Category: mindfulness

A Year of Lovely Days

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Faith, Hope, Inspiration, mental health, mindfulness, Relationships, Spirituality, Uncategorized

It’s been slightly over a year since my last blog. 2023 was beyond hard and I always try to find something inspirational to include in my writing here. Although I would’ve gladly chosen death last year over heartbreak here I am. Blame it on my dog.

Bruno makes life better!

Last year I wondered if it were harder to grieve someone who died versus someone who was alive. I still don’t know the answer. I tried to focus on what I was supposed to learn. I worked very closely with my shaman and other energy healers. Towards the end of the year I started EMDR therapy. I decided it was time for life to have a new narrative as far as my relationships.

We had to start with my critical need for safety, and I realized I had been in fight or flight since I was around seven. That was a serious revelation to process. I learned to cross my arms and tap my shoulders to bring my nervous system out of panic mode. Through shamanic healings, I learned my narrative needed to change from trying to save others from themselves so they would love me correctly. I had to watch people I loved more than anything self-destruct and do nothing. My need to control everything was tested way beyond my comfort zone. Magnesium and ashwaganda were my lifeline. I had to learn I can only control myself.

You attract what you are. You repel what you are not. Everything is energy.

I’m infatuated with Sufi mystics, Rumi is my favorite. I was looking for something to bring in a better year and of course Rumi had the most amazing quote.

2024 Theme

2023 was full of tears and anxiety, but this year I will intentionally walk towards lovely days. I made a bullet journal to document these special moments. January has been filled with lovely days. Dates with my friends, writing submissions for publication, completing my first artist fellowship and returning to a regular yoga practice just to name a few. Lovely days can have small blessings or huge miracles. You are the author of your story. You are the alchemist that can manifest your vision.

As they say, sometimes life does the most and you just have to persevere. Doors close, windows open. Maybe time heals all. Maybe it doesn’t. In shamanism, there are multiple destiny lines and soul contracts. I hope you know you’re worth the highest destiny line. Even if it comes with plot twists and turns that put you in a level of darkness you’ve never experienced. I hope you chase it with blind faith! I pray that someone is brave enough to love you just as much as you love them for a complete lifetime.

Thanks for following my blog and I’m sorry for the long absence! I hope you will share in my year of intentional lovely days! May you be well. May you be whole. May you be loved.

Healing Blackness

by The Unconventional Life, posted in mental health, mindfulness, Spirituality, Uncategorized

I started my job as a reiki master at Lucid Living in December 2020. This is the only time I’ve executed the law of attraction flawlessly. I was so excited to join a black owned business focused on holistic healing.

Getting ready for company marketing shoot.

I’ve seen a diverse mix of clients, mostly women. And then one evening there was the young black man having his first reiki experience with me. His friend had made an emergency appointment for him. I asked my normal pre-session questions. What brings you in? Where do you want energy directed? What is your intention? He answered as best he could, but I had to read between the lines.

We as a black community are not taught to seek services or healing for stress, anxiety or other mental health issues. We are taught to pray. You are questioned and often berated if you seek the help of a therapist. I’m a reiki master, so just amplify that criticism to an infinite amount. Yet there is so much daily stress and trauma in our people.

I have made healing from trauma a priority in my life due to what I see at work and just wanting to end generational patterns in my own life. Being a black woman working in public housing communities full of poverty, crime and yes mental health issues for so long can feel like wearing a winter coat in a Florida summer. It’s heavy, very heavy.

A few more black men trickled into my appointments and it was such a joy to provide them with reiki. One astral traveled to his house and was quite surprised by my explanation of what happened during his session lol. I hope the Black community finds tools such as reiki, meditation, sound baths, etc. I hope the community will be less close minded about spiritual practices that have significant health benefits for stress, anxiety and depression.

