Category: christianity

Prodigal Challenges

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Inspiration, mental health, parenting, Relationships, Spirituality

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I was groggy when I dropped my son off this morning at the jail to begin his community service. I drove like a bat out of hell trying to get him there by 7:45. I am sick and tired literally.

I watched strange youth line up. So many of them. I just sat for a moment as I tried to absorb statistics against a grey sky accompanied by a brisk wind. My son didn’t wear a coat like the others. He wasn’t prepared. Neither was I. I haven’t quite figured out how to cope  with this set of circumstances.

I have retraced all my motherhood steps. I have yet to find the misstep. I have asked my son multiple times to help me, but he simply says, “You were a good mom.”

Hours later he calls and says he is not being released. The spin of the tornado begins again. I lose it because I am sick and I just want to rest. I don’t want to have to deal with a rebellious son entangled in the criminal justice system. “I’m sick of your fucking lifestyle. If you had better friends I wouldn’t be dealing with this shit.” He hangs up. He calls back. I am still in an exasperated panic. I shut him down with anger. Epic fail again.

I call my mom who joins me in the whipping winds of an unwanted emergency. The unpaid court fines do not belong to us, but once again we absorb another burden. My mother insists we can’t give up on him.

“Jesus this isn’t fair. You didn’t ask me if I wanted to experience this. I would have vehemently said no thank you.” I think about the emotional and financial drain this puts on me. I simply don’t feel like it.

I am baffled by the disappearance of my son. It’s hard to hold eye contact with who he is. My shoulders slump in disappointment. My eyes are tired from crying. It’s hard to focus.

After repenting for cussing like a sailor, I can only pray for mercy. I don’t understand why this is happening. I paused almost my entire adulthood to raise my sons. I went to churches and parks instead of clubs. I tried so hard, which makes feeling like a failure even worse.

My husband reads the parable of the prodigal son very loudly. He asks if I understand that I can’t love my son more than God does. I nod yes. He asks why am I crying when God is at peace. I just stare blankly at him. “You see Kathryn, God will use whatever circumstance that is necessary to draw us to him. You still do not understand his love,” he says. The tension between us is now gone.

My son is an unknown number to me for the next several days. I named him Christian so that he would know to whom he belonged. No judicial system can ever erase or replace that.

And Then There Was Light

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, mental health, Relationships, Spirituality, Uncategorized

Colossians 4:2 – Continue praying, keeping alert and always thanking God.

I have been absent from the blogosphere because of so many changes happening so quickly in my life. It’s been truly amazing and I am so grateful for small miracles.

I just experienced one of the darkest years of my life, but I managed to find peace in the midst of so much turmoil. I did this through prayer, worship, exercise and yoga. For 13 months I only had two goals. Survive the turmoil by taking one day at a time and allow God to develop my character.

It wasn’t easy! Have you ever had one of those days where you feel crushed by problems and it throws you into depression and/or anxiety? Last week I had serious financial problems. A year ago I would have completely shut down from not having enough money. Today I acknowledged there was a problem, prayed and waited for God to provide the solution. Everything fell into place just in time. My husband looked at me and said, “Do you ever think about how God has perfect timing?” I laughed because about a minute earlier I had said a prayer of thanks for the very thing he was questioning me on.

I have started practicing yoga headstands when I feel myself getting anxious. I call it changing my perspective. There’s just something about being upside down. It allows me to visualize all the worries or problems falling from my mind while meditating on biblical promises. Quirky remedy, but it works for me and I have much stronger abs lol.

I never imagined I would be in a mental space of contentment. I had to release the need to control everything and everyone. Any drama being brought into my life by others was classified as optional. When pursuing peace it is not possible to live in chaos caused by drama. I had to choose the healthiest option for my own mind and spirit.

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Integrating into the Instagram yoga and exercise community has been amazing. I have so much encouragement from total strangers. I love the yogis who post insightful quotes with their pictures. Love and release of expectations are at the center of my practice. I do not have to be the overachiever driven by an insane need for success. Not to say I haven’t been like I can do that and tried some pose knowing better. I have. I’m a work in progress. When this happens I just remind myself I am not in competition with anyone. This is my journey and it’s ok to be happy with where I am in that moment. I am grateful for this paradigm shift in my thinking, it didn’t come easily.

