Category: Uncategorized

Childlike Sponges

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, Relationships, Uncategorized

My brother recently sent me a picture of my nephew imitating him mowing the lawn. He was going alongside my brother with his toy lawnmower pretending to cut grass. My nephew tries to imitate everything his father does. We find it comical. My brother calls Junior a sponge.

As I am now facing the extreme difficulties of male puberty, I’ve been reflecting a lot on what I taught my children without using words. I am in survival mode with my oldest son right now. His associations and actions are causing some serious tension between us.  High school graduation is two weeks away!

Proverbs 22:6 – Train children to live the right way, and when they are old, they will not stray from it.

My husband and everyone in my life has been on my case lately about correcting my parenting. They are demanding more use of tough love. I thought I had been using this technique off and on, but it seems like I may have totally neglected it. I recently listened to two podcasts by Charles Stanley about the blessing of having a godly parent raise you. My boys have been in church their whole lives, but we all know that doesn’t necessarily make you godly. Love for humanity above all else makes you godly, that is my view on life.

Did I teach that to my kids? They are so self-absorbed that I am not sure. Millenials, everyone is trying to figure out how to interact with these people! I am included in this confused bunch.

I taught my sons to use their voices to speak out against injustice, even if they presumed it was coming from me. My youngest son will argue with you using his last breath if necessary. My husband is Nigerian, this drives him crazy. Limbs would have been broken in his house more than likely had this occured. It sounds like children do not have the option of calling CPS across the ocean. He tries to be patient with me, but he is exasperated. He tells me stories of his mother allowing him to experience hunger and all sorts of other things to train him to be a man. He does not understand American parenting and has no desire to do so.  He understands mine even less.  He says I equate a certain level of discipline with not loving my kids and that it is crippling their ability to develop into men. He’s not referring to physical discipline.  You marry a geek, you learn to sharpen your mental abilities.

I have shielded my sons from need to the best of my ability. Need can be painful. Need can cause extreme discomfort. Need can also cause humility, character and strength. I look at my self-absorbed sons and their generation and realize a major faux pas has occurred somewhere in between blurred lines.

What did my actions teach? Broken introverts observe the world through one-sided windows. We see you, but we don’t allow you to see us if we can help it. My oldest doesn’t realize how much he is going to need others. I will take away his lunch money this week. He is 18 and should in my opinion have a job or be volunteering somewhere. I had asked him to volunteer at the aquatic center last year and he refused because he saw no benefit in working for free. Cutting some strings on this safety net is about to kill me figuratively speaking. I am back on holy basil in the war against stress induced production of cortisol. I keep trying to explain the benefits of obedience and he keeps choosing rebellion.  I desperately want to free my hands from the rope he has them bound in.

He was too young to remember I needed someone to help me carry grocery bags of baby food for him. My friend and I remember the pain in our hands vividly to this day.  She helped me meet many needs over and over.  He was too young to remember my mother providing the difference to everything I could not.  They were too young to notice the struggles of a single parent under 30.   This list could get long.  I understand why preachers shout into a microphone, “When I think of the goodness of Jesus and all he’s done for me my soul cries hallelujah.”  You cannot whisper this statement.  It comes from having experienced a need, problem or crisis that required divine rescue.  My sons may need an encounter with divine rescue.

I know I must implement suffering in phases, because I basically have no other option. I have pointed out their behavior to them recently due to Mother’s Day. It was awful. I sobbed. You know the kind of crying where you can’t catch your breath or stop it from happening. That was my Mother’s Day. I did not want to share the day with my sons. It took me several days to calm down enough to explain the disappointment. For seven days the 14 year old has been leading the be a better son initiative.

I have friends trying to help a boy who has aged out of foster care. He just wants a family. He has said he doesn’t want to be abandoned again. That is his greatest concern. It is at the very least heartbreaking. The value of a godly parent. Its worth is unmeasurable.  They are preachers and I marvel at them sometimes.  The level of sacrifice they make to help others leaves you speechless.  He is probably unaware that I have been watching so closely and praying about what can I do myself.  That is the impact of a true Christian.  They don’t have time to showcase their deeds, because they are too busy spreading the message through actions of love.  They don’t need to beat you over the head with scriptures. Their actions tell the critical part of the story, love.

