Today I find myself surrounded by the mountains of Roanoke, Virginia. I have been desiring to be in the mountains for months. When everything around me is swirling in madness my soul tells me to run into nature to find peace. The beauty of mountains is always my first choice.
I feel like I have been seated in the middle of a whirlwind for too long. I reconciled with the Haitian only to have to leave again yesterday. It’s amazing what can happen in 24 hours. We were waiting on takeout a couple of weeks ago and he said, “It’s been over a year with us and you keep fighting me.” I told him his craziness always caused me to leave. Inviting this level of drama into my life becomes exhausting.
I began to think of us as animals. I see myself as an eagle that needs to reach a higher altitude. I can’t continue to let people or circumstances keep me from the journey I must travel . Even if I love them. Even if we’re so strongly connected I feel like I’m looking into a mirror in his eyes. Eagles don’t change altitudes to mingle with chickens . I keep telling him this, but he isn’t strong enough to tell the people in his life he has a separate journey to travel. I look at how unproductive these people make him and it makes me very sad. I can’t remain in a rut with someone just because I love them. Stagnant things eventually die.
I was experiencing anxiety again a few days ago and I heard so clearly perfect love casts out all fear .
1 John 4:18 – There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear involves punishment, so the one who is afraid is not perfected in love.
I stood where I was trying to make sense of what I was hearing. I knew Jude had come into my life to teach me how to love differently. I just honestly don’t understand what I am supposed to do. How does one become perfected in love? I do yoga, try to practice peace when anger is telling me to punch someone, I give until I have nothing sometimes. Yet he still makes me afraid. We are together and the fear returns every time. I am not perfected in love. He is not willing to change at the moment. Do either of us even know what divine love is or how to give it?
I put reiki candles and crystals in his room recently. I bought us both meditation incense. My brain was saying create peace around him so you will have peace. I forgot to burn the damn sage lol. I’ve been scrambling to place this here and put that there and fix this and so on and so forth. I think I’ve been trying to build a fortress of sorts to make myself feel safe. I suppose love can’t enter a fortress.
I took this picture of him last weekend on our way from breakfast. I had really wanted to say hey babe let’s take a silly selfie, but I was afraid. I was too afraid to ask him to take a picture and I really don’t know why.
So here we are separated again as we were making preparations to leave the country. I asked my journal last night if yesterday morning was the last time I would see Jude. Then I stumbled across Oprah youtube videos with Dr. Michael Beckwith about vibrational frequencies and empowering questions. This morning I wrote the empowering questions without the low vibrational frequencies. I travel this path alone cause it’s sounding a little crazy and I think my kid needs to go to church more lol. I had an epiphany one day though. Anyone who encounters God encounters a powerful energetic force that completely changes them. That force draws you in even if you’re hiding in a fortress.
I see colors, light and energy connecting myself and the Haitian . He commented about the crystals and candles without completely giving me the whole story. Amethyst, jade, selenite and more are now on his nightstand. My soul knows he’s already been where I need to go spiritually. Even down to becoming a pescatarian. I also know in the natural I am where he needs to be. He said he would show me the meaning of energy when we got to Haiti.
I don’t know what needs to happen for this to work. I feel like it’s supposed to work. I feel like each has what the other needs. Hopefully soon it will be as beautiful as it is in my visions and dreams.
The Unconventional Life 
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