Author: The Unconventional Life

I have been in love with words since a child. I love the imagery one can make with words. This is my first blog and I'm excited about exploring infinite creative possibilities.

And Then There Was Light

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, mental health, Relationships, Spirituality, Uncategorized

Colossians 4:2 – Continue praying, keeping alert and always thanking God.

I have been absent from the blogosphere because of so many changes happening so quickly in my life. It’s been truly amazing and I am so grateful for small miracles.

I just experienced one of the darkest years of my life, but I managed to find peace in the midst of so much turmoil. I did this through prayer, worship, exercise and yoga. For 13 months I only had two goals. Survive the turmoil by taking one day at a time and allow God to develop my character.

It wasn’t easy! Have you ever had one of those days where you feel crushed by problems and it throws you into depression and/or anxiety? Last week I had serious financial problems. A year ago I would have completely shut down from not having enough money. Today I acknowledged there was a problem, prayed and waited for God to provide the solution. Everything fell into place just in time. My husband looked at me and said, “Do you ever think about how God has perfect timing?” I laughed because about a minute earlier I had said a prayer of thanks for the very thing he was questioning me on.

I have started practicing yoga headstands when I feel myself getting anxious. I call it changing my perspective. There’s just something about being upside down. It allows me to visualize all the worries or problems falling from my mind while meditating on biblical promises. Quirky remedy, but it works for me and I have much stronger abs lol.

I never imagined I would be in a mental space of contentment. I had to release the need to control everything and everyone. Any drama being brought into my life by others was classified as optional. When pursuing peace it is not possible to live in chaos caused by drama. I had to choose the healthiest option for my own mind and spirit.

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Integrating into the Instagram yoga and exercise community has been amazing. I have so much encouragement from total strangers. I love the yogis who post insightful quotes with their pictures. Love and release of expectations are at the center of my practice. I do not have to be the overachiever driven by an insane need for success. Not to say I haven’t been like I can do that and tried some pose knowing better. I have. I’m a work in progress. When this happens I just remind myself I am not in competition with anyone. This is my journey and it’s ok to be happy with where I am in that moment. I am grateful for this paradigm shift in my thinking, it didn’t come easily.

I am grateful that I have stripped my Christian walk all the way down to the basics through prayer. Love is as basic as it gets. If people practiced the act of giving love more we would live in a better environment.

I sat one day and read some of the prayers I had written in my journal over the last year. I noticed there was so much need, but an overall lack of gratitude in the beginning for what I had. I have learned to be thankful for every small blessing. It’s amazing at what hikes and yoga mats will show you.

My home is happy and consolidated now. The husband returned with a puppy that I absolutely love. I have found a comfortable place to be in as a wife. I did not have this before. We are working together instead of separately. I made it through a very tough time with my oldest son. No parent ever wants to see their child at the mercy of a court of law. I prayed through asana after asana. I dedicated hours of yoga practice towards the reconciliation of my family. Everything is not perfect, but God finally spoke to my storm and said let there be light.

I learned to dance in the rain with a grateful heart. Heart openers are some of my favorite poses. You can’t receive anything if your heart is closed. For better or worse were the words I spoke almost nine years ago. So glad that the worse seems to finally be behind me.

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Overcoming Fear

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, mental health, Relationships, Separation

I became acquainted with fear as a child observing my mother and other family members.  I observed that because they were afraid of doing most anything our family tended to have the same outcomes.  This observation greatly shaped the adult I would become.

I would acquire an extreme fear of committment.  If I could redo about two decades of relationships I would.  Bad choices left layers of pain.  As a youth, I developed the idea that marriage was evil.  I saw nothing good in it.  Marriage created siblings that meant extra responsibilities.  More work for my mother.  Arguments over adult issues and the list goes on and on.  I decided by the time I became a teen that I would never get married.  I would at most have a live in boyfriend with a backup just in case.

I carried all of these fears into my marriage and oh the devastation it caused.  I didn’t even notice what was happening.  I remember one day being in the kitchen and I just began to cry. “God why did you place these three people under my care?  I’m such a failure.  I never wanted a family and you totally rearranged my life!  Look at the mess I’ve created.”  I received the most gentle reply as I walked to the table and opened the bible.  I had never seen the scripture before, but I had to go sit down after reading Psalm 68:6.

My tears of frustration turned into tears of gratitude.  He had connected two of the most lonely people, my husband and myself, across an ocean.  My husband had said prayer for a family far away from Nigeria.  On my end I had a five-year old telling me his house was supposed to have a daddy that lived there with us.  My youngest son is a handful!  My husband found my match.com profile.  I can only laugh at how all of this happened.  You live long enough to be able to recognize divine intervention when it happens because you go around in a daze asking if what occurred really happened the way it did.

