I remember one day sitting on the floor tying my shoes and hearing God say, “Kathryn don’t follow Jude into darkness.” While I wondered why I was hearing this particular instruction, I just said, “OK I won’t.” I know why that happened. I want to run full on into darkness right now, but I can’t because of my desire to be in God’s light.
Yesterday in yoga we were asked to set an intention. My brain has just been scattered from thought to emotion for the last two weeks. I’ve been asking my friends to tell me I’m not crazy. That I just didn’t imagine the things happening for the last two years of my life. There are just things that can’t be made up and so right now nothing makes sense to me. I’ve written each synchronicity down in my journal so they even have dates attached to them. I went back to the first occurrence yesterday on my mat. The evening I went for prayer because loving Jude gave me anxiety. I remember the couple that prayed for me and asking the lady, “You’re going to tell me to leave him right? I should just leave cause my whole being is in panic mode.” She said, “No read I Corinthians 13 and everything will be OK.” God sent these people to me to prepare me for what was about to happen and to give me hope. I knew this because time was running out and I knew Christian would go to jail soon. The lady told me to pray and gave me the testimony of their son who had also spent time in jail. After remembering this, I set the intention.
God my intention is to love Jude and myself unconditionally today. My intention is to forgive myself for every time I’ve had to forgive him because I’m angry about repeating forgiveness. I’m angry that I can’t find the bottom to the love I have for this person. I’m disappointed in myself cause this doesn’t even make sense and the only thing I can do is to apply love to everything. I know this because you had that woman instruct me to love like you and I never forgot your instructions.
I completed my practice yesterday in between YouTube sermons and meditations. This is how I cope with separation. YouTube, yoga and candles.
I literally feel like an Elisha looking for an Elijah. In my desperation I went for my second psychic visit. The difference I have noted between prophets and physics is prophets don’t ask questions for verification. Things like is this going on right now or do you know who this person could be. Nope you will not get that from a prophet. They will say the Lord says…… and that will be that. They don’t need you to fill in the blanks. Same cards, some of the same words equaled great frustration for me.
Perhaps I should just be Kat looking for Jesus. He’s likely waiting for me in the woods.
My reiki session went much better. Heart chakra was definitely out of alignment and Akilyah spent a lot of time at my crown chakra. Our sessions begin and end with what the Haitian did to throw my energy fields out of whack most times. She said I was very grounded and all the energy moving was in my heart and stomach area. I whispered that my heart was broken and I was fighting anxiety.
When I got home I said, “God you have to give me something cause I’m just not making it.” I heard Psalm 106.
Psalm 106:4-5 – Lord, remember me when you are kind to your people; help me when you save them. Let me see the good things you do for your chosen people. Let me be happy along with your happy nation; let me join your own people in praising you.
I’ve made some pretty big sacrifices recently that I didn’t complain about. I did them out of love. I ignored some instructions about timing. Generally when I ignore the warning Jesus’s baby toe appears to step in. This time even Jude’s ancestors stepped in. That was quite an experience, but I figured out what they were trying to tell me. Separate. Though my very soul feels like it might cave in, separate. Separate while he learns to love himself, because without that he can’t love anyone. I know the pain of his life. I experienced it in a church service. I saw our lives combine in a tunnel of white light as I hung over a chair sobbing. I asked him long ago, “Do you see me?” He smiled and nodded yes. It takes special eyes to see me. Two weeks ago he told me exactly what he saw and I just smiled. I called him my beautiful mess and that he shall be for now.
I saw thread stitching my heart together in yoga class. I saw him kneel behind me and the same thread began to stitch his heart and our separate threads became one. We were planning our first trip to Haiti. I have boxes of donations in my basement. He had asked me to help him do his Father’s work. Sometimes seeing what is supposed to be is unbearable. As I know what he is struggling with because he drew it and his ancestors came to tell me, my hands are tied. My eyes are tired. My breath is sometimes shallow. My chest aches.
Dear God please remember me when……
The Unconventional Life 