Category: Faith

Waterfalls. River rocks. Heart.

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Relationships, Separation, Spirituality, Yoga

Psalm 51:10 – Create in me a pure heart God, and make my spirit right again.

Ever had to pray that scripture over and over again? I have. Your heart can be consumed with so many negative emotions from what happens in your life. Anger, bitterness and strife are just a few things that can poison your heart and spirit. My sin of choice tends to be anger.

April 11, 2015 I went to church. A prophet I had studied under before was in town.  I had no intention of praying for my marriage. I considered that situation hopeless for many reasons. I spent most of the service praying for my oldest son. He seems to have forgotten his upbringing.  I currently am still waiting for my child to return to his body and senses!

The speaker stopped preaching and said there are two homes here that are in trouble raise your hands. Well that was a no brainer so I raised my entire arm. Only one hand. Prophet repeats there are two people.  He’s looking for the second person. I eventually have both arms in the air and am myself looking for the second person.  I was becoming very embarrassed.  I wasn’t even praying about this!  Finally my former mentor got a microphone and told another woman it was also her marriage God was putting in the spotlight. Hallelujah!  I could finally put my hands down! He looked at us and said, “God said do not worry about your marriages he will give you restitution. ”

I’m driving home repeating this word. Saying what just happened.  Of course I knew the meaning of restitution, but my brain was not accepting the prophetic word. I went straight to dictionary.com, but the prophet had given a spiritual meaning while preaching. 

Restitution – In a season of restitution God will have to restore everything you lost in an immature state.

So I should have been breakdancing right? Yeah, that’s so not what I did. Restore, restore,  restore. I kept pacing and saying the word out loud. I got angrier and angrier.  Finally anger spilled from my heart out of my mouth. “Jesus who the hell is supposed to give this restitution?! Do you not see what he’s done to me?”

Not your typical Christian prayer. Nope nope nope. Exit blog if you’re looking for the fake holy roller type. Now I DO NOT recommend praying in this manner at all for the record. I went to therapy demanding an explanation from the therapist. I went to yoga and tried to leave the anger on the mat. However,  in deep relaxation God gave me a vision that screamed mercy for my husband. Now I had a prophetic  word plus a vision.

Lord have mercy!  It was just too much and in true black girl fashion hand went to hip, finger went up in the air, body roll plus shift and I was like really Jesus. I’m done! I’m so over it!

Eventually I just felt lost. I hate not having direction on what I should do. My hell raising, rebellious days ended years ago. One too many spiritual whoopings. Lol. I went to a soaking prayer service with journal in hand ready to write what thus saith the Lord. Ms. Shirley came by and kissed my forehead.  She said, “God says he loves you and you are his daughter. There is nothing too hard for him and he will never leave you. Just give it to him and leave it. Ask him for what you want. Trust him.”

My problem was now compounded.  Not only was I still angry, but I also had lost trust in God because this was pretty much what he said during the first separation and things had again fallen apart again.  Sorry Jesus no deal! I will keep my anger and distrust this whole situation is shady.

I lay there crying. I wrote a prayer in my journal, but I didn’t directly ask for anything concerning my family. It took every breath and thought I had to trust God the first time. You can lose your mind when you know your spouse is dating and God says do nothing. That’s some serious heartbreak.

I did so much yoga trying to work through this message. So many asanas and still had the same problem. God finally said he would be silent until I was no longer angry.

May 22, 2015. I return to soaking prayer. Anger and unforgiveness has got to go cause WWJD is the question at hand! I hike near water to clear my mind. I love water and its calming affect.

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Hiking along the James river.

So if you’re a logical left brain worshipper here is where I’m about to ditch you. I used to be one of those kind myself. Attending a life altering workshop on worshipping with your right brain by Mark Virkler changed my life. I shall never return!

