Category: depression

Divine Plans

by The Unconventional Life, posted in depression, Inspiration, mental health, mindfulness, Relationships, Spirituality

Zephaniah 3:17-18 – The Lord your God is with you; the mighty One will save you. He will rejoice over you. You will rest in his love; he will sing and be joyful about you. I will take away the sadness from you that would have made you very ashamed.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of my first conversation with the Haitian. A bittersweet moment. I don’t really know how to be or feel. I had started warning him our anniversary was coming up last month. It was exciting for me and a wow for both of us. In less than a year, together we had survived circumstances that had destroyed both of our marriages. Driving in the car one day watching the world through the window I said to him we survived. Later he put his arms around me in the kitchen and said, “You’re a strong woman. It takes a lot to deal with me.”

I remember waking up one morning in the beginning  and God saying, ” I need you to be with him in this season because you’re strong enough to handle what he’s about to go through.” I sat on the edge of my bed and looked at the floor. I had only one thought, why. I had just struggled through HARD. Like so hard I came through it crawling on the days that walking was impossible. Two separations had stopped me in my tracks. Days kept coming and going, but I was literally still for eight months. And then Jude. So I have this conversation with God and my whole body began to feel heavy. I thought self you really don’t want to do hard again. You can already sense the magnitude of this trial. And I just heard again you’re strong enough. I sighed and said ok I’ll honor your request of me.

And the winds picked up at such a force that I questioned the strength I supposedly had. His life was like woah. I was too scared to ask what else could happen cause it just seemed to get worse on its own. No sense in prompting the universe with questions. We would argue and he’d say you’re just going to leave me like every other person in my life. That would make me so angry. One day I just yelled back, “Where am I going?! I should’ve left by now and I’m standing here. I’m not leaving you.” That’s a hard truth for a person who needs to overcome abandonment issues. I know because he is me, we are the same. 

I read in his journal one day that both parents had died in front of him. I could feel deep grief on the page. Grief he never shared with me. Sometimes sadness would appear as tears in his eyes, but it came with no words. So I prayed. I prayed because he did things to hurt me, to test me. His actions were saying I bet you’ll leave if I do this or that. I got so tired and I said, “God what do I do with this one you gave me?” He only replied love him. Just keep loving him. Hurt people hurt others. It’s a self-protecting behavior I know all too well. It declares I will push you away because I have grown to love you and me hurting myself will hurt less than me risking you hurting me.

In my eight months of stillness everything about my spiritual life started to change. There was all of this law of attraction buzz and I was like I need to understand how this works. I’m still learning, but it didn’t make sense how he found me. He matter of factly said to me one day that I had drawn him to me. I was like how do you draw someone if you’re hiding from life on your couch. It just didn’t make sense. 

As the months passed I knew he was sent to teach me a different realm to loving. At times it made me very angry and frustrated. I’ve physically felt the weight of God’s love to the point I asked him to stop sending it before I fainted. I felt myself getting dizzier and dizzier and my only thougt was what kind of love is this. That was my gift from Jude. He has the heart of God. I’ve experienced its beauty. That’s what kept me.

In these last weeks my analytical mind has been telling me all sorts of things. Like you’re crazy. You can’t hear the voice of God. Settle for less than what you know is possible. Some days I flip and flip through the prayers and answers in my journal trying to silence the negative voices. Self-doubt has had me always seek confirmation from others for years. Even now. My journal pages say on different days Kathryn everything will be ok. Jude loves you. When anxiety would overtake me Jude would grab me and say everything will be ok. He never got tired of reassuring me, I was teaching him patience. He’d try to infuse all of the hope within himself to me.

I was standing in his kitchen when I heard God say, “Give him back to me.” Now I was like hold up abba I just got him back and now you want him back again. And I saw a vision standing there I’d had before of myself dancing. I knew that meant I wasn’t being given an option and that God would be there to again pick up the pieces. He has lessons to learn and I’d just get in the way. I have to focus on my work because it’s the stepping stone to my future. 

