Category: Spirituality

Remember Me When

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Relationships, Separation, Spirituality, Uncategorized, Yoga

I remember one day sitting on the floor tying my shoes and hearing God say, “Kathryn don’t follow Jude into darkness.”  While I wondered why I was hearing this particular instruction, I just said, “OK I won’t.”  I know why that happened.  I want to run full on into darkness right now, but I can’t because of my desire to be in God’s light.

Yesterday in yoga we were asked to set an intention.  My brain has just been scattered from thought to emotion for the last two weeks.  I’ve been asking my friends to tell me I’m not crazy.  That I just didn’t imagine the things happening for the last two years of my life.  There are just things that can’t be made up and so right now nothing makes sense to me.  I’ve written each synchronicity down in my journal so they even have dates attached to them.   I went back to the first occurrence yesterday on my mat.  The evening I went for prayer because loving Jude gave me anxiety.  I remember the couple that prayed for me and asking the lady, “You’re going to tell me to leave him right?  I should just leave cause my whole being is in panic mode.”  She said, “No read I Corinthians 13 and everything will be OK.”  God sent these people to me to prepare me for what was about to happen and to give me hope.  I knew this because time was running out and I knew Christian would go to jail soon.  The lady told me to pray and gave me the testimony of their son who had also spent time in jail.  After remembering this, I set the intention.

God my intention is to love Jude and myself unconditionally today.  My intention is to forgive myself for every time I’ve had to forgive him because I’m angry about repeating forgiveness.  I’m angry that I can’t find the bottom to the love I have for this person.  I’m disappointed in myself cause this doesn’t even make sense and the only thing I can do is to apply love to everything.  I know this because you had that woman instruct me to love like you and I never forgot your instructions.

I completed my practice yesterday in between YouTube sermons and meditations.  This is how I cope with separation. YouTube, yoga and candles.

I literally feel like an Elisha looking for an Elijah.   In my desperation I went for my second psychic visit.  The difference I have noted between prophets and physics is prophets don’t ask questions for verification.  Things like is this going on right now or do you know who this person could be.  Nope you will not get that from a prophet.  They will say the Lord says…… and that will be that.  They don’t need you to fill in the blanks.   Same cards, some of the same words equaled great frustration for me.

Perhaps I should just be Kat looking for Jesus.  He’s likely waiting for me in the woods.

My reiki session went much better.  Heart chakra was definitely out of alignment and Akilyah spent a lot of time at my crown chakra.  Our sessions begin and end with what the Haitian did to throw my energy fields out of whack most times.  She said I was very grounded and all the energy moving was in my heart and stomach area.  I whispered that my heart was broken and I was fighting anxiety.

When I got home I said, “God you have to give me something cause I’m just not making it.”  I heard Psalm 106.

Psalm 106:4-5 – Lord, remember me when you are kind to your people; help me when you save them.  Let me see the good things you do for your chosen people.  Let me be happy along with your happy nation; let me join your own people in praising you.

I’ve made some pretty big sacrifices recently that I didn’t complain about.  I did them out of love.  I ignored some instructions about timing.  Generally when I ignore the warning Jesus’s baby toe appears to step in.  This time even Jude’s ancestors stepped in.  That was quite an experience, but I figured out what they were trying to tell me.  Separate. Though my very soul feels like it might cave in, separate.  Separate while he learns to love himself, because without that he can’t love anyone.  I know the pain of his life.  I experienced it in a church service.  I saw our lives combine in a tunnel of white light as I hung over a chair sobbing.  I asked him long ago, “Do you see me?”  He smiled and nodded yes.  It takes special eyes to see me.  Two weeks ago he told me exactly what he saw and I just smiled.  I called him my beautiful mess and that he shall be for now.

I saw thread stitching my heart together in yoga class.  I saw him kneel behind me and the same thread began to stitch his heart and our separate threads became one.  We were planning our first trip to Haiti.  I have boxes of donations in my basement.  He had asked me to help him do his Father’s work.  Sometimes seeing what is supposed to be is unbearable.  As I know what he is struggling with because he drew it and his ancestors came to tell me, my hands are tied.  My eyes are tired.  My breath is sometimes shallow.  My chest aches.

