Category: mindfulness

The Guided Path

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Inspiration, mindfulness, Relationships, Spirituality, Yoga

About a month ago I was lead to go to a prayer service. I wanted to hear a guest speaking about her work in the community. I wanted to be inspired because my own work was feeling more like a burden than a blessing. I listened to her tell of how people were just coming along her path with blessings to help her serve felons being released back into the community. An entire house had been donated! I was inspired by the acts of kindness.

Quite honestly my spiritual journey is turning out to be very different than even what I could’ve come up with. I felt lost and it was causing anxiety that often leads to long periods of panic. If I feel like Jesus isn’t close by I freak totally out. That day felt like I had been dropped in the middle of the Amazon with no guide. Why am I getting a nonprofit off the ground with the present agency infrastructure? Did I totally misinterpret what you said about the Haitian, but you sent people with whole messages? Am I crazy?! Where am I supposed to be and what am I supposed to be doing? Everything feels like it’s too much!

And they prayed for me. And Hope said, “You are not lost. You are where you are supposed to be.” And her name struck me cause I was absolutely hopeless that day and full of wonder about wrong turns and decisions. I was doubting everything making myself feel crazy, which is not good when you’re already a tad odd. And she said you are not lost. The other lady said you are a seer who has been disappointed. I began to cry. She could only discern the inflicted hurt from the church not my personal relationships. And while we prayed for the speaker I saw a vision of many hands reaching through jail cells and oil being poured into their palms. When the two women prayed for me I saw a vision of myself in royal garments. The robe had jewels. I said self you look beautiful!

1 Peter 2:9 But you are a chosen people, royal priests…..You were chosen to tell about the wonderful acts of God.

The speaker I knew was chosen to reach people that are literally being used for profits. They are nameless with corporate and government bottom lines. Jails are big business. I know because my son is in one right now. There is a fee for him to be there. I think back to June’s miracle for him. Misdemeanors and not felonies. An act of God.

The next day I went to my spiritual journaling class and we reflected on the poem Everything Is Waiting For You. The Haitian and I were broken up as is our typical pattern. 

Put down the weight of your aloneness and ease into the conversation.

Neither of us are normal. Love, he was trying to teach me a whole new dimension to that word. The lesson felt heavy. Life felt heavy and she put her arms around me as I wept trying to put the weight down. Missing him is crushing. And she said take care of yourself right now because she felt my exhaustion. I told her the light was there way beneath the surface. Sadness cloaked my shoulders because he understood my energy.

As I was praying God said to go to Psalm 143. That was precisely everything I needed to pray.

Psaln 143:11 – ….In your goodness save me from my troubles.

Yesterday I drove to the beach. It was the only way to stop crying. I had to look at the sea to put problems in perspective. Do I miss the Haitian? Hell yeah! Did I misunderstand the message? Nope. I had to hear waves crashing while God asked me to stop weeping. I had to change the energy around me. I had to restore peace.

I’m learning to be open to the universe. I’ll reread The Alchemist because the Haitian is woven into the pages of that book. I’ll visualize and reimagine the future as I struggle through the present. And I will say it’s ok to miss him cause we’re water and he knows that. I’ll continue down my very strange spiritual path with crystals, yoga, nature and my bible. Never would’ve grouped these things together lol. I’m making my mom quite nervous. I’ll remember he said he’d protect my smile. I’ll rest in the knowledge that we are each other’s heart center. It’s always darkest before dawn. Je t’aime Jude  toujours.

Release in the Vineyard 

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Faith, Inspiration, mental health, mindfulness, Spirituality, Yoga

It has been 12 months of heaviness like standing beneath an avalanche that suddenly falls from the highest peak. Preceded by six years of turmoil. Heaviness came to rest here.

I’ve been crying Abba have mercy on me. Everything is too much. As I was praying Jesus appeared in a vision with an overflowing basket of fruit. All kinds of fruit and he gave it to me. The second basket he gave to me was overflowing with red grapes and a vineyard appeared. I ran free in a white dress. I felt freedom. Freedom from burdens. Freedom from sadness. Freedom from anxiety. Freedom from despair. And I ran not once looking back.

Hand mudra for hope.

Recently I took a yin class that focused on hope. Tonight a woman named Hope prayed for me. The significance being most days I’m questioning am I going to make it because of the hopelessness I feel. I’ve learned to pay attention to small details.