I stood with Jesus under a waterfall. We walked on river rocks. He knows I go to water and woods for peace and clarity. He placed his hand on my heart and I saw an electric current go through his arm to my heart. Jesus asked if I was ready to take some cleansing breaths so I said sure. He said breathe until it’s gone. I tried my best not to sound like Darth Vader in a prayer service, but you have to make that sound. Otherwise they’re not cleansing breaths. I inhaled air and exhaled anger and unforgiveness. Sweet freedom! I saw such a beautiful picture of myself.

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You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens. ~ Rumi

Heart openers are some of my favorite poses. Above all I want a heart that overflows in God’s love. Perhaps you also have heart issues and could use a waterfall and river rock experience. It’s very easy to find God. All you need is prophetic soaking music (YouTube has great songs), journal and pen. It’s not so easy to find healing after being hurt in a relationship, but it is possible. Live your best life. You only get one on this side of eternity.

Namaste.

TKIT2GOD

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, depression, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, mental health, Relationships, Separation, Spirituality

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My friend said my life is like a Tyler Perry movie.  I must say I think he’s right because you can’t even make up the stuff that happens to me. In spite of it all I chose to smile today. I took the dog that my husband walked out on for two walks. I did yard work and some yoga. Most importantly I prayed.

There are a few people in my life that are sticking with me through the craziness.  I love and appreciate them so much! Today’s events were borderline crazy as far as marriage drama. What’s done in the dark always comes to light.

Yesterday the Holy Spirit told me I would see my husband at the library. Today it happened. I must again reflect on God’s love for me even through the pure hell I’m going through I know this love.  My husband doesn’t want me to know his address. I also endured this during the first separation.  I cried for weeks driving up and down streets of multiple cities,  but God kept me. He kept me from completely falling apart.

I watched my husband drive away with my staff through library windows. I’ll spare the Internet the crazy details.  I decided to drive to my office rather than drive up and down streets. I pulled up behind a car with a license plate of TKIT2GOD.  Take it to God. I just began to laugh. God is trying so hard to move me beyond worrying.  I think I’ll just free fall into grace and peace.

I started my day with prayer and exercise. I felt myself coming out of the fog of depression that overshadows me. It changed my day.

There is a song by Kurt Carr called God Kept Me. It’s my testimony. Joy is sometimes so very hard to find, which makes it even more precious.

So I’m here today because he kept me. I’m alive today only because of his grace. God kept me. He kept me. God’s mercy held me close so I wouldn’t let go.

May the joy of the Lord be my strength and yours in abundance.  Amen

Lord If You Had Been Here

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Inspiration, Relationships, Separation, Spirituality

March 30, 2015 was the beginning of my second separation. It sent me reeling. It’s May 26, 2015 and I still don’t know exactly why I’m separated.

I was so happy in October to have my husband back. He seemed just as happy as I was. Oddly enough we both realized 30 days into coming back together nothing changed, but it was for different reasons. I was the only one who had spent the time apart to grow into a better person. I had wanted to be a better wife with all my heart. He was the same if not worse. He did not honor our contracts.  He was still secretive and manipulative.  I was trying so hard to not have the same marriage,  but because of his terms and me trying to demonstrate I could follow as a wife I crashed in the same train wreck all over again.

John 11:32 – “Lord if you had been here my brother would not have died.”

This scripture has been swirling in my head for two days. This is Martha’s reaction to the death of her brother Lazarus. This is my reaction to my marriage. Jesus if you had just done something to help me I wouldn’t be separated.

Martha’s response caused Jesus to weep. I’m sure it was her disbelief.  I’m trying so hard to believe in God’s power to perform miracles right now. I spent all of Friday distraught because I could not think of a single person to help me. To say on my behalf that I am a good woman with a kind heart. When my brain can’t produce a solution anxiety kicks in.

As I journaled a prayer this evening I asked God if he had any good plans for me as written in scripture. I’ve suffered so much trying to give love. Most of my life my love has been regarded as nothing. No value to it at all.

