Blogging requires a transparency that’s not for the faint of heart. My heart seems to need life support today.
I look at my son and see my little boy, but he’s actually a rebellious 20 year old. He’s got my smile, his dad’s eyes and was the most respectful kid growing up. He never gave me much trouble and then high school happened. Friends changed and so did my son. It’s been the hardest six years and I’m exhausted today.
I had a dream my son would go so far into darkness that there would be nothing I could do to save him. It’s pitch black now and pending criminal charges have rendered me helpless. I’ve had to cling to the promise that God said he would be watching over him for the last six years. I never imagined it would get this bad.
I tend to hold onto those I love. I will do anything to keep them from suffering even if it means harm to myself. I was driving home from work the other day and Jesus asked me why I kept trying to do his job and save everyone. I said I didn’t really know, but it was making me tired. Very tired and days were becoming filled with anxiety that I couldn’t shake. He simply said let them go. So I did.
The wound is the place where light enters you. ~Rumi
My wonderful Haitain had set in his mind that no other woman would hurt him like the one he divorced. I dreamed water was uncontrollably flooding the room we were in and I couldn’t stop it. I looked at him in the dream and he had a whole through his navel. I awoke and told him something has deeply wounded your spirit and his eyes began to fill with tears, but he said nothing. I can’t pay for sins I did not commit so I let go. My son doesn’t want to change his associations so I let go. His associations could very well land him in jail. My youngest son watches my heart get broken by others and tries very much so to encourage me.
Today I thought about light. That I would choose light and not remain in the darkness flooding my life. I’m trying to get over the hurt of another break up that I don’t understand. I have God and yoga. I have the peace that passes all understanding and an infinite love. This to shall pass.
God has chosen you and made you his holy people. He loves you. So you should always clothe yourselves with mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other, and forgive each other. If someone does wrong to you, forgive that person because the Lord forgave you. Even more than all this, clothe yourself in love. Love is what holds you all together in perfect unity. – Colossians 3:12-14
Isaiah 55:8 -“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.”
I have not blogged here in quite awhile. So much has been happening in my life. Some amazingly great things and some things that take divine strength to keep going. Sometimes life’s balance of events can be very intetesting. Through everything I pray and do yoga.
I remembered that I stripped religion down to one word, love, because all that other BS just wasn’t working for me. I remembered feeling what God’s love for me felt like in a therapy session. I almost fainted as it got stronger and stronger. I have no words to describe this love. I don’t even know if as a human I can replicate it. I remembered my 2015 search for peace and finding that through my yoga practice.
Life got unconventional for me last year. I have rose quartz in my window and spend more time in headstands than in church, yet I feel closer to God than ever. Like many, probably millions, I had him in a box. I thought I knew what he would act like blah blah blah until my life was greatly impacted by the above scripture. I asked myself if I was crazy, but I feel sane.
I sat for months waiting on God to fix an irreparable marriage. God sat for months waiting on me to pay attention to the women he kept placing in my path. He even sent one from Nigeria that I love dearly. I still kept waiting.
I would walk Bruno and just question out loud, Abba who is going to love me and this crazy puppy? I was to scared to begin a divorce process because the women in my family that have gotten divorced seem to end up alone for long periods of time. My mind reasoned it was better to hold onto a dead relationship than face that outcome.
Out of the clear blue meetup.com sky a Haitian appeared. Honestly I thought Satan had sent him lol. Life became to happy all of a sudden. I spent so much time in prayer and journaling because my brain couldn’t understand what was happening.
Soaking prayer is my go to activity for when I really want a clear answer from God. Things moved so fast with the Haitain that I was leary of entering a room full of prophets and intercessors. You don’t have to say anything for them to know your life activities lol.
It was a Saturday, and the preacher said, “You have already been healed from the broken relationship. You just needed to be strengthened. You put yourself in a bondage God never intended for you to be in and you’re being set free because someone else needs your gift of love.” That pretty much answered my questions about the guy I’m dating.
As we lay on the floor praying, Jesus took me to a grave. He placed the word marriage in it and buried it. I wept. I sobbed. I let go. He then took me to a river and baptized me over and over again saying we’d keep going until I was filled with hope. He said he had sent that man into my life to break the fall I needed to take so I would file for divorce. That he had had enough of watching me suffer and to go be happy.