As I sat on the couch, I realized that God had blessed me with children and a husband so that I would know what unconditional love felt like and all I did was complain about it.  Months ago in a soaking worship service I had a vision of myself as a child.  I was in a pit in a white dress turning in circles.  I was searching for someone to love me, but no one ever came.  Although I was in this pit, there was the brightest light all around me and the most beautiful lawn.  God whispered to me, “You will never have to search for love like that again.”  Have you ever been totally wrecked with gratitude?  I needed so many kleenex that evening.  It was an epic day for healing a very deep hurt that I had carried for decades.  I hurt my family because I was broken and hurting.  I have sense learned you should enter into marriage a whole person.  My husband and I had no pre-marital counseling, but lots of issues that should have been discussed.

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Continue reading “Overcoming Fear” →

Cracked Vessels

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, depression, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Relationships, Separation

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I have two options for Wednesdays. Writer’s group or yoga class. Each group serves a different need to connect with others. Even if I sit quietly as introverts do, I find short reprieves that make me very grateful.

It’s the third day of picking myself up and trying again. I know Jesus has all my pieces in his hands. I know eventually it will be ok. There are some helping now with the pieces. Most go. Hoping for those who will see a reason to stay.

How I feel. No really.

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, depression, Faith, Marriage, Relationships, Separation, Uncategorized

How do I feel? That’s a loaded question I’ve been trying to avoid thinking about. The last two days have been very challenging. I feel exhausted, heartbroken, lonely, sad and hopeless.

I have no desire to live in an indefinite limbo. Not one part of me understands why I am married to someone I haven’t seen in two months. I had started the mental process of giving up last week. And then there was the text where he called me baby. I turned my head in all directions. I looked at the confirmation, yes baby, not knowing what to text afterwards. Naturally I asked why. Why do you refer to me with such a loving term when your actions scream otherwise at me? Your actions make me feel like I am nothing. That emptiness will be my only companion. He questioned what I had expected to be called. Nothing.

I have chosen exercise to try and cope with the ache in my heart. I don’t get to choose which days are harder than others. Eeyore days randomly choose me. I listened to Joyce Meyer yesterday preach on why feelings shouldn’t be a major factor making decisions. She spoke on their ability to derail everything. She used the scripture I had read right before turning on the podcast. Probably not a coincidence.

Galatians 6:9 – So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.

Did I mention I was tired and I can’t take anymore? My therapist is clever. I had stopped praying because I was afraid. That is the wrong thing to tell a Christian therapist. Yes, he made me pray last session. He said pray and declare over your family Kathryn and so I did. He then asked if I understood why he was giving me these instructions. Yes, because praying God’s will would not intentionally harm me was my reply.

I’m six months shy of my ninth anniversary. I remember leaving my two small children to fly across an ocean to marry someone. I remember fighting a five year immigration battle alone. I remember spending months researching immigration cases trying to get my husband here faster alone. Taking a suitcase full of clothes to a nephew I would never meet when he had nothing. I remember all the sacrifices I have made and that’s why I feel an indescribable amount of pain. How can you shift what hurts so bad?

I have so many unanswered questions. I keep trying to understand why there is no fulfillment. I am only half of the equation. My mind knows how a husband is supposed to love a wife and how that love would be multiplied and returned in greater quantities. I have nothing to increase or return. I return neglect with silence. Inevitably this will result in a negative outcome. Perhaps this is a cultural divide as wide as the grand canyon, but that doesn’t make it alright.

Today I am wallowing. I know that is not good. I feel so tired of living life this way. I’m only human. My heart wants to believe and hope in every biblical promise. It’s just hard when prayers continually go unanswered. It’s even harder when all you can hear are the lyrics to Jealous by Beyonce with head bowed and hands clasped. Perhaps that is my prayer. I relate to those words. I hate you for your lies and your colors. I hate us for making good love to each other. If you’re keeping your promise I’m keeping mine. Amen

I can only hope for a better tomorrow where laughter comes from deep within my soul instead of the tears that so frequently overflow from my heart.

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Sink Way Deep Down

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, depression, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, mental health, Relationships, Separation, Uncategorized

There has been such tragedies in the news over the last week. Momentum building with one story after another. Eric Garner strangled to death by choke hold. Michael Brown murdered in Ferguson. Robin Williams commits suicide because of depression. Two more black males murdered by law enforcement. People fleeing persecution in Iraq. I spent most of my week weeping for people I don’t even know.

I may never meet them, but I have prayed for them. My oldest son is 18. I tried to talk to him after the Michael Brown tragedy, but I honestly could barely find words. The picture I had seen of the mother brought my breath to a halt. Only a photograph can capture that level of agony. I carried that image in my mind for days.

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Photo credit: Huy Mach

I’ve carried pain in my heart for months. Shifting it around, trying to lessen the load. Praying, breathing, meditating and stretching beyond my current self. There is a lot going on in my life. My marriage is still at a complete halt. I can at this moment say I’m neither married nor single. I live in question mark status. Nevertheless, I’m going to rely on the one who never changes. Jesus. He is trying to get me to be a better human through all of this. Pain causes you to grow.

 

I had decided to close my joint account last week and begin processing divorce in minuscule increments. Even that seemed to be too much. A text from my husband came at 5:45 a.m. Do not close the joint account. Translation is simple, we are not taking the first step towards divorce. I could only type ok.