Today I will force my children to listen to those podcasts. I will make them explain what they hear. What they absorb. I will explain what it is like to be an unappreciated mom who makes so many sacrifices they don’t consider. I will tell the story of the boy who has a great need. I will explain to them the importance of giving to meet the needs of others. Life isn’t about I, it is about we.

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I can say I have taught them some things, such as self-confidence, love for the planet, the importance of education, etc. with words and actions. The importance of teaching need was not previously in the equation, but it must be added. Words will not do this lesson justice. It must be taught through actions. I realize now love comes in different forms and I need to diversify.   There is a worship song, The Way You Love Me by Anthony Evans.  It describes tough love.  I have encountered spiritual tough love over this last year.  I was dropped to my knees many times.  I learned the value of obedience over rebellion.  My marriage is being saved because I decided to change.

This will be difficult and I’m a bit late, but grace covers a multitude of mishaps.

The Adverse Effect of Neglect

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Marriage, Relationships, Separation, Uncategorized

About a month ago my therapist gave me homework to complete with my husband since we had no pre-marital counseling. I walked out of my appointment that day feeling a bit hopeless and afraid. I didn’t know how I was going to bring this core values list back to my next session. As luck would have it, I had to cancel my appointment. I was relieved! It has yet to be rescheduled.

A week ago, my husband called and asked me what I thought we could do differently. This was my chance to get this task done and I took it. We sat at the kitchen table and I wrote down our lists. We decided that night he would move back. I should have been doing some sort of celebratory actvity, but I couldn’t. The more I reflected on the lists, the more I realized I would be living the same neglected life I had before. His list only included his individual needs. My list had individual and couple items.

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I feel like a misunderstood mime at times. I send important thoughts through emails because of this. I have had to learn how to effectively communicate, but often feel like he manipulates my words to his benefit. This is a very empty state of being. I came up with a metaphor comparing myself to an ATM machine. If there are no deposits made, you can’t withdraw anything. I am in desperate need of deposits, but that is not on his values list. I asked for the husband to spend more quality time with the wife. Of the examples I gave, he hesitantly agreed to do one possibly two. Date night to him equals watching a movie rental every Friday.

So I sent another email saying I want a husband that does x y z. As I was typing it I realized he is not that husband. While I desired to be a better wife over these months, he doesn’t appear to match that with his efforts. This account balance is negative and the machine has seized his card. It’s amazing the support I have found through others, but I truly want that to come from who I married. I don’t know much about his father, but it sounds like he spent very little quality time with his family.

I have found my voice and communication skills, as well as more of myself. I know I don’t want to be a neglected, invisible wife. What happens from here I’m not sure. I’m like a turtle who is constantly forced to retreat to the safety of its shell.

I do know this, in my faith the husband is supposed to love the wife as Christ loved the church. Love does not neglect or manipulate. Selfishness does. Marriages should be more about selflessness I have learned. When your partner, spouse or whatever expresses a great need do not leave a void. There is a danger in letting someone else make that person feel appreciated and valued.

So here I am in the safety of the shell. There’s just one problem, my greatest desire is to be out in the light experiencing the true benefits of a selfless kinda love.

Multiplication and Problem Solving

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, mental health, Relationships, Separation, Uncategorized

I opened a piece of mail at work today from www.poets.org.  I had forgotten that I had requested a poster for national poetry month. It has a Walt Whitman verse with the sky as a background.

“Failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged,

Missing me one place search another,

I stop somewhere waiting for you.”

Sometimes words swirl in my head and produce feelings that need to be identified due to their mystery.  I’m presently thinking about love and my avoidance of it.  I never trusted it much. I tried to push my husband away on my terms because how I love that one man.  Pushing and pulling, years and years of it.  I was very afraid of loving someone that much. As I reflect on my actions they just didn’t make much sense.  Gravity should have been going in the opposite direction all these years.

