Category: Hope

Thriving in the Desert

by The Unconventional Life, posted in depression, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, Relationships, Separation, Spirituality

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A couple of mornings back I decided to stop and start my day journaling. I’m always yapping with God, but often do not take time to sit still and listen for answers or instructions.

My thoughts fell on the last six months of my life and I realized I’m thriving. I sat and began to say things that were prospering in the midst of personal turmoil. Two separations back to back can destroy even the strongest of warriors. Putting all your hope and love into someone and a marriage that crumbles back to back is hard to recover from. As I realized that most often die in a desert experience, gratitude filled my heart and tears began to flow down my cheeks. Death can come in many forms: unforgiveness, bitterness, anger, the need for revenge, depression and the list could go on and on.

The flip side of that for me is saying this is my life situation. I am not the cause of it. I am entitled to learn something to grow me as a human that will inspire someone else. I have the right to get up and live.

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With public housing kids at National Night Out

My thriving list:
1. There is laughter, love and peace flowing through my home. Everyone is experiencing a personal struggle, but my kids and I have these things to be grateful for.
2. Bruno is always happy to see me.
3. The works of my hands are blessed! I pray this prayer at my desk sometimes, God bless the works of my hands. I feel like King Midas at work right now lol.
4. I got accepted into a program to teach fitness classes. Training is kicking my butt, but I’m focused on those that don’t have access to fitness and how I can help them. I will soon be giving free classes to public housing residents! I get to share my story of battling depression with fitness.
5. My bills are paid and we have shelter and food. Amen!
6. God pours his love into my life even when I’m not thinking about it.
7. I’m not depressed. Loneliness creeps up on me some days. I am very grateful for Bruno’s puppy kisses at those times lol.
8. I am inspiring others. Whoa really! I wonder about these people lol, but I’m thankful to be a living testimony.

This is just a small list. I hope if you find yourself reading this in a desert experience you will make your own list. You may not have perfect circumstances. I definitely don’t. I’ve again lost my best friend. Sometimes life knocks you flat on your ass like that. However, if you’re reading this you’re alive so get up and live. Even if you have to do so in small time increments. I used to plan years ahead, but I literally at one point had to take myself down to one hour at a time.

Psalm 71:20-21- You have allowed me to suffer much hardship, but you will restore me to life again and lift me up from the depths of the earth. You will restore me to even greater honor and comfort me once again.

May we grow through adversity and rise like mountains. Amen

The Unexpected Pilgrimage

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Relationships, Separation, Spirituality

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I started a spiritual journaling class at the Chrysalis Institute two months ago. This has become a much needed activity in a safe and comforting space. We are given a theme and we all journey to wherever it takes us.

This month the theme was pilgrimages. A pilgrimage is a transformative journey to the sacred center. We were asked what journey had a profound impact on us and why. What sacred discoveries were there on this journey?

I chose my trip to Nigeria of course. I viewed this trip as a spiritually arranged marriage. You have to make up something as you fly across the ocean to marry someone you’re meeting in person for the first time right? Lol.

My sacred discovery was that God has been cultivating the fruits of the Spirit in my life. Love, joy, peace, long-suffering, patience and hope. I’m growing in all these areas in the most adverse circumstances.

I was not the best wife. I didn’t know how to be. I had to pray and let God show me how to be a wife. He is right smack in my sacred center. I had to learn to give forgiveness over and over. Even in instances where I truly wanted to act like a lunatic. Hello my name is Kathryn and I am working on anger. It conflicts with my yoga practice.

I look at myself now a decade later and am happy I’m not the same person. I have been freed from fear and anxiety. I don’t want to live that way it’s a miserable life. Sadness sometimes wins the battle, but I’m calling victory in the war.

My discovery is I am worthy of love. I can give tremendous amounts of love in return. Giving makes your life brim over with fulness. I never contemplated importance of forgiveness before. I would just omit people from my life. But this is my husband. I’m trying so hard to move forward and forget the person who was my best friend. Forget hopes, dreams and promises. I haven’t quite figured it out. If I give you my word there is no reason in my mind to break it.