Anxiety. Depression. Two enemies I must defeat. This too shall pass. I wear the necklace he gave me as a reminder to not doubt the last year. He literally threw it at me. Go figure life with a Haitian.  I gave it back with a note saying this is not how to give a gift place it around my neck. He called the next day and said he wouldn’t tell me again not to return gifts a Haitian gave lol. When I saw him he put it around my neck complaining the whole time. He said, ” I must fucking love you this is a diamond.” I of course didn’t know how to respond since he seemed upset at knowing this lol. I will never forget the day he said very quietly, “You’re my best friend.” 

I recently sent him an email thanking him for gifts of laughter, love and acceptance. I’m the seer who knows the journey he is on. And no I can’t travel it with him. 

Dear universe you know what I want and I’m trying to rest in the knowledge that everything will be ok. After all it was in your divine plan for me. 

Garments of Light

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, depression, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, mental health, Relationships, Spirituality, Yoga

Blogging requires a transparency that’s not for the faint of heart. My heart seems to need life support today.

I look at my son and see my little boy, but he’s actually a rebellious 20 year old. He’s got my smile, his dad’s eyes and was the most respectful kid growing up. He never gave me much trouble and then high school happened. Friends changed and so did my son. It’s been the hardest six years and I’m exhausted today.

I had a dream my son would go so far into darkness that there would be nothing I could do to save him. It’s pitch black now and pending criminal charges have rendered me helpless. I’ve had to cling to the promise that God said he would be watching over him for the last six years. I never imagined it would get this bad.

I tend to hold onto those I love. I will do anything to keep them from suffering even if it means harm to myself. I was driving home from work the other day and Jesus asked me why I kept trying to do his job and save everyone. I said I didn’t really know, but it was making me tired. Very tired and days were becoming filled with anxiety that I couldn’t shake. He simply said let them go. So I did.

The wound is the place where light enters you. ~Rumi
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My wonderful Haitain had set in his mind that no other woman would hurt him like the one he divorced. I dreamed water was uncontrollably flooding the room we were in and I couldn’t stop it. I looked at him in the dream and he had a whole through his navel. I awoke and told him something has deeply wounded your spirit and his eyes began to fill with tears, but he said nothing. I can’t pay for sins I did not commit so I let go. My son doesn’t want to change his associations so I let go. His associations could very well land him in jail. My youngest son watches my heart get broken by others and tries very much so to encourage me.

Today I thought about light. That I would choose light and not remain in the darkness flooding my life. I’m trying to get over the hurt of another break up that I don’t understand. I have God and yoga. I have the peace that passes all understanding and an infinite love. This to shall pass.
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God has chosen you and made you his holy people. He loves you. So you should always clothe yourselves with mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.  Bear with each other, and forgive each other. If someone does wrong to you, forgive that person because the Lord forgave you.  Even more than all this, clothe yourself in love. Love is what holds you all together in perfect unity. – Colossians 3:12-14

Joy In The Morning

by The Unconventional Life, posted in depression, Hope, Inspiration, mindfulness, Relationships, Spirituality

I can say over the course of this year that I have put all my heart and soul into being grateful no matter what my circumstances.  It has not always been easy.  There have been many nights that I cried in between trying to sleep.  There have been days where I locked myself in my office because I couldn’t hold it together while at work.  I would just randomly cry.  Wanting someone to return even a small portion of love you are trying to give them and not get anything in return is so hard.  I remember telling my mom one day that I hadn’t asked for much other than time.  Spending time with me was something I had begged for, but really never received.  Even after making that my number one item on our new marriage contracts I still didn’t get it.

You eventually just feel this blackness start to overtake you.  You fight like hell to not get lost in this blackness, but it just becomes so hard.  I looked up and had nothing but ashes.  I didn’t understand why really.  I just knew that I had again lost myself trying to jump through every hoop to make him happy.  For months I’ve just worked on me and accepting my new life.  I tried on words like separation and divorce like new clothes.  If they didn’t fit that day I didn’t force it.  I had to look in the mirror and say out loud I choose not to love you because you choose not to love me.  I had to remind myself that I was loveable.  God sent people that wanted to physically shake me to ask Kathryn can you see yourself?  Can you see your worth?  I would just look at them and nod in agreement.