Dear God please remember me when……

How Then Shall I Live

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Inspiration, mental health, mindfulness, Spirituality, Uncategorized

In the weekend’s closing ceremony we were told to reflect on the question how then shall I live. Our first guided meditation was around one door closing and another opening. Many of us lay on the floor crying. These complete strangers had become my monthly support group. A place where I was learning spiritual practices in a very diverse environment. I felt like I was flourishing into myself during the entire program.

The first meditation caught my attention. I sat on the porch of a craftsmen style house and looked over my shoulder at the closed door. I cried at the realization of losing my monthly group while at the same time feeling excited about the next phase of my journey.  I then saw myself standing on earth barefoot in front of a new door to open. The door I opened revealed an entire universe. As I realized I had no limits or boundaries, I thought it’s going to be ok.

I began our pilgrimage thinking about what was going on in my life. I laughed at the first message because I was thinking about my work. Somehow I will dream big.

I kept walking along the pilgrimage path with my group taking pictures to document my journey.

I learned of Tibetan prayer flags and loved seeing them blow in the breeze like whispers being sent to God.

In my final coaching session we discussed my most meaningful practices. They were meditation, conversations with nature, journaling and active imagination. My coach requested of me to write. I shared a poem and my conversation with water as my final offering. Writing is who I am so I assured her I would continue to share this gift. 

I’ve decided to pursue Native American spirituality. I need to get to know this part of myself. My family’s eyebrows raise higher and higher as do their concerns lol. They ask if I still believe in Jesus and I laugh and say of course! I realize though no one can dictate your spiritual path. You have to practice what is meaningful for yourself. The brave by the forest I saw during meditation awaits me.

I shall live in dreams and not fears. I shall live in love and forgiveness. I will not withhold the best parts of myself from others. I hope to give the gifts of laughter and faith. I shall continue with the practices that had meaning for me without regards as to their origin.

My flag had this simple prayer.

May I believe. May you believe. May we all believe. 

Simply prayed for anyone who has ever struggled with doubt and anxiety.

Namaste

Spiritual Paths Program-Conversation with Nature

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Inspiration, mindfulness, Spirituality, Uncategorized

I spent my day at the Lewis Ginter Botanical Gardens today.  Our program finally got to the session that connected us to nature!  My senses were overloaded and my spirit was so full with today’s experiences.  I am so excited to share my conversation with nature.  As always it was epic.

Grass:

“Oh honey welcome back!  After all these years welcome!  Take your shoes off and sit for a spell.  Do you remember how you loved to feel me under your feet as a child?  You never wanted to wear shoes.  Shoes were a form of restraint, but your little mind could not know the reason for the need to discard shoes.  Do you remember the barefoot walks with me and sunshine?  You were feeling and being then weren’t you honey?  You were beginning to know your identity and then life carried you away.

We knew you’d reconnect with us so we have been waiting for your.  Waiting for you to find your spirit and voice.  Creation has been waiting for you dear one.  Listen to the song of nature.  It is all around you.  Sometimes quiet.  Sometimes loud.  You prefer quiet due to the noise of those who are around you.  Silence is not reclusive little one.  Find your place in the univers and mark it.  Listen honey we are speaking widom to you today.  Profound wisdom.

You did not lose your connection to us.  It only seemed that way.  Another illusion right?  You keep wondering what is going on.  What is this experience.  It is the traveling of your ancestors to greet you.  They are waiting to show you things to connect to us to express who you truly are.  Your mentor’s referral will be your guiding lantern down this new path.

Aren’t we just splendid honey?!  Yes you too for you are a part of us.  You belong to us.  Your spirit is seeking a deeper connection to your true self.  Authenticity!

Listen to the song of the water.  You found it as an adult.  Many trials allowed you to hear the lyrics to her song.