For better or worse. Til death do us part. I do take you to be my husband.

So I think I’m on a journey to wholeness. Broken people just can’t do much. My assistant captured this photo of me at an event. I really had wanted my husband to be there, but before today I hadn’t seen him in months. After today I’m not expecting that to change. This picture made me cry, because that’s pure happy. I’m not faking anything. I was just happy. I was so grateful to see myself this happy.

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Joyful

We may not know the destination of pilgrimages in our lives, but there will always be the opportunity to learn and grow as a human. May you be deep rooted in all things blessed. Life is too short to be consumed with anger, bitterness and unforgiveness. Journey well.

Arsenal Weapons

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, depression, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, Relationships, Separation, Spirituality

I recently attended a, seminar at my church, Fighting Back With Joy, by author Margaret Feinberg. Joy was not even on my radar, but I just felt like I should go. My whole thought process has been focused on gratitude. I’ve been trying so hard to make this an every day component of my life even if all I write down every day is the dog and my two sons. Armies don’t go into battle with one type of weapon though. That would be insane! There are more weapons! Not discounting gratitude of course, I think it has added another dimension of peace to my life. But then there’s the epic battle with depression, you need joy to fight great sadness.

Galatians 5:22-23 – But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control. There is no law against these things.

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I went to the seminar alone. I don’t have friends to call up and say hey wanna hang out. I think the drama of a bad marriage caused me to lose the ones I had. It’s really hard listening to a person’s suffering on a daily basis. I tried not to be Debbie Downer, but you have friends to vent to right? I most definitely should have used my imagination to give conversational details about my every day life. I miss one friend a hell of a lot, she always made me laugh and she had a cat that I would go pet for eternity on really bad days. So what do you do when you lose your very limited quantity of friends? You pray for new ones that will be able to relate to your circumstances, otherwise everyone will keep dropping you like a bad habit.

I have met three women recently who can relate. I met the newest one at the church event. She was on a pursuit for joy. She shared her story, which was worse than my own, with a smile. I must say she was a beautiful soul and I was thankful that God was still answering my prayer. Even for something as small as having someone to enjoy breaks with for the evening.

I learned some very important things about how to fight with joy. The author was diagnosed with cancer and she shared how she had researched joy for an entire year, because that was her weapon to fight cancer. She was a great comedian! There was so much laughter during her presentation. Laughter feels so much better than crying.

So how do you load, aim and shoot joy at what knocks the breath out of you?

1. Poke holes in the darkness with laughter. Overcome despair and doubt with gratitude. Draw a line in your life and surround yourself with nontoxic people. So you may get kicked to the curb like I did if others in your life are doing this lol. Don’t take it personal!
Proverbs 17:22 ~ A cheerful heart is good medicine.

2. Remain suspicious God is up to something good.
Genesis 50:20 ~ You meant to hurt me, but God turned your evil into good to save the lives of many people, which is being done now.

I blog to purge my heart and soul of the tremendous amount of pain weighing me down. I need to be set free. We all know the divorce rate in this country is extremely high. That was one reason I chose to fly across an ocean and marry into a culture where divorce is pretty much not an option. I have no clue what my husband’s problem is, but it required me to shift my focus. It required me to say Lord what are you trying to teach me through this horrible experience? If I hadn’t been mistreated I wouldn’t have gone in search of the depths of God’s love. I was only experiencing surface love prior to all this marriage hell. Jesus showed up one day with an empty present and he gave it to me. He told me to put all the pain in the empty box so he could exchange it with his love. He said that was his primary purpose in my life. When I handed the box back, he began to send waves one at a time of his love. I was only able to physically withstand seven waves. I felt I was about to faint right in the therapist’s office. All I could ask is what kind of love is this? It’s too much. He took my pain that day and walked away with it. I have not been the same since. It is impossible to remain the same after such an experience.

3. Help others fight back with joy.
Be compassionate. Suffer with someone.
Be calm. Broken people don’t need you to fix them.
Be constructive. Ask them what they need.
Be consistent. Commit to be there for the long haul.
Be confessional. Ask God how to pray.

