Month: June 2016

I know I’m somewhere in between faith and anxiety. Like the needle in a half full tank of gas. Trust and faith are definitely obstacles I’ve been trying to get beyond for quite a long time. As I was thinking about my struggle it occurred to me I link God to the actions of people. Someone hurts me I link it to God. Someone disappoints me I link it to God. I pondered why I was doing this, but couldn’t really determine the reason. I concluded that this was a behavior that needed to change since it wasn’t making much sense to me.

In May I had to break up with the Haitian. Loving someone doesn’t mean giving them permission to mistreat you. May was a very long month! Tons of anxiety. Tons of prayer. Days of crying. As I was fleeing to yoga class the day after the break up, one of those random license plate moments occurred. Gud4you pulled right in front of me. I couldn’t even believe it. I was like Jesus I’m down here about to lose it and you’ve got jokes today, not cool.

I was basically on autopilot for a month missing the Haitian. I am mindful when anxiety is in overdrive I can really be a handful to deal with for those around me. Thankfully I had people who were very patient with me.

There was one day where I got up and immediately layed on the floor crying. Wailing would be a better description. The ache of missing that person was unbearable. Remembering so many fun times was unbearable. So I just kept crying asking God why he gave me someone to take them away so quickly. See there’s that linking behavior of mine. So if you’ve never gotten on God’s nerves as I frequently do try to remain that way. I very clearly heard him first ask me why I was crying so much. Secondly he reminded me on April 1st that he warned me the Haitian would act crazy for about 60 days or so. Third, he said he hadn’t taken anything and to get off the floor and stop crying. Of course I managed to sit against the wall with more of a muffling whimper after hearing an exasperated tone of voice. All the while still trying to free myself from panic attacks.

God gave me psalm 143 and I prayed it every morning. He told me to write miracles would happen on my calendar for the month of June. I received four by the last day of June.

• Haitian returns.
• Son gets misdemeanors not felonies.
• Haitian sees his son.
• Unexpected financial blessing.

Matthew 21:22 – Believe you will receive everything you ask for in prayer.

We were doing awesome and I was cautiously happy. He hugged me one day and said, “Baby I’m doing the best I can.” I replied, “I know that’s why you give me anxiety.”

It’s July and our crazy cycle continues. We’re not speaking right now, but love flows. I can feel it. I had my chakras balanced for the first time a couple of days ago. Crazy equals low energy for me. After my session I was told everything would be ok. Indeed he promised me it would with teary eyes. So I pray for him and myself to get it right. He said the other day I stop, he stops, but the time around us keeps us moving forward together. May everything merge into divine harmony soon.

I prayed John 15:7 this morning fully believing my last name will be Thermitus in 2017 just like we planned. He loves me especially different and I’m totally crazy about the guy who fries me octopus in swimming trunks.