Category: mental health

Overcoming Fear

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, mental health, Relationships, Separation

I became acquainted with fear as a child observing my mother and other family members.  I observed that because they were afraid of doing most anything our family tended to have the same outcomes.  This observation greatly shaped the adult I would become.

I would acquire an extreme fear of committment.  If I could redo about two decades of relationships I would.  Bad choices left layers of pain.  As a youth, I developed the idea that marriage was evil.  I saw nothing good in it.  Marriage created siblings that meant extra responsibilities.  More work for my mother.  Arguments over adult issues and the list goes on and on.  I decided by the time I became a teen that I would never get married.  I would at most have a live in boyfriend with a backup just in case.

I carried all of these fears into my marriage and oh the devastation it caused.  I didn’t even notice what was happening.  I remember one day being in the kitchen and I just began to cry. “God why did you place these three people under my care?  I’m such a failure.  I never wanted a family and you totally rearranged my life!  Look at the mess I’ve created.”  I received the most gentle reply as I walked to the table and opened the bible.  I had never seen the scripture before, but I had to go sit down after reading Psalm 68:6.

My tears of frustration turned into tears of gratitude.  He had connected two of the most lonely people, my husband and myself, across an ocean.  My husband had said prayer for a family far away from Nigeria.  On my end I had a five-year old telling me his house was supposed to have a daddy that lived there with us.  My youngest son is a handful!  My husband found my match.com profile.  I can only laugh at how all of this happened.  You live long enough to be able to recognize divine intervention when it happens because you go around in a daze asking if what occurred really happened the way it did.

As I sat on the couch, I realized that God had blessed me with children and a husband so that I would know what unconditional love felt like and all I did was complain about it.  Months ago in a soaking worship service I had a vision of myself as a child.  I was in a pit in a white dress turning in circles.  I was searching for someone to love me, but no one ever came.  Although I was in this pit, there was the brightest light all around me and the most beautiful lawn.  God whispered to me, “You will never have to search for love like that again.”  Have you ever been totally wrecked with gratitude?  I needed so many kleenex that evening.  It was an epic day for healing a very deep hurt that I had carried for decades.  I hurt my family because I was broken and hurting.  I have sense learned you should enter into marriage a whole person.  My husband and I had no pre-marital counseling, but lots of issues that should have been discussed.

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Sink Way Deep Down

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, depression, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, mental health, Relationships, Separation, Uncategorized

There has been such tragedies in the news over the last week. Momentum building with one story after another. Eric Garner strangled to death by choke hold. Michael Brown murdered in Ferguson. Robin Williams commits suicide because of depression. Two more black males murdered by law enforcement. People fleeing persecution in Iraq. I spent most of my week weeping for people I don’t even know.

I may never meet them, but I have prayed for them. My oldest son is 18. I tried to talk to him after the Michael Brown tragedy, but I honestly could barely find words. The picture I had seen of the mother brought my breath to a halt. Only a photograph can capture that level of agony. I carried that image in my mind for days.

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Photo credit: Huy Mach

I’ve carried pain in my heart for months. Shifting it around, trying to lessen the load. Praying, breathing, meditating and stretching beyond my current self. There is a lot going on in my life. My marriage is still at a complete halt. I can at this moment say I’m neither married nor single. I live in question mark status. Nevertheless, I’m going to rely on the one who never changes. Jesus. He is trying to get me to be a better human through all of this. Pain causes you to grow.

 

I had decided to close my joint account last week and begin processing divorce in minuscule increments. Even that seemed to be too much. A text from my husband came at 5:45 a.m. Do not close the joint account. Translation is simple, we are not taking the first step towards divorce. I could only type ok.

I have read Proverbs 31 many times trying to figure out how to become this woman for my family. I have worked so hard on self-improvement over the last year. I’ve been waiting on my sons and husband to notice. For someone to call me blessed. My son called me crazy a few days ago. I really contemplated his one word description of me based on my past actions and it made me very sad.

I have been taking yoga classes every Sunday and Tuesday. It’s becoming something I need to do to start my week peacefully. Reflecting on all the violence stemmed from hatred in the news I placed my mat on the floor. I was praying for a scripture to focus on during the class. In front of me was a yogi that had a stone placed on her mat. I know that has to do with chakras and energy. Our instructor wanted to chant. I abstained, but I listened to the beautiful sound it made and it left me with a very good feeling. I have been dedicating my yoga practice to God healing myself and my family. So many different people and beliefs in one room and there was no hatred. Maybe some have life complications, but we all left it on the mat. I was the only brown person in the room, but I felt peace not fear.