I wonder what happened to the man I married. The one who assured me everything would be ok. The one who would email me scriptures. The only one I ever gave full access to myself. I was so comfortable growing into myself with him. I wonder what happened to us. The two who never ran out of words to speak. The two whose love spanned an ocean. The two who found everything in each other
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Jesus if you had only been there my life would not be falling apart. I’d rather be a Mary than a Martha, but it’s really hard. No one understands you when you just can’t seem to find a way to kill the love in your heart for a person who treats you so bad. My heart broke every day he denied having a wife. I kept asking myself what was wrong with me that he should deny me.

Jesus if you had just come sooner his heart would not be consumed in bitterness and mine wouldn’t be shattered.  Where were you when the warning signs were flashing bright red all around me? Where were you while I was trying not to lose myself and love him at the same time. Where were you when he didn’t come home and I had to ask another woman why? Jesus if only you’d come sooner he would honor his vows to love only me.

Cherish your spouse. Let love and forgiveness rule your heart. Do not be consumed with bitterness and deceit. I’ve learned that staying married is extremely hard work.

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Jesus didn’t come into my situation sooner he came later. I recently attended a training class in Los Angeles. I flew from the east coast and he sent a woman from Nigeria to my same class. Only God does things like that. I got to talk to her about my marriage woes and she hugged me and instantly became my sister.  I’ve been needing someone to talk to for weeks. I realized how much God must love me to send a woman from Nigeria to spend time with me. Miracles like that are easy to recognize.  Others not so much.

I’ve decided to once again grow as a person. It seems everyone can see my heart , but my husband. He no longer has spiritual eyes. If he did perhaps we’d be in marriage counseling.  I hope to become a Mary one day, but I know God loves me as a Martha and he will never abandon me.

When All You Have Is Belief

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Spirituality, youth

Faith. I think the biblical definition is the substance of things hoped for even if you don’t know how those things will come about. Faith has been one of the hardest struggles of my relationship walk.
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I am fiercely independent and self-reliant. I’ve had to be that way most of my life. Long-term behavioral patterns are very hard to break. That was one reason I chose to stay in therapy over a year during my separation. The day I could look in the mirror and declare myself a whole person whom I liked was amazing. I credit that to me finding peace and joy in some very intense prophetic sessions. People don’t give prophets enough credit they’d rather seek out psychics. I know because this is my spiritual gift. I used to hate it, but I’ve learned to embrace it.

Huge irony that this would be my gift due to my serious struggle with faith. I do pray about my concerns, but often declare God is taking too long to fix things. I tend to roll up my sleeves and try to fix the problem eventually. Most times if not always I make it worse. Then you have to take the same spiritual test over and over due to a failing grade. That’s what happens when God needs you to grow as a person. You find yourself in different situations facing the same personal growth issues. If you’re determined to grow you eventually pass and move on to the next thing.

Six days ago I launched an Indiegogo campaign to raise money for kids in the public housing communities in which I work. This was insane on my part. My team is slammed. The three of us work like an army. Every day I have the responsibility of hundreds of lives resting on my shoulders. At times it’s overwhelming, but I know my job is more of a spiritual assignment.

Many call themselves Christians I guess for the hell of it or because they were born into the faith. It’s not a lifestyle. Yes their faith is kept inside the confines of the church structures. What about helping the poor? Loving the abandoned? Giving hope to those that have very little reason to hope?

For the past few months I’ve watched luxury cars with out of state tags drive in and out of the community I work in. I myself drove up on a drug deal about to go down in front of lots of children playing. I blocked the addict in his parking space by pretending to be meeting with my staff. My heart broke for him. I knew he needed those drugs and it had my stomach in knots. I would likely save all the broken people on the planet if I could. I looked at each child in sadness. This dysfunctional environment is their norm.

In January my seventh grader won a statewide essay contest sponsored by the Virginia Municipal League. I was his editor and I was so proud. The essay reflected on lack of activities for youth and the problems this causes. Na’Seem had too much on his mind to be 12 and it brought everyone to tears during the awards ceremony. It created in some an even greater determination to bring about change.

