This month, I was very intententional about experiencing Black arts and culture for Black History Month. With only a few days left of February, I must admit to being wiped out from acting like an extrovert all month 🤣. Today, I quietly sat in my divination space, trying to improve my bullet journaling skills. A much need introvert recharge!
My February arts experiences included:
– Plunky and Oneness concert
– The Colored Museum play
– African American Read In
– Current documentary screening and talk
– Afrikana Film Festival screening of Origins
– Kadencia Afro Puertican concert
My monthly tarot energy was the judgment card. Judgment can represent an epiphany, rebirth and new opportunities. I had this realization that life was just passing me by. My days consist of a lot of work and not much else. I realized it was time to make some major life changes. This will require me to close some doors on people and situations that no longer serve my highest good. I have been in limbo for too long and it’s time to move forward. I don’t exactly know where this road is going, but I have to trust things will work out for the best.
I managed to take a few days off for my birthday. I normally plan a solo trip that includes a flight to somewhere, but this year I spent my birthday with my sisters and mom. It was a great birthday! We went to an open mic night and Cuban restaurant that had great food and dancing. I’m still hoping to do a trip to Cartagena this year. I love solo trips!
With my mom and sisterWith momSisters 😁
I also had been in dating app hell and had given myself an exit deadline. I’m happy to say I’m free! I’m looking for something the apps don’t have and I’m ok with that. Not to say a wonderful surprise didn’t show up. Well more like a manifestation, but I’m observing and going with the flow. I don’t find myself worrying about the future. I’m truly happy with the present moment which is a great accomplishment for someone with control issues that likes detailed long-term plans lol. My astrologer said I’m welcoming joy back into my life.
I know March will require me to make major changes. I’ve been working to gather that insane level of faith that results in miracles. I’ve had enough miracles to know to trust my intuition. Life is never boring lol!
Are you experiencing an epiphany or a fresh start? I’d love to hear about it! I hope you are also running after lovely days. It could be something small as lunch with a friend or as big as traveling to somewhere you’ve never been. Fill a journal with these memories and give it to yourself as a gift.
It’s been slightly over a year since my last blog. 2023 was beyond hard and I always try to find something inspirational to include in my writing here. Although I would’ve gladly chosen death last year over heartbreak here I am. Blame it on my dog.
Bruno makes life better!
Last year I wondered if it were harder to grieve someone who died versus someone who was alive. I still don’t know the answer. I tried to focus on what I was supposed to learn. I worked very closely with my shaman and other energy healers. Towards the end of the year I started EMDR therapy. I decided it was time for life to have a new narrative as far as my relationships.
We had to start with my critical need for safety, and I realized I had been in fight or flight since I was around seven. That was a serious revelation to process. I learned to cross my arms and tap my shoulders to bring my nervous system out of panic mode. Through shamanic healings, I learned my narrative needed to change from trying to save others from themselves so they would love me correctly. I had to watch people I loved more than anything self-destruct and do nothing. My need to control everything was tested way beyond my comfort zone. Magnesium and ashwaganda were my lifeline. I had to learn I can only control myself.
You attract what you are. You repel what you arenot. Everything is energy.
I’m infatuated with Sufi mystics, Rumi is my favorite. I was looking for something to bring in a better year and of course Rumi had the most amazing quote.
2024 Theme
2023 was full of tears and anxiety, but this year I will intentionally walk towards lovely days. I made a bullet journal to document these special moments. January has been filled with lovely days. Dates with my friends, writing submissions for publication, completing my first artist fellowship and returning to a regular yoga practice just to name a few. Lovely days can have small blessings or huge miracles. You are the author of your story. You are the alchemist that can manifest your vision.
As they say, sometimes life does the most and you just have to persevere. Doors close, windows open. Maybe time heals all. Maybe it doesn’t. In shamanism, there are multiple destiny lines and soul contracts. I hope you know you’re worth the highest destiny line. Even if it comes with plot twists and turns that put you in a level of darkness you’ve never experienced. I hope you chase it with blind faith! I pray that someone is brave enough to love you just as much as you love them for a complete lifetime.
Thanks for following my blog and I’m sorry for the long absence! I hope you will share in my year of intentional lovely days! May you be well. May you be whole. May you be loved.