I am grateful that I have stripped my Christian walk all the way down to the basics through prayer. Love is as basic as it gets. If people practiced the act of giving love more we would live in a better environment.

I sat one day and read some of the prayers I had written in my journal over the last year. I noticed there was so much need, but an overall lack of gratitude in the beginning for what I had. I have learned to be thankful for every small blessing. It’s amazing at what hikes and yoga mats will show you.

My home is happy and consolidated now. The husband returned with a puppy that I absolutely love. I have found a comfortable place to be in as a wife. I did not have this before. We are working together instead of separately. I made it through a very tough time with my oldest son. No parent ever wants to see their child at the mercy of a court of law. I prayed through asana after asana. I dedicated hours of yoga practice towards the reconciliation of my family. Everything is not perfect, but God finally spoke to my storm and said let there be light.

I learned to dance in the rain with a grateful heart. Heart openers are some of my favorite poses. You can’t receive anything if your heart is closed. For better or worse were the words I spoke almost nine years ago. So glad that the worse seems to finally be behind me.

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Cracked Vessels

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, depression, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Relationships, Separation

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I have two options for Wednesdays. Writer’s group or yoga class. Each group serves a different need to connect with others. Even if I sit quietly as introverts do, I find short reprieves that make me very grateful.

It’s the third day of picking myself up and trying again. I know Jesus has all my pieces in his hands. I know eventually it will be ok. There are some helping now with the pieces. Most go. Hoping for those who will see a reason to stay.

How I feel. No really.

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, depression, Faith, Marriage, Relationships, Separation, Uncategorized

How do I feel? That’s a loaded question I’ve been trying to avoid thinking about. The last two days have been very challenging. I feel exhausted, heartbroken, lonely, sad and hopeless.

I have no desire to live in an indefinite limbo. Not one part of me understands why I am married to someone I haven’t seen in two months. I had started the mental process of giving up last week. And then there was the text where he called me baby. I turned my head in all directions. I looked at the confirmation, yes baby, not knowing what to text afterwards. Naturally I asked why. Why do you refer to me with such a loving term when your actions scream otherwise at me? Your actions make me feel like I am nothing. That emptiness will be my only companion. He questioned what I had expected to be called. Nothing.

I have chosen exercise to try and cope with the ache in my heart. I don’t get to choose which days are harder than others. Eeyore days randomly choose me. I listened to Joyce Meyer yesterday preach on why feelings shouldn’t be a major factor making decisions. She spoke on their ability to derail everything. She used the scripture I had read right before turning on the podcast. Probably not a coincidence.

Galatians 6:9 – So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.

Did I mention I was tired and I can’t take anymore? My therapist is clever. I had stopped praying because I was afraid. That is the wrong thing to tell a Christian therapist. Yes, he made me pray last session. He said pray and declare over your family Kathryn and so I did. He then asked if I understood why he was giving me these instructions. Yes, because praying God’s will would not intentionally harm me was my reply.

I’m six months shy of my ninth anniversary. I remember leaving my two small children to fly across an ocean to marry someone. I remember fighting a five year immigration battle alone. I remember spending months researching immigration cases trying to get my husband here faster alone. Taking a suitcase full of clothes to a nephew I would never meet when he had nothing. I remember all the sacrifices I have made and that’s why I feel an indescribable amount of pain. How can you shift what hurts so bad?

I have so many unanswered questions. I keep trying to understand why there is no fulfillment. I am only half of the equation. My mind knows how a husband is supposed to love a wife and how that love would be multiplied and returned in greater quantities. I have nothing to increase or return. I return neglect with silence. Inevitably this will result in a negative outcome. Perhaps this is a cultural divide as wide as the grand canyon, but that doesn’t make it alright.

