Author: The Unconventional Life

I have been in love with words since a child. I love the imagery one can make with words. This is my first blog and I'm excited about exploring infinite creative possibilities.

The Next Chapter

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Inspiration, mindfulness, Relationships, Spirituality, Uncategorized

On the eve of his sixteenth Christmas we wept. It’s been a long year. Only a few days left and I am thankful.

This year I have tried to become a better person by giving love and compassion to those whose actions have hurt me. It hasn’t been easy. Some actions I just truly don’t understand. Love does not harm. Love gives and protects. Love is sacred. 

I no longer have to visit the Richmond Justice Center. It was the longest six months of my life. It was the saddest experience seeing nothing but black men locked up. I’m praying he makes better life choices.

Be free and fly.

I’m letting go of the relationship with the Haitian. Yesterday I dreamed of a border collie lost in traffic. I knew it was me. I know I have been losing myself in another relationship because my partner is miserable within themself. The yogi in me says return to the earth that which is no longer serving you. Self-sacrifice is no longer serving me. Drama from divorces is overated. Om.

As I watched you sleep I was planning how to say goodbye.

As I read the meaning of seeing a collie appear in a dream I came to realize I’ve been taking care of everyone but myself. I plan to explore self care and compassion in 2017.  I’ve watched many youtube videos by Ralph Smart this year. I paid close attention to the relationship ones. You attract a reflection of yourself. I need some tweaking and fine tuning! I must laugh cause the actions of the Haitian has my family in an uproar on Christmas. If only they knew. Unconditional love was my only arsenal weapon to the wounds he has inflicted on my heart. I kept hoping that I would get to the buried beauty within him, but I find I am now exhausted. Time to move on.

I couldn’t have survived this year without your support.

A new journey begins as a detour from organized religion. I began the spiritual paths program this month at the Chrysalis Institute. I’ve been assigned a mentor and I feel this will be an epic experience. I get to explore different facets of spirituality and become my best version. I know that every experience and person that enters your life are to help you evolve. 

2016 has been one test after another. My focus has been on drama caused by others. I am not carrying this behavior into a new year. I was given an end date to working in a toxic environment. Surprisingly there is no anxiety around not knowing what will become of my employment. Only gratitude.  I am thankful that I too will join the others who have been freed from the most horrible work experience we have ever had. Please, if you are a supervisor apply servant leadership techniques and have appreciation for your team.

I looked up at numerous quotes and this one spoke to me. Success equals new beginnings next year. Success equals greater kindness as I continue to serve others. There is such great joy in giving. Success equals healthy relationships.  I believe there is someone special who will embrace my weirdness, however I may have to first deal with my obsession with chocolate foreigners.  ðŸ˜© Victory is smiling when you have every reason to cry. 

Before It Gets Beautiful 

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Inspiration, mental health, mindfulness, Spirituality, Uncategorized

Today I find myself surrounded by the mountains of Roanoke, Virginia. I have been desiring to be in the mountains for months. When everything around me is swirling in madness my soul tells me to run into nature to find peace. The beauty of mountains is always my first choice.

I feel like I have been seated in the middle of a whirlwind for too long. I reconciled with the Haitian only to have to leave again yesterday. It’s amazing what can happen in 24 hours. We were waiting on takeout a couple of weeks ago and he said, “It’s been over a year with us and you keep fighting me.” I told him his craziness always caused me to leave. Inviting this level of drama into my life becomes exhausting.

I began to think of us as animals. I see myself as an eagle that needs to reach a higher altitude. I can’t continue to let people or circumstances keep me from the journey I must travel . Even if I love them. Even if we’re so strongly connected I feel like I’m looking into a mirror in his eyes. Eagles don’t change altitudes to mingle with chickens . I keep telling him this, but he isn’t strong enough to tell the people in his life he has a separate journey to travel. I look at how unproductive these people make him and it makes me very sad. I can’t remain in a rut with someone just because I love them. Stagnant things eventually die.

I was experiencing anxiety again a few days ago and I heard so clearly perfect love casts out all fear . 

1 John 4:18 – There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear involves punishment, so the one who is afraid is not perfected in love.

I stood where I was trying to make sense of what I was hearing. I knew Jude had come into my life to teach me how to love differently. I just honestly don’t understand what I am supposed to do. How does one become perfected in love? I do yoga, try to practice peace when anger is telling me to punch someone, I give until I have nothing sometimes. Yet he still makes me afraid. We are together and the fear returns every time. I am not perfected in love. He is not willing to change at the moment. Do either of us even know what divine love is or how to give it?