Where do you find home when you’ve searched most of your life for belonging? I have not found home in square or rectangular structures built by men with plans. I have found home in being a cypress tree in my dreams. Tall and strong with roots anchored deep into Mother Earth and branches growing towards the bluest sky.
Go home America says if you’re black, brown or any color other than white. My body traveled to the mother land, Nigeria to be exact. I walked out of the Lagos airport and saw the same shade of black among so many people. It was as if I was sifting the darkest coffee roast with my eyes instead of my hands. I wondered how I would find the man I flew thousands of miles to marry with no hue variation in people. Panic, awe and intrigue went through me all at the same time. Panic finally said, “Crazy girl you’ve done it now! Your ass did not think about everyone being Black and your phone not working across the Atlantic. What if his ass doesn’t show up to marry you?” I then looked up from my phone to see him walking towards me smiling. I breathed a sigh of relief. I saw blackness everywhere amongst strange foods and bright, patterned fabrics. We tried to find home in each other. We tried to forget we were running from the hurt of others as we exchanged vows and rode motorcycles. I tried to wash the heat of the land off me multiple times daily but had not packed enough clothes for so many showers. Perhaps that’s why the television shows I remember about Africa had half-naked people with painted faces. I would rather have been naked with tribal face paint standing in the ocean with blue green waves crashing around me.
We lived in my American house, but like I said, I never found home in structures created by men. When he left, I found home in an esoteric pull to mystic things. I was not scared because I’ve had the gift of sight into the supernatural since I was a child. Ancestors, spirit guides and spirit animals greeted and welcomed me home to my authentic self. My mother watched this journey and remembered my baptism as a baby in the spiritualist church. I always laugh as she tells me I was aunt Helen’s child as she stood at the altar with Reverend Hester. My mother sat in the back frozen with fear as objects began to float in air during the baptism. My mom is afraid of everything and we call her chicken little. I am awaiting the right time to visit the spiritualist people. My intuition tells me I know how to do their magic. Their founder shared my birthday and loved the woods like me. Reading his biography with my aunt was eerie.
I have a favorite meditation, come home to your authentic self. I think I find home in the evolution of me. My vertebrae merge African and Native American spiritual practices in my body. I left churches for bodies of water and campfires. I know the Cherokee heart song and have been jolted once by some electric force during a shamanic journey. African shamans are initiated by lightning strikes. My shaman says, “Kathryn you have the mojo you don’t need me.” I think she’s the training wheels to my current bicycle ride.
Home is healing with emerald energy placed at heart center. It’s waking up to Mexican curls on the pillow beside me and the sound of Telemundo echoing through the house. It’s Home Depot runs on Sunday because the Mexican is the one that builds structures I never found home in. Although when I go into the basement he renovated I turn in circles thinking to myself this is now home. I wonder about us. I haven’t told him his spirit leaves his body and tells me how much he loves me. He is afraid of this love. I wonder about us, soulmates with the 222 energy circling us. I watch him in the garden through windows. Keep the faith Kat and come home to your authentic self. Whoever she may be I’m sure she’ll be strangely magnificent.
It has been 12 months of heaviness like standing beneath an avalanche that suddenly falls from the highest peak. Preceded by six years of turmoil. Heaviness came to rest here.
I’ve been crying Abba have mercy on me. Everything is too much. As I was praying Jesus appeared in a vision with an overflowing basket of fruit. All kinds of fruit and he gave it to me. The second basket he gave to me was overflowing with red grapes and a vineyard appeared. I ran free in a white dress. I felt freedom. Freedom from burdens. Freedom from sadness. Freedom from anxiety. Freedom from despair. And I ran not once looking back.
Hand mudra for hope.
Recently I took a yin class that focused on hope. Tonight a woman named Hope prayed for me. The significance being most days I’m questioning am I going to make it because of the hopelessness I feel. I’ve learned to pay attention to small details.
I understood that the vineyard meant to read John 15. I understood that John 15 meant to rest in Jesus. There is very little rest or peace these days. Hope prayed that peace would stay with me.
Today I felt disconnected and isolated. I felt heavy. Then I thought why am I carrying these burdens given to me by other people. Situations that my own actions didn’t cause I’ve been carrying on my slumped shoulders. I’m exhausted.
