Category: Separation

Remember Me When

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Relationships, Separation, Spirituality, Uncategorized, Yoga

I remember one day sitting on the floor tying my shoes and hearing God say, “Kathryn don’t follow Jude into darkness.”  While I wondered why I was hearing this particular instruction, I just said, “OK I won’t.”  I know why that happened.  I want to run full on into darkness right now, but I can’t because of my desire to be in God’s light.

Yesterday in yoga we were asked to set an intention.  My brain has just been scattered from thought to emotion for the last two weeks.  I’ve been asking my friends to tell me I’m not crazy.  That I just didn’t imagine the things happening for the last two years of my life.  There are just things that can’t be made up and so right now nothing makes sense to me.  I’ve written each synchronicity down in my journal so they even have dates attached to them.   I went back to the first occurrence yesterday on my mat.  The evening I went for prayer because loving Jude gave me anxiety.  I remember the couple that prayed for me and asking the lady, “You’re going to tell me to leave him right?  I should just leave cause my whole being is in panic mode.”  She said, “No read I Corinthians 13 and everything will be OK.”  God sent these people to me to prepare me for what was about to happen and to give me hope.  I knew this because time was running out and I knew Christian would go to jail soon.  The lady told me to pray and gave me the testimony of their son who had also spent time in jail.  After remembering this, I set the intention.

God my intention is to love Jude and myself unconditionally today.  My intention is to forgive myself for every time I’ve had to forgive him because I’m angry about repeating forgiveness.  I’m angry that I can’t find the bottom to the love I have for this person.  I’m disappointed in myself cause this doesn’t even make sense and the only thing I can do is to apply love to everything.  I know this because you had that woman instruct me to love like you and I never forgot your instructions.

I completed my practice yesterday in between YouTube sermons and meditations.  This is how I cope with separation. YouTube, yoga and candles.

I literally feel like an Elisha looking for an Elijah.   In my desperation I went for my second psychic visit.  The difference I have noted between prophets and physics is prophets don’t ask questions for verification.  Things like is this going on right now or do you know who this person could be.  Nope you will not get that from a prophet.  They will say the Lord says…… and that will be that.  They don’t need you to fill in the blanks.   Same cards, some of the same words equaled great frustration for me.

Perhaps I should just be Kat looking for Jesus.  He’s likely waiting for me in the woods.

My reiki session went much better.  Heart chakra was definitely out of alignment and Akilyah spent a lot of time at my crown chakra.  Our sessions begin and end with what the Haitian did to throw my energy fields out of whack most times.  She said I was very grounded and all the energy moving was in my heart and stomach area.  I whispered that my heart was broken and I was fighting anxiety.

When I got home I said, “God you have to give me something cause I’m just not making it.”  I heard Psalm 106.

Psalm 106:4-5 – Lord, remember me when you are kind to your people; help me when you save them.  Let me see the good things you do for your chosen people.  Let me be happy along with your happy nation; let me join your own people in praising you.

I’ve made some pretty big sacrifices recently that I didn’t complain about.  I did them out of love.  I ignored some instructions about timing.  Generally when I ignore the warning Jesus’s baby toe appears to step in.  This time even Jude’s ancestors stepped in.  That was quite an experience, but I figured out what they were trying to tell me.  Separate. Though my very soul feels like it might cave in, separate.  Separate while he learns to love himself, because without that he can’t love anyone.  I know the pain of his life.  I experienced it in a church service.  I saw our lives combine in a tunnel of white light as I hung over a chair sobbing.  I asked him long ago, “Do you see me?”  He smiled and nodded yes.  It takes special eyes to see me.  Two weeks ago he told me exactly what he saw and I just smiled.  I called him my beautiful mess and that he shall be for now.