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Na'Seem with Governor Terry McAuliffe and Mayor Brenda Pelham

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Na'Seem and I at the VML ceremony

And then several of us jumped off the cliff and launched our fundraising campaign. $30,000 in 30 days. Guess whose bright idea it was lol. I think by Wednesday I was questioning why everyone had allowed me to talk them into this. Panic was setting in. You may have read about my struggle with anxiety. Side effect of being a reformed control freak. But seriously how do I raise this much money in a month?
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I found myself unable to sleep one night so I began to pray, then plead, then cry and so on and so forth. Jesus what have I done? I have created an impossible situation, but with good intentions, because you placed me in an environment filled with poverty, lack of education and those depressing statistics Jennifer is always quoting. I can’t raise 30 in 30! I’m so glad I know I’m loved. It caused a shift.

I ignored logic and decided to have insane faith for the first time ever. “God you are not broke. You can do what I can’t and for some reason I’m crazy enough to believe in you right now. Jesus please make it rain.” Yes I used rap lyrics don’t judge my Gen X prayers. One week down and we’ve raised one percent of our goal.

Perhaps raising the money for my youth programs will not be my greatest blessing in all of this. Maybe I finally stumbled across the one needed mustard seed that will move me along on my journey. I will give this campaign all I have, but I also have enough faith in God to know that any miracle will not be the result of my work. I gave this to him in the middle of the night and I haven’t backed out of the deal. Proud moment! It’s not about me, but all about his glory.

To donate visit http://igg.me/at/HopewellStory/x. Miracles happen through ordinary acts of every day people.

If I Had Wishes For Falling Stars

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Relationships, Spirituality, Yoga

Jude 1:2 – Mercy, peace and love be yours in abundance.

I am the color of peanut butter. Native, African and European collided to make me. Sometimes I feel as if I don’t belong to any particular people group. White doesn’t claim me. Black says I’m not black enough. Native doesn’t know me and refuses to historically accept me and those like me in some tribes. What is my identity?

My husband very proudly declares he is African. He is in love with his blackness. He looks at me and shrugs lol. He along with everyone else in my family thinks I’m not black enough. If one more person asks if we’re having black food for Thanksgiving we will be in a drive through! Is it too much to ask that my gourmet palette be indulged for one day?

My life experience has been very different. Black girls hated me growing up and I could never understand why. I just wanted friends. The white girls took me in and were my best friends. They taught me about shaving legs and wearing eyeliner in elementary school. My mother hit the roof. Her black child was not supposed to do those things! I snuck and did both and my sister made sure to sing like a canary. I belonged to a group so I didn’t care and I very proudly lifted up my aqua net bangs with my friends. She messed up my census paperwork anyways. I was supposed to be an other lol.

Middle and high school were different. Leaving West Virginia for Northern Virginia was culture shock indeed. There was such diversity! It was awesome! I am the color of peanut butter and I sounded like a country hick/redneck. Black kids demanded I be quiet or go back to wherever there were people with my accent. My sister tried to work with me for days. I will never know how she mastered the accent of the hood that we’d never been to. Exasperated she gave up and begged me to say I was adopted. No one wanted me to answer the phone, it confused whoever was calling. I sang John Denver’s Country Roads every single day. Ahh sweet childhood memories. Luckily the asian, white and hispanic kids were ready to befriend me. I was in honors, you only needed to be intelligent. I also landed two black friends.
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So this is the back story to what exactly? A grand jury verdict I suppose. I don’t know how to feel due to my life experience. Should I be enraged, mournful or anxious? I keep asking my husband if perhaps we should try Canada? He’s enraged. I’m thoughtful. Last night we were watching his black history DVDs followed by a sermon in a black church by a black man. “Kathryn you hear that,” he asks. I reply yes. I want to understand a black man’s experience in America, but is that even possible?

Five days a week I am surrounded by black children because I work in public housing. My sons are black teenagers. At times I am concerned about their existence in this country.

