Category: Separation

The Adverse Effect of Neglect

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Marriage, Relationships, Separation, Uncategorized

About a month ago my therapist gave me homework to complete with my husband since we had no pre-marital counseling. I walked out of my appointment that day feeling a bit hopeless and afraid. I didn’t know how I was going to bring this core values list back to my next session. As luck would have it, I had to cancel my appointment. I was relieved! It has yet to be rescheduled.

A week ago, my husband called and asked me what I thought we could do differently. This was my chance to get this task done and I took it. We sat at the kitchen table and I wrote down our lists. We decided that night he would move back. I should have been doing some sort of celebratory actvity, but I couldn’t. The more I reflected on the lists, the more I realized I would be living the same neglected life I had before. His list only included his individual needs. My list had individual and couple items.

20140422-235514.jpg

I feel like a misunderstood mime at times. I send important thoughts through emails because of this. I have had to learn how to effectively communicate, but often feel like he manipulates my words to his benefit. This is a very empty state of being. I came up with a metaphor comparing myself to an ATM machine. If there are no deposits made, you can’t withdraw anything. I am in desperate need of deposits, but that is not on his values list. I asked for the husband to spend more quality time with the wife. Of the examples I gave, he hesitantly agreed to do one possibly two. Date night to him equals watching a movie rental every Friday.

So I sent another email saying I want a husband that does x y z. As I was typing it I realized he is not that husband. While I desired to be a better wife over these months, he doesn’t appear to match that with his efforts. This account balance is negative and the machine has seized his card. It’s amazing the support I have found through others, but I truly want that to come from who I married. I don’t know much about his father, but it sounds like he spent very little quality time with his family.

I have found my voice and communication skills, as well as more of myself. I know I don’t want to be a neglected, invisible wife. What happens from here I’m not sure. I’m like a turtle who is constantly forced to retreat to the safety of its shell.

I do know this, in my faith the husband is supposed to love the wife as Christ loved the church. Love does not neglect or manipulate. Selfishness does. Marriages should be more about selflessness I have learned. When your partner, spouse or whatever expresses a great need do not leave a void. There is a danger in letting someone else make that person feel appreciated and valued.

So here I am in the safety of the shell. There’s just one problem, my greatest desire is to be out in the light experiencing the true benefits of a selfless kinda love.

Multiplication and Problem Solving

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, mental health, Relationships, Separation, Uncategorized

I opened a piece of mail at work today from www.poets.org.  I had forgotten that I had requested a poster for national poetry month. It has a Walt Whitman verse with the sky as a background.

“Failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged,

Missing me one place search another,

I stop somewhere waiting for you.”

Sometimes words swirl in my head and produce feelings that need to be identified due to their mystery.  I’m presently thinking about love and my avoidance of it.  I never trusted it much. I tried to push my husband away on my terms because how I love that one man.  Pushing and pulling, years and years of it.  I was very afraid of loving someone that much. As I reflect on my actions they just didn’t make much sense.  Gravity should have been going in the opposite direction all these years.

I tended to slip in and out of dark hiding places.  He would come to try and rescue or comfort me.  He was always trying to save me from myself.  I remember one evening he somehow ended up lying on the floor beside me and he said, “I can’t control what goes on in that little mind of yours, but I’m not going anywhere.” A lifetime trail of footprints of those that were before we created broken pieces of a heart that I tried to give to him.  You shouldn’t offer things to others that need repair.

wpid-aa59546654db1d44601efb15484c75a0.jpg

I look back over my virtual shoulder now and smile.  I’ve come a long way baby.  I feel strong, happy and free.  Hubby and I we’re like boomerangs that always find our way back to each other.  He doesn’t have the same wife though and I’m glad.  I’m thankful for this time, even under these crazy circumstances, that I have had to work on myself.  I’ve used exercise, prayer and therapy to become a better self.  I’ve been accomplishing things physically and emotionally that are amazing.

I will never forget the sermon where my pastor taught that anxiety and stress were a sin instead of a condition to be managed.  It changed how I looked at my behaviors.  I was able to take that to God in prayer and ask to be set free.  Panic attacks feel like heart attacks.  Depression was another long drawn out battle that I was often not the victor in.  I have not been depressed in months.  When I am overwhelmed now, I choose to exercise, pray or find something to be thankful for.

The puzzle isn’t solved.  I’ll continue to face challenges on this journey to becoming the best wife and mother and overall human I can possibly be.  Family is an unmeasurable treasure I took for granted.  I have had losses and gains over this last year.  I chose to start my day with yoga and prayer this morning.  I wanted something positive to focus on today.

Jude 1:2 – May mercy and peace and love be multiplied to you.

I have chosen to focus on this verse today.  A person that thrives in stress needs to become acquainted with peace.  A woman that was better at destroying than building a home needs mercy to have it restored.  Most importantly of all, everyone needs love.  All these things require a choice to be made to give.  Sometimes you may give more than you receive.  Some days my husband is unlovable, but I choose to love him because I remember the days where he chose to love me in times past.  We had one of the worst arguments we’ve had in a while last week via email and texting.  Buried in the center of his email was a statement of need, “I need you to be my wife and lady. Every man needs this.”  Those words made every other word disappear into nothingness.  I can meet this challenge, so I smile.  Every day I work on me and I celebrate every accomplishment.  I am helping others and that is the greatest gift of all.