“Storms make trees take deeper roots.” ~ Dolly Parton
Branches are connected to the vine. They must remain connected to live and produce fruit. Occasionally they are pruned. My decisions could use some pruning. No longer will I allow people to project negative statements over me. I won’t unfairly carry other’s problems. I won’t exhaust myself finding solutions to everything and I will no longer suffer from anxiety due to people’s choices.
John 15:11 – I have told you these things so that you can have the same joy I have and so that your joy will be the fullest possible joy.
My word today was overboard. Anything or anyone that does not add to my life got thrown off my virtual boat. I. Let. Go.
I know I’m somewhere in between faith and anxiety. Like the needle in a half full tank of gas. Trust and faith are definitely obstacles I’ve been trying to get beyond for quite a long time. As I was thinking about my struggle it occurred to me I link God to the actions of people. Someone hurts me I link it to God. Someone disappoints me I link it to God. I pondered why I was doing this, but couldn’t really determine the reason. I concluded that this was a behavior that needed to change since it wasn’t making much sense to me.
In May I had to break up with the Haitian. Loving someone doesn’t mean giving them permission to mistreat you. May was a very long month! Tons of anxiety. Tons of prayer. Days of crying. As I was fleeing to yoga class the day after the break up, one of those random license plate moments occurred. Gud4you pulled right in front of me. I couldn’t even believe it. I was like Jesus I’m down here about to lose it and you’ve got jokes today, not cool.
I was basically on autopilot for a month missing the Haitian. I am mindful when anxiety is in overdrive I can really be a handful to deal with for those around me. Thankfully I had people who were very patient with me.
There was one day where I got up and immediately layed on the floor crying. Wailing would be a better description. The ache of missing that person was unbearable. Remembering so many fun times was unbearable. So I just kept crying asking God why he gave me someone to take them away so quickly. See there’s that linking behavior of mine. So if you’ve never gotten on God’s nerves as I frequently do try to remain that way. I very clearly heard him first ask me why I was crying so much. Secondly he reminded me on April 1st that he warned me the Haitian would act crazy for about 60 days or so. Third, he said he hadn’t taken anything and to get off the floor and stop crying. Of course I managed to sit against the wall with more of a muffling whimper after hearing an exasperated tone of voice. All the while still trying to free myself from panic attacks.
God gave me psalm 143 and I prayed it every morning. He told me to write miracles would happen on my calendar for the month of June. I received four by the last day of June.
Haitian returns.
Son gets misdemeanors not felonies.
Haitian sees his son.
Unexpected financial blessing.
Matthew 21:22 – Believe you will receive everything you ask for in prayer.
We were doing awesome and I was cautiously happy. He hugged me one day and said, “Baby I’m doing the best I can.” I replied, “I know that’s why you give me anxiety.”
It’s July and our crazy cycle continues. We’re not speaking right now, but love flows. I can feel it. I had my chakras balanced for the first time a couple of days ago. Crazy equals low energy for me. After my session I was told everything would be ok. Indeed he promised me it would with teary eyes. So I pray for him and myself to get it right. He said the other day I stop, he stops, but the time around us keeps us moving forward together. May everything merge into divine harmony soon.
I prayed John 15:7 this morning fully believing my last name will be Thermitus in 2017 just like we planned. He loves me especially different and I’m totally crazy about the guy who fries me octopus in swimming trunks.
Blogging requires a transparency that’s not for the faint of heart. My heart seems to need life support today.
I look at my son and see my little boy, but he’s actually a rebellious 20 year old. He’s got my smile, his dad’s eyes and was the most respectful kid growing up. He never gave me much trouble and then high school happened. Friends changed and so did my son. It’s been the hardest six years and I’m exhausted today.
I had a dream my son would go so far into darkness that there would be nothing I could do to save him. It’s pitch black now and pending criminal charges have rendered me helpless. I’ve had to cling to the promise that God said he would be watching over him for the last six years. I never imagined it would get this bad.
I tend to hold onto those I love. I will do anything to keep them from suffering even if it means harm to myself. I was driving home from work the other day and Jesus asked me why I kept trying to do his job and save everyone. I said I didn’t really know, but it was making me tired. Very tired and days were becoming filled with anxiety that I couldn’t shake. He simply said let them go. So I did.
