Category: Relationships

A Year of Lovely Days

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Faith, Hope, Inspiration, mental health, mindfulness, Relationships, Spirituality, Uncategorized

It’s been slightly over a year since my last blog. 2023 was beyond hard and I always try to find something inspirational to include in my writing here. Although I would’ve gladly chosen death last year over heartbreak here I am. Blame it on my dog.

Bruno makes life better!

Last year I wondered if it were harder to grieve someone who died versus someone who was alive. I still don’t know the answer. I tried to focus on what I was supposed to learn. I worked very closely with my shaman and other energy healers. Towards the end of the year I started EMDR therapy. I decided it was time for life to have a new narrative as far as my relationships.

We had to start with my critical need for safety, and I realized I had been in fight or flight since I was around seven. That was a serious revelation to process. I learned to cross my arms and tap my shoulders to bring my nervous system out of panic mode. Through shamanic healings, I learned my narrative needed to change from trying to save others from themselves so they would love me correctly. I had to watch people I loved more than anything self-destruct and do nothing. My need to control everything was tested way beyond my comfort zone. Magnesium and ashwaganda were my lifeline. I had to learn I can only control myself.

You attract what you are. You repel what you are not. Everything is energy.

I’m infatuated with Sufi mystics, Rumi is my favorite. I was looking for something to bring in a better year and of course Rumi had the most amazing quote.

2024 Theme

2023 was full of tears and anxiety, but this year I will intentionally walk towards lovely days. I made a bullet journal to document these special moments. January has been filled with lovely days. Dates with my friends, writing submissions for publication, completing my first artist fellowship and returning to a regular yoga practice just to name a few. Lovely days can have small blessings or huge miracles. You are the author of your story. You are the alchemist that can manifest your vision.

As they say, sometimes life does the most and you just have to persevere. Doors close, windows open. Maybe time heals all. Maybe it doesn’t. In shamanism, there are multiple destiny lines and soul contracts. I hope you know you’re worth the highest destiny line. Even if it comes with plot twists and turns that put you in a level of darkness you’ve never experienced. I hope you chase it with blind faith! I pray that someone is brave enough to love you just as much as you love them for a complete lifetime.

Thanks for following my blog and I’m sorry for the long absence! I hope you will share in my year of intentional lovely days! May you be well. May you be whole. May you be loved.

Home (Memoir)

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Relationships, Spirituality, Uncategorized

Where do you find home when you’ve searched most of your life for belonging? I have not found home in square or rectangular structures built by men with plans. I have found home in being a cypress tree in my dreams. Tall and strong with roots anchored deep into Mother Earth and branches growing towards the bluest sky.

Go home America says if you’re black, brown or any color other than white. My body traveled to the mother land, Nigeria to be exact. I walked out of the Lagos airport and saw the same shade of black among so many people. It was as if I was sifting the darkest coffee roast with my eyes instead of my hands. I wondered how I would find the man I flew thousands of miles to marry with no hue variation in people. Panic, awe and intrigue went through me all at the same time. Panic finally said, “Crazy girl you’ve done it now! Your ass did not think about everyone being Black and your phone not working across the Atlantic. What if his ass doesn’t show up to marry you?” I then looked up from my phone to see him walking towards me smiling. I breathed a sigh of relief. I saw blackness everywhere amongst strange foods and bright, patterned fabrics. We tried to find home in each other. We tried to forget we were running from the hurt of others as we exchanged vows and rode motorcycles. I tried to wash the heat of the land off me multiple times daily but had not packed enough clothes for so many showers. Perhaps that’s why the television shows I remember about Africa had half-naked people with painted faces. I would rather have been naked with tribal face paint standing in the ocean with blue green waves crashing around me.

We lived in my American house, but like I said, I never found home in structures created by men. When he left, I found home in an esoteric pull to mystic things. I was not scared because I’ve had the gift of sight into the supernatural since I was a child. Ancestors, spirit guides and spirit animals greeted and welcomed me home to my authentic self. My mother watched this journey and remembered my baptism as a baby in the spiritualist church. I always laugh as she tells me I was aunt Helen’s child as she stood at the altar with Reverend Hester. My mother sat in the back frozen with fear as objects began to float in air during the baptism. My mom is afraid of everything and we call her chicken little. I am awaiting the right time to visit the spiritualist people. My intuition tells me I know how to do their magic. Their founder shared my birthday and loved the woods like me. Reading his biography with my aunt was eerie.

