Category: Uncategorized

Through it all, there was a dog

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Uncategorized

The Trailhead's avatarThe Trailhead

Seven years ago, when my first marriage of fifteen years unexpectedly went belly up, I was involuntarily launched on what Joseph Campbell calls the Hero’s Journey. There are other names for this kind of experience. The writer Elizabeth Lesser calls it the Phoenix Process. Dante called it “the dark woods.” Whatever you call it, it’s a time of upheaval, pain, and eventually, transformation.  And to be sure, the year I spent ending my marriage and recovering – perhaps from the marriage as much as the divorce – was one of the most powerful and potent of my life. I still look back on it with a sense of respect and awe.

What I didn’t understand for a long time, though, was that the year of my divorce was only the opening act in a much longer voyage. Life had a great deal more in store for me than merely the…

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Closing the book

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Uncategorized

chanyado's avatarchanyado

You get married and you think this is the man you will spend the rest of your life with.

Then life happens.

You separate, and for the next three years you don’t see him. You don’t hear his voice. The soft lilt in his Rs. You don’t see him ruffled up in the morning before he puts on his armour to face the world. You don’t smell him in the corridor before you leave the house. You don’t see his name pop up on your phone. You don’t know what song he belts out as he drives with the window down and Bluetooth earpiece on. You don’t know what person he thinks is a complete muppet. You don’t hear the word muppet anymore. You never have to put the toilet seat down.

You begin to wonder if you dreamed the whole thing up.

The waves now wash over you once every…

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Welcome to Baga

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Uncategorized

Pray for Nigeria. My husband thinks civil war will break out soon. I hope he’s wrong.

Olamide Oti-Akappo's avatar

Welcome to Baga
where nightmares live
and dreams go to die
I had heard the men talk in low tones about what they did to Chibok
and how the nation stood still for a day and moved on

Mama never thought they would come
we have soldiers here, she would brag
oh but you see, they did
last night while men slept, they crept in on us 
plundered our lands and set our homes on fire

It burned so beautifully that it reminded me of the fireworks last Christmas 
mama and papa were taken away in that van
perhaps they will be back tomorrow 

my shoes were left behind
the ones mama bought me for school
but my life is worth more
and so I ran through the forest until I came to a temporary place of solace
where a million other children dwelt

Every night since Baga
I wake…

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And Then There Was Light

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, mental health, Relationships, Spirituality, Uncategorized

Colossians 4:2 – Continue praying, keeping alert and always thanking God.

I have been absent from the blogosphere because of so many changes happening so quickly in my life. It’s been truly amazing and I am so grateful for small miracles.

I just experienced one of the darkest years of my life, but I managed to find peace in the midst of so much turmoil. I did this through prayer, worship, exercise and yoga. For 13 months I only had two goals. Survive the turmoil by taking one day at a time and allow God to develop my character.

It wasn’t easy! Have you ever had one of those days where you feel crushed by problems and it throws you into depression and/or anxiety? Last week I had serious financial problems. A year ago I would have completely shut down from not having enough money. Today I acknowledged there was a problem, prayed and waited for God to provide the solution. Everything fell into place just in time. My husband looked at me and said, “Do you ever think about how God has perfect timing?” I laughed because about a minute earlier I had said a prayer of thanks for the very thing he was questioning me on.

I have started practicing yoga headstands when I feel myself getting anxious. I call it changing my perspective. There’s just something about being upside down. It allows me to visualize all the worries or problems falling from my mind while meditating on biblical promises. Quirky remedy, but it works for me and I have much stronger abs lol.

I never imagined I would be in a mental space of contentment. I had to release the need to control everything and everyone. Any drama being brought into my life by others was classified as optional. When pursuing peace it is not possible to live in chaos caused by drama. I had to choose the healthiest option for my own mind and spirit.

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Integrating into the Instagram yoga and exercise community has been amazing. I have so much encouragement from total strangers. I love the yogis who post insightful quotes with their pictures. Love and release of expectations are at the center of my practice. I do not have to be the overachiever driven by an insane need for success. Not to say I haven’t been like I can do that and tried some pose knowing better. I have. I’m a work in progress. When this happens I just remind myself I am not in competition with anyone. This is my journey and it’s ok to be happy with where I am in that moment. I am grateful for this paradigm shift in my thinking, it didn’t come easily.

I am grateful that I have stripped my Christian walk all the way down to the basics through prayer. Love is as basic as it gets. If people practiced the act of giving love more we would live in a better environment.