Water:

I flow freely.  Sometimes in many directions.  You hear freedom when you are near me.  Freedom to drop the burdens given to you as weights by others.  Others always needing you.  Flow Kathryn.  Just be and flow.  Let your hands be emptied.  Let your shoulders be light and unbridled.  Set your soul free.  Let your gentleness come as rushing power carrying the needy ones upstream.  I transform.  You transform.  Though you found me in turmoil and storms, you were cleansed.  Cleansed of human prisons containing you as you sat at my shores.  Cleansed of words spoken to confine and destroy you as you sat at my shores.  You brought your children to me and purged them of fear by baptizing them in my waves.  You gave them courage and independence.  You gave them the best parts of yourself with instructions to never let others take it away.  Hear my message in ripples.  That we, all of creation, all of the divine partner with you on your journey.  May you be well.  May you be whole.  You are loved.

Grass:

My barefoot warrior never let the darkness of others dim or extinguish your light.  You illuminate.  Even as night lingers on and you are wondering where is dawn, simply illuminate Kathryn.  The braves are waiting for you in the forest, your refuge.  Beat the rhythm of your internal drum when you find them for it is a rhythm like no other.  See ya soon honey!

 

 

 

From Him to Eternity 

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Spirituality, Uncategorized

One day I saw a black king who introduced me to my shadow

I began to catch the breeze of the Divine in an upstream dance against the current

Earth began to shift and loosen under my feet like landslides

But kisses placed me in skies amongst clouds

Cause my heart was screaming I love you as its rhythm pounded in my chest

Memories of passion so intense had me trapped in purgatory cause I didn’t want no other

Dear God let me rest here for a few lifetimes

Even if praise turns to blues 

I shall cry my tears in a melody that can be sung by angels

With notes that I left on his skin with my tongue

I’m addicted

This high has extreme lows

As shadow meets ego in a tango

Where whores struggle to be monogamous in realistic fantasies

This is life

This is the present moment

This is flip a coin and choose fight or flight

This is a high stakes poker game where everyone is in an elusive disguise

Lay those cards on the table and risk it all as he parts your seas

Pray to the gods that the mystic’s cards were right when their images said stay

Stay in the frightening place and grow roots to your new self

For he just came to teach you that self-love is love in its highest form

That gray produced by co-mingling of black and white is revelation

That awakening from dormancy is enlightment

That you are indeed cleopatra and twin flame

That you are his peace and he brings you joy

That life without love is empty and fullness is like warmth wrapped around your shoulders

Is that alright?

 

Spiritual Paths Program

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Inspiration, mindfulness, Spirituality, Uncategorized

As I entered the retreat center I was struck by natural beauty and peace. My eyes wanted to absorb everything as my senses were on overload. I escaped to take pictures on breaks.

I took my place in the circle and joined the others for a brief meditation. My personal world had been spiraling down like a crashing plane, but I fought to be present.  The opening poem resonated with my soul and it only got better from there. 

In our opening session we read our spiritual autobiographies in small groups and followed the Quaker meeting format. I loved the Quaker format! I loved my group! The connection I felt to each individual was amazing. We were like pieces to a unique puzzle. Three of us were creatives and two were lawyers. Sharing our spiritual journeys was one of the most positive experiences I’ve ever had. Our session ended by walking a labryinth with two stones. We had to let something go by placing one stone in a bowl of water at the end of the circle.

As my time to start walking approached I became overwhelmed by how much I was carrying in my heart. I began to cry because I needed to find the most important thing to release, but I had so many. I began walking and quickly realized I wanted to run. I didn’t want to feel the pain inflicted on my heart by others. The others were walking so slowly that I had no choice but to follow in the manner that they were walking. Many were crying. I tried not to see or hear them because my cries would have quickly become sobs. My heart was hurting. My breaths were irregular. With each step I envisioned hurtful words spoken over me by others falling in the forms of knives from my heart. I then envisioned the wound being stitched and completely healed. The walk didn’t take very long, but it seemed like forever. 