I recently filed with Virgina’s SCC office and am officially The Unconventional Life. I offer in person and remote reiki appointments in addition to making reiki candles. I will soon offer shamanic healing sessions and hopefully in 2022 shamanic breathwork sessions. The energy I felt during my first breathwork session was 🤯! On of the most amazing hours yet! I am also looking forward to certifying reiki practioners and masters.. Very grateful for everyone that has been vulnerable enough to trust me as their reiki master. I love holding space for you! Follow my IG page, TheUCLife, and DM for appointments.

Becoming My Authentic Self

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Inspiration, mindfulness, Spirituality, Uncategorized

It’s a Tuesday evening and I’m completing my whirlwind trip to San Antonio to discuss the importance of early childhood education with other professionals from across the country. Everyone was very energized by the topic. This is what happens when your work is your passion. You have insane amounts of energy. I was intrigued and somewhat excited, but not quite energized. I find myself questioning why and how did I end up in these work spaces? I’m questioning whether or not I want to pick up another community problem. I’ve seen three astrologers recently, and for the most part the readings were the same. I’m an insanely creative individual with a great human service work to complete. It seems this is the soul contract I agreed to. However, the neglect of self that I am forced to accept in my current work is taking a toll. I’m very often tired, I find myself fleeing to rivers for hydromancy and I can’t remember the last time I slept without thoughts of trying to solve enormous community issues waking me up. The cards said the best life is coming, so as the saints instruct you to do, I’m yet holding on.But do I want to hold on?About a month ago I stayed at Galleywinter Farm for the weekend at my first shamanic retreat. Rachael Mannwas the facilitator and I’ve been working with her for a few years. I was instantly connected to her after my first soul reading. I just knew I would be safe on my new spiritual journey with her. The purpose of the retreat was to find your soul’s highest destiny line among the many available to you. We did shamanic journeying, we danced the medicine wheel, sang Cherokee songs, made earth mandalas and I attended my first fire ceremony. I also saw my highest destiny line. It was amazing!

This is where I am energized. This is the work I don’t want to leave, but there are these annoying things called bills and obligations.Last year my organization began work around trauma. This translates to me as healing work. Shamans heal. I have been very excited to find myself in mindfulness training with teachers. I have discovered I have a talent for combining my reiki training and mindfulness practice with my mother’s gift for interior design to make calm spaces. I am currently creating these spaces for an elementary and high school and the community center where we work with low-income youth. Who knew I’d love this so much?! Definitely not me. I also began redesigning my organization’s website as our fifth year approaches. I have spent several weekends at my kitchen table heavily involved in web content and design. As I end this year, I want to ensure that next year I am my authentic self. I have really been thinking a lot about what this will look like. I know I will no longer be able to serve an entire community alone. Stress is manifesting itself in the form of sickness and must be addressed. Executive Directors have a whole team of persons in the form of a board of directors that are supposed to help grow the mission and funds of the organization. This has yet to happen for me and I feel like I’ve had the longest trek through the hottest desert. Any desire I had to save anyone or anything is about completely gone. Yet I am still the insanely creative with a need to serve.

However, direct service for empaths is very difficult.

As I look forward to 2020, I’m identifying steps I need to take to live a more authentic life. This demands that I pay attention to my natural writing talents and a few other things.

  1. Practice saying no.
  2. Take care of my health. I can’t help anyone if I’m not well.
  3. Write and write often. This includes working on my novel, journaling, blogging, poetry and more.
  4. Return all social work duties to their rightful owners by the end of the year.
  5. Take a real vacation.
  6. Make some new friends. The struggle is real in this area lol.
  7. Begin shamanic training.
  8. Return to my yoga practice.

Technically this list could go on forever as I need an intervention, but I’ll stop here. My hope for you if you’re reading this is that you’ve found your way to living an authentic, fulfilling life. If not it’s not too late. What can you do to begin to create the life you want? After all, we create our reality. Is it switching careers? Moving to a new place? There are so many choices available to become your authentic self. As always the light in me sees and honors the light in you. Namaste.