I tended to slip in and out of dark hiding places.  He would come to try and rescue or comfort me.  He was always trying to save me from myself.  I remember one evening he somehow ended up lying on the floor beside me and he said, “I can’t control what goes on in that little mind of yours, but I’m not going anywhere.” A lifetime trail of footprints of those that were before we created broken pieces of a heart that I tried to give to him.  You shouldn’t offer things to others that need repair.

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I look back over my virtual shoulder now and smile.  I’ve come a long way baby.  I feel strong, happy and free.  Hubby and I we’re like boomerangs that always find our way back to each other.  He doesn’t have the same wife though and I’m glad.  I’m thankful for this time, even under these crazy circumstances, that I have had to work on myself.  I’ve used exercise, prayer and therapy to become a better self.  I’ve been accomplishing things physically and emotionally that are amazing.

I will never forget the sermon where my pastor taught that anxiety and stress were a sin instead of a condition to be managed.  It changed how I looked at my behaviors.  I was able to take that to God in prayer and ask to be set free.  Panic attacks feel like heart attacks.  Depression was another long drawn out battle that I was often not the victor in.  I have not been depressed in months.  When I am overwhelmed now, I choose to exercise, pray or find something to be thankful for.

The puzzle isn’t solved.  I’ll continue to face challenges on this journey to becoming the best wife and mother and overall human I can possibly be.  Family is an unmeasurable treasure I took for granted.  I have had losses and gains over this last year.  I chose to start my day with yoga and prayer this morning.  I wanted something positive to focus on today.

Jude 1:2 – May mercy and peace and love be multiplied to you.

I have chosen to focus on this verse today.  A person that thrives in stress needs to become acquainted with peace.  A woman that was better at destroying than building a home needs mercy to have it restored.  Most importantly of all, everyone needs love.  All these things require a choice to be made to give.  Sometimes you may give more than you receive.  Some days my husband is unlovable, but I choose to love him because I remember the days where he chose to love me in times past.  We had one of the worst arguments we’ve had in a while last week via email and texting.  Buried in the center of his email was a statement of need, “I need you to be my wife and lady. Every man needs this.”  Those words made every other word disappear into nothingness.  I can meet this challenge, so I smile.  Every day I work on me and I celebrate every accomplishment.  I am helping others and that is the greatest gift of all.

The Mighty Mouse Moment

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Marriage, Relationships, Uncategorized

Last Saturday was just like any other until my husband called on his way back from work. He had gotten a flat tire on the highway and asked if I’d come and get him. I was almost passed out from a HIIT workout I had just completed, but I answered yes right away. No time for showers or catching breath! He had called me and I was super excited.

Here I come to save the day!

I’m flying down 95 South like I drive for Nascar weaving through cars driving at a turtle’s pace. Ok, maybe they were doing the speed limit, but I had an emergency. I see my husband on the side of the road and I join him with absolutely no plan. I do not know how to change flat tires, but being there for support counts right? Lol! Luckily, he had a plan and an emergency roadside kit in his car. I do not have such kit and became a bit concerned about my lack of preparedness. We managed to get to a tire repair shop and all was well. I could tell it mattered to him that I dropped everything to make his situation my priority. I was beyond happy. I had not too long ago read a verse that said if your brother has need do not send them away if you are able to help. I made a mental note of that verse and hoped I’d get an opportunity to do something for my husband.

On Sunday I came home from church and his car was in the driveway. It was like a small miracle. He and my son were doing something I needed help with. He didn’t stay long and we looked like orphans as we watched him drive off. A few minutes later I got a text with an apology for the short stay and that he was thinking of coming back. I replied that I wanted him to come back of course with a thankful heart.

One small act of kindness has made a small shift in the dynamics of my marriage. I am so happy I have learned that your spouse needs to be your priority no matter how small or great their need is. I am making the decision to do my best to be there for my husband even if it involves things like flat tires.

I’ve reflected so many times on the possibility of losing my best friend. Even at the bleakest times I tried to find some shred of hope to hang on to. What could possibly top the love I flew to another continent alone to find. Pretty much nothing. It’s been a really good week and I’ll make every effort to keep us moving in this direction. You should never let valuable relationships slip away when they are worth saving.