I’ve spent months with the puppy.  Months and months.  I didn’t complain.  I just chose to be grateful.  If a human didn’t want to spend time with me Bruno did.  This was my life.  Then the axis shifted an eclipse occurred and I emerged into this newness.

Psalm 30:5 ~ ….Crying may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning.

I’ve not had any expectations for meeting anyone new.  I was just trying to master living.  I was trying to find happiness in any circumstance.  I was practicing yoga on and off the mat.  Out of nowhere what I had begged for for years was given to me within a matter of days.  Someone who was so happy to spend all of his free time with me.  Honestly I wanted to run far and fast.  It’s been scary.  I keep asking myself is this really happening.  Does he really like doing things that are important to me.  He even loves Bruno!  It’s like I’m in some sort of dream that I keep expecting to wake up from.  I expected him to go as quickly as he came and I said self just be grateful that yesterday happened.  Then came another day and another and another.  The days have yet to end.

This week he’s shared in two things that I really love doing.  Things that have brought me peace during the worst days.  Hiking and my spiritual journaling class.  Today I woke up with an overflowing heart.  I realized I had a squad!  I have supportive people surrounding me saying Kathryn be happy you deserve happiness.

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Hiking Humpback Rock in Waynesboro.

Yesterday I hiked a mountain.  I cursed all the way up the mountain LOL and he was right by my side with water for breaks and a supportive hand or words.  He lead when I needed him to lead.  He stopped if I couldn’t breathe and he made sure I made it to the top.  We made it to the top together with some friends that I’ve been blessed to come into my life.  They all helped me make it to the top.  I drove into work crying today because I remember what happy feels like.  I could only say thank you Jesus.  I’ve been trying to find better words all day today, but that’s all I got.  Thank you for blessing me.

Anxiety set in because who actually has this happen to them? Surely not me!  He’s even foreign and chocolate!  Like seriously where does this happen?  This song resides in my heart and spirit today.  Jesus you are so good to me!  I don’t know what tomorrow may bring, but I thank you for the break in the clouds.

Tea and Gumbo

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, depression, Hope, Inspiration, Spirituality

On August 24, 2015 I walked into a room of teaching artists. I was attending a poetry workshop taught by Glenis Redmond. I wish all Mondays started like this! She had sprayed the room with rose water. Artists are eccentric so I noticed colors, jewelry,  clothing, voice tones, presence. You name it I noticed it. I was on sensory overload and it was heaven!

I have been trying to live with great effort, but felt very dead in my job. I am a creative and most definitely in the minority. I’m most often misunderstood and perceived as too emotional.  I would describe the work environment as rigid and toxic. It is very hard to function in these working conditions as a creative. Sometimes I literally can’t think.

So I prayed. Dear God please rescue me from this horrible place. Am I finished laying the foundation?  Why do I have to be on lock down if I feel like I’m spiritually dying?! Let me out of here before I lose it. Reorganization has people tripping. Do you see this mess?! So on and so forth. It is ok if you do not pray what are considered to be normal prayers. It’s like there is a heavenly translator if you’re like me. Perhaps they even bleep out cuss words lol.

Several months ago God had told me to strengthen the foundation. It’s very hard when your job is literally a spiritual assignment and you’re working for people that don’t know the purpose of you being there. Many may not even care. I walk public housing communities five days a week. That’s a heavy weight. Despair, poverty, lack of education,  bad parenting,  addiction among so many other negative things invade my world five days a week. Sometimes more if we have events. Sometimes I don’t know which problem to work on and I just sit at my desk looking out the window at people I want to scream at. What the hell is your problem? Where the hell is Iyanla? Jesus help me it’s too much? I feel overwhelmed.  I feel dead. It’s hard to breathe.

I watched a NPR video with my boss that showed an English teacher using rap to teach his class. That was like someone giving me CPR. I said self you can do that with poetry. My speech is to proper for rap lol. My team is designing an after school program that will focus on math and literature. It occurred to me that creativity had to be the main component in designing the program.