I have a favorite meditation, come home to your authentic self. I think I find home in the evolution of me. My vertebrae merge African and Native American spiritual practices in my body. I left churches for bodies of water and campfires. I know the Cherokee heart song and have been jolted once by some electric force during a shamanic journey. African shamans are initiated by lightning strikes. My shaman says, “Kathryn you have the mojo you don’t need me.” I think she’s the training wheels to my current bicycle ride.

Home is healing with emerald energy placed at heart center. It’s waking up to Mexican curls on the pillow beside me and the sound of Telemundo echoing through the house. It’s Home Depot runs on Sunday because the Mexican is the one that builds structures I never found home in. Although when I go into the basement he renovated I turn in circles thinking to myself this is now home. I wonder about us. I haven’t told him his spirit leaves his body and tells me how much he loves me. He is afraid of this love. I wonder about us, soulmates with the 222 energy circling us. I watch him in the garden through windows. Keep the faith Kat and come home to your authentic self. Whoever she may be I’m sure she’ll be strangely magnificent.

Home

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Inspiration, Relationships, Spirituality, Uncategorized

Where do you find home when you’ve searched most of your life for belonging?  I have not found home in square or rectangular structures built by men with plans.  I have found home in being a cypress tree in my dreams.  Tall and strong with roots anchored deep into mother earth and branches growing toward the bluest sky.   

Go home America says if you’re black or brown or any color for that matter.  My body traveled to the mother land, Nigeria to be exact.  I walked out of the Lagos airport and saw the same shade of black among so many people.  It was as if I was sifting the darkest coffee roast with my eyes instead of my hands.  I wondered how I would find the man I flew thousands of miles to marry with no hue variation in people.  Panic, awe and intrigue went through me all at the same time.  Panic finally said, “Crazy girl you’ve done it now.  Your ass did not think about everyone being black and your phone not working across the Atlantic.  What if his ass doesn’t show up to marry you?”  I looked up from my phone to see him walking towards me smiling.  I breathed a sigh of relief and said, “Damn you’re crispy and I’m here now.” 

I saw blackness everywhere amongst strange foods and bright, patterned fabrics.  We tried to find home in each other.  We tried to forget we were running from the hurt of others as we took vows and rode motorcycles.  I tried to wash the heat of this land off me multiple times daily but had not packed enough clothes for so many showers.  Perhaps that is why the television shows I remember about Africa had half naked people with painted faces.  I would rather have been naked with white tribal paint on my face standing in the ocean with green waves crashing around me.  We lived in my American house, but like I said I never found home in structures created by men.   

When you left, I found home in an esoteric pull to mystic things.  I was not scared because I’ve had the gift of sight into the supernatural since I was a child.  Ancestors, spirit guides and spirit animals greeted me and welcomed me home to my true self.  My mother watches this journey and remembers my baptism as a baby in the spiritualist church.  I laugh each time she tells me I was Aunt Helen’s child as she stood at the altar with Reverend Hester.  My mother sat in the back frozen with fear as objects began to float in air during the baptism. My mom is afraid of everything and we call her Chicken Little.  I am awaiting the right time to visit the spiritualist people.  My intuition tells me I know how to do their magic.  Their founder shared my birthday and love of woods like me.  Reading his biography with my aunt was eerie. 

I have a favorite meditation, come home to your authentic self.  I think I find home in the evolution of me.  My spinal vertebrae merge African and Native American spiritual practices in my body.  I left churches for bodies of water and campfires.  I know the Cherokee heart song and have been jolted once by some electric force during a shamanic journey.  African shamans are initiated into healing work by lightning strikes.  My shaman says, “Kathryn you have the mojo you don’t need me.”  I think she is the training wheels to my current bicycle ride. 

Home is healing with emerald energy placed at heart center by crow.  It’s waking up to Mexican curls on the pillow beside me and the sound of Telemundo echoing through rooms.  It’s Home Depot runs on Sundays because the Mexican is one who builds structures I never found home in.  Although when I go into the basement he renovated, I turn in circles thinking to myself this is now home.  I wonder about us.  I haven’t told him his spirit leaves his body and tells me how much he loves me.  He is afraid of this love.  I wonder about us; soul mates with the 222 energy circling us. I watch him in the garden through windows.  Keep the faith Kat and come home to your authentic self.  Whoever she may be I’m sure she’ll be strangely magnificent.