Today I am wallowing. I know that is not good. I feel so tired of living life this way. I’m only human. My heart wants to believe and hope in every biblical promise. It’s just hard when prayers continually go unanswered. It’s even harder when all you can hear are the lyrics to Jealous by Beyonce with head bowed and hands clasped. Perhaps that is my prayer. I relate to those words. I hate you for your lies and your colors. I hate us for making good love to each other. If you’re keeping your promise I’m keeping mine. Amen

I can only hope for a better tomorrow where laughter comes from deep within my soul instead of the tears that so frequently overflow from my heart.

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Sink Way Deep Down

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, depression, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, mental health, Relationships, Separation, Uncategorized

There has been such tragedies in the news over the last week. Momentum building with one story after another. Eric Garner strangled to death by choke hold. Michael Brown murdered in Ferguson. Robin Williams commits suicide because of depression. Two more black males murdered by law enforcement. People fleeing persecution in Iraq. I spent most of my week weeping for people I don’t even know.

I may never meet them, but I have prayed for them. My oldest son is 18. I tried to talk to him after the Michael Brown tragedy, but I honestly could barely find words. The picture I had seen of the mother brought my breath to a halt. Only a photograph can capture that level of agony. I carried that image in my mind for days.

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Photo credit: Huy Mach

I’ve carried pain in my heart for months. Shifting it around, trying to lessen the load. Praying, breathing, meditating and stretching beyond my current self. There is a lot going on in my life. My marriage is still at a complete halt. I can at this moment say I’m neither married nor single. I live in question mark status. Nevertheless, I’m going to rely on the one who never changes. Jesus. He is trying to get me to be a better human through all of this. Pain causes you to grow.

 

I had decided to close my joint account last week and begin processing divorce in minuscule increments. Even that seemed to be too much. A text from my husband came at 5:45 a.m. Do not close the joint account. Translation is simple, we are not taking the first step towards divorce. I could only type ok.

I have read Proverbs 31 many times trying to figure out how to become this woman for my family. I have worked so hard on self-improvement over the last year. I’ve been waiting on my sons and husband to notice. For someone to call me blessed. My son called me crazy a few days ago. I really contemplated his one word description of me based on my past actions and it made me very sad.

I have been taking yoga classes every Sunday and Tuesday. It’s becoming something I need to do to start my week peacefully. Reflecting on all the violence stemmed from hatred in the news I placed my mat on the floor. I was praying for a scripture to focus on during the class. In front of me was a yogi that had a stone placed on her mat. I know that has to do with chakras and energy. Our instructor wanted to chant. I abstained, but I listened to the beautiful sound it made and it left me with a very good feeling. I have been dedicating my yoga practice to God healing myself and my family. So many different people and beliefs in one room and there was no hatred. Maybe some have life complications, but we all left it on the mat. I was the only brown person in the room, but I felt peace not fear.

Romans 14:9 – So let us try to do what makes peace and helps one another.

I honor each life experience. For experience teaches wisdom and we should never grow tired of learning. Every life has value. Every problem a solution. Your belief may be different from mine, but I serve a God of such an amazing love. I am going to do my very best to share this love with my family and whomever else I’m destined to encounter. I also believe we should love our planet and the animals that don’t speak human. Let your roots sink way deep down as storms will come from time to time. Like yogis you will find we have the ability to bend and not break.

I am very grateful for every person that took the time to pray for me and my family over the last year. I am thankful we are all here. I am thankful that I know God is no respector of persons. I am thankful that miracles can arise from the most horrific circumstances. I am thankful God restores the broken. Namaste.

Support Beams

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Inspiration, Marriage, mental health, Relationships, Separation

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On Wednesday I layed it all on the line via text message. The response I got was detached. Be brave and ask hard questions when you need answers. He said there were too many bad memories to save our marriage on Thursday. Thursday I said no more tears because I’ve given my best effort. Today I woke unsure of what direction my life is about to take. Forty and dating just doesn’t sound appealing. It’s gonna be ok though. I’ve come a long way baby and I’m not standing alone.

Darling I Am Here For You

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, Relationships, Separation, Uncategorized

If you love someone be present.

Darling I am here for you. I am here exposed as naked as I can be in a brightness like a surgeon’s light in an operating room. Will you cut me open and discover what lies beneath my surface? I am here even when I don’t want to be. I am present. No longer hiding behind locked doors or barricaded in between walls. I am present. I proudly raise my hand like a kindergartner when you call my name and acknowledge I am here with you.