How Then Shall I Live

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Inspiration, mental health, mindfulness, Spirituality, Uncategorized

In the weekend’s closing ceremony we were told to reflect on the question how then shall I live. Our first guided meditation was around one door closing and another opening. Many of us lay on the floor crying. These complete strangers had become my monthly support group. A place where I was learning spiritual practices in a very diverse environment. I felt like I was flourishing into myself during the entire program.

The first meditation caught my attention. I sat on the porch of a craftsmen style house and looked over my shoulder at the closed door. I cried at the realization of losing my monthly group while at the same time feeling excited about the next phase of my journey.  I then saw myself standing on earth barefoot in front of a new door to open. The door I opened revealed an entire universe. As I realized I had no limits or boundaries, I thought it’s going to be ok.

I began our pilgrimage thinking about what was going on in my life. I laughed at the first message because I was thinking about my work. Somehow I will dream big.

I kept walking along the pilgrimage path with my group taking pictures to document my journey.

I learned of Tibetan prayer flags and loved seeing them blow in the breeze like whispers being sent to God.

In my final coaching session we discussed my most meaningful practices. They were meditation, conversations with nature, journaling and active imagination. My coach requested of me to write. I shared a poem and my conversation with water as my final offering. Writing is who I am so I assured her I would continue to share this gift. 

I’ve decided to pursue Native American spirituality. I need to get to know this part of myself. My family’s eyebrows raise higher and higher as do their concerns lol. They ask if I still believe in Jesus and I laugh and say of course! I realize though no one can dictate your spiritual path. You have to practice what is meaningful for yourself. The brave by the forest I saw during meditation awaits me.

I shall live in dreams and not fears. I shall live in love and forgiveness. I will not withhold the best parts of myself from others. I hope to give the gifts of laughter and faith. I shall continue with the practices that had meaning for me without regards as to their origin.

My flag had this simple prayer.

May I believe. May you believe. May we all believe. 

Simply prayed for anyone who has ever struggled with doubt and anxiety.

Namaste

Spiritual Paths Program-Conversation with Nature

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Inspiration, mindfulness, Spirituality, Uncategorized

I spent my day at the Lewis Ginter Botanical Gardens today.  Our program finally got to the session that connected us to nature!  My senses were overloaded and my spirit was so full with today’s experiences.  I am so excited to share my conversation with nature.  As always it was epic.

Grass:

“Oh honey welcome back!  After all these years welcome!  Take your shoes off and sit for a spell.  Do you remember how you loved to feel me under your feet as a child?  You never wanted to wear shoes.  Shoes were a form of restraint, but your little mind could not know the reason for the need to discard shoes.  Do you remember the barefoot walks with me and sunshine?  You were feeling and being then weren’t you honey?  You were beginning to know your identity and then life carried you away.

We knew you’d reconnect with us so we have been waiting for your.  Waiting for you to find your spirit and voice.  Creation has been waiting for you dear one.  Listen to the song of nature.  It is all around you.  Sometimes quiet.  Sometimes loud.  You prefer quiet due to the noise of those who are around you.  Silence is not reclusive little one.  Find your place in the univers and mark it.  Listen honey we are speaking widom to you today.  Profound wisdom.

You did not lose your connection to us.  It only seemed that way.  Another illusion right?  You keep wondering what is going on.  What is this experience.  It is the traveling of your ancestors to greet you.  They are waiting to show you things to connect to us to express who you truly are.  Your mentor’s referral will be your guiding lantern down this new path.

Aren’t we just splendid honey?!  Yes you too for you are a part of us.  You belong to us.  Your spirit is seeking a deeper connection to your true self.  Authenticity!

Listen to the song of the water.  You found it as an adult.  Many trials allowed you to hear the lyrics to her song.

