Category: Relationships

My brother recently sent me a picture of my nephew imitating him mowing the lawn. He was going alongside my brother with his toy lawnmower pretending to cut grass. My nephew tries to imitate everything his father does. We find it comical. My brother calls Junior a sponge.

As I am now facing the extreme difficulties of male puberty, I’ve been reflecting a lot on what I taught my children without using words. I am in survival mode with my oldest son right now. His associations and actions are causing some serious tension between us.  High school graduation is two weeks away!

Proverbs 22:6 – Train children to live the right way, and when they are old, they will not stray from it.

My husband and everyone in my life has been on my case lately about correcting my parenting. They are demanding more use of tough love. I thought I had been using this technique off and on, but it seems like I may have totally neglected it. I recently listened to two podcasts by Charles Stanley about the blessing of having a godly parent raise you. My boys have been in church their whole lives, but we all know that doesn’t necessarily make you godly. Love for humanity above all else makes you godly, that is my view on life.

Did I teach that to my kids? They are so self-absorbed that I am not sure. Millenials, everyone is trying to figure out how to interact with these people! I am included in this confused bunch.

I taught my sons to use their voices to speak out against injustice, even if they presumed it was coming from me. My youngest son will argue with you using his last breath if necessary. My husband is Nigerian, this drives him crazy. Limbs would have been broken in his house more than likely had this occured. It sounds like children do not have the option of calling CPS across the ocean. He tries to be patient with me, but he is exasperated. He tells me stories of his mother allowing him to experience hunger and all sorts of other things to train him to be a man. He does not understand American parenting and has no desire to do so.  He understands mine even less.  He says I equate a certain level of discipline with not loving my kids and that it is crippling their ability to develop into men. He’s not referring to physical discipline.  You marry a geek, you learn to sharpen your mental abilities.

I have shielded my sons from need to the best of my ability. Need can be painful. Need can cause extreme discomfort. Need can also cause humility, character and strength. I look at my self-absorbed sons and their generation and realize a major faux pas has occurred somewhere in between blurred lines.

What did my actions teach? Broken introverts observe the world through one-sided windows. We see you, but we don’t allow you to see us if we can help it. My oldest doesn’t realize how much he is going to need others. I will take away his lunch money this week. He is 18 and should in my opinion have a job or be volunteering somewhere. I had asked him to volunteer at the aquatic center last year and he refused because he saw no benefit in working for free. Cutting some strings on this safety net is about to kill me figuratively speaking. I am back on holy basil in the war against stress induced production of cortisol. I keep trying to explain the benefits of obedience and he keeps choosing rebellion.  I desperately want to free my hands from the rope he has them bound in.

He was too young to remember I needed someone to help me carry grocery bags of baby food for him. My friend and I remember the pain in our hands vividly to this day.  She helped me meet many needs over and over.  He was too young to remember my mother providing the difference to everything I could not.  They were too young to notice the struggles of a single parent under 30.   This list could get long.  I understand why preachers shout into a microphone, “When I think of the goodness of Jesus and all he’s done for me my soul cries hallelujah.”  You cannot whisper this statement.  It comes from having experienced a need, problem or crisis that required divine rescue.  My sons may need an encounter with divine rescue.

I know I must implement suffering in phases, because I basically have no other option. I have pointed out their behavior to them recently due to Mother’s Day. It was awful. I sobbed. You know the kind of crying where you can’t catch your breath or stop it from happening. That was my Mother’s Day. I did not want to share the day with my sons. It took me several days to calm down enough to explain the disappointment. For seven days the 14 year old has been leading the be a better son initiative.

I have friends trying to help a boy who has aged out of foster care. He just wants a family. He has said he doesn’t want to be abandoned again. That is his greatest concern. It is at the very least heartbreaking. The value of a godly parent. Its worth is unmeasurable.  They are preachers and I marvel at them sometimes.  The level of sacrifice they make to help others leaves you speechless.  He is probably unaware that I have been watching so closely and praying about what can I do myself.  That is the impact of a true Christian.  They don’t have time to showcase their deeds, because they are too busy spreading the message through actions of love.  They don’t need to beat you over the head with scriptures. Their actions tell the critical part of the story, love.

Today I will force my children to listen to those podcasts. I will make them explain what they hear. What they absorb. I will explain what it is like to be an unappreciated mom who makes so many sacrifices they don’t consider. I will tell the story of the boy who has a great need. I will explain to them the importance of giving to meet the needs of others. Life isn’t about I, it is about we.

I can say I have taught them some things, such as self-confidence, love for the planet, the importance of education, etc. with words and actions. The importance of teaching need was not previously in the equation, but it must be added. Words will not do this lesson justice. It must be taught through actions. I realize now love comes in different forms and I need to diversify.   There is a worship song, The Way You Love Me by Anthony Evans.  It describes tough love.  I have encountered spiritual tough love over this last year.  I was dropped to my knees many times.  I learned the value of obedience over rebellion.  My marriage is being saved because I decided to change.

This will be difficult and I’m a bit late, but grace covers a multitude of mishaps.