Whether it be familiar or unknown. Light or dark. I am here with you to express and discover love as it changes and takes on new forms. It’s meaning may change with seasons, but I will always be present in the words I do. I will accept challenges. I will pursue peace with all my might. I will love and be loved because it is my divine right to do so. I am now. Not future or past. Not unforgiving or anxious. Just now. I am a gentle touch, a reassuring word, a prayer warrior.

I am part of a family no matter its challenges. My identity is weaved amidst each member. My security and assurances recorded in ancient text in chapters and verses. I am present to be in my role acknowledging that I have purpose. Accepting my responsibilities. I am present to participate. I am present to live.

I feel love at my fingertips. In my heart. At the brush of your lips in happier times. Love’s energy flows through each step that connects with earth. Love is captured in each photographed memory. Close your eyes and remember its sound. Darling I am here for you. I am here exposed as naked as I can be.

Don’t Wonder

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, depression, Faith, Inspiration, Marriage, mental health, Relationships, Separation

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Don’t wonder in the midst of trials. Pray. Don’t wonder about life. Explore. Write your own story mistakes and all. Just don’t sit on the sidelines watching life pass you by like automatic scenes through a viewfinder.

Take pauses to enjoy gifts, friends and occassions. Take time to feel pain, love, joy or whatever it is you are brave enough to feel. Going to the edge and letting your toes dangle requires courage. Do not shut off your emotions and feel nothing. That’s simply emptiness.

Fill your vessel with life and let it overflow. Don’t wonder if you’re doing it right. Just try. Take baby steps if you must. Be repetative if necessary. It is your practice. It is your journey.

Don’t wonder about where it is you’re going. Let the journey lead you to your destiny. Be surprised along the way. Make memories. Cherish those worth cherishing and release those who are not. Be grateful for those you release because they still served a purpose on your journey.

Don’t wonder. Have faith. Believe with your heart in your divine purpose. Connect with your soul. Be aware and not scattered. Be strong and brave. Do not run or hide from stumbling blocks along your path. Warriors fight for truth. Find your truth. Discover the beauty in being yourself in spite of mental, physical or emotional challenges. Be free to embrace all of yourself. Don’t wonder. Just be.

Today I took a three hour workshop combining yoga and writing. This was something I wrote to encourage myself. I drove to the studio listening to Ed Sheeran crying. What to do when you have a child breaking your heart with bad life choices? For now I can only breathe, bend, pray and write.

Divine Curveballs

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, mental health, Relationships

I ignored the knock at the door like always. My son refuses to select better friends so I just ignore them in the same manner I ignore the daily heartbreak of his constant bad choices. The knocking became more urgent so I finally opened the door. The one thing that I felt in my spirit would happen and had been praying against had finally occurred.

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I had been thrown a divine curveball. I could let panic and anxiety overtake me as before, or I could exercise faith and trust at this critical moment.

I called. He’s not in the system. That takes hours, possibly tell midnight. I sat. I tossed and turned. As I woke before sunset, I thought Lord I’m not ready to hear out loud what I know. Give me one more hour. I checked my devotional and it was titled Turning Attitude Into Gratitude. http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/turning-attitude-into-grattitude/

Psalm 112:7 – They won’t be afraid of bad news; their hearts are steady cause they trust the Lord.

Today Jesus swooped down and saved me. I sat in the back of the courtroom. I watched mothers wiping tears from their eyes. I watched inmate after inmate be brought before the judge. I heard heartwrenching mental health cases. I saw my son in orange and I cried. Silent tears because I couldn’t express loud anguish in a courtroom. A scripture and a prior yoga class was providing enough counterweight to keep me steady.

Earth literally crumbled beneath my feet. I discovered I just had to rest in the palm of my creator’s hand. My reaction wasn’t what I expected of myself. Eerily calm. I am usually barking out orders fueled by adrenaline during crisises. Instead I just sat still, staring at a wall. I can no longer direct the actions of those in my life. They have choices to make as do I.