I saw thread stitching my heart together in yoga class.  I saw him kneel behind me and the same thread began to stitch his heart and our separate threads became one.  We were planning our first trip to Haiti.  I have boxes of donations in my basement.  He had asked me to help him do his Father’s work.  Sometimes seeing what is supposed to be is unbearable.  As I know what he is struggling with because he drew it and his ancestors came to tell me, my hands are tied.  My eyes are tired.  My breath is sometimes shallow.  My chest aches.

Dear God please remember me when……

The Power of Hope

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, mental health, Relationships, Separation, Spirituality

Each morning like millions of others I’m on social media.  I can’t seem to break the habit of starting my day like this. I have been trying for some time to begin my day with prayer, meditation or exercise.  It most always starts with Facebook followed by Instagram.

This morning I wandered over to Pinterest and searched scriptures for hope. I have a board called inspiration.

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I pinned this to my board this morning.  The struggle is very real with doubt for me. It makes it very hard to trust my decisions because I’m always second guessing everything. This can cause me to start spinning out of control in anxiety.

Recently I dreamed my husband came to me and told me he was sorry. He was hugging me in that dream and I could literally feel his embrace. I woke up extremely rattled because I haven’t touched him in months. I being who I am wanted a microscopic analysis of this occurrance. Jesus what does this mean? I heard nothing so doubt kicked in with all its negative voices. He’s not sorry.  You’re crazy. When are you going to do something? Blah blah blah. I could not get to the soaking prayer service fast enough! I went in like a spy trying to determine who could help settle my mind. We were instructed to ask God to give us a vision beyond the door. I prayed to see beyond the door.

I then saw Jesus open a door. I was afraid to go beyond the door. Not knowing what was waiting for me I froze in fear. As I stood in the doorway a brick path appeared and we began to walk. I’m trying to remain calm and not freak out because my questions were about being married. Trees began to appear everywhere and the brick path went down the middle.

The trees you see represent an abundance of life. You have been holding on for so long. Even at times clinging to hope. I am opening the door to an abundant life. A beautiful life. A joyous life. A plentiful life.

I have you on the path to freedom not only for yourself, but I am calling you to set the captives free. Set them free Kathryn with your words. Use your words. The power of life and death is in the tongue. Give the captives life.

I did not doubt the voice of God. I did not doubt his presence.

On Sunday I went to the altar for prayer. Ironically the sermon had been on marriage, which went along with a book on marriage I’m reading. I confessed to the woman praying for me that my marriage was in ashes and I was tired of clinging to hope. She prayed as I stood in betwixt doubt and hope. Just that Friday I had decided to give up hoping, so I found this sermon very ironic. I hadn’t been to church in weeks and the Sunday I go the sermon is on marriage. Note, if it’s ironic, a little weird, perhaps even insane by your standards it’s likely a God thing.

James 1 speaks very clearly on doubt. Expect to receive nothing because doubtful persons are unstable in everything. I’m really trying to use this second marriage crisis to grow even more as an individual. I’ve recently started parenting classes. I’m reading Love and Respect. I seriously failed in the respect area, but realize my behavior was tied to the lack of love I was receiving. I realize all the damage my sometimes harsh criticism has caused to my family because I felt unloved. I don’t completely blame myself for this horrible mess, but do accept responsibility for my actions.

So here I stand not knowing what the future holds, but knowing that God is merciful and his grace covers all my mistakes. Knowing that I can be a better person. I can find rest in hope. After all trouble don’t last always. Never give up on yourself or your dreams!

Thriving in the Desert

by The Unconventional Life, posted in depression, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, Relationships, Separation, Spirituality

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A couple of mornings back I decided to stop and start my day journaling. I’m always yapping with God, but often do not take time to sit still and listen for answers or instructions.

My thoughts fell on the last six months of my life and I realized I’m thriving. I sat and began to say things that were prospering in the midst of personal turmoil. Two separations back to back can destroy even the strongest of warriors. Putting all your hope and love into someone and a marriage that crumbles back to back is hard to recover from. As I realized that most often die in a desert experience, gratitude filled my heart and tears began to flow down my cheeks. Death can come in many forms: unforgiveness, bitterness, anger, the need for revenge, depression and the list could go on and on.

