Blogging requires a transparency that’s not for the faint of heart. My heart seems to need life support today.
I look at my son and see my little boy, but he’s actually a rebellious 20 year old. He’s got my smile, his dad’s eyes and was the most respectful kid growing up. He never gave me much trouble and then high school happened. Friends changed and so did my son. It’s been the hardest six years and I’m exhausted today.
I had a dream my son would go so far into darkness that there would be nothing I could do to save him. It’s pitch black now and pending criminal charges have rendered me helpless. I’ve had to cling to the promise that God said he would be watching over him for the last six years. I never imagined it would get this bad.
I tend to hold onto those I love. I will do anything to keep them from suffering even if it means harm to myself. I was driving home from work the other day and Jesus asked me why I kept trying to do his job and save everyone. I said I didn’t really know, but it was making me tired. Very tired and days were becoming filled with anxiety that I couldn’t shake. He simply said let them go. So I did.
The wound is the place where light enters you. ~Rumi
My wonderful Haitain had set in his mind that no other woman would hurt him like the one he divorced. I dreamed water was uncontrollably flooding the room we were in and I couldn’t stop it. I looked at him in the dream and he had a whole through his navel. I awoke and told him something has deeply wounded your spirit and his eyes began to fill with tears, but he said nothing. I can’t pay for sins I did not commit so I let go. My son doesn’t want to change his associations so I let go. His associations could very well land him in jail. My youngest son watches my heart get broken by others and tries very much so to encourage me.
Today I thought about light. That I would choose light and not remain in the darkness flooding my life. I’m trying to get over the hurt of another break up that I don’t understand. I have God and yoga. I have the peace that passes all understanding and an infinite love. This to shall pass.
God has chosen you and made you his holy people. He loves you. So you should always clothe yourselves with mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other, and forgive each other. If someone does wrong to you, forgive that person because the Lord forgave you. Even more than all this, clothe yourself in love. Love is what holds you all together in perfect unity. – Colossians 3:12-14
Isaiah 55:8 -“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.”
I have not blogged here in quite awhile. So much has been happening in my life. Some amazingly great things and some things that take divine strength to keep going. Sometimes life’s balance of events can be very intetesting. Through everything I pray and do yoga.
I remembered that I stripped religion down to one word, love, because all that other BS just wasn’t working for me. I remembered feeling what God’s love for me felt like in a therapy session. I almost fainted as it got stronger and stronger. I have no words to describe this love. I don’t even know if as a human I can replicate it. I remembered my 2015 search for peace and finding that through my yoga practice.
Life got unconventional for me last year. I have rose quartz in my window and spend more time in headstands than in church, yet I feel closer to God than ever. Like many, probably millions, I had him in a box. I thought I knew what he would act like blah blah blah until my life was greatly impacted by the above scripture. I asked myself if I was crazy, but I feel sane.
I sat for months waiting on God to fix an irreparable marriage. God sat for months waiting on me to pay attention to the women he kept placing in my path. He even sent one from Nigeria that I love dearly. I still kept waiting.
I would walk Bruno and just question out loud, Abba who is going to love me and this crazy puppy? I was to scared to begin a divorce process because the women in my family that have gotten divorced seem to end up alone for long periods of time. My mind reasoned it was better to hold onto a dead relationship than face that outcome.
Out of the clear blue meetup.com sky a Haitian appeared. Honestly I thought Satan had sent him lol. Life became to happy all of a sudden. I spent so much time in prayer and journaling because my brain couldn’t understand what was happening.
Soaking prayer is my go to activity for when I really want a clear answer from God. Things moved so fast with the Haitain that I was leary of entering a room full of prophets and intercessors. You don’t have to say anything for them to know your life activities lol.
It was a Saturday, and the preacher said, “You have already been healed from the broken relationship. You just needed to be strengthened. You put yourself in a bondage God never intended for you to be in and you’re being set free because someone else needs your gift of love.” That pretty much answered my questions about the guy I’m dating.
As we lay on the floor praying, Jesus took me to a grave. He placed the word marriage in it and buried it. I wept. I sobbed. I let go. He then took me to a river and baptized me over and over again saying we’d keep going until I was filled with hope. He said he had sent that man into my life to break the fall I needed to take so I would file for divorce. That he had had enough of watching me suffer and to go be happy.