A couple of weeks later I met with my mentor in the program. She has studied mystics and has a connection to nature. As we sat at the table I explained visions, dreams and synchronicities regarding Jude and myself. I wanted to know how could I see all this stuff about us, but in the natural everything be crazy. She called me a mystic and instructed me to leave my relationship open-ended. I wanted a final form of punctuation, but went with her suggestion. She said Jude and I were connected spiritually. In my heart I knew this, but my experience with Haitian love is beyond exhausting. 

Our second session focused on different meditation styles; walking, chanting, body scans, etc. I suck at walking meditation lol. It was once again hard to be present due to life with a Haitian. Jesus have mercy! Our homework was to create a meditation style we could practice in between sessions. I chose to find a positive quote or scripture, set an intention and end with a loving kindness meditation. Anxiety tends to have me focus on negative thoughts so I’ve been very happy with my new practice. I have kept the intentions of love and forgiveness. Yesterday I found scriptures that really moved me.

 Someone there among you has caused sadness, not to me, but to all of you. I mean he caused sadness to all in some way. (I do not want to make it sound worse than it really is.)  The punishment that most of you gave him is enough for him.  But now you should forgive him and comfort him to keep him from having too much sadness and giving up completely.  So I beg you to show that you love him.  I wrote you to test you and to see if you obey in everything.  If you forgive someone, I also forgive him. And what I have forgiven—if I had anything to forgive—I forgave it for you, as if Christ were with me.  I did this so that Satan would not win anything from us, because we know very well what Satan’s plans are. – 2 Corinthians 2:5-11 

Sadness has been an understatement in my life recently more like despair. My heart has been broken about every 30 days for months. As we argued via text message I focused on those words and my intention. I remembered Rumi’s words that light enters through cracks. I am full of light. I chose positive over negative. I am living my truth as homework. Ironies!

In our last session I saw a Native American brave invite me to journey down a forest trail with him. He was riding a horse and I felt such amazing strength. This program is transforming me in subtle yet life altering ways. I feel my Native American heritage calling my soul to explore. I will be meeting soon with the contact my mentor gave and she agreed to take me into nature.

Most are seeking religion. I have learned that religion divides. Spirituality connects. I am so thankful for this journey and the opportunity to share what I can. 

May you be well. May you be happy. May you be in peace.

Falling Into Belief 

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Inspiration, Spirituality, Uncategorized, youth

In March last year my staff and I met with the executive team. I was given 12 months notice my job was ending. That day felt like the rescue team had finally found me. I have never had such negative work experiences as my last two jobs. I felt unshackled on this day. Last week it hit me I was almost at the 90 day mark. I began to become afraid and then I remembered.

I had gotten a license plate message a few days before my almost panic attack. Simultaneously I have been ending one job and beginning another as Executive Director of STORY. I never saw myself as a visionary before. I was always the planner. Give me your vision and I will give you the steps and supportive lighting needed to make that dream come to life. I’m good, no great at that. My comfort zone, but am I growing here? Am I challenged here? What began to happen when God made me the visionary?

I was like Gary Coleman lol. “Say what Anna? You mixed up your people! This is the introvert that likes to stay behind the scenes.”

Kathryn tell your story. 

I found myself surrounded by children. Their faces keeping me up at night. I had to find a solution for them. I had to find funding for myself, assistant and intern. Woah! I shared my concerns at a prayer meeting. My brain was not accepting this new role. I wanted to be a part of a community relations team, but I along with the Executive Director of the housing authority had just founded a new organization. The minister wrote a scripture on a piece of paper and brought it over to me. 

Philippians 4:7 – And God’s peace, which is so great we cannot understand it, will keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

She simply said, “Kathryn you were made to do this. Confess this over yourself.”

I wanted to protest, but……

And…..