Water:

I flow freely.  Sometimes in many directions.  You hear freedom when you are near me.  Freedom to drop the burdens given to you as weights by others.  Others always needing you.  Flow Kathryn.  Just be and flow.  Let your hands be emptied.  Let your shoulders be light and unbridled.  Set your soul free.  Let your gentleness come as rushing power carrying the needy ones upstream.  I transform.  You transform.  Though you found me in turmoil and storms, you were cleansed.  Cleansed of human prisons containing you as you sat at my shores.  Cleansed of words spoken to confine and destroy you as you sat at my shores.  You brought your children to me and purged them of fear by baptizing them in my waves.  You gave them courage and independence.  You gave them the best parts of yourself with instructions to never let others take it away.  Hear my message in ripples.  That we, all of creation, all of the divine partner with you on your journey.  May you be well.  May you be whole.  You are loved.

Grass:

My barefoot warrior never let the darkness of others dim or extinguish your light.  You illuminate.  Even as night lingers on and you are wondering where is dawn, simply illuminate Kathryn.  The braves are waiting for you in the forest, your refuge.  Beat the rhythm of your internal drum when you find them for it is a rhythm like no other.  See ya soon honey!

 

 

 

Spiritual Paths Program

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Inspiration, mindfulness, Spirituality, Uncategorized

As I entered the retreat center I was struck by natural beauty and peace. My eyes wanted to absorb everything as my senses were on overload. I escaped to take pictures on breaks.

I took my place in the circle and joined the others for a brief meditation. My personal world had been spiraling down like a crashing plane, but I fought to be present.  The opening poem resonated with my soul and it only got better from there. 

In our opening session we read our spiritual autobiographies in small groups and followed the Quaker meeting format. I loved the Quaker format! I loved my group! The connection I felt to each individual was amazing. We were like pieces to a unique puzzle. Three of us were creatives and two were lawyers. Sharing our spiritual journeys was one of the most positive experiences I’ve ever had. Our session ended by walking a labryinth with two stones. We had to let something go by placing one stone in a bowl of water at the end of the circle.

As my time to start walking approached I became overwhelmed by how much I was carrying in my heart. I began to cry because I needed to find the most important thing to release, but I had so many. I began walking and quickly realized I wanted to run. I didn’t want to feel the pain inflicted on my heart by others. The others were walking so slowly that I had no choice but to follow in the manner that they were walking. Many were crying. I tried not to see or hear them because my cries would have quickly become sobs. My heart was hurting. My breaths were irregular. With each step I envisioned hurtful words spoken over me by others falling in the forms of knives from my heart. I then envisioned the wound being stitched and completely healed. The walk didn’t take very long, but it seemed like forever. 

A couple of weeks later I met with my mentor in the program. She has studied mystics and has a connection to nature. As we sat at the table I explained visions, dreams and synchronicities regarding Jude and myself. I wanted to know how could I see all this stuff about us, but in the natural everything be crazy. She called me a mystic and instructed me to leave my relationship open-ended. I wanted a final form of punctuation, but went with her suggestion. She said Jude and I were connected spiritually. In my heart I knew this, but my experience with Haitian love is beyond exhausting. 

Our second session focused on different meditation styles; walking, chanting, body scans, etc. I suck at walking meditation lol. It was once again hard to be present due to life with a Haitian. Jesus have mercy! Our homework was to create a meditation style we could practice in between sessions. I chose to find a positive quote or scripture, set an intention and end with a loving kindness meditation. Anxiety tends to have me focus on negative thoughts so I’ve been very happy with my new practice. I have kept the intentions of love and forgiveness. Yesterday I found scriptures that really moved me.