Chasing Dreams

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Faith, Marriage, Relationships, Separation, Uncategorized

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I want to be a writer. I am currently more of a social worker in my employment. It makes me question everything. How did I end up working in public housing? Sometimes I feel trapped and overwhelmed by the enormous needs of the communities and families. I pray to be released, but the answer always comes back not yet. I was so frustrated that I just asked God why he derailed my career plans. His reply was that he is always among the broken, so that’s where he placed me. I know from experience God uses ordinary people to do extraordinary things, but I want to be a writer.

Today is my 40th birthday and I realize time goes by quickly and you can’t get it back. My son turned 18 nine days ago and I’ve been trying to give him wisdom from lessons of adulthood I’ve learned. He has a dream of being a music producer. I support my kid’s dreams, because it means a lot to a child to have parental support for almost impossible things. I now have many children across communities. Some neglected by young mothers who need armfuls of love to impact their situations. I never planned on having children and it’s ironic I now have hundreds. I hug them, ask how their day was, correct them when necessary and so on and so forth. I don’t even know how I got to this place, I just know the bible says the steps of the righteous are divinely ordered.

I want to write not for entertainment, but for impact. I was praying and thinking about tag lines yesterday. My original plan was to try and write funny blogs about my marriage. As I was praying yesterday, God just reminded me there’s not much humor in dysfunctional relationships. If you haven’t already figured it out, he’s derailing my blog plan. The divorce rate in this country is extremely high. I wonder if Americans realize the value of family. I pray every day for mine to be restored, because I didn’t know its value. My writing just may impact some person to fight like hell to save their family, even when the mountain looks unclimbable.

What makes my life unconventional? So many things. I raised two boys in sometimes extremely hard circumstances. There are reasons why women write angry songs. I left them to fly across an ocean to find love. I was my own immigration attorney for five years. I was homeless. I am finding healing in brokeness. I know how to arrange words so that they linger after I’m gone. I know where broken hearts go. I’m sure my new tagline will reveal something only I can do. Every life has a unique purpose.

For now, I will keep moonlighting as a social worker with no formal training or education. This is another reason I have so many prayers. I want to be free to live out my vision of me in cafes cranking out compelling stories. I want to write a novel that a reader can’t put down. This talent I was given is demanding attention, yet so are all those children. I also have single mothers in a program that guides them toward self-sufficiency. If you have an opportunity to help these communities, please do so. The smallest contribution has great effects. The work is exhausting and most times you feel like you’re spinning your wheels. Then in a flash, someone got a GED, several more are graduating college and another found a job. Thank God for my small staff who labor with me every day!

I’ll keep chasing my dream with the same compassionate heart. I may be the only chance of knowing God’s love some of these people may have. There is a gospel song that sings; AsI look back over my life and I think things over. I can truly say that I’ve been blessed. I’ve got a testimony. I have a story to tell through pictures and words, it’s called The Unconventional Life.

Learning to Walk on Water

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Marriage, Relationships, Uncategorized

2012 was an epic year for stress both personally and professionally. When you have no peace you become this monster of sorts. It got to the point where I didn’t recognize or like myself. I was so angry and frustrated all the time. I would come home and my family would be locked behind bedroom doors. My husband met me at the door one day and said I was like a piece of wood that had been soaked in gasoline and he never knew what would set me off. The weight and force of those words landed a powerful punch. I carried it for days. I am not one of the thousands of minorities that would tell you to go to hell for suggesting therapy so I made an appointment.

Fast forward to 2014. My husband has nailed me to particular places or arguments and is still holding me hostage. I used my imagination to erect walls and free myself from my clothing and walked away naked. I can’t continually live in those times and spaces. We were in a relationship that was a death sentence with weapons pointed at each other. Type A’s always keep a finger on the trigger, especially if you have deep wounds from others like me. You need to understand that what you’re demanding of the other person in a relationship you must also give. Your perception of how great a spouse you are doesn’t matter if that is not the other person’s reality.