And…

And…

I couldn’t. I couldn’t walk away from these kids that needed someone to be their collective voice. These are the kids that are stereotyped because they live in public housing. These are the kids that show up every day despite the odds. Our goal was to register 25. We currently have 43. I went over the limit. And then….
I told my story just like God asked me to. I had to live in transitional housing with my first son. My life completely fell apart and I was hopeless and tired. I prayed for a free place to live and it showed up. I was given a whole team to help me put my life back together. It took almost two years. I was the one all those years ago that advocated for the homeless.

My story.

We received our first grant from the Cameron Foundation. This Thursday I will receive our second grant from the John Randolph Foundation. No one knew except those very close to me how hard last year was for me personally,  but I tried to remain focused on my work. I am very humbled by the amount of support being given to me.

This month I have been really contemplating situations, habits and people in my life. I’ve always had lingering doubt. I don’t want that anymore. There are several things I don’t want anymore. Lack of belief, fear and anxiety are stumbling blocks I’m hoping to hurdle this year. 

Everything is on the line. It’s coming down to the wire. I’m staring at Goliath in the form of not enough funding. I’m shouting at the mountain to move out of my way. I’m but one person in a universe of many. My hands reach back for theirs and we go forward together.

Please join us.

The Next Chapter

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Inspiration, mindfulness, Relationships, Spirituality, Uncategorized

On the eve of his sixteenth Christmas we wept. It’s been a long year. Only a few days left and I am thankful.

This year I have tried to become a better person by giving love and compassion to those whose actions have hurt me. It hasn’t been easy. Some actions I just truly don’t understand. Love does not harm. Love gives and protects. Love is sacred. 

I no longer have to visit the Richmond Justice Center. It was the longest six months of my life. It was the saddest experience seeing nothing but black men locked up. I’m praying he makes better life choices.

Be free and fly.

I’m letting go of the relationship with the Haitian. Yesterday I dreamed of a border collie lost in traffic. I knew it was me. I know I have been losing myself in another relationship because my partner is miserable within themself. The yogi in me says return to the earth that which is no longer serving you. Self-sacrifice is no longer serving me. Drama from divorces is overated. Om.

As I watched you sleep I was planning how to say goodbye.

As I read the meaning of seeing a collie appear in a dream I came to realize I’ve been taking care of everyone but myself. I plan to explore self care and compassion in 2017.  I’ve watched many youtube videos by Ralph Smart this year. I paid close attention to the relationship ones. You attract a reflection of yourself. I need some tweaking and fine tuning! I must laugh cause the actions of the Haitian has my family in an uproar on Christmas. If only they knew. Unconditional love was my only arsenal weapon to the wounds he has inflicted on my heart. I kept hoping that I would get to the buried beauty within him, but I find I am now exhausted. Time to move on.

I couldn’t have survived this year without your support.

A new journey begins as a detour from organized religion. I began the spiritual paths program this month at the Chrysalis Institute. I’ve been assigned a mentor and I feel this will be an epic experience. I get to explore different facets of spirituality and become my best version. I know that every experience and person that enters your life are to help you evolve. 

2016 has been one test after another. My focus has been on drama caused by others. I am not carrying this behavior into a new year. I was given an end date to working in a toxic environment. Surprisingly there is no anxiety around not knowing what will become of my employment. Only gratitude.  I am thankful that I too will join the others who have been freed from the most horrible work experience we have ever had. Please, if you are a supervisor apply servant leadership techniques and have appreciation for your team.

I looked up at numerous quotes and this one spoke to me. Success equals new beginnings next year. Success equals greater kindness as I continue to serve others. There is such great joy in giving. Success equals healthy relationships.  I believe there is someone special who will embrace my weirdness, however I may have to first deal with my obsession with chocolate foreigners.  😩 Victory is smiling when you have every reason to cry. 

Before It Gets Beautiful 

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Inspiration, mental health, mindfulness, Spirituality, Uncategorized

Today I find myself surrounded by the mountains of Roanoke, Virginia. I have been desiring to be in the mountains for months. When everything around me is swirling in madness my soul tells me to run into nature to find peace. The beauty of mountains is always my first choice.