Our last act that evening was to release red balloons into the air to shift our focus from our problems up to God. I must confess at times I go back and forth with this. I’m determined to keep getting up after every fall until I learn to quit taking my problems back after prayer. I know my prayers are being heard. Oh the struggles of becoming a reformed control freak lol.

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Red balloons were the symbol of joy for the author.

So what weapons did you go into battle with? Anger, fear, depression, loneliness, despair. Trust me those weapons are useless. They will leave you crippled. The fruits of the Spirit are so much more effective. It’s like learning to operate at a Navy seal level versus that of a private. We all know that training is really going to kick your ass on a daily. But you come through it with things you didn’t even know you had.

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Buying Margaret's book. Don't we look joyful?!

My last sentence is borrowed from another author. Choose your weapons wisely and follow the divine instructions and I’ll see you on the other side.

God whispers to us in our pleasures, but he shouts to us in our pain. ~ C.S. Lewis

Waterfalls. River rocks. Heart.

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Relationships, Separation, Spirituality, Yoga

Psalm 51:10 – Create in me a pure heart God, and make my spirit right again.

Ever had to pray that scripture over and over again? I have. Your heart can be consumed with so many negative emotions from what happens in your life. Anger, bitterness and strife are just a few things that can poison your heart and spirit. My sin of choice tends to be anger.

April 11, 2015 I went to church. A prophet I had studied under before was in town.  I had no intention of praying for my marriage. I considered that situation hopeless for many reasons. I spent most of the service praying for my oldest son. He seems to have forgotten his upbringing.  I currently am still waiting for my child to return to his body and senses!

The speaker stopped preaching and said there are two homes here that are in trouble raise your hands. Well that was a no brainer so I raised my entire arm. Only one hand. Prophet repeats there are two people.  He’s looking for the second person. I eventually have both arms in the air and am myself looking for the second person.  I was becoming very embarrassed.  I wasn’t even praying about this!  Finally my former mentor got a microphone and told another woman it was also her marriage God was putting in the spotlight. Hallelujah!  I could finally put my hands down! He looked at us and said, “God said do not worry about your marriages he will give you restitution. ”

I’m driving home repeating this word. Saying what just happened.  Of course I knew the meaning of restitution, but my brain was not accepting the prophetic word. I went straight to dictionary.com, but the prophet had given a spiritual meaning while preaching. 

Restitution – In a season of restitution God will have to restore everything you lost in an immature state.

So I should have been breakdancing right? Yeah, that’s so not what I did. Restore, restore,  restore. I kept pacing and saying the word out loud. I got angrier and angrier.  Finally anger spilled from my heart out of my mouth. “Jesus who the hell is supposed to give this restitution?! Do you not see what he’s done to me?”

Not your typical Christian prayer. Nope nope nope. Exit blog if you’re looking for the fake holy roller type. Now I DO NOT recommend praying in this manner at all for the record. I went to therapy demanding an explanation from the therapist. I went to yoga and tried to leave the anger on the mat. However,  in deep relaxation God gave me a vision that screamed mercy for my husband. Now I had a prophetic  word plus a vision.

Lord have mercy!  It was just too much and in true black girl fashion hand went to hip, finger went up in the air, body roll plus shift and I was like really Jesus. I’m done! I’m so over it!

Eventually I just felt lost. I hate not having direction on what I should do. My hell raising, rebellious days ended years ago. One too many spiritual whoopings. Lol. I went to a soaking prayer service with journal in hand ready to write what thus saith the Lord. Ms. Shirley came by and kissed my forehead.  She said, “God says he loves you and you are his daughter. There is nothing too hard for him and he will never leave you. Just give it to him and leave it. Ask him for what you want. Trust him.”

My problem was now compounded.  Not only was I still angry, but I also had lost trust in God because this was pretty much what he said during the first separation and things had again fallen apart again.  Sorry Jesus no deal! I will keep my anger and distrust this whole situation is shady.

I lay there crying. I wrote a prayer in my journal, but I didn’t directly ask for anything concerning my family. It took every breath and thought I had to trust God the first time. You can lose your mind when you know your spouse is dating and God says do nothing. That’s some serious heartbreak.