And then there was the best two days of my year with some amazing people! Day one began with being introduced to praise poetry. Glenis said Nigerians were the chief scribes of this west African poetry. I sat up straight in my chair and perked up like my puppy does when he’s listening closely for something.  “Lord did you hear her say Nigerian? What is about to happen?” She then explained she had traced herself back to Nigeria and Cameroon. I raised my hand and explained I had gone to Nigeria and gotten married and found it interesting that I was now about to learn their poetry. She said, “you are here for spiritual reasons also.” I knew she was right.

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With teaching artists and Glenis Redmond

I soaked in every moment like a sponge. My breaths expanding. Becoming aware of my heart beating.  Being allowed to feel anything I wished and share that with others. It was so great not to have an unfair expectation of being a robot as a burden! We read, wrote, shared and cried over and over. It was liberating! I was allowed to create with no boundaries.

I woke up the next day praying. God why did you allow this awesome woman to invade my space?

Kathryn you needed confirmation and I sent her to confirm your identity. There is nothing wrong with you. Not even your marriage choice. You are ok.

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Selfie with Glenis Redmond

At the end of day two several of us thanked Glenis for bringing us back to life. We were literally the walking dead. Even now tears spill from my eyes as gratitude for this experience fills my heart. I now have an artist statement,  praise poem and a literacy activity schedule. I am ready to help kids on our properties!

Yesterday I found a scripture about comfort. I told Glenis I would blog my experience as soon as I found the scripture to complete it. This blog is my open book to those in the universe that would care to read it. I can’t put into words how awesome my father is. He is more than God to me he is Abba. He ambushed me with the most wonderful two days that erased weeks of twilight zone funk.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 – All praise to God the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.

May my words bring you comfort and peace. Creativity is the way out of captivity.  Use your right brain and visualize a better outcome. Perhaps you too will be ambushed.

Thriving in the Desert

by The Unconventional Life, posted in depression, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, Relationships, Separation, Spirituality

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A couple of mornings back I decided to stop and start my day journaling. I’m always yapping with God, but often do not take time to sit still and listen for answers or instructions.

My thoughts fell on the last six months of my life and I realized I’m thriving. I sat and began to say things that were prospering in the midst of personal turmoil. Two separations back to back can destroy even the strongest of warriors. Putting all your hope and love into someone and a marriage that crumbles back to back is hard to recover from. As I realized that most often die in a desert experience, gratitude filled my heart and tears began to flow down my cheeks. Death can come in many forms: unforgiveness, bitterness, anger, the need for revenge, depression and the list could go on and on.

The flip side of that for me is saying this is my life situation. I am not the cause of it. I am entitled to learn something to grow me as a human that will inspire someone else. I have the right to get up and live.

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With public housing kids at National Night Out

My thriving list:
1. There is laughter, love and peace flowing through my home. Everyone is experiencing a personal struggle, but my kids and I have these things to be grateful for.
2. Bruno is always happy to see me.
3. The works of my hands are blessed! I pray this prayer at my desk sometimes, God bless the works of my hands. I feel like King Midas at work right now lol.
4. I got accepted into a program to teach fitness classes. Training is kicking my butt, but I’m focused on those that don’t have access to fitness and how I can help them. I will soon be giving free classes to public housing residents! I get to share my story of battling depression with fitness.
5. My bills are paid and we have shelter and food. Amen!
6. God pours his love into my life even when I’m not thinking about it.
7. I’m not depressed. Loneliness creeps up on me some days. I am very grateful for Bruno’s puppy kisses at those times lol.
8. I am inspiring others. Whoa really! I wonder about these people lol, but I’m thankful to be a living testimony.

This is just a small list. I hope if you find yourself reading this in a desert experience you will make your own list. You may not have perfect circumstances. I definitely don’t. I’ve again lost my best friend. Sometimes life knocks you flat on your ass like that. However, if you’re reading this you’re alive so get up and live. Even if you have to do so in small time increments. I used to plan years ahead, but I literally at one point had to take myself down to one hour at a time.