I feel like I have been seated in the middle of a whirlwind for too long. I reconciled with the Haitian only to have to leave again yesterday. It’s amazing what can happen in 24 hours. We were waiting on takeout a couple of weeks ago and he said, “It’s been over a year with us and you keep fighting me.” I told him his craziness always caused me to leave. Inviting this level of drama into my life becomes exhausting.

I began to think of us as animals. I see myself as an eagle that needs to reach a higher altitude. I can’t continue to let people or circumstances keep me from the journey I must travel . Even if I love them. Even if we’re so strongly connected I feel like I’m looking into a mirror in his eyes. Eagles don’t change altitudes to mingle with chickens . I keep telling him this, but he isn’t strong enough to tell the people in his life he has a separate journey to travel. I look at how unproductive these people make him and it makes me very sad. I can’t remain in a rut with someone just because I love them. Stagnant things eventually die.

I was experiencing anxiety again a few days ago and I heard so clearly perfect love casts out all fear . 

1 John 4:18 – There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear involves punishment, so the one who is afraid is not perfected in love.

I stood where I was trying to make sense of what I was hearing. I knew Jude had come into my life to teach me how to love differently. I just honestly don’t understand what I am supposed to do. How does one become perfected in love? I do yoga, try to practice peace when anger is telling me to punch someone, I give until I have nothing sometimes. Yet he still makes me afraid. We are together and the fear returns every time. I am not perfected in love. He is not willing to change at the moment. Do either of us even know what divine love is or how to give it?

I put reiki candles and crystals in his room recently. I bought us both meditation incense. My brain was saying create peace around him so you will have peace. I forgot to burn the damn sage lol. I’ve been scrambling to place this here and put that there and fix this and so on and so forth. I think I’ve been trying to build a fortress of sorts to make myself feel safe. I suppose love can’t enter a fortress. 

I took this picture of him last weekend on our way from breakfast. I had really wanted to say hey babe let’s take a silly selfie, but I was afraid. I was too afraid to ask him to take a picture and I really don’t know why. 

So here we are separated again as we were making preparations to leave the country. I asked my journal last night if yesterday morning was the last time I would see Jude. Then I stumbled across Oprah youtube videos with Dr. Michael Beckwith about vibrational frequencies and empowering questions. This morning I wrote the empowering questions without the low vibrational frequencies. I travel this path alone cause it’s sounding a little crazy and I think my kid needs to go to church more lol. I had an epiphany one day though. Anyone who encounters God encounters a powerful energetic force that completely changes them. That force draws you in even if you’re hiding in a fortress.

I see colors, light and energy connecting myself and the Haitian . He commented about the crystals and candles without completely giving me the whole story. Amethyst, jade, selenite and more are now on his nightstand. My soul knows he’s already been where I need to go spiritually. Even down to becoming a pescatarian. I also know in the natural I am where he needs to be. He said he would show me the meaning of energy when we got to Haiti.

Super Soul Sunday 

I don’t know what needs to happen for this to work. I feel like it’s supposed to work. I feel like each has what the other needs. Hopefully soon it will be as beautiful as it is in my visions and dreams. 

Divine Plans

by The Unconventional Life, posted in depression, Inspiration, mental health, mindfulness, Relationships, Spirituality

Zephaniah 3:17-18 – The Lord your God is with you; the mighty One will save you. He will rejoice over you. You will rest in his love; he will sing and be joyful about you. I will take away the sadness from you that would have made you very ashamed.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of my first conversation with the Haitian. A bittersweet moment. I don’t really know how to be or feel. I had started warning him our anniversary was coming up last month. It was exciting for me and a wow for both of us. In less than a year, together we had survived circumstances that had destroyed both of our marriages. Driving in the car one day watching the world through the window I said to him we survived. Later he put his arms around me in the kitchen and said, “You’re a strong woman. It takes a lot to deal with me.”