I understood that the vineyard meant to read John 15. I understood that John 15 meant to rest in Jesus. There is very little rest or peace these days. Hope prayed that peace would stay with me. 

Today I felt disconnected and isolated. I felt heavy. Then I thought why am I carrying these burdens given to me by other people. Situations that my own actions didn’t cause I’ve been carrying on my slumped shoulders. I’m exhausted. 

“Storms make trees take deeper roots.” ~ Dolly Parton

Branches are connected to the vine. They must remain connected to live and produce fruit. Occasionally they are pruned. My decisions could use some pruning. No longer will I allow people to project negative statements over me. I won’t unfairly carry other’s problems.  I won’t exhaust myself finding solutions to everything and I will no longer suffer from anxiety due to people’s choices.

John 15:11 – I have told you these things so that you can have the same joy I have and so that your joy will be the fullest possible joy.

My word today was overboard.  Anything or anyone that does not add to my life got thrown off my virtual boat. I. Let. Go.

Parched

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Inspiration, mindfulness, Relationships, Spirituality

The Lord says, “All you who are thirsty come and drink.” – Isaiah 55:1

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Remembering at Byrdpark.

Dating the Haitian has been quite an experience. Not for the normal or faint of heart. He often drives me to run to sources of water to find stillness.

He is chaotic. I had a vision of him crashing into me as a tumbleweed a month ago. But I love him. I guess sometimes, or in my case, most times love just isn’t enough.

I poured exorbitant amounts of energy into this person and once again sacrificed myself. My coworker jokingly asked how many days would the break up would last this time. I wondered that myself as I stared at the ducks in the pond last night.

It was a place we went to together to find stillness. I miss together. I miss the way he excitedly calls my name. I just miss him. But I miss me too. I miss the peace I found last year as I search for love and stability this year. I miss our dreams connecting and the conversations around the commonalities. Even in his most demanding state he allowed me to be purely Kathryn.

Before I said goodbye I let him know he was my Teacake. The man who had unlocked all my treasures. Laughter, love, passion, freedom. All these things were gifts with him.

My soul is a bit parched today, but I know of a refreshing water pitcher that pours from heaven. I put into the universe I miss him while I rest and gulp the living water. I am not a savior. Just an American girl who madly loves a Haitain boy. I hope he finds the path to share a glass of water with me. Toujours mon cher.

An Unorthodox God

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Hope, Inspiration, mindfulness, Relationships, Spirituality

Isaiah 55:8 -“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.”

I have not blogged here in quite awhile. So much has been happening in my life. Some amazingly great things and some things that take divine strength to keep going. Sometimes life’s balance of events can be very intetesting. Through everything I pray and do yoga.

I remembered that I stripped religion down to one word, love, because all that other BS just wasn’t working for me. I remembered feeling what God’s love for me felt like in a therapy session. I almost fainted as it got stronger and stronger. I have no words to describe this love. I don’t even know if as a human I can replicate it. I remembered my 2015 search for peace and finding that through my yoga practice.

Life got unconventional for me last year. I have rose quartz in my window and spend more time in headstands than in church, yet I feel closer to God than ever. Like many, probably millions, I had him in a box. I thought I knew what he would act like blah blah blah until my life was greatly impacted by the above scripture. I asked myself if I was crazy, but I feel sane.

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Date night

I sat for months waiting on God to fix an irreparable marriage. God sat for months waiting on me to pay attention to the women he kept placing in my path. He even sent one from Nigeria that I love dearly. I still kept waiting.

I would walk Bruno and just question out loud, Abba who is going to love me and this crazy puppy? I was to scared to begin a divorce process because the women in my family that have gotten divorced seem to end up alone for long periods of time. My mind reasoned it was better to hold onto a dead relationship than face that outcome.

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He has bonded with the pup pup.

But God.

Out of the clear blue meetup.com sky a Haitian appeared. Honestly I thought Satan had sent him lol. Life became to happy all of a sudden. I spent so much time in prayer and journaling because my brain couldn’t understand what was happening.

Soaking prayer is my go to activity for when I really want a clear answer from God. Things moved so fast with the Haitain that I was leary of entering a room full of prophets and intercessors. You don’t have to say anything for them to know your life activities lol.