I sat one day and read some of the prayers I had written in my journal over the last year. I noticed there was so much need, but an overall lack of gratitude in the beginning for what I had. I have learned to be thankful for every small blessing. It’s amazing at what hikes and yoga mats will show you.

My home is happy and consolidated now. The husband returned with a puppy that I absolutely love. I have found a comfortable place to be in as a wife. I did not have this before. We are working together instead of separately. I made it through a very tough time with my oldest son. No parent ever wants to see their child at the mercy of a court of law. I prayed through asana after asana. I dedicated hours of yoga practice towards the reconciliation of my family. Everything is not perfect, but God finally spoke to my storm and said let there be light.

I learned to dance in the rain with a grateful heart. Heart openers are some of my favorite poses. You can’t receive anything if your heart is closed. For better or worse were the words I spoke almost nine years ago. So glad that the worse seems to finally be behind me.

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How I feel. No really.

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, depression, Faith, Marriage, Relationships, Separation, Uncategorized

How do I feel? That’s a loaded question I’ve been trying to avoid thinking about. The last two days have been very challenging. I feel exhausted, heartbroken, lonely, sad and hopeless.

I have no desire to live in an indefinite limbo. Not one part of me understands why I am married to someone I haven’t seen in two months. I had started the mental process of giving up last week. And then there was the text where he called me baby. I turned my head in all directions. I looked at the confirmation, yes baby, not knowing what to text afterwards. Naturally I asked why. Why do you refer to me with such a loving term when your actions scream otherwise at me? Your actions make me feel like I am nothing. That emptiness will be my only companion. He questioned what I had expected to be called. Nothing.

I have chosen exercise to try and cope with the ache in my heart. I don’t get to choose which days are harder than others. Eeyore days randomly choose me. I listened to Joyce Meyer yesterday preach on why feelings shouldn’t be a major factor making decisions. She spoke on their ability to derail everything. She used the scripture I had read right before turning on the podcast. Probably not a coincidence.

Galatians 6:9 – So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.

Did I mention I was tired and I can’t take anymore? My therapist is clever. I had stopped praying because I was afraid. That is the wrong thing to tell a Christian therapist. Yes, he made me pray last session. He said pray and declare over your family Kathryn and so I did. He then asked if I understood why he was giving me these instructions. Yes, because praying God’s will would not intentionally harm me was my reply.

I’m six months shy of my ninth anniversary. I remember leaving my two small children to fly across an ocean to marry someone. I remember fighting a five year immigration battle alone. I remember spending months researching immigration cases trying to get my husband here faster alone. Taking a suitcase full of clothes to a nephew I would never meet when he had nothing. I remember all the sacrifices I have made and that’s why I feel an indescribable amount of pain. How can you shift what hurts so bad?

I have so many unanswered questions. I keep trying to understand why there is no fulfillment. I am only half of the equation. My mind knows how a husband is supposed to love a wife and how that love would be multiplied and returned in greater quantities. I have nothing to increase or return. I return neglect with silence. Inevitably this will result in a negative outcome. Perhaps this is a cultural divide as wide as the grand canyon, but that doesn’t make it alright.

Today I am wallowing. I know that is not good. I feel so tired of living life this way. I’m only human. My heart wants to believe and hope in every biblical promise. It’s just hard when prayers continually go unanswered. It’s even harder when all you can hear are the lyrics to Jealous by Beyonce with head bowed and hands clasped. Perhaps that is my prayer. I relate to those words. I hate you for your lies and your colors. I hate us for making good love to each other. If you’re keeping your promise I’m keeping mine. Amen

I can only hope for a better tomorrow where laughter comes from deep within my soul instead of the tears that so frequently overflow from my heart.

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Sink Way Deep Down

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, depression, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, mental health, Relationships, Separation, Uncategorized

There has been such tragedies in the news over the last week. Momentum building with one story after another. Eric Garner strangled to death by choke hold. Michael Brown murdered in Ferguson. Robin Williams commits suicide because of depression. Two more black males murdered by law enforcement. People fleeing persecution in Iraq. I spent most of my week weeping for people I don’t even know.

I may never meet them, but I have prayed for them. My oldest son is 18. I tried to talk to him after the Michael Brown tragedy, but I honestly could barely find words. The picture I had seen of the mother brought my breath to a halt. Only a photograph can capture that level of agony. I carried that image in my mind for days.