What love is this? I don’t know. Almost six months later I’m still amazed. Happy has become exuberant. My 2015 search for the cultivation of peace in my life was an answer to his prayer. He had been searching for a place where he felt peace. I thought I was cultivating something for myself last year.
If I could say anything right now, it would be have no expectations of how God will accomplish things in your life and live without limits. Sometimes it’s going to be so damn hard. Other times it’s going to be so amazing your daily mantra will have to be to not be afraid of happiness. Life is a journey. Travel well.
I can say over the course of this year that I have put all my heart and soul into being grateful no matter what my circumstances. It has not always been easy. There have been many nights that I cried in between trying to sleep. There have been days where I locked myself in my office because I couldn’t hold it together while at work. I would just randomly cry. Wanting someone to return even a small portion of love you are trying to give them and not get anything in return is so hard. I remember telling my mom one day that I hadn’t asked for much other than time. Spending time with me was something I had begged for, but really never received. Even after making that my number one item on our new marriage contracts I still didn’t get it.
You eventually just feel this blackness start to overtake you. You fight like hell to not get lost in this blackness, but it just becomes so hard. I looked up and had nothing but ashes. I didn’t understand why really. I just knew that I had again lost myself trying to jump through every hoop to make him happy. For months I’ve just worked on me and accepting my new life. I tried on words like separation and divorce like new clothes. If they didn’t fit that day I didn’t force it. I had to look in the mirror and say out loud I choose not to love you because you choose not to love me. I had to remind myself that I was loveable. God sent people that wanted to physically shake me to ask Kathryn can you see yourself? Can you see your worth? I would just look at them and nod in agreement.
I’ve spent months with the puppy. Months and months. I didn’t complain. I just chose to be grateful. If a human didn’t want to spend time with me Bruno did. This was my life. Then the axis shifted an eclipse occurred and I emerged into this newness.
Psalm 30:5 ~ ….Crying may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning.
I’ve not had any expectations for meeting anyone new. I was just trying to master living. I was trying to find happiness in any circumstance. I was practicing yoga on and off the mat. Out of nowhere what I had begged for for years was given to me within a matter of days. Someone who was so happy to spend all of his free time with me. Honestly I wanted to run far and fast. It’s been scary. I keep asking myself is this really happening. Does he really like doing things that are important to me. He even loves Bruno! It’s like I’m in some sort of dream that I keep expecting to wake up from. I expected him to go as quickly as he came and I said self just be grateful that yesterday happened. Then came another day and another and another. The days have yet to end.
This week he’s shared in two things that I really love doing. Things that have brought me peace during the worst days. Hiking and my spiritual journaling class. Today I woke up with an overflowing heart. I realized I had a squad! I have supportive people surrounding me saying Kathryn be happy you deserve happiness. Hiking Humpback Rock in Waynesboro.
Yesterday I hiked a mountain. I cursed all the way up the mountain LOL and he was right by my side with water for breaks and a supportive hand or words. He lead when I needed him to lead. He stopped if I couldn’t breathe and he made sure I made it to the top. We made it to the top together with some friends that I’ve been blessed to come into my life. They all helped me make it to the top. I drove into work crying today because I remember what happy feels like. I could only say thank you Jesus. I’ve been trying to find better words all day today, but that’s all I got. Thank you for blessing me.
Anxiety set in because who actually has this happen to them? Surely not me! He’s even foreign and chocolate! Like seriously where does this happen? This song resides in my heart and spirit today. Jesus you are so good to me! I don’t know what tomorrow may bring, but I thank you for the break in the clouds.
Each morning like millions of others I’m on social media. I can’t seem to break the habit of starting my day like this. I have been trying for some time to begin my day with prayer, meditation or exercise. It most always starts with Facebook followed by Instagram.
This morning I wandered over to Pinterest and searched scriptures for hope. I have a board called inspiration.
I pinned this to my board this morning. The struggle is very real with doubt for me. It makes it very hard to trust my decisions because I’m always second guessing everything. This can cause me to start spinning out of control in anxiety.
