

image
Selfie with Glenis Redmond

At the end of day two several of us thanked Glenis for bringing us back to life. We were literally the walking dead. Even now tears spill from my eyes as gratitude for this experience fills my heart. I now have an artist statement,  praise poem and a literacy activity schedule. I am ready to help kids on our properties!

Yesterday I found a scripture about comfort. I told Glenis I would blog my experience as soon as I found the scripture to complete it. This blog is my open book to those in the universe that would care to read it. I can’t put into words how awesome my father is. He is more than God to me he is Abba. He ambushed me with the most wonderful two days that erased weeks of twilight zone funk.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 – All praise to God the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.

May my words bring you comfort and peace. Creativity is the way out of captivity.  Use your right brain and visualize a better outcome. Perhaps you too will be ambushed.