Chasing Dreams

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Faith, Marriage, Relationships, Separation, Uncategorized

20140217-091024.jpg

I want to be a writer. I am currently more of a social worker in my employment. It makes me question everything. How did I end up working in public housing? Sometimes I feel trapped and overwhelmed by the enormous needs of the communities and families. I pray to be released, but the answer always comes back not yet. I was so frustrated that I just asked God why he derailed my career plans. His reply was that he is always among the broken, so that’s where he placed me. I know from experience God uses ordinary people to do extraordinary things, but I want to be a writer.

Today is my 40th birthday and I realize time goes by quickly and you can’t get it back. My son turned 18 nine days ago and I’ve been trying to give him wisdom from lessons of adulthood I’ve learned. He has a dream of being a music producer. I support my kid’s dreams, because it means a lot to a child to have parental support for almost impossible things. I now have many children across communities. Some neglected by young mothers who need armfuls of love to impact their situations. I never planned on having children and it’s ironic I now have hundreds. I hug them, ask how their day was, correct them when necessary and so on and so forth. I don’t even know how I got to this place, I just know the bible says the steps of the righteous are divinely ordered.

I want to write not for entertainment, but for impact. I was praying and thinking about tag lines yesterday. My original plan was to try and write funny blogs about my marriage. As I was praying yesterday, God just reminded me there’s not much humor in dysfunctional relationships. If you haven’t already figured it out, he’s derailing my blog plan. The divorce rate in this country is extremely high. I wonder if Americans realize the value of family. I pray every day for mine to be restored, because I didn’t know its value. My writing just may impact some person to fight like hell to save their family, even when the mountain looks unclimbable.

What makes my life unconventional? So many things. I raised two boys in sometimes extremely hard circumstances. There are reasons why women write angry songs. I left them to fly across an ocean to find love. I was my own immigration attorney for five years. I was homeless. I am finding healing in brokeness. I know how to arrange words so that they linger after I’m gone. I know where broken hearts go. I’m sure my new tagline will reveal something only I can do. Every life has a unique purpose.

For now, I will keep moonlighting as a social worker with no formal training or education. This is another reason I have so many prayers. I want to be free to live out my vision of me in cafes cranking out compelling stories. I want to write a novel that a reader can’t put down. This talent I was given is demanding attention, yet so are all those children. I also have single mothers in a program that guides them toward self-sufficiency. If you have an opportunity to help these communities, please do so. The smallest contribution has great effects. The work is exhausting and most times you feel like you’re spinning your wheels. Then in a flash, someone got a GED, several more are graduating college and another found a job. Thank God for my small staff who labor with me every day!

I’ll keep chasing my dream with the same compassionate heart. I may be the only chance of knowing God’s love some of these people may have. There is a gospel song that sings; AsI look back over my life and I think things over. I can truly say that I’ve been blessed. I’ve got a testimony. I have a story to tell through pictures and words, it’s called The Unconventional Life.

Do Something

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Marriage, Relationships, Separation

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness, errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds. It dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing.

– Anais Nin

I looked at these words sent to me in a text by my husband last week. My first thought was beautifully sad. Melancholy, something we both understand. That was my reply. He asked if an alternative would be better and my heart did backflips like an olympic gymnast fighting for gold. However, my feet have been glued to the mat like a clutz.

Fear of rejection has me frozen. I’m unsure of what to say or do. I can’t visit unannounced even though we’re married. I no longer know what to say to a person I used to talk to for hours. I want to run, leap and stick the landing, but I don’t know how.

James 2:24 So you see that people that are made right with God by what they do, not by faith only.

For the last six months I have been praying like I belong in a monastery. I have a prayer journal, prayers on notepad, prayers on post-its or scratch paper and notebooks. Prayers are everywhere! I thought if I could just find enough faith for a miracle it would all be ok.

DO SOMETHING

It was like hearing James Earl Jones on loud speaker. I suspiciously looked around the room. Naturally I was the only one God could’ve been talking to. Ever met a Christian that says they are waiting on the Lord for everything? I generally go in the other direction, but separation is a special case. I’ve been killing time with folded hands.

Doing something requires vulnerability. Vulnerability is terrifying. It’s like me sitting through a horror fest and the last scary movie I saw was Nightmare on Elm Street. Then the heavenly chorus sings the hook to Brave by Sara Bareilles. Say what you wanna say and let the words come out. I still love you and I don’t want a divorce! Honestly I wanna see you be brave. Can we please fix this? I don’t want to join the American divorce statistics.

Today is my eighth anniversary. I gave the signal that I was ready. With trembling hands and skipped heartbeats I told my husband happy anniversary. Four hours later I got the same wish back. I did a big exhale! I’m on baby steps, but my hands are unfolded and I’m going to try and move us out of this tragic situation. I hope he’s willing to do the same.

Happy Valentine’s Day!
image