Romans 14:9 – So let us try to do what makes peace and helps one another.

I honor each life experience. For experience teaches wisdom and we should never grow tired of learning. Every life has value. Every problem a solution. Your belief may be different from mine, but I serve a God of such an amazing love. I am going to do my very best to share this love with my family and whomever else I’m destined to encounter. I also believe we should love our planet and the animals that don’t speak human. Let your roots sink way deep down as storms will come from time to time. Like yogis you will find we have the ability to bend and not break.

I am very grateful for every person that took the time to pray for me and my family over the last year. I am thankful we are all here. I am thankful that I know God is no respector of persons. I am thankful that miracles can arise from the most horrific circumstances. I am thankful God restores the broken. Namaste.

Support Beams

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Inspiration, Marriage, mental health, Relationships, Separation

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On Wednesday I layed it all on the line via text message. The response I got was detached. Be brave and ask hard questions when you need answers. He said there were too many bad memories to save our marriage on Thursday. Thursday I said no more tears because I’ve given my best effort. Today I woke unsure of what direction my life is about to take. Forty and dating just doesn’t sound appealing. It’s gonna be ok though. I’ve come a long way baby and I’m not standing alone.

Don’t Wonder

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, depression, Faith, Inspiration, Marriage, mental health, Relationships, Separation

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Don’t wonder in the midst of trials. Pray. Don’t wonder about life. Explore. Write your own story mistakes and all. Just don’t sit on the sidelines watching life pass you by like automatic scenes through a viewfinder.

Take pauses to enjoy gifts, friends and occassions. Take time to feel pain, love, joy or whatever it is you are brave enough to feel. Going to the edge and letting your toes dangle requires courage. Do not shut off your emotions and feel nothing. That’s simply emptiness.

Fill your vessel with life and let it overflow. Don’t wonder if you’re doing it right. Just try. Take baby steps if you must. Be repetative if necessary. It is your practice. It is your journey.

Don’t wonder about where it is you’re going. Let the journey lead you to your destiny. Be surprised along the way. Make memories. Cherish those worth cherishing and release those who are not. Be grateful for those you release because they still served a purpose on your journey.

Don’t wonder. Have faith. Believe with your heart in your divine purpose. Connect with your soul. Be aware and not scattered. Be strong and brave. Do not run or hide from stumbling blocks along your path. Warriors fight for truth. Find your truth. Discover the beauty in being yourself in spite of mental, physical or emotional challenges. Be free to embrace all of yourself. Don’t wonder. Just be.

Today I took a three hour workshop combining yoga and writing. This was something I wrote to encourage myself. I drove to the studio listening to Ed Sheeran crying. What to do when you have a child breaking your heart with bad life choices? For now I can only breathe, bend, pray and write.

Divine Curveballs

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, mental health, Relationships

I ignored the knock at the door like always. My son refuses to select better friends so I just ignore them in the same manner I ignore the daily heartbreak of his constant bad choices. The knocking became more urgent so I finally opened the door. The one thing that I felt in my spirit would happen and had been praying against had finally occurred.

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I had been thrown a divine curveball. I could let panic and anxiety overtake me as before, or I could exercise faith and trust at this critical moment.

I called. He’s not in the system. That takes hours, possibly tell midnight. I sat. I tossed and turned. As I woke before sunset, I thought Lord I’m not ready to hear out loud what I know. Give me one more hour. I checked my devotional and it was titled Turning Attitude Into Gratitude. http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/turning-attitude-into-grattitude/

Psalm 112:7 – They won’t be afraid of bad news; their hearts are steady cause they trust the Lord.

Today Jesus swooped down and saved me. I sat in the back of the courtroom. I watched mothers wiping tears from their eyes. I watched inmate after inmate be brought before the judge. I heard heartwrenching mental health cases. I saw my son in orange and I cried. Silent tears because I couldn’t express loud anguish in a courtroom. A scripture and a prior yoga class was providing enough counterweight to keep me steady.

Earth literally crumbled beneath my feet. I discovered I just had to rest in the palm of my creator’s hand. My reaction wasn’t what I expected of myself. Eerily calm. I am usually barking out orders fueled by adrenaline during crisises. Instead I just sat still, staring at a wall. I can no longer direct the actions of those in my life. They have choices to make as do I.

I feel distanced from my husband and son as I try to make better life choices. Spiritual obedience and a need for peace are my primary motivators. Constant dysfunction was having such a negative effect on my family. It crumbled, but new things can be built from ruins. I hope to reconnect with my son who has been living in a self-inflicted prison for the last four years. Mental prison or physical prison, which is worse? As his head lay in my lap for the first time in forever, I took a deep breath and prayed for the wisdom to parent the right way. I prayed for the strength to remain calm and be supportive.