Everything grows in his garden.

Shamans and Water

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Inspiration, Relationships, Spirituality, Uncategorized

My heart has felt as light as a feather since Saturday. I met with my first shaman. I found her to be peculiar. She was Caucasian and wore glasses. She had sandy blonde hair gathered into a ponytail instead of jet black braids. I met with her for one quarter of an hour.

I ran my hand over stones and crystals. She told me to pick the one I needed. I relied on Spirit to guide my hand as my eyes were closed. This was an energy choice. I felt heat enter my hand and I made my selection. I opened my eyes to what appeared to be a very nice rock. “You have chosen the stone to heal a broken heart,” said Rachael. Tears began flowing down my face as I explained my heart was just too heavy since letting go of Jude. We placed the stone at heart center and she went to work.

I cried. She prayed.

You have had many lifetimes with Jude. What you see are the energies from these lifetimes. You have been parents in another lifetime. Your African ancestors are trying to help you manifest gifts of healing and vision you have. Very powerful gifts you have because you are one that can heal others simply by praying.

I felt the heat in my hands again. Its familiarity was always with me. I remembered the prophet who had long ago told me healing was in my hands. I remembered the night Jude had a stomach ache and my decision to use my hands. He felt the heat wherever I guided my hands. I focused. He questioned. We trusted in something greater as I had no answers for either of us, only intuition.

I then stood before Rachael and she said it was time for the spirit water. Spewing through a feather was the administration method. I was not prepared lol! I stayed in place trusting for I knew she had more than intuition. She could see into the spirit realm like myself.

She had the same vision of Jude I had had months before. She told me to fix the glitch in my own energy to fix the love attraction. His actions have left a trail of self doubt. In our final moments she wrote down books for me to read and asked how I felt. “Lighter, I feel lighter,” I replied.

On Sunday the water called to me so I went to her.

I sat on a rock for an hour enjoying the sounds of people and nature.

As I sat, I realized I am no longer afraid of Jude’s ancestors speaking to me in my sleep. I know now they are also mine for we have always been and will always be. I remember waking him up one evening as he slept on me at the park. “It’s like this with us,” he said to me. We fall into a dimensional home when it’s just us with no boundaries or time.

I thought I was about to connect to my Native American ancestry, but at the prompting of Rachael I will take the African path. Destiny lines are hanging in the balance waiting on me to fix energy glitches. Self doubt needs to be replaced with self love.

As always my family is freaking out lol. Rachael had asked me if I grew up evangelical and I happily replied, “Nope charismatic.” She said, “Oh well then that’s just African spiritualism.” Awesome! Who knew the apostolics were paving the trail in the woods for meeting my true self. I am hoping I didn’t promise my aunt not to contact the church I was baptized in. I knew there would be a connection as we read the founder’s bio and he had my same birthday and love of trees. Hearing my aunt pleading for me not to call accompanied with the pause after the sentences still makes me laugh. My mother just now keeps asking if I still believe in God. This also makes me laugh. She will be coming to straighten me out as soon as she retires I’ve been told lol.

May you journey well into your own authenticity and peace. May you find joy in being who you were created to be. May love and acceptance grace us all.

Thank you for reading and sharing in my journey. Namaste.

Remember Me When

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Relationships, Separation, Spirituality, Uncategorized, Yoga

I remember one day sitting on the floor tying my shoes and hearing God say, “Kathryn don’t follow Jude into darkness.”  While I wondered why I was hearing this particular instruction, I just said, “OK I won’t.”  I know why that happened.  I want to run full on into darkness right now, but I can’t because of my desire to be in God’s light.