The wound is the place where light enters you. ~Rumi
My wonderful Haitain had set in his mind that no other woman would hurt him like the one he divorced. I dreamed water was uncontrollably flooding the room we were in and I couldn’t stop it. I looked at him in the dream and he had a whole through his navel. I awoke and told him something has deeply wounded your spirit and his eyes began to fill with tears, but he said nothing. I can’t pay for sins I did not commit so I let go. My son doesn’t want to change his associations so I let go. His associations could very well land him in jail. My youngest son watches my heart get broken by others and tries very much so to encourage me.
Today I thought about light. That I would choose light and not remain in the darkness flooding my life. I’m trying to get over the hurt of another break up that I don’t understand. I have God and yoga. I have the peace that passes all understanding and an infinite love. This to shall pass.
God has chosen you and made you his holy people. He loves you. So you should always clothe yourselves with mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other, and forgive each other. If someone does wrong to you, forgive that person because the Lord forgave you. Even more than all this, clothe yourself in love. Love is what holds you all together in perfect unity. – Colossians 3:12-14
Each morning like millions of others I’m on social media. I can’t seem to break the habit of starting my day like this. I have been trying for some time to begin my day with prayer, meditation or exercise. It most always starts with Facebook followed by Instagram.
This morning I wandered over to Pinterest and searched scriptures for hope. I have a board called inspiration.
I pinned this to my board this morning. The struggle is very real with doubt for me. It makes it very hard to trust my decisions because I’m always second guessing everything. This can cause me to start spinning out of control in anxiety.
Recently I dreamed my husband came to me and told me he was sorry. He was hugging me in that dream and I could literally feel his embrace. I woke up extremely rattled because I haven’t touched him in months. I being who I am wanted a microscopic analysis of this occurrance. Jesus what does this mean? I heard nothing so doubt kicked in with all its negative voices. He’s not sorry. You’re crazy. When are you going to do something? Blah blah blah. I could not get to the soaking prayer service fast enough! I went in like a spy trying to determine who could help settle my mind. We were instructed to ask God to give us a vision beyond the door. I prayed to see beyond the door.
I then saw Jesus open a door. I was afraid to go beyond the door. Not knowing what was waiting for me I froze in fear. As I stood in the doorway a brick path appeared and we began to walk. I’m trying to remain calm and not freak out because my questions were about being married. Trees began to appear everywhere and the brick path went down the middle.
The trees you see represent an abundance of life. You have been holding on for so long. Even at times clinging to hope. I am opening the door to an abundant life. A beautiful life. A joyous life. A plentiful life.
I have you on the path to freedom not only for yourself, but I am calling you to set the captives free. Set them free Kathryn with your words. Use your words. The power of life and death is in the tongue. Give the captives life.
I did not doubt the voice of God. I did not doubt his presence.
On Sunday I went to the altar for prayer. Ironically the sermon had been on marriage, which went along with a book on marriage I’m reading. I confessed to the woman praying for me that my marriage was in ashes and I was tired of clinging to hope. She prayed as I stood in betwixt doubt and hope. Just that Friday I had decided to give up hoping, so I found this sermon very ironic. I hadn’t been to church in weeks and the Sunday I go the sermon is on marriage. Note, if it’s ironic, a little weird, perhaps even insane by your standards it’s likely a God thing.
James 1 speaks very clearly on doubt. Expect to receive nothing because doubtful persons are unstable in everything. I’m really trying to use this second marriage crisis to grow even more as an individual. I’ve recently started parenting classes. I’m reading Love and Respect. I seriously failed in the respect area, but realize my behavior was tied to the lack of love I was receiving. I realize all the damage my sometimes harsh criticism has caused to my family because I felt unloved. I don’t completely blame myself for this horrible mess, but do accept responsibility for my actions.
So here I stand not knowing what the future holds, but knowing that God is merciful and his grace covers all my mistakes. Knowing that I can be a better person. I can find rest in hope. After all trouble don’t last always. Never give up on yourself or your dreams!
A couple of mornings back I decided to stop and start my day journaling. I’m always yapping with God, but often do not take time to sit still and listen for answers or instructions.