It was a Saturday, and the preacher said, “You have already been healed from the broken relationship. You just needed to be strengthened. You put yourself in a bondage God never intended for you to be in and you’re being set free because someone else needs your gift of love.” That pretty much answered my questions about the guy I’m dating.

As we lay on the floor praying, Jesus took me to a grave. He placed the word marriage in it and buried it. I wept. I sobbed. I let go. He then took me to a river and baptized me over and over again saying we’d keep going until I was filled with hope. He said he had sent that man into my life to break the fall I needed to take so I would file for divorce. That he had had enough of watching me suffer and to go be happy.

What love is this? I don’t know. Almost six months later I’m still amazed. Happy has become exuberant. My 2015 search for the cultivation of peace in my life was an answer to his prayer. He had been searching for a place where he felt peace. I thought I was cultivating something for myself last year.

If I could say anything right now, it would be have no expectations of how God will accomplish things in your life and live without limits. Sometimes it’s going to be so damn hard. Other times it’s going to be so amazing your daily mantra will have to be to not be afraid of happiness. Life is a journey. Travel well.

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Joy In The Morning

by The Unconventional Life, posted in depression, Hope, Inspiration, mindfulness, Relationships, Spirituality

I can say over the course of this year that I have put all my heart and soul into being grateful no matter what my circumstances.  It has not always been easy.  There have been many nights that I cried in between trying to sleep.  There have been days where I locked myself in my office because I couldn’t hold it together while at work.  I would just randomly cry.  Wanting someone to return even a small portion of love you are trying to give them and not get anything in return is so hard.  I remember telling my mom one day that I hadn’t asked for much other than time.  Spending time with me was something I had begged for, but really never received.  Even after making that my number one item on our new marriage contracts I still didn’t get it.

You eventually just feel this blackness start to overtake you.  You fight like hell to not get lost in this blackness, but it just becomes so hard.  I looked up and had nothing but ashes.  I didn’t understand why really.  I just knew that I had again lost myself trying to jump through every hoop to make him happy.  For months I’ve just worked on me and accepting my new life.  I tried on words like separation and divorce like new clothes.  If they didn’t fit that day I didn’t force it.  I had to look in the mirror and say out loud I choose not to love you because you choose not to love me.  I had to remind myself that I was loveable.  God sent people that wanted to physically shake me to ask Kathryn can you see yourself?  Can you see your worth?  I would just look at them and nod in agreement.

I’ve spent months with the puppy.  Months and months.  I didn’t complain.  I just chose to be grateful.  If a human didn’t want to spend time with me Bruno did.  This was my life.  Then the axis shifted an eclipse occurred and I emerged into this newness.

Psalm 30:5 ~ ….Crying may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning.

I’ve not had any expectations for meeting anyone new.  I was just trying to master living.  I was trying to find happiness in any circumstance.  I was practicing yoga on and off the mat.  Out of nowhere what I had begged for for years was given to me within a matter of days.  Someone who was so happy to spend all of his free time with me.  Honestly I wanted to run far and fast.  It’s been scary.  I keep asking myself is this really happening.  Does he really like doing things that are important to me.  He even loves Bruno!  It’s like I’m in some sort of dream that I keep expecting to wake up from.  I expected him to go as quickly as he came and I said self just be grateful that yesterday happened.  Then came another day and another and another.  The days have yet to end.

This week he’s shared in two things that I really love doing.  Things that have brought me peace during the worst days.  Hiking and my spiritual journaling class.  Today I woke up with an overflowing heart.  I realized I had a squad!  I have supportive people surrounding me saying Kathryn be happy you deserve happiness.

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Hiking Humpback Rock in Waynesboro.

Yesterday I hiked a mountain.  I cursed all the way up the mountain LOL and he was right by my side with water for breaks and a supportive hand or words.  He lead when I needed him to lead.  He stopped if I couldn’t breathe and he made sure I made it to the top.  We made it to the top together with some friends that I’ve been blessed to come into my life.  They all helped me make it to the top.  I drove into work crying today because I remember what happy feels like.  I could only say thank you Jesus.  I’ve been trying to find better words all day today, but that’s all I got.  Thank you for blessing me.

Anxiety set in because who actually has this happen to them? Surely not me!  He’s even foreign and chocolate!  Like seriously where does this happen?  This song resides in my heart and spirit today.  Jesus you are so good to me!  I don’t know what tomorrow may bring, but I thank you for the break in the clouds.