Category: Faith

Sink Way Deep Down

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, depression, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, mental health, Relationships, Separation, Uncategorized

There has been such tragedies in the news over the last week. Momentum building with one story after another. Eric Garner strangled to death by choke hold. Michael Brown murdered in Ferguson. Robin Williams commits suicide because of depression. Two more black males murdered by law enforcement. People fleeing persecution in Iraq. I spent most of my week weeping for people I don’t even know.

I may never meet them, but I have prayed for them. My oldest son is 18. I tried to talk to him after the Michael Brown tragedy, but I honestly could barely find words. The picture I had seen of the mother brought my breath to a halt. Only a photograph can capture that level of agony. I carried that image in my mind for days.

image
Photo credit: Huy Mach

I’ve carried pain in my heart for months. Shifting it around, trying to lessen the load. Praying, breathing, meditating and stretching beyond my current self. There is a lot going on in my life. My marriage is still at a complete halt. I can at this moment say I’m neither married nor single. I live in question mark status. Nevertheless, I’m going to rely on the one who never changes. Jesus. He is trying to get me to be a better human through all of this. Pain causes you to grow.

 

I had decided to close my joint account last week and begin processing divorce in minuscule increments. Even that seemed to be too much. A text from my husband came at 5:45 a.m. Do not close the joint account. Translation is simple, we are not taking the first step towards divorce. I could only type ok.

I have read Proverbs 31 many times trying to figure out how to become this woman for my family. I have worked so hard on self-improvement over the last year. I’ve been waiting on my sons and husband to notice. For someone to call me blessed. My son called me crazy a few days ago. I really contemplated his one word description of me based on my past actions and it made me very sad.

I have been taking yoga classes every Sunday and Tuesday. It’s becoming something I need to do to start my week peacefully. Reflecting on all the violence stemmed from hatred in the news I placed my mat on the floor. I was praying for a scripture to focus on during the class. In front of me was a yogi that had a stone placed on her mat. I know that has to do with chakras and energy. Our instructor wanted to chant. I abstained, but I listened to the beautiful sound it made and it left me with a very good feeling. I have been dedicating my yoga practice to God healing myself and my family. So many different people and beliefs in one room and there was no hatred. Maybe some have life complications, but we all left it on the mat. I was the only brown person in the room, but I felt peace not fear.

Romans 14:9 – So let us try to do what makes peace and helps one another.

I honor each life experience. For experience teaches wisdom and we should never grow tired of learning. Every life has value. Every problem a solution. Your belief may be different from mine, but I serve a God of such an amazing love. I am going to do my very best to share this love with my family and whomever else I’m destined to encounter. I also believe we should love our planet and the animals that don’t speak human. Let your roots sink way deep down as storms will come from time to time. Like yogis you will find we have the ability to bend and not break.

I am very grateful for every person that took the time to pray for me and my family over the last year. I am thankful we are all here. I am thankful that I know God is no respector of persons. I am thankful that miracles can arise from the most horrific circumstances. I am thankful God restores the broken. Namaste.

Support Beams

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Inspiration, Marriage, mental health, Relationships, Separation

image

On Wednesday I layed it all on the line via text message. The response I got was detached. Be brave and ask hard questions when you need answers. He said there were too many bad memories to save our marriage on Thursday. Thursday I said no more tears because I’ve given my best effort. Today I woke unsure of what direction my life is about to take. Forty and dating just doesn’t sound appealing. It’s gonna be ok though. I’ve come a long way baby and I’m not standing alone.

Darling I Am Here For You

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, Relationships, Separation, Uncategorized

If you love someone be present.

Darling I am here for you. I am here exposed as naked as I can be in a brightness like a surgeon’s light in an operating room. Will you cut me open and discover what lies beneath my surface? I am here even when I don’t want to be. I am present. No longer hiding behind locked doors or barricaded in between walls. I am present. I proudly raise my hand like a kindergartner when you call my name and acknowledge I am here with you.