Psalm 71:20-21- You have allowed me to suffer much hardship, but you will restore me to life again and lift me up from the depths of the earth. You will restore me to even greater honor and comfort me once again.

May we grow through adversity and rise like mountains. Amen

Arsenal Weapons

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, depression, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, Relationships, Separation, Spirituality

I recently attended a, seminar at my church, Fighting Back With Joy, by author Margaret Feinberg. Joy was not even on my radar, but I just felt like I should go. My whole thought process has been focused on gratitude. I’ve been trying so hard to make this an every day component of my life even if all I write down every day is the dog and my two sons. Armies don’t go into battle with one type of weapon though. That would be insane! There are more weapons! Not discounting gratitude of course, I think it has added another dimension of peace to my life. But then there’s the epic battle with depression, you need joy to fight great sadness.

Galatians 5:22-23 – But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control. There is no law against these things.

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I went to the seminar alone. I don’t have friends to call up and say hey wanna hang out. I think the drama of a bad marriage caused me to lose the ones I had. It’s really hard listening to a person’s suffering on a daily basis. I tried not to be Debbie Downer, but you have friends to vent to right? I most definitely should have used my imagination to give conversational details about my every day life. I miss one friend a hell of a lot, she always made me laugh and she had a cat that I would go pet for eternity on really bad days. So what do you do when you lose your very limited quantity of friends? You pray for new ones that will be able to relate to your circumstances, otherwise everyone will keep dropping you like a bad habit.

I have met three women recently who can relate. I met the newest one at the church event. She was on a pursuit for joy. She shared her story, which was worse than my own, with a smile. I must say she was a beautiful soul and I was thankful that God was still answering my prayer. Even for something as small as having someone to enjoy breaks with for the evening.

I learned some very important things about how to fight with joy. The author was diagnosed with cancer and she shared how she had researched joy for an entire year, because that was her weapon to fight cancer. She was a great comedian! There was so much laughter during her presentation. Laughter feels so much better than crying.

So how do you load, aim and shoot joy at what knocks the breath out of you?

1. Poke holes in the darkness with laughter. Overcome despair and doubt with gratitude. Draw a line in your life and surround yourself with nontoxic people. So you may get kicked to the curb like I did if others in your life are doing this lol. Don’t take it personal!
Proverbs 17:22 ~ A cheerful heart is good medicine.

2. Remain suspicious God is up to something good.
Genesis 50:20 ~ You meant to hurt me, but God turned your evil into good to save the lives of many people, which is being done now.

I blog to purge my heart and soul of the tremendous amount of pain weighing me down. I need to be set free. We all know the divorce rate in this country is extremely high. That was one reason I chose to fly across an ocean and marry into a culture where divorce is pretty much not an option. I have no clue what my husband’s problem is, but it required me to shift my focus. It required me to say Lord what are you trying to teach me through this horrible experience? If I hadn’t been mistreated I wouldn’t have gone in search of the depths of God’s love. I was only experiencing surface love prior to all this marriage hell. Jesus showed up one day with an empty present and he gave it to me. He told me to put all the pain in the empty box so he could exchange it with his love. He said that was his primary purpose in my life. When I handed the box back, he began to send waves one at a time of his love. I was only able to physically withstand seven waves. I felt I was about to faint right in the therapist’s office. All I could ask is what kind of love is this? It’s too much. He took my pain that day and walked away with it. I have not been the same since. It is impossible to remain the same after such an experience.

3. Help others fight back with joy.
Be compassionate. Suffer with someone.
Be calm. Broken people don’t need you to fix them.
Be constructive. Ask them what they need.
Be consistent. Commit to be there for the long haul.
Be confessional. Ask God how to pray.

Our last act that evening was to release red balloons into the air to shift our focus from our problems up to God. I must confess at times I go back and forth with this. I’m determined to keep getting up after every fall until I learn to quit taking my problems back after prayer. I know my prayers are being heard. Oh the struggles of becoming a reformed control freak lol.

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Red balloons were the symbol of joy for the author.