 Someone there among you has caused sadness, not to me, but to all of you. I mean he caused sadness to all in some way. (I do not want to make it sound worse than it really is.)  The punishment that most of you gave him is enough for him.  But now you should forgive him and comfort him to keep him from having too much sadness and giving up completely.  So I beg you to show that you love him.  I wrote you to test you and to see if you obey in everything.  If you forgive someone, I also forgive him. And what I have forgiven—if I had anything to forgive—I forgave it for you, as if Christ were with me.  I did this so that Satan would not win anything from us, because we know very well what Satan’s plans are. – 2 Corinthians 2:5-11 

Sadness has been an understatement in my life recently more like despair. My heart has been broken about every 30 days for months. As we argued via text message I focused on those words and my intention. I remembered Rumi’s words that light enters through cracks. I am full of light. I chose positive over negative. I am living my truth as homework. Ironies!

In our last session I saw a Native American brave invite me to journey down a forest trail with him. He was riding a horse and I felt such amazing strength. This program is transforming me in subtle yet life altering ways. I feel my Native American heritage calling my soul to explore. I will be meeting soon with the contact my mentor gave and she agreed to take me into nature.

Most are seeking religion. I have learned that religion divides. Spirituality connects. I am so thankful for this journey and the opportunity to share what I can. 

May you be well. May you be happy. May you be in peace.

The Next Chapter

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Inspiration, mindfulness, Relationships, Spirituality, Uncategorized

On the eve of his sixteenth Christmas we wept. It’s been a long year. Only a few days left and I am thankful.

This year I have tried to become a better person by giving love and compassion to those whose actions have hurt me. It hasn’t been easy. Some actions I just truly don’t understand. Love does not harm. Love gives and protects. Love is sacred. 

I no longer have to visit the Richmond Justice Center. It was the longest six months of my life. It was the saddest experience seeing nothing but black men locked up. I’m praying he makes better life choices.

Be free and fly.

I’m letting go of the relationship with the Haitian. Yesterday I dreamed of a border collie lost in traffic. I knew it was me. I know I have been losing myself in another relationship because my partner is miserable within themself. The yogi in me says return to the earth that which is no longer serving you. Self-sacrifice is no longer serving me. Drama from divorces is overated. Om.

As I watched you sleep I was planning how to say goodbye.

As I read the meaning of seeing a collie appear in a dream I came to realize I’ve been taking care of everyone but myself. I plan to explore self care and compassion in 2017.  I’ve watched many youtube videos by Ralph Smart this year. I paid close attention to the relationship ones. You attract a reflection of yourself. I need some tweaking and fine tuning! I must laugh cause the actions of the Haitian has my family in an uproar on Christmas. If only they knew. Unconditional love was my only arsenal weapon to the wounds he has inflicted on my heart. I kept hoping that I would get to the buried beauty within him, but I find I am now exhausted. Time to move on.

I couldn’t have survived this year without your support.

A new journey begins as a detour from organized religion. I began the spiritual paths program this month at the Chrysalis Institute. I’ve been assigned a mentor and I feel this will be an epic experience. I get to explore different facets of spirituality and become my best version. I know that every experience and person that enters your life are to help you evolve. 

2016 has been one test after another. My focus has been on drama caused by others. I am not carrying this behavior into a new year. I was given an end date to working in a toxic environment. Surprisingly there is no anxiety around not knowing what will become of my employment. Only gratitude.  I am thankful that I too will join the others who have been freed from the most horrible work experience we have ever had. Please, if you are a supervisor apply servant leadership techniques and have appreciation for your team.

I looked up at numerous quotes and this one spoke to me. Success equals new beginnings next year. Success equals greater kindness as I continue to serve others. There is such great joy in giving. Success equals healthy relationships.  I believe there is someone special who will embrace my weirdness, however I may have to first deal with my obsession with chocolate foreigners.  😩 Victory is smiling when you have every reason to cry. 

Before It Gets Beautiful 

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Inspiration, mental health, mindfulness, Spirituality, Uncategorized

Today I find myself surrounded by the mountains of Roanoke, Virginia. I have been desiring to be in the mountains for months. When everything around me is swirling in madness my soul tells me to run into nature to find peace. The beauty of mountains is always my first choice.