Yesterday in yoga we were asked to set an intention.  My brain has just been scattered from thought to emotion for the last two weeks.  I’ve been asking my friends to tell me I’m not crazy.  That I just didn’t imagine the things happening for the last two years of my life.  There are just things that can’t be made up and so right now nothing makes sense to me.  I’ve written each synchronicity down in my journal so they even have dates attached to them.   I went back to the first occurrence yesterday on my mat.  The evening I went for prayer because loving Jude gave me anxiety.  I remember the couple that prayed for me and asking the lady, “You’re going to tell me to leave him right?  I should just leave cause my whole being is in panic mode.”  She said, “No read I Corinthians 13 and everything will be OK.”  God sent these people to me to prepare me for what was about to happen and to give me hope.  I knew this because time was running out and I knew Christian would go to jail soon.  The lady told me to pray and gave me the testimony of their son who had also spent time in jail.  After remembering this, I set the intention.

God my intention is to love Jude and myself unconditionally today.  My intention is to forgive myself for every time I’ve had to forgive him because I’m angry about repeating forgiveness.  I’m angry that I can’t find the bottom to the love I have for this person.  I’m disappointed in myself cause this doesn’t even make sense and the only thing I can do is to apply love to everything.  I know this because you had that woman instruct me to love like you and I never forgot your instructions.

I completed my practice yesterday in between YouTube sermons and meditations.  This is how I cope with separation. YouTube, yoga and candles.

I literally feel like an Elisha looking for an Elijah.   In my desperation I went for my second psychic visit.  The difference I have noted between prophets and physics is prophets don’t ask questions for verification.  Things like is this going on right now or do you know who this person could be.  Nope you will not get that from a prophet.  They will say the Lord says…… and that will be that.  They don’t need you to fill in the blanks.   Same cards, some of the same words equaled great frustration for me.

Perhaps I should just be Kat looking for Jesus.  He’s likely waiting for me in the woods.

My reiki session went much better.  Heart chakra was definitely out of alignment and Akilyah spent a lot of time at my crown chakra.  Our sessions begin and end with what the Haitian did to throw my energy fields out of whack most times.  She said I was very grounded and all the energy moving was in my heart and stomach area.  I whispered that my heart was broken and I was fighting anxiety.

When I got home I said, “God you have to give me something cause I’m just not making it.”  I heard Psalm 106.

Psalm 106:4-5 – Lord, remember me when you are kind to your people; help me when you save them.  Let me see the good things you do for your chosen people.  Let me be happy along with your happy nation; let me join your own people in praising you.

I’ve made some pretty big sacrifices recently that I didn’t complain about.  I did them out of love.  I ignored some instructions about timing.  Generally when I ignore the warning Jesus’s baby toe appears to step in.  This time even Jude’s ancestors stepped in.  That was quite an experience, but I figured out what they were trying to tell me.  Separate. Though my very soul feels like it might cave in, separate.  Separate while he learns to love himself, because without that he can’t love anyone.  I know the pain of his life.  I experienced it in a church service.  I saw our lives combine in a tunnel of white light as I hung over a chair sobbing.  I asked him long ago, “Do you see me?”  He smiled and nodded yes.  It takes special eyes to see me.  Two weeks ago he told me exactly what he saw and I just smiled.  I called him my beautiful mess and that he shall be for now.

I saw thread stitching my heart together in yoga class.  I saw him kneel behind me and the same thread began to stitch his heart and our separate threads became one.  We were planning our first trip to Haiti.  I have boxes of donations in my basement.  He had asked me to help him do his Father’s work.  Sometimes seeing what is supposed to be is unbearable.  As I know what he is struggling with because he drew it and his ancestors came to tell me, my hands are tied.  My eyes are tired.  My breath is sometimes shallow.  My chest aches.

Dear God please remember me when……

The Next Chapter

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Inspiration, mindfulness, Relationships, Spirituality, Uncategorized

On the eve of his sixteenth Christmas we wept. It’s been a long year. Only a few days left and I am thankful.

This year I have tried to become a better person by giving love and compassion to those whose actions have hurt me. It hasn’t been easy. Some actions I just truly don’t understand. Love does not harm. Love gives and protects. Love is sacred. 

I no longer have to visit the Richmond Justice Center. It was the longest six months of my life. It was the saddest experience seeing nothing but black men locked up. I’m praying he makes better life choices.

Be free and fly.

I’m letting go of the relationship with the Haitian. Yesterday I dreamed of a border collie lost in traffic. I knew it was me. I know I have been losing myself in another relationship because my partner is miserable within themself. The yogi in me says return to the earth that which is no longer serving you. Self-sacrifice is no longer serving me. Drama from divorces is overated. Om.

As I watched you sleep I was planning how to say goodbye.