I put reiki candles and crystals in his room recently. I bought us both meditation incense. My brain was saying create peace around him so you will have peace. I forgot to burn the damn sage lol. I’ve been scrambling to place this here and put that there and fix this and so on and so forth. I think I’ve been trying to build a fortress of sorts to make myself feel safe. I suppose love can’t enter a fortress. 

I took this picture of him last weekend on our way from breakfast. I had really wanted to say hey babe let’s take a silly selfie, but I was afraid. I was too afraid to ask him to take a picture and I really don’t know why. 

So here we are separated again as we were making preparations to leave the country. I asked my journal last night if yesterday morning was the last time I would see Jude. Then I stumbled across Oprah youtube videos with Dr. Michael Beckwith about vibrational frequencies and empowering questions. This morning I wrote the empowering questions without the low vibrational frequencies. I travel this path alone cause it’s sounding a little crazy and I think my kid needs to go to church more lol. I had an epiphany one day though. Anyone who encounters God encounters a powerful energetic force that completely changes them. That force draws you in even if you’re hiding in a fortress.

I see colors, light and energy connecting myself and the Haitian . He commented about the crystals and candles without completely giving me the whole story. Amethyst, jade, selenite and more are now on his nightstand. My soul knows he’s already been where I need to go spiritually. Even down to becoming a pescatarian. I also know in the natural I am where he needs to be. He said he would show me the meaning of energy when we got to Haiti.

Super Soul Sunday 

I don’t know what needs to happen for this to work. I feel like it’s supposed to work. I feel like each has what the other needs. Hopefully soon it will be as beautiful as it is in my visions and dreams. 

Divine Plans

by The Unconventional Life, posted in depression, Inspiration, mental health, mindfulness, Relationships, Spirituality

Zephaniah 3:17-18 – The Lord your God is with you; the mighty One will save you. He will rejoice over you. You will rest in his love; he will sing and be joyful about you. I will take away the sadness from you that would have made you very ashamed.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of my first conversation with the Haitian. A bittersweet moment. I don’t really know how to be or feel. I had started warning him our anniversary was coming up last month. It was exciting for me and a wow for both of us. In less than a year, together we had survived circumstances that had destroyed both of our marriages. Driving in the car one day watching the world through the window I said to him we survived. Later he put his arms around me in the kitchen and said, “You’re a strong woman. It takes a lot to deal with me.”

I remember waking up one morning in the beginning  and God saying, ” I need you to be with him in this season because you’re strong enough to handle what he’s about to go through.” I sat on the edge of my bed and looked at the floor. I had only one thought, why. I had just struggled through HARD. Like so hard I came through it crawling on the days that walking was impossible. Two separations had stopped me in my tracks. Days kept coming and going, but I was literally still for eight months. And then Jude. So I have this conversation with God and my whole body began to feel heavy. I thought self you really don’t want to do hard again. You can already sense the magnitude of this trial. And I just heard again you’re strong enough. I sighed and said ok I’ll honor your request of me.

And the winds picked up at such a force that I questioned the strength I supposedly had. His life was like woah. I was too scared to ask what else could happen cause it just seemed to get worse on its own. No sense in prompting the universe with questions. We would argue and he’d say you’re just going to leave me like every other person in my life. That would make me so angry. One day I just yelled back, “Where am I going?! I should’ve left by now and I’m standing here. I’m not leaving you.” That’s a hard truth for a person who needs to overcome abandonment issues. I know because he is me, we are the same. 

I read in his journal one day that both parents had died in front of him. I could feel deep grief on the page. Grief he never shared with me. Sometimes sadness would appear as tears in his eyes, but it came with no words. So I prayed. I prayed because he did things to hurt me, to test me. His actions were saying I bet you’ll leave if I do this or that. I got so tired and I said, “God what do I do with this one you gave me?” He only replied love him. Just keep loving him. Hurt people hurt others. It’s a self-protecting behavior I know all too well. It declares I will push you away because I have grown to love you and me hurting myself will hurt less than me risking you hurting me.

In my eight months of stillness everything about my spiritual life started to change. There was all of this law of attraction buzz and I was like I need to understand how this works. I’m still learning, but it didn’t make sense how he found me. He matter of factly said to me one day that I had drawn him to me. I was like how do you draw someone if you’re hiding from life on your couch. It just didn’t make sense. 

As the months passed I knew he was sent to teach me a different realm to loving. At times it made me very angry and frustrated. I’ve physically felt the weight of God’s love to the point I asked him to stop sending it before I fainted. I felt myself getting dizzier and dizzier and my only thougt was what kind of love is this. That was my gift from Jude. He has the heart of God. I’ve experienced its beauty. That’s what kept me.