It’s the last inning. Bases are loaded. I have two strikes. Heaven waits for my reaction as the curve ball is speeding towards home plate. I close my eyes and whisper I will not be afraid when I hear bad news because all things work together for the good for those who love the Lord. I remember Joseph and Daniel as I steady my hands to swing the bat. Simple choices in this moment will determine the future’s trajectory. Swing batter batter swing!

In the Moment

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, mental health, Relationships, Separation, Uncategorized

I had no plans after dropping my sons off at their destinations. The easiest choice would have been to take my usual place on the couch and watch HGTV. This has been my Saturday routine for months. Today I grabbed my new journal and headed for Barnes and Noble. I’ve spent too many hours absorbing home remodeling shows. I will never be able to complete an extreme home makeover no matter what my Bob the Builder voice keeps telling me.

Bookstore with Starbucks included. This is my happy place! I can think here, resting in the over-sized green chair. Sunlight warms the back of my neck and I just am. I very seldom take pause moments. I have a need to stay busy. I think business is one of my avoidance techniques. It allows me to avoid overthinking my problems. I am that girl that can give you multiple plans for any complication. Analyze life from every direction. I like to know the steps to the entire path before the journey begins. Will my therapist ever be able to help me hurdle this obstacle?

What would I love to avoid right now? I have no clue how to interact with my husband right now. It’s either awkward or angry. This mess seems irreparable, but we keep holding on. I have only one logical answer for this. Some part of both of our hearts remembers how much it loves the other. It remembers that solemn vows were made years ago on a hot Nigerian day. It remembers loving over time and distance and the longest immigration battle.

My heart remembers the exact moment I got cold feet while waiting for our turn to be married. I can easily find my way back to that time. I gave him a look and mumbled a few words. My mind was racing. What have I done? I have really lost it! Everyone is right, I am crazy. There are chickens walking around everywhere, the irony! He simply took my hand and pressed his forehead to mine and assured me that everything would be okay.

I remember that feeling. It was strange. Safety and complete trust in another person. Recently my husband had an epiphany of sorts. I held my breath during the conversation. The person I married was back! He promised this marriage was going to get better. He just didn’t stay long and we’re right back at worse.

You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens. – Rumi

Sometimes you just have to be in the moment and know it’s okay. Seek wisdom and peace during these times. I don’t know everything. I can’t control everything. I can only consciously pause and search for the best me and share that person. I can stare down adversity with hope. I can address hatred with love, even if I have to grit my teeth. I can share my unconventional life. Sometimes you have to clench hope with both fists to keep going. If one person gets to witness my miracle, whatever it ends up to be, it will all be worth it.

The Power of Choice

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, depression, Faith, Inspiration, Marriage, mental health, Relationships, Separation

This morning was just like any other. I got ready for work listening to the Tom Joyner Morning Show. This show starts my days with laughter five days a week. I walked into beaming sunshine, closed the car door and my eyes began to tear up.

I had no idea why I was about to have a serious meltdown in my driveway. I call these Eyore days. Eyore is just depressed no matter what. I considered that I was not wearing waterproof mascara and decided today was not a great day to lose it for unknown reasons.

This is what battling depression is like for me. One minute your laughing the next you’re pulling kleenex like an automated machine. My view on this is its a spiritual condition with natural symptoms. Others may have a different view and my American self is totally ok with that. I value diversity and believe in everyone’s right to have an opinion.

I made a choice this morning to be happy instead. I had to keep repeating the joy of the Lord is my strength. I had to smile. I had to declare it was going to be a great day. This is how I chose to direct my day. Choices have power. My day had some hiccups. Sadness tried to win the arm wrestle, but my choice to be happy was the victor.

Millions suffer with depression. I was blessed to work at the Mental Health Association of Virginia many years ago. I got the job after having a nervous breakdown. I know that during this phase of my life I really needed to be on medication. Getting up every day was a serious struggle. However, my family was not in support of meds. Meds and therapy equal crazy to black people.

I got to work around persons with all types of  mental illnesses. I got to hear the stories they shared. I got to develop a plan to raise money for this important cause. I lobbied our state legislature. This experience was one I’ll never forget. I learned about God’s compassion and concern for me. I was divinely placed amongst people I could draw strength from. They made daily choices to be strong.

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I chose to share a smile via social media today, because you never know who may need one. Your choices could be helping someone. This is why I blog. I simply want to share a positive outlook no matter my circumstances. Smiles are contagious. Be sure to pass one along!