I asked God to show me something after my yoga class on Sunday and we made a few stops, but this verse in Jude stuck with me. It is the focus of my yoga practice. Yoga has no color. I belong to a people group again. The instagram yoga community is amazing! I find more of myself with each pose. I do headstand when I am overwhelmed. I call it changing my perspective. I have been balanced on my head quite a lot for months. My husband thinks I’m crazy, but last night he was balanced on his head as well. He keeps asking me why I spend so much time on my head and in yoga poses. I always give the same response. “I’m looking for Jesus. We meet on my yoga mat.” I then listen to very long speeches on mixing religions. He doesn’t realize I left religion for relationship a long time ago. People do evil things behind religion. I just want to emulate the heart of God.

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So if I had wishes for falling stars. I would wish all human life mattered not it’s origin. I would wish that none of the public housing children would fall into doomed generational statistics. That children sold into sex trafficking would be set free and their souls healed. That child soldiers would lay down weapons for toys. That young girls would not have to be mutilated or become child brides. That diversity would be appreciated. That the heart of yoga would flow through more people. That my son would pull his damn pants up! That I would be accepted for myself because peanut butter is freaking awesome! Above all I pray that mercy, peace and love be your covering.
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Namaste.

Prodigal Challenges

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Inspiration, mental health, parenting, Relationships, Spirituality

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I was groggy when I dropped my son off this morning at the jail to begin his community service. I drove like a bat out of hell trying to get him there by 7:45. I am sick and tired literally.

I watched strange youth line up. So many of them. I just sat for a moment as I tried to absorb statistics against a grey sky accompanied by a brisk wind. My son didn’t wear a coat like the others. He wasn’t prepared. Neither was I. I haven’t quite figured out how to cope  with this set of circumstances.

I have retraced all my motherhood steps. I have yet to find the misstep. I have asked my son multiple times to help me, but he simply says, “You were a good mom.”

Hours later he calls and says he is not being released. The spin of the tornado begins again. I lose it because I am sick and I just want to rest. I don’t want to have to deal with a rebellious son entangled in the criminal justice system. “I’m sick of your fucking lifestyle. If you had better friends I wouldn’t be dealing with this shit.” He hangs up. He calls back. I am still in an exasperated panic. I shut him down with anger. Epic fail again.

I call my mom who joins me in the whipping winds of an unwanted emergency. The unpaid court fines do not belong to us, but once again we absorb another burden. My mother insists we can’t give up on him.

“Jesus this isn’t fair. You didn’t ask me if I wanted to experience this. I would have vehemently said no thank you.” I think about the emotional and financial drain this puts on me. I simply don’t feel like it.

I am baffled by the disappearance of my son. It’s hard to hold eye contact with who he is. My shoulders slump in disappointment. My eyes are tired from crying. It’s hard to focus.

After repenting for cussing like a sailor, I can only pray for mercy. I don’t understand why this is happening. I paused almost my entire adulthood to raise my sons. I went to churches and parks instead of clubs. I tried so hard, which makes feeling like a failure even worse.

My husband reads the parable of the prodigal son very loudly. He asks if I understand that I can’t love my son more than God does. I nod yes. He asks why am I crying when God is at peace. I just stare blankly at him. “You see Kathryn, God will use whatever circumstance that is necessary to draw us to him. You still do not understand his love,” he says. The tension between us is now gone.

My son is an unknown number to me for the next several days. I named him Christian so that he would know to whom he belonged. No judicial system can ever erase or replace that.

And Then There Was Light

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, mental health, Relationships, Spirituality, Uncategorized

Colossians 4:2 – Continue praying, keeping alert and always thanking God.

I have been absent from the blogosphere because of so many changes happening so quickly in my life. It’s been truly amazing and I am so grateful for small miracles.

I just experienced one of the darkest years of my life, but I managed to find peace in the midst of so much turmoil. I did this through prayer, worship, exercise and yoga. For 13 months I only had two goals. Survive the turmoil by taking one day at a time and allow God to develop my character.