What love is this? I don’t know. Almost six months later I’m still amazed. Happy has become exuberant. My 2015 search for the cultivation of peace in my life was an answer to his prayer. He had been searching for a place where he felt peace. I thought I was cultivating something for myself last year.
If I could say anything right now, it would be have no expectations of how God will accomplish things in your life and live without limits. Sometimes it’s going to be so damn hard. Other times it’s going to be so amazing your daily mantra will have to be to not be afraid of happiness. Life is a journey. Travel well.
Each morning like millions of others I’m on social media. I can’t seem to break the habit of starting my day like this. I have been trying for some time to begin my day with prayer, meditation or exercise. It most always starts with Facebook followed by Instagram.
This morning I wandered over to Pinterest and searched scriptures for hope. I have a board called inspiration.
I pinned this to my board this morning. The struggle is very real with doubt for me. It makes it very hard to trust my decisions because I’m always second guessing everything. This can cause me to start spinning out of control in anxiety.
Recently I dreamed my husband came to me and told me he was sorry. He was hugging me in that dream and I could literally feel his embrace. I woke up extremely rattled because I haven’t touched him in months. I being who I am wanted a microscopic analysis of this occurrance. Jesus what does this mean? I heard nothing so doubt kicked in with all its negative voices. He’s not sorry. You’re crazy. When are you going to do something? Blah blah blah. I could not get to the soaking prayer service fast enough! I went in like a spy trying to determine who could help settle my mind. We were instructed to ask God to give us a vision beyond the door. I prayed to see beyond the door.
I then saw Jesus open a door. I was afraid to go beyond the door. Not knowing what was waiting for me I froze in fear. As I stood in the doorway a brick path appeared and we began to walk. I’m trying to remain calm and not freak out because my questions were about being married. Trees began to appear everywhere and the brick path went down the middle.
The trees you see represent an abundance of life. You have been holding on for so long. Even at times clinging to hope. I am opening the door to an abundant life. A beautiful life. A joyous life. A plentiful life.
I have you on the path to freedom not only for yourself, but I am calling you to set the captives free. Set them free Kathryn with your words. Use your words. The power of life and death is in the tongue. Give the captives life.
I did not doubt the voice of God. I did not doubt his presence.
On Sunday I went to the altar for prayer. Ironically the sermon had been on marriage, which went along with a book on marriage I’m reading. I confessed to the woman praying for me that my marriage was in ashes and I was tired of clinging to hope. She prayed as I stood in betwixt doubt and hope. Just that Friday I had decided to give up hoping, so I found this sermon very ironic. I hadn’t been to church in weeks and the Sunday I go the sermon is on marriage. Note, if it’s ironic, a little weird, perhaps even insane by your standards it’s likely a God thing.
James 1 speaks very clearly on doubt. Expect to receive nothing because doubtful persons are unstable in everything. I’m really trying to use this second marriage crisis to grow even more as an individual. I’ve recently started parenting classes. I’m reading Love and Respect. I seriously failed in the respect area, but realize my behavior was tied to the lack of love I was receiving. I realize all the damage my sometimes harsh criticism has caused to my family because I felt unloved. I don’t completely blame myself for this horrible mess, but do accept responsibility for my actions.
So here I stand not knowing what the future holds, but knowing that God is merciful and his grace covers all my mistakes. Knowing that I can be a better person. I can find rest in hope. After all trouble don’t last always. Never give up on yourself or your dreams!
On August 24, 2015 I walked into a room of teaching artists. I was attending a poetry workshop taught by Glenis Redmond. I wish all Mondays started like this! She had sprayed the room with rose water. Artists are eccentric so I noticed colors, jewelry, clothing, voice tones, presence. You name it I noticed it. I was on sensory overload and it was heaven!
I have been trying to live with great effort, but felt very dead in my job. I am a creative and most definitely in the minority. I’m most often misunderstood and perceived as too emotional. I would describe the work environment as rigid and toxic. It is very hard to function in these working conditions as a creative. Sometimes I literally can’t think.
So I prayed. Dear God please rescue me from this horrible place. Am I finished laying the foundation? Why do I have to be on lock down if I feel like I’m spiritually dying?! Let me out of here before I lose it. Reorganization has people tripping. Do you see this mess?! So on and so forth. It is ok if you do not pray what are considered to be normal prayers. It’s like there is a heavenly translator if you’re like me. Perhaps they even bleep out cuss words lol.