Whether it be familiar or unknown. Light or dark. I am here with you to express and discover love as it changes and takes on new forms. It’s meaning may change with seasons, but I will always be present in the words I do. I will accept challenges. I will pursue peace with all my might. I will love and be loved because it is my divine right to do so. I am now. Not future or past. Not unforgiving or anxious. Just now. I am a gentle touch, a reassuring word, a prayer warrior.

I am part of a family no matter its challenges. My identity is weaved amidst each member. My security and assurances recorded in ancient text in chapters and verses. I am present to be in my role acknowledging that I have purpose. Accepting my responsibilities. I am present to participate. I am present to live.

I feel love at my fingertips. In my heart. At the brush of your lips in happier times. Love’s energy flows through each step that connects with earth. Love is captured in each photographed memory. Close your eyes and remember its sound. Darling I am here for you. I am here exposed as naked as I can be.

Don’t Wonder

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, depression, Faith, Inspiration, Marriage, mental health, Relationships, Separation

image

Don’t wonder in the midst of trials. Pray. Don’t wonder about life. Explore. Write your own story mistakes and all. Just don’t sit on the sidelines watching life pass you by like automatic scenes through a viewfinder.

Take pauses to enjoy gifts, friends and occassions. Take time to feel pain, love, joy or whatever it is you are brave enough to feel. Going to the edge and letting your toes dangle requires courage. Do not shut off your emotions and feel nothing. That’s simply emptiness.

Fill your vessel with life and let it overflow. Don’t wonder if you’re doing it right. Just try. Take baby steps if you must. Be repetative if necessary. It is your practice. It is your journey.

Don’t wonder about where it is you’re going. Let the journey lead you to your destiny. Be surprised along the way. Make memories. Cherish those worth cherishing and release those who are not. Be grateful for those you release because they still served a purpose on your journey.

Don’t wonder. Have faith. Believe with your heart in your divine purpose. Connect with your soul. Be aware and not scattered. Be strong and brave. Do not run or hide from stumbling blocks along your path. Warriors fight for truth. Find your truth. Discover the beauty in being yourself in spite of mental, physical or emotional challenges. Be free to embrace all of yourself. Don’t wonder. Just be.

Today I took a three hour workshop combining yoga and writing. This was something I wrote to encourage myself. I drove to the studio listening to Ed Sheeran crying. What to do when you have a child breaking your heart with bad life choices? For now I can only breathe, bend, pray and write.

Divine Curveballs

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, mental health, Relationships

I ignored the knock at the door like always. My son refuses to select better friends so I just ignore them in the same manner I ignore the daily heartbreak of his constant bad choices. The knocking became more urgent so I finally opened the door. The one thing that I felt in my spirit would happen and had been praying against had finally occurred.

image

I had been thrown a divine curveball. I could let panic and anxiety overtake me as before, or I could exercise faith and trust at this critical moment.

I called. He’s not in the system. That takes hours, possibly tell midnight. I sat. I tossed and turned. As I woke before sunset, I thought Lord I’m not ready to hear out loud what I know. Give me one more hour. I checked my devotional and it was titled Turning Attitude Into Gratitude. http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/turning-attitude-into-grattitude/

Psalm 112:7 – They won’t be afraid of bad news; their hearts are steady cause they trust the Lord.

Today Jesus swooped down and saved me. I sat in the back of the courtroom. I watched mothers wiping tears from their eyes. I watched inmate after inmate be brought before the judge. I heard heartwrenching mental health cases. I saw my son in orange and I cried. Silent tears because I couldn’t express loud anguish in a courtroom. A scripture and a prior yoga class was providing enough counterweight to keep me steady.

Earth literally crumbled beneath my feet. I discovered I just had to rest in the palm of my creator’s hand. My reaction wasn’t what I expected of myself. Eerily calm. I am usually barking out orders fueled by adrenaline during crisises. Instead I just sat still, staring at a wall. I can no longer direct the actions of those in my life. They have choices to make as do I.

I feel distanced from my husband and son as I try to make better life choices. Spiritual obedience and a need for peace are my primary motivators. Constant dysfunction was having such a negative effect on my family. It crumbled, but new things can be built from ruins. I hope to reconnect with my son who has been living in a self-inflicted prison for the last four years. Mental prison or physical prison, which is worse? As his head lay in my lap for the first time in forever, I took a deep breath and prayed for the wisdom to parent the right way. I prayed for the strength to remain calm and be supportive.