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Photo credit: Huy Mach

I’ve carried pain in my heart for months. Shifting it around, trying to lessen the load. Praying, breathing, meditating and stretching beyond my current self. There is a lot going on in my life. My marriage is still at a complete halt. I can at this moment say I’m neither married nor single. I live in question mark status. Nevertheless, I’m going to rely on the one who never changes. Jesus. He is trying to get me to be a better human through all of this. Pain causes you to grow.

 

I had decided to close my joint account last week and begin processing divorce in minuscule increments. Even that seemed to be too much. A text from my husband came at 5:45 a.m. Do not close the joint account. Translation is simple, we are not taking the first step towards divorce. I could only type ok.

I have read Proverbs 31 many times trying to figure out how to become this woman for my family. I have worked so hard on self-improvement over the last year. I’ve been waiting on my sons and husband to notice. For someone to call me blessed. My son called me crazy a few days ago. I really contemplated his one word description of me based on my past actions and it made me very sad.

I have been taking yoga classes every Sunday and Tuesday. It’s becoming something I need to do to start my week peacefully. Reflecting on all the violence stemmed from hatred in the news I placed my mat on the floor. I was praying for a scripture to focus on during the class. In front of me was a yogi that had a stone placed on her mat. I know that has to do with chakras and energy. Our instructor wanted to chant. I abstained, but I listened to the beautiful sound it made and it left me with a very good feeling. I have been dedicating my yoga practice to God healing myself and my family. So many different people and beliefs in one room and there was no hatred. Maybe some have life complications, but we all left it on the mat. I was the only brown person in the room, but I felt peace not fear.

Romans 14:9 – So let us try to do what makes peace and helps one another.

I honor each life experience. For experience teaches wisdom and we should never grow tired of learning. Every life has value. Every problem a solution. Your belief may be different from mine, but I serve a God of such an amazing love. I am going to do my very best to share this love with my family and whomever else I’m destined to encounter. I also believe we should love our planet and the animals that don’t speak human. Let your roots sink way deep down as storms will come from time to time. Like yogis you will find we have the ability to bend and not break.

I am very grateful for every person that took the time to pray for me and my family over the last year. I am thankful we are all here. I am thankful that I know God is no respector of persons. I am thankful that miracles can arise from the most horrific circumstances. I am thankful God restores the broken. Namaste.

Darling I Am Here For You

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, Relationships, Separation, Uncategorized

If you love someone be present.

Darling I am here for you. I am here exposed as naked as I can be in a brightness like a surgeon’s light in an operating room. Will you cut me open and discover what lies beneath my surface? I am here even when I don’t want to be. I am present. No longer hiding behind locked doors or barricaded in between walls. I am present. I proudly raise my hand like a kindergartner when you call my name and acknowledge I am here with you.

Whether it be familiar or unknown. Light or dark. I am here with you to express and discover love as it changes and takes on new forms. It’s meaning may change with seasons, but I will always be present in the words I do. I will accept challenges. I will pursue peace with all my might. I will love and be loved because it is my divine right to do so. I am now. Not future or past. Not unforgiving or anxious. Just now. I am a gentle touch, a reassuring word, a prayer warrior.

I am part of a family no matter its challenges. My identity is weaved amidst each member. My security and assurances recorded in ancient text in chapters and verses. I am present to be in my role acknowledging that I have purpose. Accepting my responsibilities. I am present to participate. I am present to live.

I feel love at my fingertips. In my heart. At the brush of your lips in happier times. Love’s energy flows through each step that connects with earth. Love is captured in each photographed memory. Close your eyes and remember its sound. Darling I am here for you. I am here exposed as naked as I can be.

The Heart of the Matter

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, Relationships, Separation, Uncategorized

Two therapy sessions ago I was a bit panicked because I could not hear God. That meant Kathryn was doing nothing. Being in stealth mode waiting for instructions for undetermined amounts of time brings me face to face with anxiety. So we prayed, God spoke and the game of hide and seek was over.

We also prayed in my next session. What I heard made me angry and I wanted to politely ask Jesus to be quiet without fear of being struck by lightning. His words to me were Kathryn your husband is broken restore him back in love. My eyes immediately opened and I raised my voice at my therapist in protest. “This is not fair! What about me? Why do I have to keep trying when he acts like a complete jackass?” I was beyond upset, crying with no kleenex and waiting for my therapist to agree God was being unfair.

That’s not what happened. He very calmly told me I was holding on to unforgiveness and I needed to lay it down. Crying turned to sobbing, because I am hurdling offenses sometimes on a daily basis. I think I have kept going even though I have knocked down many hurdles I was unable to jump. I was asked if I was ready to pray over my own broken heart and lay it down. It was a very fast prayer because I didn’t want to hear anymore about the other party. I got the raised brow look from my therapist and I’m sure we’ll revisit this at some point.