In these last weeks my analytical mind has been telling me all sorts of things. Like you’re crazy. You can’t hear the voice of God. Settle for less than what you know is possible. Some days I flip and flip through the prayers and answers in my journal trying to silence the negative voices. Self-doubt has had me always seek confirmation from others for years. Even now. My journal pages say on different days Kathryn everything will be ok. Jude loves you. When anxiety would overtake me Jude would grab me and say everything will be ok. He never got tired of reassuring me, I was teaching him patience. He’d try to infuse all of the hope within himself to me.

I was standing in his kitchen when I heard God say, “Give him back to me.” Now I was like hold up abba I just got him back and now you want him back again. And I saw a vision standing there I’d had before of myself dancing. I knew that meant I wasn’t being given an option and that God would be there to again pick up the pieces. He has lessons to learn and I’d just get in the way. I have to focus on my work because it’s the stepping stone to my future. 

Anxiety. Depression. Two enemies I must defeat. This too shall pass. I wear the necklace he gave me as a reminder to not doubt the last year. He literally threw it at me. Go figure life with a Haitian.  I gave it back with a note saying this is not how to give a gift place it around my neck. He called the next day and said he wouldn’t tell me again not to return gifts a Haitian gave lol. When I saw him he put it around my neck complaining the whole time. He said, ” I must fucking love you this is a diamond.” I of course didn’t know how to respond since he seemed upset at knowing this lol. I will never forget the day he said very quietly, “You’re my best friend.” 

I recently sent him an email thanking him for gifts of laughter, love and acceptance. I’m the seer who knows the journey he is on. And no I can’t travel it with him. 

Dear universe you know what I want and I’m trying to rest in the knowledge that everything will be ok. After all it was in your divine plan for me. 

The Guided Path

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Inspiration, mindfulness, Relationships, Spirituality, Yoga

About a month ago I was lead to go to a prayer service. I wanted to hear a guest speaking about her work in the community. I wanted to be inspired because my own work was feeling more like a burden than a blessing. I listened to her tell of how people were just coming along her path with blessings to help her serve felons being released back into the community. An entire house had been donated! I was inspired by the acts of kindness.

Quite honestly my spiritual journey is turning out to be very different than even what I could’ve come up with. I felt lost and it was causing anxiety that often leads to long periods of panic. If I feel like Jesus isn’t close by I freak totally out. That day felt like I had been dropped in the middle of the Amazon with no guide. Why am I getting a nonprofit off the ground with the present agency infrastructure? Did I totally misinterpret what you said about the Haitian, but you sent people with whole messages? Am I crazy?! Where am I supposed to be and what am I supposed to be doing? Everything feels like it’s too much!

And they prayed for me. And Hope said, “You are not lost. You are where you are supposed to be.” And her name struck me cause I was absolutely hopeless that day and full of wonder about wrong turns and decisions. I was doubting everything making myself feel crazy, which is not good when you’re already a tad odd. And she said you are not lost. The other lady said you are a seer who has been disappointed. I began to cry. She could only discern the inflicted hurt from the church not my personal relationships. And while we prayed for the speaker I saw a vision of many hands reaching through jail cells and oil being poured into their palms. When the two women prayed for me I saw a vision of myself in royal garments. The robe had jewels. I said self you look beautiful!

1 Peter 2:9 But you are a chosen people, royal priests…..You were chosen to tell about the wonderful acts of God.

The speaker I knew was chosen to reach people that are literally being used for profits. They are nameless with corporate and government bottom lines. Jails are big business. I know because my son is in one right now. There is a fee for him to be there. I think back to June’s miracle for him. Misdemeanors and not felonies. An act of God.

The next day I went to my spiritual journaling class and we reflected on the poem Everything Is Waiting For You. The Haitian and I were broken up as is our typical pattern. 

Put down the weight of your aloneness and ease into the conversation.

Neither of us are normal. Love, he was trying to teach me a whole new dimension to that word. The lesson felt heavy. Life felt heavy and she put her arms around me as I wept trying to put the weight down. Missing him is crushing. And she said take care of yourself right now because she felt my exhaustion. I told her the light was there way beneath the surface. Sadness cloaked my shoulders because he understood my energy.

As I was praying God said to go to Psalm 143. That was precisely everything I needed to pray.

Psaln 143:11 – ….In your goodness save me from my troubles.