It wasn’t easy! Have you ever had one of those days where you feel crushed by problems and it throws you into depression and/or anxiety? Last week I had serious financial problems. A year ago I would have completely shut down from not having enough money. Today I acknowledged there was a problem, prayed and waited for God to provide the solution. Everything fell into place just in time. My husband looked at me and said, “Do you ever think about how God has perfect timing?” I laughed because about a minute earlier I had said a prayer of thanks for the very thing he was questioning me on.

I have started practicing yoga headstands when I feel myself getting anxious. I call it changing my perspective. There’s just something about being upside down. It allows me to visualize all the worries or problems falling from my mind while meditating on biblical promises. Quirky remedy, but it works for me and I have much stronger abs lol.

I never imagined I would be in a mental space of contentment. I had to release the need to control everything and everyone. Any drama being brought into my life by others was classified as optional. When pursuing peace it is not possible to live in chaos caused by drama. I had to choose the healthiest option for my own mind and spirit.

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Integrating into the Instagram yoga and exercise community has been amazing. I have so much encouragement from total strangers. I love the yogis who post insightful quotes with their pictures. Love and release of expectations are at the center of my practice. I do not have to be the overachiever driven by an insane need for success. Not to say I haven’t been like I can do that and tried some pose knowing better. I have. I’m a work in progress. When this happens I just remind myself I am not in competition with anyone. This is my journey and it’s ok to be happy with where I am in that moment. I am grateful for this paradigm shift in my thinking, it didn’t come easily.

I am grateful that I have stripped my Christian walk all the way down to the basics through prayer. Love is as basic as it gets. If people practiced the act of giving love more we would live in a better environment.

I sat one day and read some of the prayers I had written in my journal over the last year. I noticed there was so much need, but an overall lack of gratitude in the beginning for what I had. I have learned to be thankful for every small blessing. It’s amazing at what hikes and yoga mats will show you.

My home is happy and consolidated now. The husband returned with a puppy that I absolutely love. I have found a comfortable place to be in as a wife. I did not have this before. We are working together instead of separately. I made it through a very tough time with my oldest son. No parent ever wants to see their child at the mercy of a court of law. I prayed through asana after asana. I dedicated hours of yoga practice towards the reconciliation of my family. Everything is not perfect, but God finally spoke to my storm and said let there be light.

I learned to dance in the rain with a grateful heart. Heart openers are some of my favorite poses. You can’t receive anything if your heart is closed. For better or worse were the words I spoke almost nine years ago. So glad that the worse seems to finally be behind me.

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Overcoming Fear

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, mental health, Relationships, Separation

I became acquainted with fear as a child observing my mother and other family members.  I observed that because they were afraid of doing most anything our family tended to have the same outcomes.  This observation greatly shaped the adult I would become.

I would acquire an extreme fear of committment.  If I could redo about two decades of relationships I would.  Bad choices left layers of pain.  As a youth, I developed the idea that marriage was evil.  I saw nothing good in it.  Marriage created siblings that meant extra responsibilities.  More work for my mother.  Arguments over adult issues and the list goes on and on.  I decided by the time I became a teen that I would never get married.  I would at most have a live in boyfriend with a backup just in case.

I carried all of these fears into my marriage and oh the devastation it caused.  I didn’t even notice what was happening.  I remember one day being in the kitchen and I just began to cry. “God why did you place these three people under my care?  I’m such a failure.  I never wanted a family and you totally rearranged my life!  Look at the mess I’ve created.”  I received the most gentle reply as I walked to the table and opened the bible.  I had never seen the scripture before, but I had to go sit down after reading Psalm 68:6.

My tears of frustration turned into tears of gratitude.  He had connected two of the most lonely people, my husband and myself, across an ocean.  My husband had said prayer for a family far away from Nigeria.  On my end I had a five-year old telling me his house was supposed to have a daddy that lived there with us.  My youngest son is a handful!  My husband found my match.com profile.  I can only laugh at how all of this happened.  You live long enough to be able to recognize divine intervention when it happens because you go around in a daze asking if what occurred really happened the way it did.