I recently heard a NPR story on the havoc malaria was causing in Nigeria. Why? The reporter began to go into the daily lives of women in that country. She was the farmer, sold at the market, took care of the family, etc. As the reporter kept talking I was thinking to myself where the hell was her support? If a child came down with malaria everything came to a screeching halt because she then had to go take care of the child for two weeks. No farming, no selling, no income. My reality was burdens that were breaking my spinal cord, but his perception was a totally different picture.

I looked at that space where rusty nails drenched by tears were holding my clothes hostage and I ran to Jesus. He said to come learn to walk on water. I love oceans and mountains. They are peaceful places so I accepted his invitation.

I confessed like I was raised a devout catholic hurt after hurt. I can’t trust anyone. No one takes care of me but me. I give more than I ever receive. This shattered my self-esteem and I’m just a broken mess trying to exist in a broken family. So on and so on.

Hillsong United released a song called Oceans recently that I absolutely love. It took me back to basics. Is it more important to remain a Type A dictator and destroy everyone to climb some corporate ladder? Corporate ladders do not come with guarantees no matter how hard you work. All your hard work makes the top layer of the organization appear more successful or competent while you may be invisible. You increase your productivity beyond a safe zone because Type A’s thrive on stress and chaos. They can quickly come up with plans and solutions to fix everything. Not only that, I discovered my dreams have changed. I had to consider why I was giving all my energy to my job. My life was not balanced and I no longer need an executive seat. I examined a Type B personality and I said to myself it’s time for a transition. As dysfunctional as the setting was, I enjoyed being part of my family.

I’ve traveled a great distance on the sea. I’ve shed almost 50 pounds because water travel on foot requires focus on the one who can do miracles. I never thought much about myself being a miracle, but I feel like God sounded some ultrasonic call to me with an offer I couldn’t refuse. A chance to be made whole. The damaged pieces of me are being sunk to the bottom of the sea with each step. I am gaining divine trust and peace in my transition. The end of this trek will be called joy, something I’ve never known. I love being able to follow others on social media who have traveled to my destination for different reasons. Their photos and stories provide daily inspiration.

Life is far from perfect and I do get tired of fighting to now save instead of destroy my family all alone. That’s when I lay on the back of an eagle and soar high above the storm clouds that have blocked the warmth of the sun for far too long.

Make Me Feel Beautiful

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Marriage, Relationships, Uncategorized

He asked had anyone told me I was beautiful on that day.
I replied no as my mind tried to recall the last time I had heard the word in reference to me.
He said, “Well let me be the one to remind you, you’re beautiful.”
A smile instantly appeared on my face
Replacing so many frowns and creased brows.
He makes me feel beautiful.
He holds doors and pulls out chairs for me
And I feel special
I feel like a lady.
He finds my mind intriguing and wants to memorize the vessels in the chambers of my heart,
But it’s on life support now.
I say I have nothing to offer but brokenness
He says you’re beautiful.
I think he’s insane,
But I just want to feel beautiful.
I want to know what it feels like for a man to know my worth.
I want to be dependent on appreciation, love and arms to hold me.
I miss being held and being asked to make love.
I remember what it’s like to make love
It makes me feel beautiful.
Secretly I’m a hopeless romantic.
I want to fall into the fairytale in my imagination and never leave
Prince Charming doesn’t have to be perfect just willing
Willing to wake me with kisses and pull me into a space reserved only for me
Willing to take long walks holding my hand
Willing to take risks and try new things so life never gets boring
Willing to love me as I solve the broken puzzle pieces of myself.
With tears staining my cheeks my eyes say
Make me feel beautiful
Remind me that I am priceless
Say there is only one Kathryn and
Let me rest in an embrace just for awhile.
Its been a long December,
Just let me rest here in an embrace just for awhile.

Sometimes Your Most Painful Loss Can Be Your Greatest Gain

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Uncategorized

I created this blog to share my funny stories about being married to a foreigner. I thought it would be fun to blog the craziness, but shortly after my first post the bottom dropped out of my marriage, heart and soul. I’ve been wondering what to do with this blog. What can one do, but go with the plot twist.

Separation ranks at the top of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. Thank God for a therapist! My first question to my therapist was if I could be selfish. If I could only take care of me, because I didn’t have the energy to do anything else. Not even take care of my kids at the usual level. Thankfully he said yes and we’ve been working on me every two weeks. Pulling up wounds from the roots is hard work, but I’m expecting a beautiful garden in the spring.