Several months ago God had told me to strengthen the foundation. It’s very hard when your job is literally a spiritual assignment and you’re working for people that don’t know the purpose of you being there. Many may not even care. I walk public housing communities five days a week. That’s a heavy weight. Despair, poverty, lack of education, bad parenting, addiction among so many other negative things invade my world five days a week. Sometimes more if we have events. Sometimes I don’t know which problem to work on and I just sit at my desk looking out the window at people I want to scream at. What the hell is your problem? Where the hell is Iyanla? Jesus help me it’s too much? I feel overwhelmed. I feel dead. It’s hard to breathe.
I watched a NPR video with my boss that showed an English teacher using rap to teach his class. That was like someone giving me CPR. I said self you can do that with poetry. My speech is to proper for rap lol. My team is designing an after school program that will focus on math and literature. It occurred to me that creativity had to be the main component in designing the program.
And then there was the best two days of my year with some amazing people! Day one began with being introduced to praise poetry. Glenis said Nigerians were the chief scribes of this west African poetry. I sat up straight in my chair and perked up like my puppy does when he’s listening closely for something. “Lord did you hear her say Nigerian? What is about to happen?” She then explained she had traced herself back to Nigeria and Cameroon. I raised my hand and explained I had gone to Nigeria and gotten married and found it interesting that I was now about to learn their poetry. She said, “you are here for spiritual reasons also.” I knew she was right.
With teaching artists and Glenis Redmond
I soaked in every moment like a sponge. My breaths expanding. Becoming aware of my heart beating. Being allowed to feel anything I wished and share that with others. It was so great not to have an unfair expectation of being a robot as a burden! We read, wrote, shared and cried over and over. It was liberating! I was allowed to create with no boundaries.
I woke up the next day praying. God why did you allow this awesome woman to invade my space?
Kathryn you needed confirmation and I sent her to confirm your identity. There is nothing wrong with you. Not even your marriage choice. You are ok.
Selfie with Glenis Redmond
At the end of day two several of us thanked Glenis for bringing us back to life. We were literally the walking dead. Even now tears spill from my eyes as gratitude for this experience fills my heart. I now have an artist statement, praise poem and a literacy activity schedule. I am ready to help kids on our properties!
Yesterday I found a scripture about comfort. I told Glenis I would blog my experience as soon as I found the scripture to complete it. This blog is my open book to those in the universe that would care to read it. I can’t put into words how awesome my father is. He is more than God to me he is Abba. He ambushed me with the most wonderful two days that erased weeks of twilight zone funk.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 – All praise to God the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.
May my words bring you comfort and peace. Creativity is the way out of captivity. Use your right brain and visualize a better outcome. Perhaps you too will be ambushed.
I recently attended a, seminar at my church, Fighting Back With Joy, by author Margaret Feinberg. Joy was not even on my radar, but I just felt like I should go. My whole thought process has been focused on gratitude. I’ve been trying so hard to make this an every day component of my life even if all I write down every day is the dog and my two sons. Armies don’t go into battle with one type of weapon though. That would be insane! There are more weapons! Not discounting gratitude of course, I think it has added another dimension of peace to my life. But then there’s the epic battle with depression, you need joy to fight great sadness.
Galatians 5:22-23 – But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control. There is no law against these things.
I went to the seminar alone. I don’t have friends to call up and say hey wanna hang out. I think the drama of a bad marriage caused me to lose the ones I had. It’s really hard listening to a person’s suffering on a daily basis. I tried not to be Debbie Downer, but you have friends to vent to right? I most definitely should have used my imagination to give conversational details about my every day life. I miss one friend a hell of a lot, she always made me laugh and she had a cat that I would go pet for eternity on really bad days. So what do you do when you lose your very limited quantity of friends? You pray for new ones that will be able to relate to your circumstances, otherwise everyone will keep dropping you like a bad habit.
I have met three women recently who can relate. I met the newest one at the church event. She was on a pursuit for joy. She shared her story, which was worse than my own, with a smile. I must say she was a beautiful soul and I was thankful that God was still answering my prayer. Even for something as small as having someone to enjoy breaks with for the evening.
I learned some very important things about how to fight with joy. The author was diagnosed with cancer and she shared how she had researched joy for an entire year, because that was her weapon to fight cancer. She was a great comedian! There was so much laughter during her presentation. Laughter feels so much better than crying.
So how do you load, aim and shoot joy at what knocks the breath out of you?