I did so much yoga trying to work through this message. So many asanas and still had the same problem. God finally said he would be silent until I was no longer angry.

May 22, 2015. I return to soaking prayer. Anger and unforgiveness has got to go cause WWJD is the question at hand! I hike near water to clear my mind. I love water and its calming affect.

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Hiking along the James river.

So if you’re a logical left brain worshipper here is where I’m about to ditch you. I used to be one of those kind myself. Attending a life altering workshop on worshipping with your right brain by Mark Virkler changed my life. I shall never return!

I stood with Jesus under a waterfall. We walked on river rocks. He knows I go to water and woods for peace and clarity. He placed his hand on my heart and I saw an electric current go through his arm to my heart. Jesus asked if I was ready to take some cleansing breaths so I said sure. He said breathe until it’s gone. I tried my best not to sound like Darth Vader in a prayer service, but you have to make that sound. Otherwise they’re not cleansing breaths. I inhaled air and exhaled anger and unforgiveness. Sweet freedom! I saw such a beautiful picture of myself.

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You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens. ~ Rumi

Heart openers are some of my favorite poses. Above all I want a heart that overflows in God’s love. Perhaps you also have heart issues and could use a waterfall and river rock experience. It’s very easy to find God. All you need is prophetic soaking music (YouTube has great songs), journal and pen. It’s not so easy to find healing after being hurt in a relationship, but it is possible. Live your best life. You only get one on this side of eternity.

Namaste.

TKIT2GOD

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, depression, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, mental health, Relationships, Separation, Spirituality

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My friend said my life is like a Tyler Perry movie.  I must say I think he’s right because you can’t even make up the stuff that happens to me. In spite of it all I chose to smile today. I took the dog that my husband walked out on for two walks. I did yard work and some yoga. Most importantly I prayed.

There are a few people in my life that are sticking with me through the craziness.  I love and appreciate them so much! Today’s events were borderline crazy as far as marriage drama. What’s done in the dark always comes to light.

Yesterday the Holy Spirit told me I would see my husband at the library. Today it happened. I must again reflect on God’s love for me even through the pure hell I’m going through I know this love.  My husband doesn’t want me to know his address. I also endured this during the first separation.  I cried for weeks driving up and down streets of multiple cities,  but God kept me. He kept me from completely falling apart.

I watched my husband drive away with my staff through library windows. I’ll spare the Internet the crazy details.  I decided to drive to my office rather than drive up and down streets. I pulled up behind a car with a license plate of TKIT2GOD.  Take it to God. I just began to laugh. God is trying so hard to move me beyond worrying.  I think I’ll just free fall into grace and peace.

I started my day with prayer and exercise. I felt myself coming out of the fog of depression that overshadows me. It changed my day.

There is a song by Kurt Carr called God Kept Me. It’s my testimony. Joy is sometimes so very hard to find, which makes it even more precious.

So I’m here today because he kept me. I’m alive today only because of his grace. God kept me. He kept me. God’s mercy held me close so I wouldn’t let go.

May the joy of the Lord be my strength and yours in abundance.  Amen

When All You Have Is Belief

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Spirituality, youth

Faith. I think the biblical definition is the substance of things hoped for even if you don’t know how those things will come about. Faith has been one of the hardest struggles of my relationship walk.
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I am fiercely independent and self-reliant. I’ve had to be that way most of my life. Long-term behavioral patterns are very hard to break. That was one reason I chose to stay in therapy over a year during my separation. The day I could look in the mirror and declare myself a whole person whom I liked was amazing. I credit that to me finding peace and joy in some very intense prophetic sessions. People don’t give prophets enough credit they’d rather seek out psychics. I know because this is my spiritual gift. I used to hate it, but I’ve learned to embrace it.

Huge irony that this would be my gift due to my serious struggle with faith. I do pray about my concerns, but often declare God is taking too long to fix things. I tend to roll up my sleeves and try to fix the problem eventually. Most times if not always I make it worse. Then you have to take the same spiritual test over and over due to a failing grade. That’s what happens when God needs you to grow as a person. You find yourself in different situations facing the same personal growth issues. If you’re determined to grow you eventually pass and move on to the next thing.