The flip side of that for me is saying this is my life situation. I am not the cause of it. I am entitled to learn something to grow me as a human that will inspire someone else. I have the right to get up and live.

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With public housing kids at National Night Out

My thriving list:
1. There is laughter, love and peace flowing through my home. Everyone is experiencing a personal struggle, but my kids and I have these things to be grateful for.
2. Bruno is always happy to see me.
3. The works of my hands are blessed! I pray this prayer at my desk sometimes, God bless the works of my hands. I feel like King Midas at work right now lol.
4. I got accepted into a program to teach fitness classes. Training is kicking my butt, but I’m focused on those that don’t have access to fitness and how I can help them. I will soon be giving free classes to public housing residents! I get to share my story of battling depression with fitness.
5. My bills are paid and we have shelter and food. Amen!
6. God pours his love into my life even when I’m not thinking about it.
7. I’m not depressed. Loneliness creeps up on me some days. I am very grateful for Bruno’s puppy kisses at those times lol.
8. I am inspiring others. Whoa really! I wonder about these people lol, but I’m thankful to be a living testimony.

This is just a small list. I hope if you find yourself reading this in a desert experience you will make your own list. You may not have perfect circumstances. I definitely don’t. I’ve again lost my best friend. Sometimes life knocks you flat on your ass like that. However, if you’re reading this you’re alive so get up and live. Even if you have to do so in small time increments. I used to plan years ahead, but I literally at one point had to take myself down to one hour at a time.

Psalm 71:20-21- You have allowed me to suffer much hardship, but you will restore me to life again and lift me up from the depths of the earth. You will restore me to even greater honor and comfort me once again.

May we grow through adversity and rise like mountains. Amen

The Unexpected Pilgrimage

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Relationships, Separation, Spirituality

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I started a spiritual journaling class at the Chrysalis Institute two months ago. This has become a much needed activity in a safe and comforting space. We are given a theme and we all journey to wherever it takes us.

This month the theme was pilgrimages. A pilgrimage is a transformative journey to the sacred center. We were asked what journey had a profound impact on us and why. What sacred discoveries were there on this journey?

I chose my trip to Nigeria of course. I viewed this trip as a spiritually arranged marriage. You have to make up something as you fly across the ocean to marry someone you’re meeting in person for the first time right? Lol.

My sacred discovery was that God has been cultivating the fruits of the Spirit in my life. Love, joy, peace, long-suffering, patience and hope. I’m growing in all these areas in the most adverse circumstances.

I was not the best wife. I didn’t know how to be. I had to pray and let God show me how to be a wife. He is right smack in my sacred center. I had to learn to give forgiveness over and over. Even in instances where I truly wanted to act like a lunatic. Hello my name is Kathryn and I am working on anger. It conflicts with my yoga practice.

I look at myself now a decade later and am happy I’m not the same person. I have been freed from fear and anxiety. I don’t want to live that way it’s a miserable life. Sadness sometimes wins the battle, but I’m calling victory in the war.

My discovery is I am worthy of love. I can give tremendous amounts of love in return. Giving makes your life brim over with fulness. I never contemplated importance of forgiveness before. I would just omit people from my life. But this is my husband. I’m trying so hard to move forward and forget the person who was my best friend. Forget hopes, dreams and promises. I haven’t quite figured it out. If I give you my word there is no reason in my mind to break it.

For better or worse. Til death do us part. I do take you to be my husband.

So I think I’m on a journey to wholeness. Broken people just can’t do much. My assistant captured this photo of me at an event. I really had wanted my husband to be there, but before today I hadn’t seen him in months. After today I’m not expecting that to change. This picture made me cry, because that’s pure happy. I’m not faking anything. I was just happy. I was so grateful to see myself this happy.