So what weapons did you go into battle with? Anger, fear, depression, loneliness, despair. Trust me those weapons are useless. They will leave you crippled. The fruits of the Spirit are so much more effective. It’s like learning to operate at a Navy seal level versus that of a private. We all know that training is really going to kick your ass on a daily. But you come through it with things you didn’t even know you had.

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Buying Margaret's book. Don't we look joyful?!

My last sentence is borrowed from another author. Choose your weapons wisely and follow the divine instructions and I’ll see you on the other side.

God whispers to us in our pleasures, but he shouts to us in our pain. ~ C.S. Lewis

TKIT2GOD

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, depression, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, mental health, Relationships, Separation, Spirituality

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My friend said my life is like a Tyler Perry movie.  I must say I think he’s right because you can’t even make up the stuff that happens to me. In spite of it all I chose to smile today. I took the dog that my husband walked out on for two walks. I did yard work and some yoga. Most importantly I prayed.

There are a few people in my life that are sticking with me through the craziness.  I love and appreciate them so much! Today’s events were borderline crazy as far as marriage drama. What’s done in the dark always comes to light.

Yesterday the Holy Spirit told me I would see my husband at the library. Today it happened. I must again reflect on God’s love for me even through the pure hell I’m going through I know this love.  My husband doesn’t want me to know his address. I also endured this during the first separation.  I cried for weeks driving up and down streets of multiple cities,  but God kept me. He kept me from completely falling apart.

I watched my husband drive away with my staff through library windows. I’ll spare the Internet the crazy details.  I decided to drive to my office rather than drive up and down streets. I pulled up behind a car with a license plate of TKIT2GOD.  Take it to God. I just began to laugh. God is trying so hard to move me beyond worrying.  I think I’ll just free fall into grace and peace.

I started my day with prayer and exercise. I felt myself coming out of the fog of depression that overshadows me. It changed my day.

There is a song by Kurt Carr called God Kept Me. It’s my testimony. Joy is sometimes so very hard to find, which makes it even more precious.

So I’m here today because he kept me. I’m alive today only because of his grace. God kept me. He kept me. God’s mercy held me close so I wouldn’t let go.

May the joy of the Lord be my strength and yours in abundance.  Amen

What Hurts The Most

by The Unconventional Life, posted in depression, Marriage, Separation, Spirituality

It’s been almost two weeks since my first therapy session after the second separation. I scheduled the session because of feeling consuming rage. It was constant and in direct conflict with my yoga practice and spiritual beliefs, which have love at the center of actions. Breaking car windows and spray painting liar/cheater was what I wanted to do. I wanted to set his belongings he left behind on fire in the front yard. My mother kept pleading with me not to do things that would land me in jail. I conceded she was right, but I couldn’t shift the anger out of my spirit with scriptures or asanas.

So there I sat on the couch over looking the lake again wondering how the whole person I had become months earlier was now this shattered being. I remembered what whole felt like; good, peaceful, happy. My present was total despair. Why had my husband even bothered to come back to do the same thing to me all over again?

As I sat sipping ginger tea overlooking the lake my therapist said rage is caused by hurt. He gave me a moment before asking what was causing the hurt. I didn’t have an answer and we agreed to pray about it in the next session.
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Abandonment hurts like hell. Your husband demanding that you remain faithful while he dates and takes late night calls and texts hurts like hell. When you’re called a murderer because you had a miscarriage that hurts like hell. When you’re told that his spiritual mentor has told him something remarkable and it compares you to the stench of a dead, rotten seed that hurts like hell. Every other pastor I come into contact with calls me a gift and daughter of God.

I had asked for quality time and support, small things, and never received them. I really shouldn’t have been blindsided. I was standing right in front of his face when he told her he’d call her back. I was shifting in the bed as he answered the middle of the night IMs . “It’s from Africa,” he said. I watched him iron clothes hours before he was to meet her, but he only took minutes to prepare for our anniversary dinner.

What hurts the most? Shame. Shame hurts like hell. I have two sons watching me go through this. It’s embarrassing to be treated this way in front of them. My entire family knows my husband left again. They are trying to very politely say we told you so. We told you he was just using you. Everything negative, we told you so. “Move on Kathryn. You’re pretty and smart. What is wrong with you?”