My thoughts fell on the last six months of my life and I realized I’m thriving. I sat and began to say things that were prospering in the midst of personal turmoil. Two separations back to back can destroy even the strongest of warriors. Putting all your hope and love into someone and a marriage that crumbles back to back is hard to recover from. As I realized that most often die in a desert experience, gratitude filled my heart and tears began to flow down my cheeks. Death can come in many forms: unforgiveness, bitterness, anger, the need for revenge, depression and the list could go on and on.
The flip side of that for me is saying this is my life situation. I am not the cause of it. I am entitled to learn something to grow me as a human that will inspire someone else. I have the right to get up and live. With public housing kids at National Night Out
My thriving list:
1. There is laughter, love and peace flowing through my home. Everyone is experiencing a personal struggle, but my kids and I have these things to be grateful for.
2. Bruno is always happy to see me.
3. The works of my hands are blessed! I pray this prayer at my desk sometimes, God bless the works of my hands. I feel like King Midas at work right now lol.
4. I got accepted into a program to teach fitness classes. Training is kicking my butt, but I’m focused on those that don’t have access to fitness and how I can help them. I will soon be giving free classes to public housing residents! I get to share my story of battling depression with fitness.
5. My bills are paid and we have shelter and food. Amen!
6. God pours his love into my life even when I’m not thinking about it.
7. I’m not depressed. Loneliness creeps up on me some days. I am very grateful for Bruno’s puppy kisses at those times lol.
8. I am inspiring others. Whoa really! I wonder about these people lol, but I’m thankful to be a living testimony.
This is just a small list. I hope if you find yourself reading this in a desert experience you will make your own list. You may not have perfect circumstances. I definitely don’t. I’ve again lost my best friend. Sometimes life knocks you flat on your ass like that. However, if you’re reading this you’re alive so get up and live. Even if you have to do so in small time increments. I used to plan years ahead, but I literally at one point had to take myself down to one hour at a time.
Psalm 71:20-21- You have allowed me to suffer much hardship, but you will restore me to life again and lift me up from the depths of the earth. You will restore me to even greater honor and comfort me once again.
May we grow through adversity and rise like mountains. Amen
I started a spiritual journaling class at the Chrysalis Institute two months ago. This has become a much needed activity in a safe and comforting space. We are given a theme and we all journey to wherever it takes us.
This month the theme was pilgrimages. A pilgrimage is a transformative journey to the sacred center. We were asked what journey had a profound impact on us and why. What sacred discoveries were there on this journey?
I chose my trip to Nigeria of course. I viewed this trip as a spiritually arranged marriage. You have to make up something as you fly across the ocean to marry someone you’re meeting in person for the first time right? Lol.
My sacred discovery was that God has been cultivating the fruits of the Spirit in my life. Love, joy, peace, long-suffering, patience and hope. I’m growing in all these areas in the most adverse circumstances.
I was not the best wife. I didn’t know how to be. I had to pray and let God show me how to be a wife. He is right smack in my sacred center. I had to learn to give forgiveness over and over. Even in instances where I truly wanted to act like a lunatic. Hello my name is Kathryn and I am working on anger. It conflicts with my yoga practice.
I look at myself now a decade later and am happy I’m not the same person. I have been freed from fear and anxiety. I don’t want to live that way it’s a miserable life. Sadness sometimes wins the battle, but I’m calling victory in the war.
My discovery is I am worthy of love. I can give tremendous amounts of love in return. Giving makes your life brim over with fulness. I never contemplated importance of forgiveness before. I would just omit people from my life. But this is my husband. I’m trying so hard to move forward and forget the person who was my best friend. Forget hopes, dreams and promises. I haven’t quite figured it out. If I give you my word there is no reason in my mind to break it.
For better or worse. Til death do us part. I do take you to be my husband.
So I think I’m on a journey to wholeness. Broken people just can’t do much. My assistant captured this photo of me at an event. I really had wanted my husband to be there, but before today I hadn’t seen him in months. After today I’m not expecting that to change. This picture made me cry, because that’s pure happy. I’m not faking anything. I was just happy. I was so grateful to see myself this happy. Joyful
We may not know the destination of pilgrimages in our lives, but there will always be the opportunity to learn and grow as a human. May you be deep rooted in all things blessed. Life is too short to be consumed with anger, bitterness and unforgiveness. Journey well.