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Joyful

We may not know the destination of pilgrimages in our lives, but there will always be the opportunity to learn and grow as a human. May you be deep rooted in all things blessed. Life is too short to be consumed with anger, bitterness and unforgiveness. Journey well.

Arsenal Weapons

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, depression, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, Relationships, Separation, Spirituality

I recently attended a, seminar at my church, Fighting Back With Joy, by author Margaret Feinberg. Joy was not even on my radar, but I just felt like I should go. My whole thought process has been focused on gratitude. I’ve been trying so hard to make this an every day component of my life even if all I write down every day is the dog and my two sons. Armies don’t go into battle with one type of weapon though. That would be insane! There are more weapons! Not discounting gratitude of course, I think it has added another dimension of peace to my life. But then there’s the epic battle with depression, you need joy to fight great sadness.

Galatians 5:22-23 – But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control. There is no law against these things.

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I went to the seminar alone. I don’t have friends to call up and say hey wanna hang out. I think the drama of a bad marriage caused me to lose the ones I had. It’s really hard listening to a person’s suffering on a daily basis. I tried not to be Debbie Downer, but you have friends to vent to right? I most definitely should have used my imagination to give conversational details about my every day life. I miss one friend a hell of a lot, she always made me laugh and she had a cat that I would go pet for eternity on really bad days. So what do you do when you lose your very limited quantity of friends? You pray for new ones that will be able to relate to your circumstances, otherwise everyone will keep dropping you like a bad habit.

I have met three women recently who can relate. I met the newest one at the church event. She was on a pursuit for joy. She shared her story, which was worse than my own, with a smile. I must say she was a beautiful soul and I was thankful that God was still answering my prayer. Even for something as small as having someone to enjoy breaks with for the evening.

I learned some very important things about how to fight with joy. The author was diagnosed with cancer and she shared how she had researched joy for an entire year, because that was her weapon to fight cancer. She was a great comedian! There was so much laughter during her presentation. Laughter feels so much better than crying.

So how do you load, aim and shoot joy at what knocks the breath out of you?

1. Poke holes in the darkness with laughter. Overcome despair and doubt with gratitude. Draw a line in your life and surround yourself with nontoxic people. So you may get kicked to the curb like I did if others in your life are doing this lol. Don’t take it personal!
Proverbs 17:22 ~ A cheerful heart is good medicine.

2. Remain suspicious God is up to something good.
Genesis 50:20 ~ You meant to hurt me, but God turned your evil into good to save the lives of many people, which is being done now.

I blog to purge my heart and soul of the tremendous amount of pain weighing me down. I need to be set free. We all know the divorce rate in this country is extremely high. That was one reason I chose to fly across an ocean and marry into a culture where divorce is pretty much not an option. I have no clue what my husband’s problem is, but it required me to shift my focus. It required me to say Lord what are you trying to teach me through this horrible experience? If I hadn’t been mistreated I wouldn’t have gone in search of the depths of God’s love. I was only experiencing surface love prior to all this marriage hell. Jesus showed up one day with an empty present and he gave it to me. He told me to put all the pain in the empty box so he could exchange it with his love. He said that was his primary purpose in my life. When I handed the box back, he began to send waves one at a time of his love. I was only able to physically withstand seven waves. I felt I was about to faint right in the therapist’s office. All I could ask is what kind of love is this? It’s too much. He took my pain that day and walked away with it. I have not been the same since. It is impossible to remain the same after such an experience.

3. Help others fight back with joy.
Be compassionate. Suffer with someone.
Be calm. Broken people don’t need you to fix them.
Be constructive. Ask them what they need.
Be consistent. Commit to be there for the long haul.
Be confessional. Ask God how to pray.

Our last act that evening was to release red balloons into the air to shift our focus from our problems up to God. I must confess at times I go back and forth with this. I’m determined to keep getting up after every fall until I learn to quit taking my problems back after prayer. I know my prayers are being heard. Oh the struggles of becoming a reformed control freak lol.