It’s the last inning. Bases are loaded. I have two strikes. Heaven waits for my reaction as the curve ball is speeding towards home plate. I close my eyes and whisper I will not be afraid when I hear bad news because all things work together for the good for those who love the Lord. I remember Joseph and Daniel as I steady my hands to swing the bat. Simple choices in this moment will determine the future’s trajectory. Swing batter batter swing!

The Heart of the Matter

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, Relationships, Separation, Uncategorized

Two therapy sessions ago I was a bit panicked because I could not hear God. That meant Kathryn was doing nothing. Being in stealth mode waiting for instructions for undetermined amounts of time brings me face to face with anxiety. So we prayed, God spoke and the game of hide and seek was over.

We also prayed in my next session. What I heard made me angry and I wanted to politely ask Jesus to be quiet without fear of being struck by lightning. His words to me were Kathryn your husband is broken restore him back in love. My eyes immediately opened and I raised my voice at my therapist in protest. “This is not fair! What about me? Why do I have to keep trying when he acts like a complete jackass?” I was beyond upset, crying with no kleenex and waiting for my therapist to agree God was being unfair.

That’s not what happened. He very calmly told me I was holding on to unforgiveness and I needed to lay it down. Crying turned to sobbing, because I am hurdling offenses sometimes on a daily basis. I think I have kept going even though I have knocked down many hurdles I was unable to jump. I was asked if I was ready to pray over my own broken heart and lay it down. It was a very fast prayer because I didn’t want to hear anymore about the other party. I got the raised brow look from my therapist and I’m sure we’ll revisit this at some point.

The test came several days later. My husband just showed up because I didn’t answer the phone. I had plans for a pork festival that included beer tasting. As I stood there looking at him I knew barbecue and I would not meet up as I had planned. Apparently my facial expression was trying to communicate what my mouth wasn’t. When asked why I looked like I had a problem, I just looked at the floor. God give me strength to sacrifice southern barbecue and beer was my prayer.

He slept for hours and I sat in front of the TV. Of course I was annoyed, but I remembered my session. I referred back to my notes and I made a very hard decision. I decided to do as I was told and have dinner ready when he woke up. I wasn’t perfect in my actions, I grumbled and complained. Jesus and I were at odds, but above all else I truly desire to be in his image. It is beyond challenging! The husband woke up and I served him dinner and he left.

The emptiness you feel when nothing is returned for your giving can really mess with your mind. I was searching the bible this morning for something to hold onto today. Psalm 51 is going to have to be my lifeline for now.

Create in me a pure heart,God and make my spirit right again.Lord you really know I want to stand on a chair and punch him in the face, but someone made this phrase WWJD and I just can’t. Please help!

Give me back the joy of your salvation. Keep me strong by giving me a willing spirit.Abba here’s my own broken heart. Restore me in love as I try very hard to obey. It’s not always perfect, but please give me a pass for effort. May I never have to take this spiritual test again!

This week I have reflected on the state of my own heart and yup I have issues. Lord only knows when I will get out of therapy. God has a sense of humor though. All my devotionals for the last week have touched on difficult marital circumstances. I woke up this morning in tears because this doesn’t really feel like a marriage of any sorts and I’m just honestly burnt out. And then the devotional said the grace to keep going. Unbelievable!

image

I’m just a person. This is my documented journey. I know others share in my struggles. Millions of them. So if we get to the very heart of the matter, love, the strength to accomplish everything else will eventually appear. This agape love is a mofo. Whew! I don’t understand the way God loves. I would have wiped us out a long time ago, but I’m trying and I hope I inspire someone to do the same.

I’ve been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it’s about forgiveness
Forgiveness

In the Moment

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, mental health, Relationships, Separation, Uncategorized

I had no plans after dropping my sons off at their destinations. The easiest choice would have been to take my usual place on the couch and watch HGTV. This has been my Saturday routine for months. Today I grabbed my new journal and headed for Barnes and Noble. I’ve spent too many hours absorbing home remodeling shows. I will never be able to complete an extreme home makeover no matter what my Bob the Builder voice keeps telling me.