I have read Proverbs 31 many times trying to figure out how to become this woman for my family. I have worked so hard on self-improvement over the last year. I’ve been waiting on my sons and husband to notice. For someone to call me blessed. My son called me crazy a few days ago. I really contemplated his one word description of me based on my past actions and it made me very sad.

I have been taking yoga classes every Sunday and Tuesday. It’s becoming something I need to do to start my week peacefully. Reflecting on all the violence stemmed from hatred in the news I placed my mat on the floor. I was praying for a scripture to focus on during the class. In front of me was a yogi that had a stone placed on her mat. I know that has to do with chakras and energy. Our instructor wanted to chant. I abstained, but I listened to the beautiful sound it made and it left me with a very good feeling. I have been dedicating my yoga practice to God healing myself and my family. So many different people and beliefs in one room and there was no hatred. Maybe some have life complications, but we all left it on the mat. I was the only brown person in the room, but I felt peace not fear.

Romans 14:9 – So let us try to do what makes peace and helps one another.

I honor each life experience. For experience teaches wisdom and we should never grow tired of learning. Every life has value. Every problem a solution. Your belief may be different from mine, but I serve a God of such an amazing love. I am going to do my very best to share this love with my family and whomever else I’m destined to encounter. I also believe we should love our planet and the animals that don’t speak human. Let your roots sink way deep down as storms will come from time to time. Like yogis you will find we have the ability to bend and not break.

I am very grateful for every person that took the time to pray for me and my family over the last year. I am thankful we are all here. I am thankful that I know God is no respector of persons. I am thankful that miracles can arise from the most horrific circumstances. I am thankful God restores the broken. Namaste.

Support Beams

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Inspiration, Marriage, mental health, Relationships, Separation

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On Wednesday I layed it all on the line via text message. The response I got was detached. Be brave and ask hard questions when you need answers. He said there were too many bad memories to save our marriage on Thursday. Thursday I said no more tears because I’ve given my best effort. Today I woke unsure of what direction my life is about to take. Forty and dating just doesn’t sound appealing. It’s gonna be ok though. I’ve come a long way baby and I’m not standing alone.

Darling I Am Here For You

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, Relationships, Separation, Uncategorized

If you love someone be present.

Darling I am here for you. I am here exposed as naked as I can be in a brightness like a surgeon’s light in an operating room. Will you cut me open and discover what lies beneath my surface? I am here even when I don’t want to be. I am present. No longer hiding behind locked doors or barricaded in between walls. I am present. I proudly raise my hand like a kindergartner when you call my name and acknowledge I am here with you.

Whether it be familiar or unknown. Light or dark. I am here with you to express and discover love as it changes and takes on new forms. It’s meaning may change with seasons, but I will always be present in the words I do. I will accept challenges. I will pursue peace with all my might. I will love and be loved because it is my divine right to do so. I am now. Not future or past. Not unforgiving or anxious. Just now. I am a gentle touch, a reassuring word, a prayer warrior.

I am part of a family no matter its challenges. My identity is weaved amidst each member. My security and assurances recorded in ancient text in chapters and verses. I am present to be in my role acknowledging that I have purpose. Accepting my responsibilities. I am present to participate. I am present to live.

I feel love at my fingertips. In my heart. At the brush of your lips in happier times. Love’s energy flows through each step that connects with earth. Love is captured in each photographed memory. Close your eyes and remember its sound. Darling I am here for you. I am here exposed as naked as I can be.

Don’t Wonder

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, depression, Faith, Inspiration, Marriage, mental health, Relationships, Separation

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Don’t wonder in the midst of trials. Pray. Don’t wonder about life. Explore. Write your own story mistakes and all. Just don’t sit on the sidelines watching life pass you by like automatic scenes through a viewfinder.

Take pauses to enjoy gifts, friends and occassions. Take time to feel pain, love, joy or whatever it is you are brave enough to feel. Going to the edge and letting your toes dangle requires courage. Do not shut off your emotions and feel nothing. That’s simply emptiness.

Fill your vessel with life and let it overflow. Don’t wonder if you’re doing it right. Just try. Take baby steps if you must. Be repetative if necessary. It is your practice. It is your journey.

Don’t wonder about where it is you’re going. Let the journey lead you to your destiny. Be surprised along the way. Make memories. Cherish those worth cherishing and release those who are not. Be grateful for those you release because they still served a purpose on your journey.

Don’t wonder. Have faith. Believe with your heart in your divine purpose. Connect with your soul. Be aware and not scattered. Be strong and brave. Do not run or hide from stumbling blocks along your path. Warriors fight for truth. Find your truth. Discover the beauty in being yourself in spite of mental, physical or emotional challenges. Be free to embrace all of yourself. Don’t wonder. Just be.

Today I took a three hour workshop combining yoga and writing. This was something I wrote to encourage myself. I drove to the studio listening to Ed Sheeran crying. What to do when you have a child breaking your heart with bad life choices? For now I can only breathe, bend, pray and write.