I feel like I have been seated in the middle of a whirlwind for too long. I reconciled with the Haitian only to have to leave again yesterday. It’s amazing what can happen in 24 hours. We were waiting on takeout a couple of weeks ago and he said, “It’s been over a year with us and you keep fighting me.” I told him his craziness always caused me to leave. Inviting this level of drama into my life becomes exhausting.

I began to think of us as animals. I see myself as an eagle that needs to reach a higher altitude. I can’t continue to let people or circumstances keep me from the journey I must travel . Even if I love them. Even if we’re so strongly connected I feel like I’m looking into a mirror in his eyes. Eagles don’t change altitudes to mingle with chickens . I keep telling him this, but he isn’t strong enough to tell the people in his life he has a separate journey to travel. I look at how unproductive these people make him and it makes me very sad. I can’t remain in a rut with someone just because I love them. Stagnant things eventually die.

I was experiencing anxiety again a few days ago and I heard so clearly perfect love casts out all fear . 

1 John 4:18 – There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear involves punishment, so the one who is afraid is not perfected in love.

I stood where I was trying to make sense of what I was hearing. I knew Jude had come into my life to teach me how to love differently. I just honestly don’t understand what I am supposed to do. How does one become perfected in love? I do yoga, try to practice peace when anger is telling me to punch someone, I give until I have nothing sometimes. Yet he still makes me afraid. We are together and the fear returns every time. I am not perfected in love. He is not willing to change at the moment. Do either of us even know what divine love is or how to give it?

I put reiki candles and crystals in his room recently. I bought us both meditation incense. My brain was saying create peace around him so you will have peace. I forgot to burn the damn sage lol. I’ve been scrambling to place this here and put that there and fix this and so on and so forth. I think I’ve been trying to build a fortress of sorts to make myself feel safe. I suppose love can’t enter a fortress. 

I took this picture of him last weekend on our way from breakfast. I had really wanted to say hey babe let’s take a silly selfie, but I was afraid. I was too afraid to ask him to take a picture and I really don’t know why. 

So here we are separated again as we were making preparations to leave the country. I asked my journal last night if yesterday morning was the last time I would see Jude. Then I stumbled across Oprah youtube videos with Dr. Michael Beckwith about vibrational frequencies and empowering questions. This morning I wrote the empowering questions without the low vibrational frequencies. I travel this path alone cause it’s sounding a little crazy and I think my kid needs to go to church more lol. I had an epiphany one day though. Anyone who encounters God encounters a powerful energetic force that completely changes them. That force draws you in even if you’re hiding in a fortress.

I see colors, light and energy connecting myself and the Haitian . He commented about the crystals and candles without completely giving me the whole story. Amethyst, jade, selenite and more are now on his nightstand. My soul knows he’s already been where I need to go spiritually. Even down to becoming a pescatarian. I also know in the natural I am where he needs to be. He said he would show me the meaning of energy when we got to Haiti.

Super Soul Sunday 

I don’t know what needs to happen for this to work. I feel like it’s supposed to work. I feel like each has what the other needs. Hopefully soon it will be as beautiful as it is in my visions and dreams. 

Divine Plans

by The Unconventional Life, posted in depression, Inspiration, mental health, mindfulness, Relationships, Spirituality

Zephaniah 3:17-18 – The Lord your God is with you; the mighty One will save you. He will rejoice over you. You will rest in his love; he will sing and be joyful about you. I will take away the sadness from you that would have made you very ashamed.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of my first conversation with the Haitian. A bittersweet moment. I don’t really know how to be or feel. I had started warning him our anniversary was coming up last month. It was exciting for me and a wow for both of us. In less than a year, together we had survived circumstances that had destroyed both of our marriages. Driving in the car one day watching the world through the window I said to him we survived. Later he put his arms around me in the kitchen and said, “You’re a strong woman. It takes a lot to deal with me.”