Recently I dreamed my husband came to me and told me he was sorry. He was hugging me in that dream and I could literally feel his embrace. I woke up extremely rattled because I haven’t touched him in months. I being who I am wanted a microscopic analysis of this occurrance. Jesus what does this mean? I heard nothing so doubt kicked in with all its negative voices. He’s not sorry. You’re crazy. When are you going to do something? Blah blah blah. I could not get to the soaking prayer service fast enough! I went in like a spy trying to determine who could help settle my mind. We were instructed to ask God to give us a vision beyond the door. I prayed to see beyond the door.
I then saw Jesus open a door. I was afraid to go beyond the door. Not knowing what was waiting for me I froze in fear. As I stood in the doorway a brick path appeared and we began to walk. I’m trying to remain calm and not freak out because my questions were about being married. Trees began to appear everywhere and the brick path went down the middle.
The trees you see represent an abundance of life. You have been holding on for so long. Even at times clinging to hope. I am opening the door to an abundant life. A beautiful life. A joyous life. A plentiful life.
I have you on the path to freedom not only for yourself, but I am calling you to set the captives free. Set them free Kathryn with your words. Use your words. The power of life and death is in the tongue. Give the captives life.
I did not doubt the voice of God. I did not doubt his presence.
On Sunday I went to the altar for prayer. Ironically the sermon had been on marriage, which went along with a book on marriage I’m reading. I confessed to the woman praying for me that my marriage was in ashes and I was tired of clinging to hope. She prayed as I stood in betwixt doubt and hope. Just that Friday I had decided to give up hoping, so I found this sermon very ironic. I hadn’t been to church in weeks and the Sunday I go the sermon is on marriage. Note, if it’s ironic, a little weird, perhaps even insane by your standards it’s likely a God thing.
James 1 speaks very clearly on doubt. Expect to receive nothing because doubtful persons are unstable in everything. I’m really trying to use this second marriage crisis to grow even more as an individual. I’ve recently started parenting classes. I’m reading Love and Respect. I seriously failed in the respect area, but realize my behavior was tied to the lack of love I was receiving. I realize all the damage my sometimes harsh criticism has caused to my family because I felt unloved. I don’t completely blame myself for this horrible mess, but do accept responsibility for my actions.
So here I stand not knowing what the future holds, but knowing that God is merciful and his grace covers all my mistakes. Knowing that I can be a better person. I can find rest in hope. After all trouble don’t last always. Never give up on yourself or your dreams!
On August 24, 2015 I walked into a room of teaching artists. I was attending a poetry workshop taught by Glenis Redmond. I wish all Mondays started like this! She had sprayed the room with rose water. Artists are eccentric so I noticed colors, jewelry, clothing, voice tones, presence. You name it I noticed it. I was on sensory overload and it was heaven!
I have been trying to live with great effort, but felt very dead in my job. I am a creative and most definitely in the minority. I’m most often misunderstood and perceived as too emotional. I would describe the work environment as rigid and toxic. It is very hard to function in these working conditions as a creative. Sometimes I literally can’t think.
So I prayed. Dear God please rescue me from this horrible place. Am I finished laying the foundation? Why do I have to be on lock down if I feel like I’m spiritually dying?! Let me out of here before I lose it. Reorganization has people tripping. Do you see this mess?! So on and so forth. It is ok if you do not pray what are considered to be normal prayers. It’s like there is a heavenly translator if you’re like me. Perhaps they even bleep out cuss words lol.
Several months ago God had told me to strengthen the foundation. It’s very hard when your job is literally a spiritual assignment and you’re working for people that don’t know the purpose of you being there. Many may not even care. I walk public housing communities five days a week. That’s a heavy weight. Despair, poverty, lack of education, bad parenting, addiction among so many other negative things invade my world five days a week. Sometimes more if we have events. Sometimes I don’t know which problem to work on and I just sit at my desk looking out the window at people I want to scream at. What the hell is your problem? Where the hell is Iyanla? Jesus help me it’s too much? I feel overwhelmed. I feel dead. It’s hard to breathe.
I watched a NPR video with my boss that showed an English teacher using rap to teach his class. That was like someone giving me CPR. I said self you can do that with poetry. My speech is to proper for rap lol. My team is designing an after school program that will focus on math and literature. It occurred to me that creativity had to be the main component in designing the program.