I remember waking up one morning in the beginning  and God saying, ” I need you to be with him in this season because you’re strong enough to handle what he’s about to go through.” I sat on the edge of my bed and looked at the floor. I had only one thought, why. I had just struggled through HARD. Like so hard I came through it crawling on the days that walking was impossible. Two separations had stopped me in my tracks. Days kept coming and going, but I was literally still for eight months. And then Jude. So I have this conversation with God and my whole body began to feel heavy. I thought self you really don’t want to do hard again. You can already sense the magnitude of this trial. And I just heard again you’re strong enough. I sighed and said ok I’ll honor your request of me.

And the winds picked up at such a force that I questioned the strength I supposedly had. His life was like woah. I was too scared to ask what else could happen cause it just seemed to get worse on its own. No sense in prompting the universe with questions. We would argue and he’d say you’re just going to leave me like every other person in my life. That would make me so angry. One day I just yelled back, “Where am I going?! I should’ve left by now and I’m standing here. I’m not leaving you.” That’s a hard truth for a person who needs to overcome abandonment issues. I know because he is me, we are the same. 

I read in his journal one day that both parents had died in front of him. I could feel deep grief on the page. Grief he never shared with me. Sometimes sadness would appear as tears in his eyes, but it came with no words. So I prayed. I prayed because he did things to hurt me, to test me. His actions were saying I bet you’ll leave if I do this or that. I got so tired and I said, “God what do I do with this one you gave me?” He only replied love him. Just keep loving him. Hurt people hurt others. It’s a self-protecting behavior I know all too well. It declares I will push you away because I have grown to love you and me hurting myself will hurt less than me risking you hurting me.

In my eight months of stillness everything about my spiritual life started to change. There was all of this law of attraction buzz and I was like I need to understand how this works. I’m still learning, but it didn’t make sense how he found me. He matter of factly said to me one day that I had drawn him to me. I was like how do you draw someone if you’re hiding from life on your couch. It just didn’t make sense. 

As the months passed I knew he was sent to teach me a different realm to loving. At times it made me very angry and frustrated. I’ve physically felt the weight of God’s love to the point I asked him to stop sending it before I fainted. I felt myself getting dizzier and dizzier and my only thougt was what kind of love is this. That was my gift from Jude. He has the heart of God. I’ve experienced its beauty. That’s what kept me.

In these last weeks my analytical mind has been telling me all sorts of things. Like you’re crazy. You can’t hear the voice of God. Settle for less than what you know is possible. Some days I flip and flip through the prayers and answers in my journal trying to silence the negative voices. Self-doubt has had me always seek confirmation from others for years. Even now. My journal pages say on different days Kathryn everything will be ok. Jude loves you. When anxiety would overtake me Jude would grab me and say everything will be ok. He never got tired of reassuring me, I was teaching him patience. He’d try to infuse all of the hope within himself to me.

I was standing in his kitchen when I heard God say, “Give him back to me.” Now I was like hold up abba I just got him back and now you want him back again. And I saw a vision standing there I’d had before of myself dancing. I knew that meant I wasn’t being given an option and that God would be there to again pick up the pieces. He has lessons to learn and I’d just get in the way. I have to focus on my work because it’s the stepping stone to my future. 

Anxiety. Depression. Two enemies I must defeat. This too shall pass. I wear the necklace he gave me as a reminder to not doubt the last year. He literally threw it at me. Go figure life with a Haitian.  I gave it back with a note saying this is not how to give a gift place it around my neck. He called the next day and said he wouldn’t tell me again not to return gifts a Haitian gave lol. When I saw him he put it around my neck complaining the whole time. He said, ” I must fucking love you this is a diamond.” I of course didn’t know how to respond since he seemed upset at knowing this lol. I will never forget the day he said very quietly, “You’re my best friend.” 

I recently sent him an email thanking him for gifts of laughter, love and acceptance. I’m the seer who knows the journey he is on. And no I can’t travel it with him. 

Dear universe you know what I want and I’m trying to rest in the knowledge that everything will be ok. After all it was in your divine plan for me.