1. Poke holes in the darkness with laughter. Overcome despair and doubt with gratitude. Draw a line in your life and surround yourself with nontoxic people. So you may get kicked to the curb like I did if others in your life are doing this lol. Don’t take it personal!
Proverbs 17:22 ~ A cheerful heart is good medicine.
2. Remain suspicious God is up to something good.
Genesis 50:20 ~ You meant to hurt me, but God turned your evil into good to save the lives of many people, which is being done now.
I blog to purge my heart and soul of the tremendous amount of pain weighing me down. I need to be set free. We all know the divorce rate in this country is extremely high. That was one reason I chose to fly across an ocean and marry into a culture where divorce is pretty much not an option. I have no clue what my husband’s problem is, but it required me to shift my focus. It required me to say Lord what are you trying to teach me through this horrible experience? If I hadn’t been mistreated I wouldn’t have gone in search of the depths of God’s love. I was only experiencing surface love prior to all this marriage hell. Jesus showed up one day with an empty present and he gave it to me. He told me to put all the pain in the empty box so he could exchange it with his love. He said that was his primary purpose in my life. When I handed the box back, he began to send waves one at a time of his love. I was only able to physically withstand seven waves. I felt I was about to faint right in the therapist’s office. All I could ask is what kind of love is this? It’s too much. He took my pain that day and walked away with it. I have not been the same since. It is impossible to remain the same after such an experience.
3. Help others fight back with joy.
Be compassionate. Suffer with someone.
Be calm. Broken people don’t need you to fix them.
Be constructive. Ask them what they need.
Be consistent. Commit to be there for the long haul.
Be confessional. Ask God how to pray.
Our last act that evening was to release red balloons into the air to shift our focus from our problems up to God. I must confess at times I go back and forth with this. I’m determined to keep getting up after every fall until I learn to quit taking my problems back after prayer. I know my prayers are being heard. Oh the struggles of becoming a reformed control freak lol. Red balloons were the symbol of joy for the author.
So what weapons did you go into battle with? Anger, fear, depression, loneliness, despair. Trust me those weapons are useless. They will leave you crippled. The fruits of the Spirit are so much more effective. It’s like learning to operate at a Navy seal level versus that of a private. We all know that training is really going to kick your ass on a daily. But you come through it with things you didn’t even know you had. Buying Margaret's book. Don't we look joyful?!
My last sentence is borrowed from another author. Choose your weapons wisely and follow the divine instructions and I’ll see you on the other side.
God whispers to us in our pleasures, but he shouts to us in our pain. ~ C.S. Lewis
Psalm 51:10 – Create in me a pure heart God, and make my spirit right again.
Ever had to pray that scripture over and over again? I have. Your heart can be consumed with so many negative emotions from what happens in your life. Anger, bitterness and strife are just a few things that can poison your heart and spirit. My sin of choice tends to be anger.
April 11, 2015 I went to church. A prophet I had studied under before was in town. I had no intention of praying for my marriage. I considered that situation hopeless for many reasons. I spent most of the service praying for my oldest son. He seems to have forgotten his upbringing. I currently am still waiting for my child to return to his body and senses!
The speaker stopped preaching and said there are two homes here that are in trouble raise your hands. Well that was a no brainer so I raised my entire arm. Only one hand. Prophet repeats there are two people. He’s looking for the second person. I eventually have both arms in the air and am myself looking for the second person. I was becoming very embarrassed. I wasn’t even praying about this! Finally my former mentor got a microphone and told another woman it was also her marriage God was putting in the spotlight. Hallelujah! I could finally put my hands down! He looked at us and said, “God said do not worry about your marriages he will give you restitution. ”
I’m driving home repeating this word. Saying what just happened. Of course I knew the meaning of restitution, but my brain was not accepting the prophetic word. I went straight to dictionary.com, but the prophet had given a spiritual meaning while preaching.
Restitution – In a season of restitution God will have to restore everything you lost in an immature state.
So I should have been breakdancing right? Yeah, that’s so not what I did. Restore, restore, restore. I kept pacing and saying the word out loud. I got angrier and angrier. Finally anger spilled from my heart out of my mouth. “Jesus who the hell is supposed to give this restitution?! Do you not see what he’s done to me?”