Six days ago I launched an Indiegogo campaign to raise money for kids in the public housing communities in which I work. This was insane on my part. My team is slammed. The three of us work like an army. Every day I have the responsibility of hundreds of lives resting on my shoulders. At times it’s overwhelming, but I know my job is more of a spiritual assignment.

Many call themselves Christians I guess for the hell of it or because they were born into the faith. It’s not a lifestyle. Yes their faith is kept inside the confines of the church structures. What about helping the poor? Loving the abandoned? Giving hope to those that have very little reason to hope?

For the past few months I’ve watched luxury cars with out of state tags drive in and out of the community I work in. I myself drove up on a drug deal about to go down in front of lots of children playing. I blocked the addict in his parking space by pretending to be meeting with my staff. My heart broke for him. I knew he needed those drugs and it had my stomach in knots. I would likely save all the broken people on the planet if I could. I looked at each child in sadness. This dysfunctional environment is their norm.

In January my seventh grader won a statewide essay contest sponsored by the Virginia Municipal League. I was his editor and I was so proud. The essay reflected on lack of activities for youth and the problems this causes. Na’Seem had too much on his mind to be 12 and it brought everyone to tears during the awards ceremony. It created in some an even greater determination to bring about change.

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Na'Seem with Governor Terry McAuliffe and Mayor Brenda Pelham

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Na'Seem and I at the VML ceremony

And then several of us jumped off the cliff and launched our fundraising campaign. $30,000 in 30 days. Guess whose bright idea it was lol. I think by Wednesday I was questioning why everyone had allowed me to talk them into this. Panic was setting in. You may have read about my struggle with anxiety. Side effect of being a reformed control freak. But seriously how do I raise this much money in a month?
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I found myself unable to sleep one night so I began to pray, then plead, then cry and so on and so forth. Jesus what have I done? I have created an impossible situation, but with good intentions, because you placed me in an environment filled with poverty, lack of education and those depressing statistics Jennifer is always quoting. I can’t raise 30 in 30! I’m so glad I know I’m loved. It caused a shift.

I ignored logic and decided to have insane faith for the first time ever. “God you are not broke. You can do what I can’t and for some reason I’m crazy enough to believe in you right now. Jesus please make it rain.” Yes I used rap lyrics don’t judge my Gen X prayers. One week down and we’ve raised one percent of our goal.

Perhaps raising the money for my youth programs will not be my greatest blessing in all of this. Maybe I finally stumbled across the one needed mustard seed that will move me along on my journey. I will give this campaign all I have, but I also have enough faith in God to know that any miracle will not be the result of my work. I gave this to him in the middle of the night and I haven’t backed out of the deal. Proud moment! It’s not about me, but all about his glory.

To donate visit http://igg.me/at/HopewellStory/x. Miracles happen through ordinary acts of every day people.

If I Had Wishes For Falling Stars

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Relationships, Spirituality, Yoga

Jude 1:2 – Mercy, peace and love be yours in abundance.

I am the color of peanut butter. Native, African and European collided to make me. Sometimes I feel as if I don’t belong to any particular people group. White doesn’t claim me. Black says I’m not black enough. Native doesn’t know me and refuses to historically accept me and those like me in some tribes. What is my identity?

My husband very proudly declares he is African. He is in love with his blackness. He looks at me and shrugs lol. He along with everyone else in my family thinks I’m not black enough. If one more person asks if we’re having black food for Thanksgiving we will be in a drive through! Is it too much to ask that my gourmet palette be indulged for one day?

My life experience has been very different. Black girls hated me growing up and I could never understand why. I just wanted friends. The white girls took me in and were my best friends. They taught me about shaving legs and wearing eyeliner in elementary school. My mother hit the roof. Her black child was not supposed to do those things! I snuck and did both and my sister made sure to sing like a canary. I belonged to a group so I didn’t care and I very proudly lifted up my aqua net bangs with my friends. She messed up my census paperwork anyways. I was supposed to be an other lol.