I remember waking up one morning in the beginning  and God saying, ” I need you to be with him in this season because you’re strong enough to handle what he’s about to go through.” I sat on the edge of my bed and looked at the floor. I had only one thought, why. I had just struggled through HARD. Like so hard I came through it crawling on the days that walking was impossible. Two separations had stopped me in my tracks. Days kept coming and going, but I was literally still for eight months. And then Jude. So I have this conversation with God and my whole body began to feel heavy. I thought self you really don’t want to do hard again. You can already sense the magnitude of this trial. And I just heard again you’re strong enough. I sighed and said ok I’ll honor your request of me.

And the winds picked up at such a force that I questioned the strength I supposedly had. His life was like woah. I was too scared to ask what else could happen cause it just seemed to get worse on its own. No sense in prompting the universe with questions. We would argue and he’d say you’re just going to leave me like every other person in my life. That would make me so angry. One day I just yelled back, “Where am I going?! I should’ve left by now and I’m standing here. I’m not leaving you.” That’s a hard truth for a person who needs to overcome abandonment issues. I know because he is me, we are the same. 

I read in his journal one day that both parents had died in front of him. I could feel deep grief on the page. Grief he never shared with me. Sometimes sadness would appear as tears in his eyes, but it came with no words. So I prayed. I prayed because he did things to hurt me, to test me. His actions were saying I bet you’ll leave if I do this or that. I got so tired and I said, “God what do I do with this one you gave me?” He only replied love him. Just keep loving him. Hurt people hurt others. It’s a self-protecting behavior I know all too well. It declares I will push you away because I have grown to love you and me hurting myself will hurt less than me risking you hurting me.

In my eight months of stillness everything about my spiritual life started to change. There was all of this law of attraction buzz and I was like I need to understand how this works. I’m still learning, but it didn’t make sense how he found me. He matter of factly said to me one day that I had drawn him to me. I was like how do you draw someone if you’re hiding from life on your couch. It just didn’t make sense. 

As the months passed I knew he was sent to teach me a different realm to loving. At times it made me very angry and frustrated. I’ve physically felt the weight of God’s love to the point I asked him to stop sending it before I fainted. I felt myself getting dizzier and dizzier and my only thougt was what kind of love is this. That was my gift from Jude. He has the heart of God. I’ve experienced its beauty. That’s what kept me.

In these last weeks my analytical mind has been telling me all sorts of things. Like you’re crazy. You can’t hear the voice of God. Settle for less than what you know is possible. Some days I flip and flip through the prayers and answers in my journal trying to silence the negative voices. Self-doubt has had me always seek confirmation from others for years. Even now. My journal pages say on different days Kathryn everything will be ok. Jude loves you. When anxiety would overtake me Jude would grab me and say everything will be ok. He never got tired of reassuring me, I was teaching him patience. He’d try to infuse all of the hope within himself to me.

I was standing in his kitchen when I heard God say, “Give him back to me.” Now I was like hold up abba I just got him back and now you want him back again. And I saw a vision standing there I’d had before of myself dancing. I knew that meant I wasn’t being given an option and that God would be there to again pick up the pieces. He has lessons to learn and I’d just get in the way. I have to focus on my work because it’s the stepping stone to my future. 

Anxiety. Depression. Two enemies I must defeat. This too shall pass. I wear the necklace he gave me as a reminder to not doubt the last year. He literally threw it at me. Go figure life with a Haitian.  I gave it back with a note saying this is not how to give a gift place it around my neck. He called the next day and said he wouldn’t tell me again not to return gifts a Haitian gave lol. When I saw him he put it around my neck complaining the whole time. He said, ” I must fucking love you this is a diamond.” I of course didn’t know how to respond since he seemed upset at knowing this lol. I will never forget the day he said very quietly, “You’re my best friend.” 

I recently sent him an email thanking him for gifts of laughter, love and acceptance. I’m the seer who knows the journey he is on. And no I can’t travel it with him. 

Dear universe you know what I want and I’m trying to rest in the knowledge that everything will be ok. After all it was in your divine plan for me.