I don’t really know. I think the solemnity of vows has something to do with it. I keep apologizing to God for having to break a promise. Promises mean something to me.

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If I were a boy…..songs can really express pieces of feelings you’re trying to connect. I married a manipulator who never takes responsibility for his actions. Colleagues that have taken the time to pray for me ask me why did I tolerate emotional abuse. I don’t know really. I just loved my husband, but he will accuse me of never having done so. Even now as I sit listening to a snoring puppy that he abandoned me with. He will say I added no value to his life, that he wasted nine years.

Everything hurts. A broken marriage, my oldest son’s rebellion, being overworked. I feel like everyone is always demanding something of me, but very seldom do I get anything in return.

I went to church last weekend looking for Jesus. It was a desperate search. Even if he didn’t say anything profound I just needed to know he hadn’t abandoned me too since I had sacrificed our relationship trying to be one with my husband. There is a reason to heed the warning of being unequally yoked. You eventually lose yourself and your identity. But God. He did have a word for me through his prophets that evening. It was not what I expected.

Isaiah 61:1-3 is my hope right now. God gives beauty for ashes and the oil of joy for mourning. May he comfort all those who weep from broken hearts.
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My Grown Up Sorrows

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, depression, Inspiration, Relationships, Spirituality

 

See what this sorrow—the sorrow God wanted you to have—has done to you: It has made you very serious. It made you want to restore yourselves. – 2 Corinthians 7:11

I can’t remember the last time I tried to form sentences to compose a blog. My job has been like an all consuming inferno. It feels like I’m battling a wildfire with a single hose sometimes. In addition families have assigned roles and responsibilities.

For about the last month or so it has been tense and stressful. I felt like
I had no place to rest other than the yoga studio. It was very challenging to feel this way and have no one notice that I was struggling so much. I literally had a brief meltdown at a stop light. It’s not cool to do this because other drivers are likely to notice. I was simply overwhelmed with the thought of having to give everyone in my life too much of myself and when I compared what I was getting in return it just shattered something in me.

Givers are often taken advantage of. Givers neglect themselves because someone will always need something. I can easily find myself existing on fumes because not only am I a giver, but I am an introvert. Introverts need time to themselves to replenish what they give out. Not taking this time leads to very serious problems. I know better, but there was no time for me or my needs. There was no time for prayer or worship. No time for exercise or yoga. Do you know exercise can have drastic positive effects for depression? I do. That was my 2013 – 2014 truth. My biggest sorrow though is extreme business causes me to neglect my relationship with God.

It’s not that he forgets about me. I’m the one who generally neglects the relationship. Then I freak out if I can’t hear his voice. I don’t know about me sometimes.

Marriage got a little hard, but we navigated out of choppy waters. I’m beginning to wonder if we just need occasional drama. Possible side effect of dysfunction as a normality.

I had to do something cause sleeping on couch rotations get old quick. I had to restore my own vessel rather than remaining empty. I had to go crawling back to God with one more I’m sorry I haven’t spoken to you in weeks please help me speeches. It’s likely not my last so don’t judge me. As I began to sing in worship I felt God hold my hands. It had been awhile and I just began to weep because he never forgets about me. I took a few minutes to pray. I did yoga and a workout. I found a way to balance my scales.

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On my all about me day

This is a serious battle for me, but I must win. My well being depends on this victory. I can’t give to others if I myself am empty.

Today is my birthday and I spent most of it in quiet reflection.

I stumbled across a really cool quote that resonated with me. The people in my life are not likely to change, but I can change myself. I can find greatness in my every day life. Isn’t that what makes it unconventional? Be good to yourselves always. There is only one you.

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Cracked Vessels

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, depression, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Relationships, Separation

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I have two options for Wednesdays. Writer’s group or yoga class. Each group serves a different need to connect with others. Even if I sit quietly as introverts do, I find short reprieves that make me very grateful.

It’s the third day of picking myself up and trying again. I know Jesus has all my pieces in his hands. I know eventually it will be ok. There are some helping now with the pieces. Most go. Hoping for those who will see a reason to stay.