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Red balloons were the symbol of joy for the author.

So what weapons did you go into battle with? Anger, fear, depression, loneliness, despair. Trust me those weapons are useless. They will leave you crippled. The fruits of the Spirit are so much more effective. It’s like learning to operate at a Navy seal level versus that of a private. We all know that training is really going to kick your ass on a daily. But you come through it with things you didn’t even know you had.

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Buying Margaret's book. Don't we look joyful?!

My last sentence is borrowed from another author. Choose your weapons wisely and follow the divine instructions and I’ll see you on the other side.

God whispers to us in our pleasures, but he shouts to us in our pain. ~ C.S. Lewis

Waterfalls. River rocks. Heart.

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Relationships, Separation, Spirituality, Yoga

Psalm 51:10 – Create in me a pure heart God, and make my spirit right again.

Ever had to pray that scripture over and over again? I have. Your heart can be consumed with so many negative emotions from what happens in your life. Anger, bitterness and strife are just a few things that can poison your heart and spirit. My sin of choice tends to be anger.

April 11, 2015 I went to church. A prophet I had studied under before was in town.  I had no intention of praying for my marriage. I considered that situation hopeless for many reasons. I spent most of the service praying for my oldest son. He seems to have forgotten his upbringing.  I currently am still waiting for my child to return to his body and senses!

The speaker stopped preaching and said there are two homes here that are in trouble raise your hands. Well that was a no brainer so I raised my entire arm. Only one hand. Prophet repeats there are two people.  He’s looking for the second person. I eventually have both arms in the air and am myself looking for the second person.  I was becoming very embarrassed.  I wasn’t even praying about this!  Finally my former mentor got a microphone and told another woman it was also her marriage God was putting in the spotlight. Hallelujah!  I could finally put my hands down! He looked at us and said, “God said do not worry about your marriages he will give you restitution. ”

I’m driving home repeating this word. Saying what just happened.  Of course I knew the meaning of restitution, but my brain was not accepting the prophetic word. I went straight to dictionary.com, but the prophet had given a spiritual meaning while preaching. 

Restitution – In a season of restitution God will have to restore everything you lost in an immature state.

So I should have been breakdancing right? Yeah, that’s so not what I did. Restore, restore,  restore. I kept pacing and saying the word out loud. I got angrier and angrier.  Finally anger spilled from my heart out of my mouth. “Jesus who the hell is supposed to give this restitution?! Do you not see what he’s done to me?”

Not your typical Christian prayer. Nope nope nope. Exit blog if you’re looking for the fake holy roller type. Now I DO NOT recommend praying in this manner at all for the record. I went to therapy demanding an explanation from the therapist. I went to yoga and tried to leave the anger on the mat. However,  in deep relaxation God gave me a vision that screamed mercy for my husband. Now I had a prophetic  word plus a vision.

Lord have mercy!  It was just too much and in true black girl fashion hand went to hip, finger went up in the air, body roll plus shift and I was like really Jesus. I’m done! I’m so over it!

Eventually I just felt lost. I hate not having direction on what I should do. My hell raising, rebellious days ended years ago. One too many spiritual whoopings. Lol. I went to a soaking prayer service with journal in hand ready to write what thus saith the Lord. Ms. Shirley came by and kissed my forehead.  She said, “God says he loves you and you are his daughter. There is nothing too hard for him and he will never leave you. Just give it to him and leave it. Ask him for what you want. Trust him.”

My problem was now compounded.  Not only was I still angry, but I also had lost trust in God because this was pretty much what he said during the first separation and things had again fallen apart again.  Sorry Jesus no deal! I will keep my anger and distrust this whole situation is shady.

I lay there crying. I wrote a prayer in my journal, but I didn’t directly ask for anything concerning my family. It took every breath and thought I had to trust God the first time. You can lose your mind when you know your spouse is dating and God says do nothing. That’s some serious heartbreak.