Yesterday I drove to the beach. It was the only way to stop crying. I had to look at the sea to put problems in perspective. Do I miss the Haitian? Hell yeah! Did I misunderstand the message? Nope. I had to hear waves crashing while God asked me to stop weeping. I had to change the energy around me. I had to restore peace.

I’m learning to be open to the universe. I’ll reread The Alchemist because the Haitian is woven into the pages of that book. I’ll visualize and reimagine the future as I struggle through the present. And I will say it’s ok to miss him cause we’re water and he knows that. I’ll continue down my very strange spiritual path with crystals, yoga, nature and my bible. Never would’ve grouped these things together lol. I’m making my mom quite nervous. I’ll remember he said he’d protect my smile. I’ll rest in the knowledge that we are each other’s heart center. It’s always darkest before dawn. Je t’aime Jude  toujours.

Release in the Vineyard 

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Faith, Inspiration, mental health, mindfulness, Spirituality, Yoga

It has been 12 months of heaviness like standing beneath an avalanche that suddenly falls from the highest peak. Preceded by six years of turmoil. Heaviness came to rest here.

I’ve been crying Abba have mercy on me. Everything is too much. As I was praying Jesus appeared in a vision with an overflowing basket of fruit. All kinds of fruit and he gave it to me. The second basket he gave to me was overflowing with red grapes and a vineyard appeared. I ran free in a white dress. I felt freedom. Freedom from burdens. Freedom from sadness. Freedom from anxiety. Freedom from despair. And I ran not once looking back.

Hand mudra for hope.

Recently I took a yin class that focused on hope. Tonight a woman named Hope prayed for me. The significance being most days I’m questioning am I going to make it because of the hopelessness I feel. I’ve learned to pay attention to small details.

I understood that the vineyard meant to read John 15. I understood that John 15 meant to rest in Jesus. There is very little rest or peace these days. Hope prayed that peace would stay with me. 

Today I felt disconnected and isolated. I felt heavy. Then I thought why am I carrying these burdens given to me by other people. Situations that my own actions didn’t cause I’ve been carrying on my slumped shoulders. I’m exhausted. 

“Storms make trees take deeper roots.” ~ Dolly Parton

Branches are connected to the vine. They must remain connected to live and produce fruit. Occasionally they are pruned. My decisions could use some pruning. No longer will I allow people to project negative statements over me. I won’t unfairly carry other’s problems.  I won’t exhaust myself finding solutions to everything and I will no longer suffer from anxiety due to people’s choices.

John 15:11 – I have told you these things so that you can have the same joy I have and so that your joy will be the fullest possible joy.

My word today was overboard.  Anything or anyone that does not add to my life got thrown off my virtual boat. I. Let. Go.

Ebb and Flow

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Faith, Hope, Inspiration, mental health, Relationships, Spirituality

I know I’m somewhere in between faith and anxiety. Like the needle in a half full tank of gas. Trust and faith are definitely obstacles I’ve been trying to get beyond for quite a long time. As I was thinking about my struggle it occurred to me I link God to the actions of people. Someone hurts me I link it to God. Someone disappoints me I link it to God. I pondered why I was doing this, but couldn’t really determine the reason. I concluded that this was a behavior that needed to change since it wasn’t making much sense to me.

In May I had to break up with the Haitian. Loving someone doesn’t mean giving them permission to mistreat you. May was a very long month! Tons of anxiety. Tons of prayer. Days of crying. As I was fleeing to yoga class the day after the break up, one of those random license plate moments occurred. Gud4you pulled right in front of me. I couldn’t even believe it. I was like Jesus I’m down here about to lose it and you’ve got jokes today, not cool.

I was basically on autopilot for a month missing the Haitian. I am mindful when anxiety is in overdrive I can really be a handful to deal with for those around me. Thankfully I had people who were very patient with me.

There was one day where I got up and immediately layed on the floor crying. Wailing would be a better description. The ache of missing that person was unbearable. Remembering so many fun times was unbearable. So I just kept crying asking God why he gave me someone to take them away so quickly. See there’s that linking behavior of mine. So if you’ve never gotten on God’s nerves as I frequently do try to remain that way. I very clearly heard him first ask me why I was crying so much. Secondly he reminded me on April 1st that he warned me the Haitian would act crazy for about 60 days or so. Third, he said he hadn’t taken anything and to get off the floor and stop crying. Of course I managed to sit against the wall with more of a muffling whimper after hearing an exasperated tone of voice. All the while still trying to free myself from panic attacks.