Bookstore with Starbucks included. This is my happy place! I can think here, resting in the over-sized green chair. Sunlight warms the back of my neck and I just am. I very seldom take pause moments. I have a need to stay busy. I think business is one of my avoidance techniques. It allows me to avoid overthinking my problems. I am that girl that can give you multiple plans for any complication. Analyze life from every direction. I like to know the steps to the entire path before the journey begins. Will my therapist ever be able to help me hurdle this obstacle?

What would I love to avoid right now? I have no clue how to interact with my husband right now. It’s either awkward or angry. This mess seems irreparable, but we keep holding on. I have only one logical answer for this. Some part of both of our hearts remembers how much it loves the other. It remembers that solemn vows were made years ago on a hot Nigerian day. It remembers loving over time and distance and the longest immigration battle.

My heart remembers the exact moment I got cold feet while waiting for our turn to be married. I can easily find my way back to that time. I gave him a look and mumbled a few words. My mind was racing. What have I done? I have really lost it! Everyone is right, I am crazy. There are chickens walking around everywhere, the irony! He simply took my hand and pressed his forehead to mine and assured me that everything would be okay.

I remember that feeling. It was strange. Safety and complete trust in another person. Recently my husband had an epiphany of sorts. I held my breath during the conversation. The person I married was back! He promised this marriage was going to get better. He just didn’t stay long and we’re right back at worse.

You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens. – Rumi

Sometimes you just have to be in the moment and know it’s okay. Seek wisdom and peace during these times. I don’t know everything. I can’t control everything. I can only consciously pause and search for the best me and share that person. I can stare down adversity with hope. I can address hatred with love, even if I have to grit my teeth. I can share my unconventional life. Sometimes you have to clench hope with both fists to keep going. If one person gets to witness my miracle, whatever it ends up to be, it will all be worth it.

The Provision of Friendship During Critical Times

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Relationships

My son graduates from high school in a few days. There are so many thoughts running through my mind. This is the very first step into adulthood. Baby bird has to leave the nest. He is so adamant about not being babied right now. I’m 18 are his favorite words to tell me.

I decided as a teenager not to have children. Obviously that life plan didn’t work out. I believed that I would somehow destroy any child that would be placed under my care. That they would be like me. A troubled mess with low self-esteem always searching for love. That life journey not only wears out the soles of the shoes walking it, but also whittles away at the very essence of the person. The soul.

I got pregnant when I was 21. I had to drop out of college and I had two moms shouting opposing things in opposite ears. I could meet neither demand at the time. I was in a nine month rage. I could not marry the father and I could not dispose of the child to save myself. Thankfully during this time I was surrounded by a few praying friends who were willing to take this u-turn with me.

Proverbs 17:17 – A friend loves at all times

Those friends threw me a baby shower and we focused on gifts that little souls needed to survive. He had a bible, piggy bank with a scripture and so on. We were pretty clueless about everything babies need, lol. My mom marched me right to the mall afterwards with rotating questions and statements that can basically be summed up as what was everyone thinking. This memory always makes me laugh. We were thinking that I would not break a fragile person and my friends would help me not to do this. My mom went through the delivery with me and I named him Christian as a reminder that he belonged to God.

Single parenting is hard work! The second son came four years later and two friends were at my side during the delivery. They gave me ice chips, held my hand and whatever else was needed for many hours.

image

I have found so much joy in these two boys. I’m glad God saw an ability in me I didn’t see in myself. I am beyond grateful that he placed friends in my life as a support system as an answer to my prayer. I used to walk the floor at night praying to be a good mom.

They watched my kids so I could finish college. It took eight years, but I finished. When my finances fell short they provided for my kids from their own resources. They disciplined them with love. They walked with me in love. I’ll remember as these next days pass by that the village was their to help me raise my children and I didn’t fail. God’s provision of friendship enabled me to succeed.