As I read the meaning of seeing a collie appear in a dream I came to realize I’ve been taking care of everyone but myself. I plan to explore self care and compassion in 2017.  I’ve watched many youtube videos by Ralph Smart this year. I paid close attention to the relationship ones. You attract a reflection of yourself. I need some tweaking and fine tuning! I must laugh cause the actions of the Haitian has my family in an uproar on Christmas. If only they knew. Unconditional love was my only arsenal weapon to the wounds he has inflicted on my heart. I kept hoping that I would get to the buried beauty within him, but I find I am now exhausted. Time to move on.

I couldn’t have survived this year without your support.

A new journey begins as a detour from organized religion. I began the spiritual paths program this month at the Chrysalis Institute. I’ve been assigned a mentor and I feel this will be an epic experience. I get to explore different facets of spirituality and become my best version. I know that every experience and person that enters your life are to help you evolve. 

2016 has been one test after another. My focus has been on drama caused by others. I am not carrying this behavior into a new year. I was given an end date to working in a toxic environment. Surprisingly there is no anxiety around not knowing what will become of my employment. Only gratitude.  I am thankful that I too will join the others who have been freed from the most horrible work experience we have ever had. Please, if you are a supervisor apply servant leadership techniques and have appreciation for your team.

I looked up at numerous quotes and this one spoke to me. Success equals new beginnings next year. Success equals greater kindness as I continue to serve others. There is such great joy in giving. Success equals healthy relationships.  I believe there is someone special who will embrace my weirdness, however I may have to first deal with my obsession with chocolate foreigners.  😩 Victory is smiling when you have every reason to cry. 

Divine Plans

by The Unconventional Life, posted in depression, Inspiration, mental health, mindfulness, Relationships, Spirituality

Zephaniah 3:17-18 – The Lord your God is with you; the mighty One will save you. He will rejoice over you. You will rest in his love; he will sing and be joyful about you. I will take away the sadness from you that would have made you very ashamed.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of my first conversation with the Haitian. A bittersweet moment. I don’t really know how to be or feel. I had started warning him our anniversary was coming up last month. It was exciting for me and a wow for both of us. In less than a year, together we had survived circumstances that had destroyed both of our marriages. Driving in the car one day watching the world through the window I said to him we survived. Later he put his arms around me in the kitchen and said, “You’re a strong woman. It takes a lot to deal with me.”

I remember waking up one morning in the beginning  and God saying, ” I need you to be with him in this season because you’re strong enough to handle what he’s about to go through.” I sat on the edge of my bed and looked at the floor. I had only one thought, why. I had just struggled through HARD. Like so hard I came through it crawling on the days that walking was impossible. Two separations had stopped me in my tracks. Days kept coming and going, but I was literally still for eight months. And then Jude. So I have this conversation with God and my whole body began to feel heavy. I thought self you really don’t want to do hard again. You can already sense the magnitude of this trial. And I just heard again you’re strong enough. I sighed and said ok I’ll honor your request of me.

And the winds picked up at such a force that I questioned the strength I supposedly had. His life was like woah. I was too scared to ask what else could happen cause it just seemed to get worse on its own. No sense in prompting the universe with questions. We would argue and he’d say you’re just going to leave me like every other person in my life. That would make me so angry. One day I just yelled back, “Where am I going?! I should’ve left by now and I’m standing here. I’m not leaving you.” That’s a hard truth for a person who needs to overcome abandonment issues. I know because he is me, we are the same. 

I read in his journal one day that both parents had died in front of him. I could feel deep grief on the page. Grief he never shared with me. Sometimes sadness would appear as tears in his eyes, but it came with no words. So I prayed. I prayed because he did things to hurt me, to test me. His actions were saying I bet you’ll leave if I do this or that. I got so tired and I said, “God what do I do with this one you gave me?” He only replied love him. Just keep loving him. Hurt people hurt others. It’s a self-protecting behavior I know all too well. It declares I will push you away because I have grown to love you and me hurting myself will hurt less than me risking you hurting me.

In my eight months of stillness everything about my spiritual life started to change. There was all of this law of attraction buzz and I was like I need to understand how this works. I’m still learning, but it didn’t make sense how he found me. He matter of factly said to me one day that I had drawn him to me. I was like how do you draw someone if you’re hiding from life on your couch. It just didn’t make sense. 