Middle and high school were different. Leaving West Virginia for Northern Virginia was culture shock indeed. There was such diversity! It was awesome! I am the color of peanut butter and I sounded like a country hick/redneck. Black kids demanded I be quiet or go back to wherever there were people with my accent. My sister tried to work with me for days. I will never know how she mastered the accent of the hood that we’d never been to. Exasperated she gave up and begged me to say I was adopted. No one wanted me to answer the phone, it confused whoever was calling. I sang John Denver’s Country Roads every single day. Ahh sweet childhood memories. Luckily the asian, white and hispanic kids were ready to befriend me. I was in honors, you only needed to be intelligent. I also landed two black friends.
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So this is the back story to what exactly? A grand jury verdict I suppose. I don’t know how to feel due to my life experience. Should I be enraged, mournful or anxious? I keep asking my husband if perhaps we should try Canada? He’s enraged. I’m thoughtful. Last night we were watching his black history DVDs followed by a sermon in a black church by a black man. “Kathryn you hear that,” he asks. I reply yes. I want to understand a black man’s experience in America, but is that even possible?

Five days a week I am surrounded by black children because I work in public housing. My sons are black teenagers. At times I am concerned about their existence in this country.

I asked God to show me something after my yoga class on Sunday and we made a few stops, but this verse in Jude stuck with me. It is the focus of my yoga practice. Yoga has no color. I belong to a people group again. The instagram yoga community is amazing! I find more of myself with each pose. I do headstand when I am overwhelmed. I call it changing my perspective. I have been balanced on my head quite a lot for months. My husband thinks I’m crazy, but last night he was balanced on his head as well. He keeps asking me why I spend so much time on my head and in yoga poses. I always give the same response. “I’m looking for Jesus. We meet on my yoga mat.” I then listen to very long speeches on mixing religions. He doesn’t realize I left religion for relationship a long time ago. People do evil things behind religion. I just want to emulate the heart of God.

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So if I had wishes for falling stars. I would wish all human life mattered not it’s origin. I would wish that none of the public housing children would fall into doomed generational statistics. That children sold into sex trafficking would be set free and their souls healed. That child soldiers would lay down weapons for toys. That young girls would not have to be mutilated or become child brides. That diversity would be appreciated. That the heart of yoga would flow through more people. That my son would pull his damn pants up! That I would be accepted for myself because peanut butter is freaking awesome! Above all I pray that mercy, peace and love be your covering.
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Namaste.

And Then There Was Light

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, mental health, Relationships, Spirituality, Uncategorized

Colossians 4:2 – Continue praying, keeping alert and always thanking God.

I have been absent from the blogosphere because of so many changes happening so quickly in my life. It’s been truly amazing and I am so grateful for small miracles.

I just experienced one of the darkest years of my life, but I managed to find peace in the midst of so much turmoil. I did this through prayer, worship, exercise and yoga. For 13 months I only had two goals. Survive the turmoil by taking one day at a time and allow God to develop my character.

It wasn’t easy! Have you ever had one of those days where you feel crushed by problems and it throws you into depression and/or anxiety? Last week I had serious financial problems. A year ago I would have completely shut down from not having enough money. Today I acknowledged there was a problem, prayed and waited for God to provide the solution. Everything fell into place just in time. My husband looked at me and said, “Do you ever think about how God has perfect timing?” I laughed because about a minute earlier I had said a prayer of thanks for the very thing he was questioning me on.

I have started practicing yoga headstands when I feel myself getting anxious. I call it changing my perspective. There’s just something about being upside down. It allows me to visualize all the worries or problems falling from my mind while meditating on biblical promises. Quirky remedy, but it works for me and I have much stronger abs lol.

I never imagined I would be in a mental space of contentment. I had to release the need to control everything and everyone. Any drama being brought into my life by others was classified as optional. When pursuing peace it is not possible to live in chaos caused by drama. I had to choose the healthiest option for my own mind and spirit.