And then there was the best two days of my year with some amazing people! Day one began with being introduced to praise poetry. Glenis said Nigerians were the chief scribes of this west African poetry. I sat up straight in my chair and perked up like my puppy does when he’s listening closely for something. “Lord did you hear her say Nigerian? What is about to happen?” She then explained she had traced herself back to Nigeria and Cameroon. I raised my hand and explained I had gone to Nigeria and gotten married and found it interesting that I was now about to learn their poetry. She said, “you are here for spiritual reasons also.” I knew she was right.
With teaching artists and Glenis Redmond
I soaked in every moment like a sponge. My breaths expanding. Becoming aware of my heart beating. Being allowed to feel anything I wished and share that with others. It was so great not to have an unfair expectation of being a robot as a burden! We read, wrote, shared and cried over and over. It was liberating! I was allowed to create with no boundaries.
I woke up the next day praying. God why did you allow this awesome woman to invade my space?
Kathryn you needed confirmation and I sent her to confirm your identity. There is nothing wrong with you. Not even your marriage choice. You are ok.
Selfie with Glenis Redmond
At the end of day two several of us thanked Glenis for bringing us back to life. We were literally the walking dead. Even now tears spill from my eyes as gratitude for this experience fills my heart. I now have an artist statement, praise poem and a literacy activity schedule. I am ready to help kids on our properties!
Yesterday I found a scripture about comfort. I told Glenis I would blog my experience as soon as I found the scripture to complete it. This blog is my open book to those in the universe that would care to read it. I can’t put into words how awesome my father is. He is more than God to me he is Abba. He ambushed me with the most wonderful two days that erased weeks of twilight zone funk.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 – All praise to God the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.
May my words bring you comfort and peace. Creativity is the way out of captivity. Use your right brain and visualize a better outcome. Perhaps you too will be ambushed.
A couple of mornings back I decided to stop and start my day journaling. I’m always yapping with God, but often do not take time to sit still and listen for answers or instructions.
My thoughts fell on the last six months of my life and I realized I’m thriving. I sat and began to say things that were prospering in the midst of personal turmoil. Two separations back to back can destroy even the strongest of warriors. Putting all your hope and love into someone and a marriage that crumbles back to back is hard to recover from. As I realized that most often die in a desert experience, gratitude filled my heart and tears began to flow down my cheeks. Death can come in many forms: unforgiveness, bitterness, anger, the need for revenge, depression and the list could go on and on.
The flip side of that for me is saying this is my life situation. I am not the cause of it. I am entitled to learn something to grow me as a human that will inspire someone else. I have the right to get up and live. With public housing kids at National Night Out
My thriving list:
1. There is laughter, love and peace flowing through my home. Everyone is experiencing a personal struggle, but my kids and I have these things to be grateful for.
2. Bruno is always happy to see me.
3. The works of my hands are blessed! I pray this prayer at my desk sometimes, God bless the works of my hands. I feel like King Midas at work right now lol.
4. I got accepted into a program to teach fitness classes. Training is kicking my butt, but I’m focused on those that don’t have access to fitness and how I can help them. I will soon be giving free classes to public housing residents! I get to share my story of battling depression with fitness.
5. My bills are paid and we have shelter and food. Amen!
6. God pours his love into my life even when I’m not thinking about it.
7. I’m not depressed. Loneliness creeps up on me some days. I am very grateful for Bruno’s puppy kisses at those times lol.
8. I am inspiring others. Whoa really! I wonder about these people lol, but I’m thankful to be a living testimony.
This is just a small list. I hope if you find yourself reading this in a desert experience you will make your own list. You may not have perfect circumstances. I definitely don’t. I’ve again lost my best friend. Sometimes life knocks you flat on your ass like that. However, if you’re reading this you’re alive so get up and live. Even if you have to do so in small time increments. I used to plan years ahead, but I literally at one point had to take myself down to one hour at a time.
Psalm 71:20-21- You have allowed me to suffer much hardship, but you will restore me to life again and lift me up from the depths of the earth. You will restore me to even greater honor and comfort me once again.