As the months passed I knew he was sent to teach me a different realm to loving. At times it made me very angry and frustrated. I’ve physically felt the weight of God’s love to the point I asked him to stop sending it before I fainted. I felt myself getting dizzier and dizzier and my only thougt was what kind of love is this. That was my gift from Jude. He has the heart of God. I’ve experienced its beauty. That’s what kept me.

In these last weeks my analytical mind has been telling me all sorts of things. Like you’re crazy. You can’t hear the voice of God. Settle for less than what you know is possible. Some days I flip and flip through the prayers and answers in my journal trying to silence the negative voices. Self-doubt has had me always seek confirmation from others for years. Even now. My journal pages say on different days Kathryn everything will be ok. Jude loves you. When anxiety would overtake me Jude would grab me and say everything will be ok. He never got tired of reassuring me, I was teaching him patience. He’d try to infuse all of the hope within himself to me.

I was standing in his kitchen when I heard God say, “Give him back to me.” Now I was like hold up abba I just got him back and now you want him back again. And I saw a vision standing there I’d had before of myself dancing. I knew that meant I wasn’t being given an option and that God would be there to again pick up the pieces. He has lessons to learn and I’d just get in the way. I have to focus on my work because it’s the stepping stone to my future. 

Anxiety. Depression. Two enemies I must defeat. This too shall pass. I wear the necklace he gave me as a reminder to not doubt the last year. He literally threw it at me. Go figure life with a Haitian.  I gave it back with a note saying this is not how to give a gift place it around my neck. He called the next day and said he wouldn’t tell me again not to return gifts a Haitian gave lol. When I saw him he put it around my neck complaining the whole time. He said, ” I must fucking love you this is a diamond.” I of course didn’t know how to respond since he seemed upset at knowing this lol. I will never forget the day he said very quietly, “You’re my best friend.” 

I recently sent him an email thanking him for gifts of laughter, love and acceptance. I’m the seer who knows the journey he is on. And no I can’t travel it with him. 

Dear universe you know what I want and I’m trying to rest in the knowledge that everything will be ok. After all it was in your divine plan for me. 

The Guided Path

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Inspiration, mindfulness, Relationships, Spirituality, Yoga

About a month ago I was lead to go to a prayer service. I wanted to hear a guest speaking about her work in the community. I wanted to be inspired because my own work was feeling more like a burden than a blessing. I listened to her tell of how people were just coming along her path with blessings to help her serve felons being released back into the community. An entire house had been donated! I was inspired by the acts of kindness.

Quite honestly my spiritual journey is turning out to be very different than even what I could’ve come up with. I felt lost and it was causing anxiety that often leads to long periods of panic. If I feel like Jesus isn’t close by I freak totally out. That day felt like I had been dropped in the middle of the Amazon with no guide. Why am I getting a nonprofit off the ground with the present agency infrastructure? Did I totally misinterpret what you said about the Haitian, but you sent people with whole messages? Am I crazy?! Where am I supposed to be and what am I supposed to be doing? Everything feels like it’s too much!

And they prayed for me. And Hope said, “You are not lost. You are where you are supposed to be.” And her name struck me cause I was absolutely hopeless that day and full of wonder about wrong turns and decisions. I was doubting everything making myself feel crazy, which is not good when you’re already a tad odd. And she said you are not lost. The other lady said you are a seer who has been disappointed. I began to cry. She could only discern the inflicted hurt from the church not my personal relationships. And while we prayed for the speaker I saw a vision of many hands reaching through jail cells and oil being poured into their palms. When the two women prayed for me I saw a vision of myself in royal garments. The robe had jewels. I said self you look beautiful!

1 Peter 2:9 But you are a chosen people, royal priests…..You were chosen to tell about the wonderful acts of God.

The speaker I knew was chosen to reach people that are literally being used for profits. They are nameless with corporate and government bottom lines. Jails are big business. I know because my son is in one right now. There is a fee for him to be there. I think back to June’s miracle for him. Misdemeanors and not felonies. An act of God.

The next day I went to my spiritual journaling class and we reflected on the poem Everything Is Waiting For You. The Haitian and I were broken up as is our typical pattern. 

Put down the weight of your aloneness and ease into the conversation.