I remember when the teetering started in February. I slumped down a wall and told God it would kill me to have to watch him walk out the door and I wept. I still weep. I took the easiest route by packing a suitcase and leaving before I had to watch that scene. A person’s missing presence in a home will make you find strength that you didn’t know existed.

I’m thankful for prayers and Jesus. I know what it’s like to have him wipe every tear just like the song says. Marriage is hard, especially when there are cultural behaviors you don’t understand and neither party had great examples to reference.

I came to realize how much I neglected myself in all this. Every day is not sunshine. Some days are extremely difficult. You know there will be no one to ask how your day went or put their arms around you on a winter night. Occasionally the pain in your heart becomes so great you need someone to share its weight.

I found a promise to cling to during this season of my life. Psalm 71:21-22 says, “You have allowed me to suffer much hardship, but you will restore me to life again and lift me up from the depths of the earth. You will restore me to even greater honor and comfort me once again.”

I now find it amusing that I use to live on multi-year plans. You can’t edit out a tremendous heartbreak, but you can choose to live and let broken pieces heal. You can search for root causes like I am doing, so that you do not carry junk into the next relationship. You can choose to hope in the midst of desolation. You can choose to let the light and warmth of love flood your heart again because it feels so very good.

Choices are intentional. Make good ones.

It all started when….

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Uncategorized
We did it!
We did it!

It was a few days before Valentine’s Day 2006 and I was on a plane from Richmond, Virginia flying to Lagos Nigeria to get married. My match.com experience had turned into something unexpected. I was marrying a foreigner. A foreigner that was very, did I mention very far away.

I’m the adventurous one in my family. The risk taker. Everyone else, with the exception of my sister, marches to the beat of normalcy. I was the first to try online dating. The decision came when my first grader took the remote from me as I was watching My Wife and Kids and demanded to know why his family did not have a daddy that lived in the house. How do you answer that type of question from an underage midget?! Needless to say I was speechless. I was given my orders to find a “live-in” daddy that evening. I went to bed wondering where on earth I was going to find a date not to mention a husband! There was an implied “mom hurry up with this request” undertone in my son’s voice.

The whole match idea was about as out of the box as I could go. It was literally a part-time job. I browsed profiles daily! I like the fact that America is a melting pot with lots of samples. I kinda knew I’d end up with a foreigner, other cultures just fascinate me.

Godwin literally popped up on my computer screen one day. The irony was I had stumbled across some African dating sites and had been browsing profiles and Godwin had seen my match.com profile. We began chatting for hours every day. Days turned to weeks and then months. I had found the one person on the planet I could share anything with. I could just be me and he was ok with it. This was the most liberating experience I had had in my entire life. I never expected to love him, but I fell hard and fast like a derailed train gaining momentum.

I remember arriving in Nigeria and seeing a sea of black faces. I just stood there with my mouth open looking every direction. What I had done hit me like a ton of bricks. I had flown across an ocean alone, my cell phone no longer worked and I was searching for a black needle in an all black haystack! Panic overtook me and I was just about to lose it when he saw me first and came up to me with a smile. This was really happening! The webcam companion was standing in front of me. My eyes had to adjust to all the blackness around me, but oh was it beautiful. My first words to him were, “Damn babe you sure are crispy, but I’m here now so let’s go.”

I got cold feet the day of the wedding while awaiting our turn at the justice of the peace. I was ready to have a Runaway Bride moment, but Godwin pressed his forehead to mine and I melted into him. We were fingerprinted, given docs and gave the officials something to talk about with that wedding kiss of ours. LOL! We celebrated with cake that had the texture of a brick and didn’t taste much better. We missed our flight back to Lagos and had and eight hour adventure.

It’s been 7 1/2 years filled with hills and valleys. I still find him intriguing. I like waking up with him beside me. I find beauty in the contrast of our skin tones when my limbs cross his. I know he will wash my car every Sunday and fix anything broken in the house. I still want to be his wife and I pray for many more years to come.