Not your typical Christian prayer. Nope nope nope. Exit blog if you’re looking for the fake holy roller type. Now I DO NOT recommend praying in this manner at all for the record. I went to therapy demanding an explanation from the therapist. I went to yoga and tried to leave the anger on the mat. However, in deep relaxation God gave me a vision that screamed mercy for my husband. Now I had a prophetic word plus a vision.
Lord have mercy! It was just too much and in true black girl fashion hand went to hip, finger went up in the air, body roll plus shift and I was like really Jesus. I’m done! I’m so over it!
Eventually I just felt lost. I hate not having direction on what I should do. My hell raising, rebellious days ended years ago. One too many spiritual whoopings. Lol. I went to a soaking prayer service with journal in hand ready to write what thus saith the Lord. Ms. Shirley came by and kissed my forehead. She said, “God says he loves you and you are his daughter. There is nothing too hard for him and he will never leave you. Just give it to him and leave it. Ask him for what you want. Trust him.”
My problem was now compounded. Not only was I still angry, but I also had lost trust in God because this was pretty much what he said during the first separation and things had again fallen apart again. Sorry Jesus no deal! I will keep my anger and distrust this whole situation is shady.
I lay there crying. I wrote a prayer in my journal, but I didn’t directly ask for anything concerning my family. It took every breath and thought I had to trust God the first time. You can lose your mind when you know your spouse is dating and God says do nothing. That’s some serious heartbreak.
I did so much yoga trying to work through this message. So many asanas and still had the same problem. God finally said he would be silent until I was no longer angry.
May 22, 2015. I return to soaking prayer. Anger and unforgiveness has got to go cause WWJD is the question at hand! I hike near water to clear my mind. I love water and its calming affect. Hiking along the James river.
So if you’re a logical left brain worshipper here is where I’m about to ditch you. I used to be one of those kind myself. Attending a life altering workshop on worshipping with your right brain by Mark Virkler changed my life. I shall never return!
I stood with Jesus under a waterfall. We walked on river rocks. He knows I go to water and woods for peace and clarity. He placed his hand on my heart and I saw an electric current go through his arm to my heart. Jesus asked if I was ready to take some cleansing breaths so I said sure. He said breathe until it’s gone. I tried my best not to sound like Darth Vader in a prayer service, but you have to make that sound. Otherwise they’re not cleansing breaths. I inhaled air and exhaled anger and unforgiveness. Sweet freedom! I saw such a beautiful picture of myself.
You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens. ~ Rumi
Heart openers are some of my favorite poses. Above all I want a heart that overflows in God’s love. Perhaps you also have heart issues and could use a waterfall and river rock experience. It’s very easy to find God. All you need is prophetic soaking music (YouTube has great songs), journal and pen. It’s not so easy to find healing after being hurt in a relationship, but it is possible. Live your best life. You only get one on this side of eternity.
My friend said my life is like a Tyler Perry movie. I must say I think he’s right because you can’t even make up the stuff that happens to me. In spite of it all I chose to smile today. I took the dog that my husband walked out on for two walks. I did yard work and some yoga. Most importantly I prayed.
There are a few people in my life that are sticking with me through the craziness. I love and appreciate them so much! Today’s events were borderline crazy as far as marriage drama. What’s done in the dark always comes to light.
Yesterday the Holy Spirit told me I would see my husband at the library. Today it happened. I must again reflect on God’s love for me even through the pure hell I’m going through I know this love. My husband doesn’t want me to know his address. I also endured this during the first separation. I cried for weeks driving up and down streets of multiple cities, but God kept me. He kept me from completely falling apart.
I watched my husband drive away with my staff through library windows. I’ll spare the Internet the crazy details. I decided to drive to my office rather than drive up and down streets. I pulled up behind a car with a license plate of TKIT2GOD. Take it to God. I just began to laugh. God is trying so hard to move me beyond worrying. I think I’ll just free fall into grace and peace.
I started my day with prayer and exercise. I felt myself coming out of the fog of depression that overshadows me. It changed my day.
There is a song by Kurt Carr called God Kept Me. It’s my testimony. Joy is sometimes so very hard to find, which makes it even more precious.
So I’m here today because he kept me. I’m alive today only because of his grace. God kept me. He kept me. God’s mercy held me close so I wouldn’t let go.
May the joy of the Lord be my strength and yours in abundance. Amen
March 30, 2015 was the beginning of my second separation. It sent me reeling. It’s May 26, 2015 and I still don’t know exactly why I’m separated.