I did so much yoga trying to work through this message. So many asanas and still had the same problem. God finally said he would be silent until I was no longer angry.

May 22, 2015. I return to soaking prayer. Anger and unforgiveness has got to go cause WWJD is the question at hand! I hike near water to clear my mind. I love water and its calming affect.

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Hiking along the James river.

So if you’re a logical left brain worshipper here is where I’m about to ditch you. I used to be one of those kind myself. Attending a life altering workshop on worshipping with your right brain by Mark Virkler changed my life. I shall never return!

I stood with Jesus under a waterfall. We walked on river rocks. He knows I go to water and woods for peace and clarity. He placed his hand on my heart and I saw an electric current go through his arm to my heart. Jesus asked if I was ready to take some cleansing breaths so I said sure. He said breathe until it’s gone. I tried my best not to sound like Darth Vader in a prayer service, but you have to make that sound. Otherwise they’re not cleansing breaths. I inhaled air and exhaled anger and unforgiveness. Sweet freedom! I saw such a beautiful picture of myself.

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You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens. ~ Rumi

Heart openers are some of my favorite poses. Above all I want a heart that overflows in God’s love. Perhaps you also have heart issues and could use a waterfall and river rock experience. It’s very easy to find God. All you need is prophetic soaking music (YouTube has great songs), journal and pen. It’s not so easy to find healing after being hurt in a relationship, but it is possible. Live your best life. You only get one on this side of eternity.

Namaste.

TKIT2GOD

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, depression, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, mental health, Relationships, Separation, Spirituality

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My friend said my life is like a Tyler Perry movie.  I must say I think he’s right because you can’t even make up the stuff that happens to me. In spite of it all I chose to smile today. I took the dog that my husband walked out on for two walks. I did yard work and some yoga. Most importantly I prayed.

There are a few people in my life that are sticking with me through the craziness.  I love and appreciate them so much! Today’s events were borderline crazy as far as marriage drama. What’s done in the dark always comes to light.

Yesterday the Holy Spirit told me I would see my husband at the library. Today it happened. I must again reflect on God’s love for me even through the pure hell I’m going through I know this love.  My husband doesn’t want me to know his address. I also endured this during the first separation.  I cried for weeks driving up and down streets of multiple cities,  but God kept me. He kept me from completely falling apart.

I watched my husband drive away with my staff through library windows. I’ll spare the Internet the crazy details.  I decided to drive to my office rather than drive up and down streets. I pulled up behind a car with a license plate of TKIT2GOD.  Take it to God. I just began to laugh. God is trying so hard to move me beyond worrying.  I think I’ll just free fall into grace and peace.

I started my day with prayer and exercise. I felt myself coming out of the fog of depression that overshadows me. It changed my day.

There is a song by Kurt Carr called God Kept Me. It’s my testimony. Joy is sometimes so very hard to find, which makes it even more precious.

So I’m here today because he kept me. I’m alive today only because of his grace. God kept me. He kept me. God’s mercy held me close so I wouldn’t let go.

May the joy of the Lord be my strength and yours in abundance.  Amen

Lord If You Had Been Here

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Inspiration, Relationships, Separation, Spirituality

March 30, 2015 was the beginning of my second separation. It sent me reeling. It’s May 26, 2015 and I still don’t know exactly why I’m separated.

I was so happy in October to have my husband back. He seemed just as happy as I was. Oddly enough we both realized 30 days into coming back together nothing changed, but it was for different reasons. I was the only one who had spent the time apart to grow into a better person. I had wanted to be a better wife with all my heart. He was the same if not worse. He did not honor our contracts.  He was still secretive and manipulative.  I was trying so hard to not have the same marriage,  but because of his terms and me trying to demonstrate I could follow as a wife I crashed in the same train wreck all over again.

John 11:32 – “Lord if you had been here my brother would not have died.”

This scripture has been swirling in my head for two days. This is Martha’s reaction to the death of her brother Lazarus. This is my reaction to my marriage. Jesus if you had just done something to help me I wouldn’t be separated.