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Integrating into the Instagram yoga and exercise community has been amazing. I have so much encouragement from total strangers. I love the yogis who post insightful quotes with their pictures. Love and release of expectations are at the center of my practice. I do not have to be the overachiever driven by an insane need for success. Not to say I haven’t been like I can do that and tried some pose knowing better. I have. I’m a work in progress. When this happens I just remind myself I am not in competition with anyone. This is my journey and it’s ok to be happy with where I am in that moment. I am grateful for this paradigm shift in my thinking, it didn’t come easily.

I am grateful that I have stripped my Christian walk all the way down to the basics through prayer. Love is as basic as it gets. If people practiced the act of giving love more we would live in a better environment.

I sat one day and read some of the prayers I had written in my journal over the last year. I noticed there was so much need, but an overall lack of gratitude in the beginning for what I had. I have learned to be thankful for every small blessing. It’s amazing at what hikes and yoga mats will show you.

My home is happy and consolidated now. The husband returned with a puppy that I absolutely love. I have found a comfortable place to be in as a wife. I did not have this before. We are working together instead of separately. I made it through a very tough time with my oldest son. No parent ever wants to see their child at the mercy of a court of law. I prayed through asana after asana. I dedicated hours of yoga practice towards the reconciliation of my family. Everything is not perfect, but God finally spoke to my storm and said let there be light.

I learned to dance in the rain with a grateful heart. Heart openers are some of my favorite poses. You can’t receive anything if your heart is closed. For better or worse were the words I spoke almost nine years ago. So glad that the worse seems to finally be behind me.

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Overcoming Fear

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, mental health, Relationships, Separation

I became acquainted with fear as a child observing my mother and other family members.  I observed that because they were afraid of doing most anything our family tended to have the same outcomes.  This observation greatly shaped the adult I would become.

I would acquire an extreme fear of committment.  If I could redo about two decades of relationships I would.  Bad choices left layers of pain.  As a youth, I developed the idea that marriage was evil.  I saw nothing good in it.  Marriage created siblings that meant extra responsibilities.  More work for my mother.  Arguments over adult issues and the list goes on and on.  I decided by the time I became a teen that I would never get married.  I would at most have a live in boyfriend with a backup just in case.

I carried all of these fears into my marriage and oh the devastation it caused.  I didn’t even notice what was happening.  I remember one day being in the kitchen and I just began to cry. “God why did you place these three people under my care?  I’m such a failure.  I never wanted a family and you totally rearranged my life!  Look at the mess I’ve created.”  I received the most gentle reply as I walked to the table and opened the bible.  I had never seen the scripture before, but I had to go sit down after reading Psalm 68:6.

My tears of frustration turned into tears of gratitude.  He had connected two of the most lonely people, my husband and myself, across an ocean.  My husband had said prayer for a family far away from Nigeria.  On my end I had a five-year old telling me his house was supposed to have a daddy that lived there with us.  My youngest son is a handful!  My husband found my match.com profile.  I can only laugh at how all of this happened.  You live long enough to be able to recognize divine intervention when it happens because you go around in a daze asking if what occurred really happened the way it did.

As I sat on the couch, I realized that God had blessed me with children and a husband so that I would know what unconditional love felt like and all I did was complain about it.  Months ago in a soaking worship service I had a vision of myself as a child.  I was in a pit in a white dress turning in circles.  I was searching for someone to love me, but no one ever came.  Although I was in this pit, there was the brightest light all around me and the most beautiful lawn.  God whispered to me, “You will never have to search for love like that again.”  Have you ever been totally wrecked with gratitude?  I needed so many kleenex that evening.  It was an epic day for healing a very deep hurt that I had carried for decades.  I hurt my family because I was broken and hurting.  I have sense learned you should enter into marriage a whole person.  My husband and I had no pre-marital counseling, but lots of issues that should have been discussed.

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Cracked Vessels

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, depression, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Relationships, Separation

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I have two options for Wednesdays. Writer’s group or yoga class. Each group serves a different need to connect with others. Even if I sit quietly as introverts do, I find short reprieves that make me very grateful.

It’s the third day of picking myself up and trying again. I know Jesus has all my pieces in his hands. I know eventually it will be ok. There are some helping now with the pieces. Most go. Hoping for those who will see a reason to stay.