May we grow through adversity and rise like mountains. Amen
I started a spiritual journaling class at the Chrysalis Institute two months ago. This has become a much needed activity in a safe and comforting space. We are given a theme and we all journey to wherever it takes us.
This month the theme was pilgrimages. A pilgrimage is a transformative journey to the sacred center. We were asked what journey had a profound impact on us and why. What sacred discoveries were there on this journey?
I chose my trip to Nigeria of course. I viewed this trip as a spiritually arranged marriage. You have to make up something as you fly across the ocean to marry someone you’re meeting in person for the first time right? Lol.
My sacred discovery was that God has been cultivating the fruits of the Spirit in my life. Love, joy, peace, long-suffering, patience and hope. I’m growing in all these areas in the most adverse circumstances.
I was not the best wife. I didn’t know how to be. I had to pray and let God show me how to be a wife. He is right smack in my sacred center. I had to learn to give forgiveness over and over. Even in instances where I truly wanted to act like a lunatic. Hello my name is Kathryn and I am working on anger. It conflicts with my yoga practice.
I look at myself now a decade later and am happy I’m not the same person. I have been freed from fear and anxiety. I don’t want to live that way it’s a miserable life. Sadness sometimes wins the battle, but I’m calling victory in the war.
My discovery is I am worthy of love. I can give tremendous amounts of love in return. Giving makes your life brim over with fulness. I never contemplated importance of forgiveness before. I would just omit people from my life. But this is my husband. I’m trying so hard to move forward and forget the person who was my best friend. Forget hopes, dreams and promises. I haven’t quite figured it out. If I give you my word there is no reason in my mind to break it.
For better or worse. Til death do us part. I do take you to be my husband.
So I think I’m on a journey to wholeness. Broken people just can’t do much. My assistant captured this photo of me at an event. I really had wanted my husband to be there, but before today I hadn’t seen him in months. After today I’m not expecting that to change. This picture made me cry, because that’s pure happy. I’m not faking anything. I was just happy. I was so grateful to see myself this happy. Joyful
We may not know the destination of pilgrimages in our lives, but there will always be the opportunity to learn and grow as a human. May you be deep rooted in all things blessed. Life is too short to be consumed with anger, bitterness and unforgiveness. Journey well.
I recently attended a, seminar at my church, Fighting Back With Joy, by author Margaret Feinberg. Joy was not even on my radar, but I just felt like I should go. My whole thought process has been focused on gratitude. I’ve been trying so hard to make this an every day component of my life even if all I write down every day is the dog and my two sons. Armies don’t go into battle with one type of weapon though. That would be insane! There are more weapons! Not discounting gratitude of course, I think it has added another dimension of peace to my life. But then there’s the epic battle with depression, you need joy to fight great sadness.
Galatians 5:22-23 – But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control. There is no law against these things.
I went to the seminar alone. I don’t have friends to call up and say hey wanna hang out. I think the drama of a bad marriage caused me to lose the ones I had. It’s really hard listening to a person’s suffering on a daily basis. I tried not to be Debbie Downer, but you have friends to vent to right? I most definitely should have used my imagination to give conversational details about my every day life. I miss one friend a hell of a lot, she always made me laugh and she had a cat that I would go pet for eternity on really bad days. So what do you do when you lose your very limited quantity of friends? You pray for new ones that will be able to relate to your circumstances, otherwise everyone will keep dropping you like a bad habit.
I have met three women recently who can relate. I met the newest one at the church event. She was on a pursuit for joy. She shared her story, which was worse than my own, with a smile. I must say she was a beautiful soul and I was thankful that God was still answering my prayer. Even for something as small as having someone to enjoy breaks with for the evening.
I learned some very important things about how to fight with joy. The author was diagnosed with cancer and she shared how she had researched joy for an entire year, because that was her weapon to fight cancer. She was a great comedian! There was so much laughter during her presentation. Laughter feels so much better than crying.
So how do you load, aim and shoot joy at what knocks the breath out of you?
1. Poke holes in the darkness with laughter. Overcome despair and doubt with gratitude. Draw a line in your life and surround yourself with nontoxic people. So you may get kicked to the curb like I did if others in your life are doing this lol. Don’t take it personal!