Martha’s response caused Jesus to weep. I’m sure it was her disbelief.  I’m trying so hard to believe in God’s power to perform miracles right now. I spent all of Friday distraught because I could not think of a single person to help me. To say on my behalf that I am a good woman with a kind heart. When my brain can’t produce a solution anxiety kicks in.

As I journaled a prayer this evening I asked God if he had any good plans for me as written in scripture. I’ve suffered so much trying to give love. Most of my life my love has been regarded as nothing. No value to it at all.

I wonder what happened to the man I married. The one who assured me everything would be ok. The one who would email me scriptures. The only one I ever gave full access to myself. I was so comfortable growing into myself with him. I wonder what happened to us. The two who never ran out of words to speak. The two whose love spanned an ocean. The two who found everything in each other
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Jesus if you had only been there my life would not be falling apart. I’d rather be a Mary than a Martha, but it’s really hard. No one understands you when you just can’t seem to find a way to kill the love in your heart for a person who treats you so bad. My heart broke every day he denied having a wife. I kept asking myself what was wrong with me that he should deny me.

Jesus if you had just come sooner his heart would not be consumed in bitterness and mine wouldn’t be shattered.  Where were you when the warning signs were flashing bright red all around me? Where were you while I was trying not to lose myself and love him at the same time. Where were you when he didn’t come home and I had to ask another woman why? Jesus if only you’d come sooner he would honor his vows to love only me.

Cherish your spouse. Let love and forgiveness rule your heart. Do not be consumed with bitterness and deceit. I’ve learned that staying married is extremely hard work.

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Jesus didn’t come into my situation sooner he came later. I recently attended a training class in Los Angeles. I flew from the east coast and he sent a woman from Nigeria to my same class. Only God does things like that. I got to talk to her about my marriage woes and she hugged me and instantly became my sister.  I’ve been needing someone to talk to for weeks. I realized how much God must love me to send a woman from Nigeria to spend time with me. Miracles like that are easy to recognize.  Others not so much.

I’ve decided to once again grow as a person. It seems everyone can see my heart , but my husband. He no longer has spiritual eyes. If he did perhaps we’d be in marriage counseling.  I hope to become a Mary one day, but I know God loves me as a Martha and he will never abandon me.

What Hurts The Most

by The Unconventional Life, posted in depression, Marriage, Separation, Spirituality

It’s been almost two weeks since my first therapy session after the second separation. I scheduled the session because of feeling consuming rage. It was constant and in direct conflict with my yoga practice and spiritual beliefs, which have love at the center of actions. Breaking car windows and spray painting liar/cheater was what I wanted to do. I wanted to set his belongings he left behind on fire in the front yard. My mother kept pleading with me not to do things that would land me in jail. I conceded she was right, but I couldn’t shift the anger out of my spirit with scriptures or asanas.

So there I sat on the couch over looking the lake again wondering how the whole person I had become months earlier was now this shattered being. I remembered what whole felt like; good, peaceful, happy. My present was total despair. Why had my husband even bothered to come back to do the same thing to me all over again?

As I sat sipping ginger tea overlooking the lake my therapist said rage is caused by hurt. He gave me a moment before asking what was causing the hurt. I didn’t have an answer and we agreed to pray about it in the next session.
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Abandonment hurts like hell. Your husband demanding that you remain faithful while he dates and takes late night calls and texts hurts like hell. When you’re called a murderer because you had a miscarriage that hurts like hell. When you’re told that his spiritual mentor has told him something remarkable and it compares you to the stench of a dead, rotten seed that hurts like hell. Every other pastor I come into contact with calls me a gift and daughter of God.

I had asked for quality time and support, small things, and never received them. I really shouldn’t have been blindsided. I was standing right in front of his face when he told her he’d call her back. I was shifting in the bed as he answered the middle of the night IMs . “It’s from Africa,” he said. I watched him iron clothes hours before he was to meet her, but he only took minutes to prepare for our anniversary dinner.