As I sat on the couch, I realized that God had blessed me with children and a husband so that I would know what unconditional love felt like and all I did was complain about it.  Months ago in a soaking worship service I had a vision of myself as a child.  I was in a pit in a white dress turning in circles.  I was searching for someone to love me, but no one ever came.  Although I was in this pit, there was the brightest light all around me and the most beautiful lawn.  God whispered to me, “You will never have to search for love like that again.”  Have you ever been totally wrecked with gratitude?  I needed so many kleenex that evening.  It was an epic day for healing a very deep hurt that I had carried for decades.  I hurt my family because I was broken and hurting.  I have sense learned you should enter into marriage a whole person.  My husband and I had no pre-marital counseling, but lots of issues that should have been discussed.

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Continue reading “Overcoming Fear” →

Cracked Vessels

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, depression, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Relationships, Separation

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I have two options for Wednesdays. Writer’s group or yoga class. Each group serves a different need to connect with others. Even if I sit quietly as introverts do, I find short reprieves that make me very grateful.

It’s the third day of picking myself up and trying again. I know Jesus has all my pieces in his hands. I know eventually it will be ok. There are some helping now with the pieces. Most go. Hoping for those who will see a reason to stay.

How I feel. No really.

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, depression, Faith, Marriage, Relationships, Separation, Uncategorized

How do I feel? That’s a loaded question I’ve been trying to avoid thinking about. The last two days have been very challenging. I feel exhausted, heartbroken, lonely, sad and hopeless.

I have no desire to live in an indefinite limbo. Not one part of me understands why I am married to someone I haven’t seen in two months. I had started the mental process of giving up last week. And then there was the text where he called me baby. I turned my head in all directions. I looked at the confirmation, yes baby, not knowing what to text afterwards. Naturally I asked why. Why do you refer to me with such a loving term when your actions scream otherwise at me? Your actions make me feel like I am nothing. That emptiness will be my only companion. He questioned what I had expected to be called. Nothing.

I have chosen exercise to try and cope with the ache in my heart. I don’t get to choose which days are harder than others. Eeyore days randomly choose me. I listened to Joyce Meyer yesterday preach on why feelings shouldn’t be a major factor making decisions. She spoke on their ability to derail everything. She used the scripture I had read right before turning on the podcast. Probably not a coincidence.

Galatians 6:9 – So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.

Did I mention I was tired and I can’t take anymore? My therapist is clever. I had stopped praying because I was afraid. That is the wrong thing to tell a Christian therapist. Yes, he made me pray last session. He said pray and declare over your family Kathryn and so I did. He then asked if I understood why he was giving me these instructions. Yes, because praying God’s will would not intentionally harm me was my reply.

I’m six months shy of my ninth anniversary. I remember leaving my two small children to fly across an ocean to marry someone. I remember fighting a five year immigration battle alone. I remember spending months researching immigration cases trying to get my husband here faster alone. Taking a suitcase full of clothes to a nephew I would never meet when he had nothing. I remember all the sacrifices I have made and that’s why I feel an indescribable amount of pain. How can you shift what hurts so bad?

I have so many unanswered questions. I keep trying to understand why there is no fulfillment. I am only half of the equation. My mind knows how a husband is supposed to love a wife and how that love would be multiplied and returned in greater quantities. I have nothing to increase or return. I return neglect with silence. Inevitably this will result in a negative outcome. Perhaps this is a cultural divide as wide as the grand canyon, but that doesn’t make it alright.

Today I am wallowing. I know that is not good. I feel so tired of living life this way. I’m only human. My heart wants to believe and hope in every biblical promise. It’s just hard when prayers continually go unanswered. It’s even harder when all you can hear are the lyrics to Jealous by Beyonce with head bowed and hands clasped. Perhaps that is my prayer. I relate to those words. I hate you for your lies and your colors. I hate us for making good love to each other. If you’re keeping your promise I’m keeping mine. Amen

I can only hope for a better tomorrow where laughter comes from deep within my soul instead of the tears that so frequently overflow from my heart.

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