Joy In The Morning

I can say over the course of this year that I have put all my heart and soul into being grateful no matter what my circumstances.  It has not always been easy.  There have been many nights that I cried in between trying to sleep.  There have been days where I locked myself in my office because I couldn’t hold it together while at work.  I would just randomly cry.  Wanting someone to return even a small portion of love you are trying to give them and not get anything in return is so hard.  I remember telling my mom one day that I hadn’t asked for much other than time.  Spending time with me was something I had begged for, but really never received.  Even after making that my number one item on our new marriage contracts I still didn’t get it.

You eventually just feel this blackness start to overtake you.  You fight like hell to not get lost in this blackness, but it just becomes so hard.  I looked up and had nothing but ashes.  I didn’t understand why really.  I just knew that I had again lost myself trying to jump through every hoop to make him happy.  For months I’ve just worked on me and accepting my new life.  I tried on words like separation and divorce like new clothes.  If they didn’t fit that day I didn’t force it.  I had to look in the mirror and say out loud I choose not to love you because you choose not to love me.  I had to remind myself that I was loveable.  God sent people that wanted to physically shake me to ask Kathryn can you see yourself?  Can you see your worth?  I would just look at them and nod in agreement.

I’ve spent months with the puppy.  Months and months.  I didn’t complain.  I just chose to be grateful.  If a human didn’t want to spend time with me Bruno did.  This was my life.  Then the axis shifted an eclipse occurred and I emerged into this newness.

Psalm 30:5 ~ ….Crying may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning.

I’ve not had any expectations for meeting anyone new.  I was just trying to master living.  I was trying to find happiness in any circumstance.  I was practicing yoga on and off the mat.  Out of nowhere what I had begged for for years was given to me within a matter of days.  Someone who was so happy to spend all of his free time with me.  Honestly I wanted to run far and fast.  It’s been scary.  I keep asking myself is this really happening.  Does he really like doing things that are important to me.  He even loves Bruno!  It’s like I’m in some sort of dream that I keep expecting to wake up from.  I expected him to go as quickly as he came and I said self just be grateful that yesterday happened.  Then came another day and another and another.  The days have yet to end.

This week he’s shared in two things that I really love doing.  Things that have brought me peace during the worst days.  Hiking and my spiritual journaling class.  Today I woke up with an overflowing heart.  I realized I had a squad!  I have supportive people surrounding me saying Kathryn be happy you deserve happiness.

Yesterday I hiked a mountain.  I cursed all the way up the mountain LOL and he was right by my side with water for breaks and a supportive hand or words.  He lead when I needed him to lead.  He stopped if I couldn’t breathe and he made sure I made it to the top.  We made it to the top together with some friends that I’ve been blessed to come into my life.  They all helped me make it to the top.  I drove into work crying today because I remember what happy feels like.  I could only say thank you Jesus.  I’ve been trying to find better words all day today, but that’s all I got.  Thank you for blessing me.

Anxiety set in because who actually has this happen to them? Surely not me!  He’s even foreign and chocolate!  Like seriously where does this happen?  This song resides in my heart and spirit today.  Jesus you are so good to me!  I don’t know what tomorrow may bring, but I thank you for the break in the clouds.