I recently attended a, seminar at my church, Fighting Back With Joy, by author Margaret Feinberg. Joy was not even on my radar, but I just felt like I should go. My whole thought process has been focused on gratitude. I’ve been trying so hard to make this an every day component of my life even if all I write down every day is the dog and my two sons. Armies don’t go into battle with one type of weapon though. That would be insane! There are more weapons! Not discounting gratitude of course, I think it has added another dimension of peace to my life. But then there’s the epic battle with depression, you need joy to fight great sadness.
Galatians 5:22-23 – But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control. There is no law against these things.
I went to the seminar alone. I don’t have friends to call up and say hey wanna hang out. I think the drama of a bad marriage caused me to lose the ones I had. It’s really hard listening to a person’s suffering on a daily basis. I tried not to be Debbie Downer, but you have friends to vent to right? I most definitely should have used my imagination to give conversational details about my every day life. I miss one friend a hell of a lot, she always made me laugh and she had a cat that I would go pet for eternity on really bad days. So what do you do when you lose your very limited quantity of friends? You pray for new ones that will be able to relate to your circumstances, otherwise everyone will keep dropping you like a bad habit.
I have met three women recently who can relate. I met the newest one at the church event. She was on a pursuit for joy. She shared her story, which was worse than my own, with a smile. I must say she was a beautiful soul and I was thankful that God was still answering my prayer. Even for something as small as having someone to enjoy breaks with for the evening.
I learned some very important things about how to fight with joy. The author was diagnosed with cancer and she shared how she had researched joy for an entire year, because that was her weapon to fight cancer. She was a great comedian! There was so much laughter during her presentation. Laughter feels so much better than crying.
So how do you load, aim and shoot joy at what knocks the breath out of you?
1. Poke holes in the darkness with laughter. Overcome despair and doubt with gratitude. Draw a line in your life and surround yourself with nontoxic people. So you may get kicked to the curb like I did if others in your life are doing this lol. Don’t take it personal!
Proverbs 17:22 ~ A cheerful heart is good medicine.
2. Remain suspicious God is up to something good.
Genesis 50:20 ~ You meant to hurt me, but God turned your evil into good to save the lives of many people, which is being done now.
I blog to purge my heart and soul of the tremendous amount of pain weighing me down. I need to be set free. We all know the divorce rate in this country is extremely high. That was one reason I chose to fly across an ocean and marry into a culture where divorce is pretty much not an option. I have no clue what my husband’s problem is, but it required me to shift my focus. It required me to say Lord what are you trying to teach me through this horrible experience? If I hadn’t been mistreated I wouldn’t have gone in search of the depths of God’s love. I was only experiencing surface love prior to all this marriage hell. Jesus showed up one day with an empty present and he gave it to me. He told me to put all the pain in the empty box so he could exchange it with his love. He said that was his primary purpose in my life. When I handed the box back, he began to send waves one at a time of his love. I was only able to physically withstand seven waves. I felt I was about to faint right in the therapist’s office. All I could ask is what kind of love is this? It’s too much. He took my pain that day and walked away with it. I have not been the same since. It is impossible to remain the same after such an experience.
3. Help others fight back with joy.
Be compassionate. Suffer with someone.
Be calm. Broken people don’t need you to fix them.
Be constructive. Ask them what they need.
Be consistent. Commit to be there for the long haul.
Be confessional. Ask God how to pray.
Our last act that evening was to release red balloons into the air to shift our focus from our problems up to God. I must confess at times I go back and forth with this. I’m determined to keep getting up after every fall until I learn to quit taking my problems back after prayer. I know my prayers are being heard. Oh the struggles of becoming a reformed control freak lol. Red balloons were the symbol of joy for the author.
So what weapons did you go into battle with? Anger, fear, depression, loneliness, despair. Trust me those weapons are useless. They will leave you crippled. The fruits of the Spirit are so much more effective. It’s like learning to operate at a Navy seal level versus that of a private. We all know that training is really going to kick your ass on a daily. But you come through it with things you didn’t even know you had. Buying Margaret's book. Don't we look joyful?!
My last sentence is borrowed from another author. Choose your weapons wisely and follow the divine instructions and I’ll see you on the other side.
God whispers to us in our pleasures, but he shouts to us in our pain. ~ C.S. Lewis
The Unconventional Life 
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