God gave me psalm 143 and I prayed it every morning. He told me to write miracles would happen on my calendar for the month of June. I received four by the last day of June.

  • Haitian returns.
  • Son gets misdemeanors not felonies.
  • Haitian sees his son.
  • Unexpected financial blessing.

Matthew 21:22 – Believe you will receive everything you ask for in prayer.

We were doing awesome and I was cautiously happy. He hugged me one day and said, “Baby I’m doing the best I can.” I replied, “I know that’s why you give me anxiety.”

It’s July and our crazy cycle continues. We’re not speaking right now, but love flows. I can feel it. I had my chakras balanced for the first time a couple of days ago. Crazy equals low energy for me. After my session I was told everything would be ok. Indeed he promised me it would with teary eyes. So I pray for him and myself to get it right. He said the other day I stop, he stops, but the time around us keeps us moving forward together. May everything merge into divine harmony soon.

Crystals and reiki candles to keep my solar plexus and sacral chakras balanced.

I prayed John 15:7 this morning fully believing my last name will be Thermitus in 2017 just like we planned. He loves me especially different and I’m totally crazy about the guy who fries me octopus in swimming trunks.

Parched

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Inspiration, mindfulness, Relationships, Spirituality

The Lord says, “All you who are thirsty come and drink.” – Isaiah 55:1

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Remembering at Byrdpark.

Dating the Haitian has been quite an experience. Not for the normal or faint of heart. He often drives me to run to sources of water to find stillness.

He is chaotic. I had a vision of him crashing into me as a tumbleweed a month ago. But I love him. I guess sometimes, or in my case, most times love just isn’t enough.

I poured exorbitant amounts of energy into this person and once again sacrificed myself. My coworker jokingly asked how many days would the break up would last this time. I wondered that myself as I stared at the ducks in the pond last night.

It was a place we went to together to find stillness. I miss together. I miss the way he excitedly calls my name. I just miss him. But I miss me too. I miss the peace I found last year as I search for love and stability this year. I miss our dreams connecting and the conversations around the commonalities. Even in his most demanding state he allowed me to be purely Kathryn.

Before I said goodbye I let him know he was my Teacake. The man who had unlocked all my treasures. Laughter, love, passion, freedom. All these things were gifts with him.

My soul is a bit parched today, but I know of a refreshing water pitcher that pours from heaven. I put into the universe I miss him while I rest and gulp the living water. I am not a savior. Just an American girl who madly loves a Haitain boy. I hope he finds the path to share a glass of water with me. Toujours mon cher.

Garments of Light

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, depression, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, mental health, Relationships, Spirituality, Yoga

Blogging requires a transparency that’s not for the faint of heart. My heart seems to need life support today.

I look at my son and see my little boy, but he’s actually a rebellious 20 year old. He’s got my smile, his dad’s eyes and was the most respectful kid growing up. He never gave me much trouble and then high school happened. Friends changed and so did my son. It’s been the hardest six years and I’m exhausted today.

I had a dream my son would go so far into darkness that there would be nothing I could do to save him. It’s pitch black now and pending criminal charges have rendered me helpless. I’ve had to cling to the promise that God said he would be watching over him for the last six years. I never imagined it would get this bad.

I tend to hold onto those I love. I will do anything to keep them from suffering even if it means harm to myself. I was driving home from work the other day and Jesus asked me why I kept trying to do his job and save everyone. I said I didn’t really know, but it was making me tired. Very tired and days were becoming filled with anxiety that I couldn’t shake. He simply said let them go. So I did.

The wound is the place where light enters you. ~Rumi
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My wonderful Haitain had set in his mind that no other woman would hurt him like the one he divorced. I dreamed water was uncontrollably flooding the room we were in and I couldn’t stop it. I looked at him in the dream and he had a whole through his navel. I awoke and told him something has deeply wounded your spirit and his eyes began to fill with tears, but he said nothing. I can’t pay for sins I did not commit so I let go. My son doesn’t want to change his associations so I let go. His associations could very well land him in jail. My youngest son watches my heart get broken by others and tries very much so to encourage me.

Today I thought about light. That I would choose light and not remain in the darkness flooding my life. I’m trying to get over the hurt of another break up that I don’t understand. I have God and yoga. I have the peace that passes all understanding and an infinite love. This to shall pass.
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God has chosen you and made you his holy people. He loves you. So you should always clothe yourselves with mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.  Bear with each other, and forgive each other. If someone does wrong to you, forgive that person because the Lord forgave you.  Even more than all this, clothe yourself in love. Love is what holds you all together in perfect unity. – Colossians 3:12-14