I was so happy in October to have my husband back. He seemed just as happy as I was. Oddly enough we both realized 30 days into coming back together nothing changed, but it was for different reasons. I was the only one who had spent the time apart to grow into a better person. I had wanted to be a better wife with all my heart. He was the same if not worse. He did not honor our contracts. He was still secretive and manipulative. I was trying so hard to not have the same marriage, but because of his terms and me trying to demonstrate I could follow as a wife I crashed in the same train wreck all over again.
John 11:32 – “Lord if you had been here my brother would not have died.”
This scripture has been swirling in my head for two days. This is Martha’s reaction to the death of her brother Lazarus. This is my reaction to my marriage. Jesus if you had just done something to help me I wouldn’t be separated.
Martha’s response caused Jesus to weep. I’m sure it was her disbelief. I’m trying so hard to believe in God’s power to perform miracles right now. I spent all of Friday distraught because I could not think of a single person to help me. To say on my behalf that I am a good woman with a kind heart. When my brain can’t produce a solution anxiety kicks in.
As I journaled a prayer this evening I asked God if he had any good plans for me as written in scripture. I’ve suffered so much trying to give love. Most of my life my love has been regarded as nothing. No value to it at all.
I wonder what happened to the man I married. The one who assured me everything would be ok. The one who would email me scriptures. The only one I ever gave full access to myself. I was so comfortable growing into myself with him. I wonder what happened to us. The two who never ran out of words to speak. The two whose love spanned an ocean. The two who found everything in each other
Jesus if you had only been there my life would not be falling apart. I’d rather be a Mary than a Martha, but it’s really hard. No one understands you when you just can’t seem to find a way to kill the love in your heart for a person who treats you so bad. My heart broke every day he denied having a wife. I kept asking myself what was wrong with me that he should deny me.
Jesus if you had just come sooner his heart would not be consumed in bitterness and mine wouldn’t be shattered. Where were you when the warning signs were flashing bright red all around me? Where were you while I was trying not to lose myself and love him at the same time. Where were you when he didn’t come home and I had to ask another woman why? Jesus if only you’d come sooner he would honor his vows to love only me.
Cherish your spouse. Let love and forgiveness rule your heart. Do not be consumed with bitterness and deceit. I’ve learned that staying married is extremely hard work.
Jesus didn’t come into my situation sooner he came later. I recently attended a training class in Los Angeles. I flew from the east coast and he sent a woman from Nigeria to my same class. Only God does things like that. I got to talk to her about my marriage woes and she hugged me and instantly became my sister. I’ve been needing someone to talk to for weeks. I realized how much God must love me to send a woman from Nigeria to spend time with me. Miracles like that are easy to recognize. Others not so much.
I’ve decided to once again grow as a person. It seems everyone can see my heart , but my husband. He no longer has spiritual eyes. If he did perhaps we’d be in marriage counseling. I hope to become a Mary one day, but I know God loves me as a Martha and he will never abandon me.
See what this sorrow—the sorrow God wanted you to have—has done to you: It has made you very serious. It made you want to restore yourselves. – 2 Corinthians 7:11
I can’t remember the last time I tried to form sentences to compose a blog. My job has been like an all consuming inferno. It feels like I’m battling a wildfire with a single hose sometimes. In addition families have assigned roles and responsibilities.
For about the last month or so it has been tense and stressful. I felt like
I had no place to rest other than the yoga studio. It was very challenging to feel this way and have no one notice that I was struggling so much. I literally had a brief meltdown at a stop light. It’s not cool to do this because other drivers are likely to notice. I was simply overwhelmed with the thought of having to give everyone in my life too much of myself and when I compared what I was getting in return it just shattered something in me.
Givers are often taken advantage of. Givers neglect themselves because someone will always need something. I can easily find myself existing on fumes because not only am I a giver, but I am an introvert. Introverts need time to themselves to replenish what they give out. Not taking this time leads to very serious problems. I know better, but there was no time for me or my needs. There was no time for prayer or worship. No time for exercise or yoga. Do you know exercise can have drastic positive effects for depression? I do. That was my 2013 – 2014 truth. My biggest sorrow though is extreme business causes me to neglect my relationship with God.
It’s not that he forgets about me. I’m the one who generally neglects the relationship. Then I freak out if I can’t hear his voice. I don’t know about me sometimes.
Marriage got a little hard, but we navigated out of choppy waters. I’m beginning to wonder if we just need occasional drama. Possible side effect of dysfunction as a normality.