Proverbs 17:22 ~ A cheerful heart is good medicine.
2. Remain suspicious God is up to something good.
Genesis 50:20 ~ You meant to hurt me, but God turned your evil into good to save the lives of many people, which is being done now.
I blog to purge my heart and soul of the tremendous amount of pain weighing me down. I need to be set free. We all know the divorce rate in this country is extremely high. That was one reason I chose to fly across an ocean and marry into a culture where divorce is pretty much not an option. I have no clue what my husband’s problem is, but it required me to shift my focus. It required me to say Lord what are you trying to teach me through this horrible experience? If I hadn’t been mistreated I wouldn’t have gone in search of the depths of God’s love. I was only experiencing surface love prior to all this marriage hell. Jesus showed up one day with an empty present and he gave it to me. He told me to put all the pain in the empty box so he could exchange it with his love. He said that was his primary purpose in my life. When I handed the box back, he began to send waves one at a time of his love. I was only able to physically withstand seven waves. I felt I was about to faint right in the therapist’s office. All I could ask is what kind of love is this? It’s too much. He took my pain that day and walked away with it. I have not been the same since. It is impossible to remain the same after such an experience.
3. Help others fight back with joy.
Be compassionate. Suffer with someone.
Be calm. Broken people don’t need you to fix them.
Be constructive. Ask them what they need.
Be consistent. Commit to be there for the long haul.
Be confessional. Ask God how to pray.
Our last act that evening was to release red balloons into the air to shift our focus from our problems up to God. I must confess at times I go back and forth with this. I’m determined to keep getting up after every fall until I learn to quit taking my problems back after prayer. I know my prayers are being heard. Oh the struggles of becoming a reformed control freak lol. Red balloons were the symbol of joy for the author.
So what weapons did you go into battle with? Anger, fear, depression, loneliness, despair. Trust me those weapons are useless. They will leave you crippled. The fruits of the Spirit are so much more effective. It’s like learning to operate at a Navy seal level versus that of a private. We all know that training is really going to kick your ass on a daily. But you come through it with things you didn’t even know you had. Buying Margaret's book. Don't we look joyful?!
My last sentence is borrowed from another author. Choose your weapons wisely and follow the divine instructions and I’ll see you on the other side.
God whispers to us in our pleasures, but he shouts to us in our pain. ~ C.S. Lewis
Psalm 51:10 – Create in me a pure heart God, and make my spirit right again.
Ever had to pray that scripture over and over again? I have. Your heart can be consumed with so many negative emotions from what happens in your life. Anger, bitterness and strife are just a few things that can poison your heart and spirit. My sin of choice tends to be anger.
April 11, 2015 I went to church. A prophet I had studied under before was in town. I had no intention of praying for my marriage. I considered that situation hopeless for many reasons. I spent most of the service praying for my oldest son. He seems to have forgotten his upbringing. I currently am still waiting for my child to return to his body and senses!
The speaker stopped preaching and said there are two homes here that are in trouble raise your hands. Well that was a no brainer so I raised my entire arm. Only one hand. Prophet repeats there are two people. He’s looking for the second person. I eventually have both arms in the air and am myself looking for the second person. I was becoming very embarrassed. I wasn’t even praying about this! Finally my former mentor got a microphone and told another woman it was also her marriage God was putting in the spotlight. Hallelujah! I could finally put my hands down! He looked at us and said, “God said do not worry about your marriages he will give you restitution. ”
I’m driving home repeating this word. Saying what just happened. Of course I knew the meaning of restitution, but my brain was not accepting the prophetic word. I went straight to dictionary.com, but the prophet had given a spiritual meaning while preaching.
Restitution – In a season of restitution God will have to restore everything you lost in an immature state.
So I should have been breakdancing right? Yeah, that’s so not what I did. Restore, restore, restore. I kept pacing and saying the word out loud. I got angrier and angrier. Finally anger spilled from my heart out of my mouth. “Jesus who the hell is supposed to give this restitution?! Do you not see what he’s done to me?”
Not your typical Christian prayer. Nope nope nope. Exit blog if you’re looking for the fake holy roller type. Now I DO NOT recommend praying in this manner at all for the record. I went to therapy demanding an explanation from the therapist. I went to yoga and tried to leave the anger on the mat. However, in deep relaxation God gave me a vision that screamed mercy for my husband. Now I had a prophetic word plus a vision.