What hurts the most? Shame. Shame hurts like hell. I have two sons watching me go through this. It’s embarrassing to be treated this way in front of them. My entire family knows my husband left again. They are trying to very politely say we told you so. We told you he was just using you. Everything negative, we told you so. “Move on Kathryn. You’re pretty and smart. What is wrong with you?”

I don’t really know. I think the solemnity of vows has something to do with it. I keep apologizing to God for having to break a promise. Promises mean something to me.

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If I were a boy…..songs can really express pieces of feelings you’re trying to connect. I married a manipulator who never takes responsibility for his actions. Colleagues that have taken the time to pray for me ask me why did I tolerate emotional abuse. I don’t know really. I just loved my husband, but he will accuse me of never having done so. Even now as I sit listening to a snoring puppy that he abandoned me with. He will say I added no value to his life, that he wasted nine years.

Everything hurts. A broken marriage, my oldest son’s rebellion, being overworked. I feel like everyone is always demanding something of me, but very seldom do I get anything in return.

I went to church last weekend looking for Jesus. It was a desperate search. Even if he didn’t say anything profound I just needed to know he hadn’t abandoned me too since I had sacrificed our relationship trying to be one with my husband. There is a reason to heed the warning of being unequally yoked. You eventually lose yourself and your identity. But God. He did have a word for me through his prophets that evening. It was not what I expected.

Isaiah 61:1-3 is my hope right now. God gives beauty for ashes and the oil of joy for mourning. May he comfort all those who weep from broken hearts.
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Overcoming Fear

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, mental health, Relationships, Separation

I became acquainted with fear as a child observing my mother and other family members.  I observed that because they were afraid of doing most anything our family tended to have the same outcomes.  This observation greatly shaped the adult I would become.

I would acquire an extreme fear of committment.  If I could redo about two decades of relationships I would.  Bad choices left layers of pain.  As a youth, I developed the idea that marriage was evil.  I saw nothing good in it.  Marriage created siblings that meant extra responsibilities.  More work for my mother.  Arguments over adult issues and the list goes on and on.  I decided by the time I became a teen that I would never get married.  I would at most have a live in boyfriend with a backup just in case.

I carried all of these fears into my marriage and oh the devastation it caused.  I didn’t even notice what was happening.  I remember one day being in the kitchen and I just began to cry. “God why did you place these three people under my care?  I’m such a failure.  I never wanted a family and you totally rearranged my life!  Look at the mess I’ve created.”  I received the most gentle reply as I walked to the table and opened the bible.  I had never seen the scripture before, but I had to go sit down after reading Psalm 68:6.

My tears of frustration turned into tears of gratitude.  He had connected two of the most lonely people, my husband and myself, across an ocean.  My husband had said prayer for a family far away from Nigeria.  On my end I had a five-year old telling me his house was supposed to have a daddy that lived there with us.  My youngest son is a handful!  My husband found my match.com profile.  I can only laugh at how all of this happened.  You live long enough to be able to recognize divine intervention when it happens because you go around in a daze asking if what occurred really happened the way it did.

As I sat on the couch, I realized that God had blessed me with children and a husband so that I would know what unconditional love felt like and all I did was complain about it.  Months ago in a soaking worship service I had a vision of myself as a child.  I was in a pit in a white dress turning in circles.  I was searching for someone to love me, but no one ever came.  Although I was in this pit, there was the brightest light all around me and the most beautiful lawn.  God whispered to me, “You will never have to search for love like that again.”  Have you ever been totally wrecked with gratitude?  I needed so many kleenex that evening.  It was an epic day for healing a very deep hurt that I had carried for decades.  I hurt my family because I was broken and hurting.  I have sense learned you should enter into marriage a whole person.  My husband and I had no pre-marital counseling, but lots of issues that should have been discussed.

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