The test came several days later. My husband just showed up because I didn’t answer the phone. I had plans for a pork festival that included beer tasting. As I stood there looking at him I knew barbecue and I would not meet up as I had planned. Apparently my facial expression was trying to communicate what my mouth wasn’t. When asked why I looked like I had a problem, I just looked at the floor. God give me strength to sacrifice southern barbecue and beer was my prayer.

He slept for hours and I sat in front of the TV. Of course I was annoyed, but I remembered my session. I referred back to my notes and I made a very hard decision. I decided to do as I was told and have dinner ready when he woke up. I wasn’t perfect in my actions, I grumbled and complained. Jesus and I were at odds, but above all else I truly desire to be in his image. It is beyond challenging! The husband woke up and I served him dinner and he left.

The emptiness you feel when nothing is returned for your giving can really mess with your mind. I was searching the bible this morning for something to hold onto today. Psalm 51 is going to have to be my lifeline for now.

Create in me a pure heart,God and make my spirit right again.Lord you really know I want to stand on a chair and punch him in the face, but someone made this phrase WWJD and I just can’t. Please help!

Give me back the joy of your salvation. Keep me strong by giving me a willing spirit.Abba here’s my own broken heart. Restore me in love as I try very hard to obey. It’s not always perfect, but please give me a pass for effort. May I never have to take this spiritual test again!

This week I have reflected on the state of my own heart and yup I have issues. Lord only knows when I will get out of therapy. God has a sense of humor though. All my devotionals for the last week have touched on difficult marital circumstances. I woke up this morning in tears because this doesn’t really feel like a marriage of any sorts and I’m just honestly burnt out. And then the devotional said the grace to keep going. Unbelievable!

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I’m just a person. This is my documented journey. I know others share in my struggles. Millions of them. So if we get to the very heart of the matter, love, the strength to accomplish everything else will eventually appear. This agape love is a mofo. Whew! I don’t understand the way God loves. I would have wiped us out a long time ago, but I’m trying and I hope I inspire someone to do the same.

I’ve been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it’s about forgiveness
Forgiveness

In the Moment

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, mental health, Relationships, Separation, Uncategorized

I had no plans after dropping my sons off at their destinations. The easiest choice would have been to take my usual place on the couch and watch HGTV. This has been my Saturday routine for months. Today I grabbed my new journal and headed for Barnes and Noble. I’ve spent too many hours absorbing home remodeling shows. I will never be able to complete an extreme home makeover no matter what my Bob the Builder voice keeps telling me.

Bookstore with Starbucks included. This is my happy place! I can think here, resting in the over-sized green chair. Sunlight warms the back of my neck and I just am. I very seldom take pause moments. I have a need to stay busy. I think business is one of my avoidance techniques. It allows me to avoid overthinking my problems. I am that girl that can give you multiple plans for any complication. Analyze life from every direction. I like to know the steps to the entire path before the journey begins. Will my therapist ever be able to help me hurdle this obstacle?

What would I love to avoid right now? I have no clue how to interact with my husband right now. It’s either awkward or angry. This mess seems irreparable, but we keep holding on. I have only one logical answer for this. Some part of both of our hearts remembers how much it loves the other. It remembers that solemn vows were made years ago on a hot Nigerian day. It remembers loving over time and distance and the longest immigration battle.

My heart remembers the exact moment I got cold feet while waiting for our turn to be married. I can easily find my way back to that time. I gave him a look and mumbled a few words. My mind was racing. What have I done? I have really lost it! Everyone is right, I am crazy. There are chickens walking around everywhere, the irony! He simply took my hand and pressed his forehead to mine and assured me that everything would be okay.

I remember that feeling. It was strange. Safety and complete trust in another person. Recently my husband had an epiphany of sorts. I held my breath during the conversation. The person I married was back! He promised this marriage was going to get better. He just didn’t stay long and we’re right back at worse.

You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens. – Rumi

Sometimes you just have to be in the moment and know it’s okay. Seek wisdom and peace during these times. I don’t know everything. I can’t control everything. I can only consciously pause and search for the best me and share that person. I can stare down adversity with hope. I can address hatred with love, even if I have to grit my teeth. I can share my unconventional life. Sometimes you have to clench hope with both fists to keep going. If one person gets to witness my miracle, whatever it ends up to be, it will all be worth it.