I had to do something cause sleeping on couch rotations get old quick. I had to restore my own vessel rather than remaining empty. I had to go crawling back to God with one more I’m sorry I haven’t spoken to you in weeks please help me speeches. It’s likely not my last so don’t judge me. As I began to sing in worship I felt God hold my hands. It had been awhile and I just began to weep because he never forgets about me. I took a few minutes to pray. I did yoga and a workout. I found a way to balance my scales.
On my all about me day
This is a serious battle for me, but I must win. My well being depends on this victory. I can’t give to others if I myself am empty.
Today is my birthday and I spent most of it in quiet reflection.
I stumbled across a really cool quote that resonated with me. The people in my life are not likely to change, but I can change myself. I can find greatness in my every day life. Isn’t that what makes it unconventional? Be good to yourselves always. There is only one you.
Jude 1:2 – Mercy, peace and love be yours in abundance.
I am the color of peanut butter. Native, African and European collided to make me. Sometimes I feel as if I don’t belong to any particular people group. White doesn’t claim me. Black says I’m not black enough. Native doesn’t know me and refuses to historically accept me and those like me in some tribes. What is my identity?
My husband very proudly declares he is African. He is in love with his blackness. He looks at me and shrugs lol. He along with everyone else in my family thinks I’m not black enough. If one more person asks if we’re having black food for Thanksgiving we will be in a drive through! Is it too much to ask that my gourmet palette be indulged for one day?
My life experience has been very different. Black girls hated me growing up and I could never understand why. I just wanted friends. The white girls took me in and were my best friends. They taught me about shaving legs and wearing eyeliner in elementary school. My mother hit the roof. Her black child was not supposed to do those things! I snuck and did both and my sister made sure to sing like a canary. I belonged to a group so I didn’t care and I very proudly lifted up my aqua net bangs with my friends. She messed up my census paperwork anyways. I was supposed to be an other lol.
Middle and high school were different. Leaving West Virginia for Northern Virginia was culture shock indeed. There was such diversity! It was awesome! I am the color of peanut butter and I sounded like a country hick/redneck. Black kids demanded I be quiet or go back to wherever there were people with my accent. My sister tried to work with me for days. I will never know how she mastered the accent of the hood that we’d never been to. Exasperated she gave up and begged me to say I was adopted. No one wanted me to answer the phone, it confused whoever was calling. I sang John Denver’s Country Roads every single day. Ahh sweet childhood memories. Luckily the asian, white and hispanic kids were ready to befriend me. I was in honors, you only needed to be intelligent. I also landed two black friends.
So this is the back story to what exactly? A grand jury verdict I suppose. I don’t know how to feel due to my life experience. Should I be enraged, mournful or anxious? I keep asking my husband if perhaps we should try Canada? He’s enraged. I’m thoughtful. Last night we were watching his black history DVDs followed by a sermon in a black church by a black man. “Kathryn you hear that,” he asks. I reply yes. I want to understand a black man’s experience in America, but is that even possible?
Five days a week I am surrounded by black children because I work in public housing. My sons are black teenagers. At times I am concerned about their existence in this country.
I asked God to show me something after my yoga class on Sunday and we made a few stops, but this verse in Jude stuck with me. It is the focus of my yoga practice. Yoga has no color. I belong to a people group again. The instagram yoga community is amazing! I find more of myself with each pose. I do headstand when I am overwhelmed. I call it changing my perspective. I have been balanced on my head quite a lot for months. My husband thinks I’m crazy, but last night he was balanced on his head as well. He keeps asking me why I spend so much time on my head and in yoga poses. I always give the same response. “I’m looking for Jesus. We meet on my yoga mat.” I then listen to very long speeches on mixing religions. He doesn’t realize I left religion for relationship a long time ago. People do evil things behind religion. I just want to emulate the heart of God.
So if I had wishes for falling stars. I would wish all human life mattered not it’s origin. I would wish that none of the public housing children would fall into doomed generational statistics. That children sold into sex trafficking would be set free and their souls healed. That child soldiers would lay down weapons for toys. That young girls would not have to be mutilated or become child brides. That diversity would be appreciated. That the heart of yoga would flow through more people. That my son would pull his damn pants up! That I would be accepted for myself because peanut butter is freaking awesome! Above all I pray that mercy, peace and love be your covering.
The Unconventional Life 
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