Neither of us are normal. Love, he was trying to teach me a whole new dimension to that word. The lesson felt heavy. Life felt heavy and she put her arms around me as I wept trying to put the weight down. Missing him is crushing. And she said take care of yourself right now because she felt my exhaustion. I told her the light was there way beneath the surface. Sadness cloaked my shoulders because he understood my energy.

As I was praying God said to go to Psalm 143. That was precisely everything I needed to pray.

Psaln 143:11 – ….In your goodness save me from my troubles.

Yesterday I drove to the beach. It was the only way to stop crying. I had to look at the sea to put problems in perspective. Do I miss the Haitian? Hell yeah! Did I misunderstand the message? Nope. I had to hear waves crashing while God asked me to stop weeping. I had to change the energy around me. I had to restore peace.

I’m learning to be open to the universe. I’ll reread The Alchemist because the Haitian is woven into the pages of that book. I’ll visualize and reimagine the future as I struggle through the present. And I will say it’s ok to miss him cause we’re water and he knows that. I’ll continue down my very strange spiritual path with crystals, yoga, nature and my bible. Never would’ve grouped these things together lol. I’m making my mom quite nervous. I’ll remember he said he’d protect my smile. I’ll rest in the knowledge that we are each other’s heart center. It’s always darkest before dawn. Je t’aime Jude  toujours.

Ebb and Flow

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Faith, Hope, Inspiration, mental health, Relationships, Spirituality

I know I’m somewhere in between faith and anxiety. Like the needle in a half full tank of gas. Trust and faith are definitely obstacles I’ve been trying to get beyond for quite a long time. As I was thinking about my struggle it occurred to me I link God to the actions of people. Someone hurts me I link it to God. Someone disappoints me I link it to God. I pondered why I was doing this, but couldn’t really determine the reason. I concluded that this was a behavior that needed to change since it wasn’t making much sense to me.

In May I had to break up with the Haitian. Loving someone doesn’t mean giving them permission to mistreat you. May was a very long month! Tons of anxiety. Tons of prayer. Days of crying. As I was fleeing to yoga class the day after the break up, one of those random license plate moments occurred. Gud4you pulled right in front of me. I couldn’t even believe it. I was like Jesus I’m down here about to lose it and you’ve got jokes today, not cool.

I was basically on autopilot for a month missing the Haitian. I am mindful when anxiety is in overdrive I can really be a handful to deal with for those around me. Thankfully I had people who were very patient with me.

There was one day where I got up and immediately layed on the floor crying. Wailing would be a better description. The ache of missing that person was unbearable. Remembering so many fun times was unbearable. So I just kept crying asking God why he gave me someone to take them away so quickly. See there’s that linking behavior of mine. So if you’ve never gotten on God’s nerves as I frequently do try to remain that way. I very clearly heard him first ask me why I was crying so much. Secondly he reminded me on April 1st that he warned me the Haitian would act crazy for about 60 days or so. Third, he said he hadn’t taken anything and to get off the floor and stop crying. Of course I managed to sit against the wall with more of a muffling whimper after hearing an exasperated tone of voice. All the while still trying to free myself from panic attacks.

God gave me psalm 143 and I prayed it every morning. He told me to write miracles would happen on my calendar for the month of June. I received four by the last day of June.

  • Haitian returns.
  • Son gets misdemeanors not felonies.
  • Haitian sees his son.
  • Unexpected financial blessing.

Matthew 21:22 – Believe you will receive everything you ask for in prayer.

We were doing awesome and I was cautiously happy. He hugged me one day and said, “Baby I’m doing the best I can.” I replied, “I know that’s why you give me anxiety.”

It’s July and our crazy cycle continues. We’re not speaking right now, but love flows. I can feel it. I had my chakras balanced for the first time a couple of days ago. Crazy equals low energy for me. After my session I was told everything would be ok. Indeed he promised me it would with teary eyes. So I pray for him and myself to get it right. He said the other day I stop, he stops, but the time around us keeps us moving forward together. May everything merge into divine harmony soon.

Crystals and reiki candles to keep my solar plexus and sacral chakras balanced.

I prayed John 15:7 this morning fully believing my last name will be Thermitus in 2017 just like we planned. He loves me especially different and I’m totally crazy about the guy who fries me octopus in swimming trunks.