Lord have mercy! It was just too much and in true black girl fashion hand went to hip, finger went up in the air, body roll plus shift and I was like really Jesus. I’m done! I’m so over it!
Eventually I just felt lost. I hate not having direction on what I should do. My hell raising, rebellious days ended years ago. One too many spiritual whoopings. Lol. I went to a soaking prayer service with journal in hand ready to write what thus saith the Lord. Ms. Shirley came by and kissed my forehead. She said, “God says he loves you and you are his daughter. There is nothing too hard for him and he will never leave you. Just give it to him and leave it. Ask him for what you want. Trust him.”
My problem was now compounded. Not only was I still angry, but I also had lost trust in God because this was pretty much what he said during the first separation and things had again fallen apart again. Sorry Jesus no deal! I will keep my anger and distrust this whole situation is shady.
I lay there crying. I wrote a prayer in my journal, but I didn’t directly ask for anything concerning my family. It took every breath and thought I had to trust God the first time. You can lose your mind when you know your spouse is dating and God says do nothing. That’s some serious heartbreak.
I did so much yoga trying to work through this message. So many asanas and still had the same problem. God finally said he would be silent until I was no longer angry.
May 22, 2015. I return to soaking prayer. Anger and unforgiveness has got to go cause WWJD is the question at hand! I hike near water to clear my mind. I love water and its calming affect. Hiking along the James river.
So if you’re a logical left brain worshipper here is where I’m about to ditch you. I used to be one of those kind myself. Attending a life altering workshop on worshipping with your right brain by Mark Virkler changed my life. I shall never return!
I stood with Jesus under a waterfall. We walked on river rocks. He knows I go to water and woods for peace and clarity. He placed his hand on my heart and I saw an electric current go through his arm to my heart. Jesus asked if I was ready to take some cleansing breaths so I said sure. He said breathe until it’s gone. I tried my best not to sound like Darth Vader in a prayer service, but you have to make that sound. Otherwise they’re not cleansing breaths. I inhaled air and exhaled anger and unforgiveness. Sweet freedom! I saw such a beautiful picture of myself.
You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens. ~ Rumi
Heart openers are some of my favorite poses. Above all I want a heart that overflows in God’s love. Perhaps you also have heart issues and could use a waterfall and river rock experience. It’s very easy to find God. All you need is prophetic soaking music (YouTube has great songs), journal and pen. It’s not so easy to find healing after being hurt in a relationship, but it is possible. Live your best life. You only get one on this side of eternity.
My friend said my life is like a Tyler Perry movie. I must say I think he’s right because you can’t even make up the stuff that happens to me. In spite of it all I chose to smile today. I took the dog that my husband walked out on for two walks. I did yard work and some yoga. Most importantly I prayed.
There are a few people in my life that are sticking with me through the craziness. I love and appreciate them so much! Today’s events were borderline crazy as far as marriage drama. What’s done in the dark always comes to light.
Yesterday the Holy Spirit told me I would see my husband at the library. Today it happened. I must again reflect on God’s love for me even through the pure hell I’m going through I know this love. My husband doesn’t want me to know his address. I also endured this during the first separation. I cried for weeks driving up and down streets of multiple cities, but God kept me. He kept me from completely falling apart.
I watched my husband drive away with my staff through library windows. I’ll spare the Internet the crazy details. I decided to drive to my office rather than drive up and down streets. I pulled up behind a car with a license plate of TKIT2GOD. Take it to God. I just began to laugh. God is trying so hard to move me beyond worrying. I think I’ll just free fall into grace and peace.
I started my day with prayer and exercise. I felt myself coming out of the fog of depression that overshadows me. It changed my day.
There is a song by Kurt Carr called God Kept Me. It’s my testimony. Joy is sometimes so very hard to find, which makes it even more precious.
So I’m here today because he kept me. I’m alive today only because of his grace. God kept me. He kept me. God’s mercy held me close so I wouldn’t let go.
May the joy of the Lord be my strength and yours in abundance. Amen
The Unconventional Life 
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