I feel distanced from my husband and son as I try to make better life choices. Spiritual obedience and a need for peace are my primary motivators. Constant dysfunction was having such a negative effect on my family. It crumbled, but new things can be built from ruins. I hope to reconnect with my son who has been living in a self-inflicted prison for the last four years. Mental prison or physical prison, which is worse? As his head lay in my lap for the first time in forever, I took a deep breath and prayed for the wisdom to parent the right way. I prayed for the strength to remain calm and be supportive.

It’s the last inning. Bases are loaded. I have two strikes. Heaven waits for my reaction as the curve ball is speeding towards home plate. I close my eyes and whisper I will not be afraid when I hear bad news because all things work together for the good for those who love the Lord. I remember Joseph and Daniel as I steady my hands to swing the bat. Simple choices in this moment will determine the future’s trajectory. Swing batter batter swing!

The Heart of the Matter

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, Relationships, Separation, Uncategorized

Two therapy sessions ago I was a bit panicked because I could not hear God. That meant Kathryn was doing nothing. Being in stealth mode waiting for instructions for undetermined amounts of time brings me face to face with anxiety. So we prayed, God spoke and the game of hide and seek was over.

We also prayed in my next session. What I heard made me angry and I wanted to politely ask Jesus to be quiet without fear of being struck by lightning. His words to me were Kathryn your husband is broken restore him back in love. My eyes immediately opened and I raised my voice at my therapist in protest. “This is not fair! What about me? Why do I have to keep trying when he acts like a complete jackass?” I was beyond upset, crying with no kleenex and waiting for my therapist to agree God was being unfair.

That’s not what happened. He very calmly told me I was holding on to unforgiveness and I needed to lay it down. Crying turned to sobbing, because I am hurdling offenses sometimes on a daily basis. I think I have kept going even though I have knocked down many hurdles I was unable to jump. I was asked if I was ready to pray over my own broken heart and lay it down. It was a very fast prayer because I didn’t want to hear anymore about the other party. I got the raised brow look from my therapist and I’m sure we’ll revisit this at some point.

The test came several days later. My husband just showed up because I didn’t answer the phone. I had plans for a pork festival that included beer tasting. As I stood there looking at him I knew barbecue and I would not meet up as I had planned. Apparently my facial expression was trying to communicate what my mouth wasn’t. When asked why I looked like I had a problem, I just looked at the floor. God give me strength to sacrifice southern barbecue and beer was my prayer.

He slept for hours and I sat in front of the TV. Of course I was annoyed, but I remembered my session. I referred back to my notes and I made a very hard decision. I decided to do as I was told and have dinner ready when he woke up. I wasn’t perfect in my actions, I grumbled and complained. Jesus and I were at odds, but above all else I truly desire to be in his image. It is beyond challenging! The husband woke up and I served him dinner and he left.

The emptiness you feel when nothing is returned for your giving can really mess with your mind. I was searching the bible this morning for something to hold onto today. Psalm 51 is going to have to be my lifeline for now.

Create in me a pure heart,God and make my spirit right again.Lord you really know I want to stand on a chair and punch him in the face, but someone made this phrase WWJD and I just can’t. Please help!

Give me back the joy of your salvation. Keep me strong by giving me a willing spirit.Abba here’s my own broken heart. Restore me in love as I try very hard to obey. It’s not always perfect, but please give me a pass for effort. May I never have to take this spiritual test again!

This week I have reflected on the state of my own heart and yup I have issues. Lord only knows when I will get out of therapy. God has a sense of humor though. All my devotionals for the last week have touched on difficult marital circumstances. I woke up this morning in tears because this doesn’t really feel like a marriage of any sorts and I’m just honestly burnt out. And then the devotional said the grace to keep going. Unbelievable!

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I’m just a person. This is my documented journey. I know others share in my struggles. Millions of them. So if we get to the very heart of the matter, love, the strength to accomplish everything else will eventually appear. This agape love is a mofo. Whew! I don’t understand the way God loves. I would have wiped us out a long time ago, but I’m trying and I hope I inspire someone to do the same.

I’ve been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it’s about forgiveness
Forgiveness