Category: Yoga

Remember Me When

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Relationships, Separation, Spirituality, Uncategorized, Yoga

I remember one day sitting on the floor tying my shoes and hearing God say, “Kathryn don’t follow Jude into darkness.”  While I wondered why I was hearing this particular instruction, I just said, “OK I won’t.”  I know why that happened.  I want to run full on into darkness right now, but I can’t because of my desire to be in God’s light.

Yesterday in yoga we were asked to set an intention.  My brain has just been scattered from thought to emotion for the last two weeks.  I’ve been asking my friends to tell me I’m not crazy.  That I just didn’t imagine the things happening for the last two years of my life.  There are just things that can’t be made up and so right now nothing makes sense to me.  I’ve written each synchronicity down in my journal so they even have dates attached to them.   I went back to the first occurrence yesterday on my mat.  The evening I went for prayer because loving Jude gave me anxiety.  I remember the couple that prayed for me and asking the lady, “You’re going to tell me to leave him right?  I should just leave cause my whole being is in panic mode.”  She said, “No read I Corinthians 13 and everything will be OK.”  God sent these people to me to prepare me for what was about to happen and to give me hope.  I knew this because time was running out and I knew Christian would go to jail soon.  The lady told me to pray and gave me the testimony of their son who had also spent time in jail.  After remembering this, I set the intention.

God my intention is to love Jude and myself unconditionally today.  My intention is to forgive myself for every time I’ve had to forgive him because I’m angry about repeating forgiveness.  I’m angry that I can’t find the bottom to the love I have for this person.  I’m disappointed in myself cause this doesn’t even make sense and the only thing I can do is to apply love to everything.  I know this because you had that woman instruct me to love like you and I never forgot your instructions.

I completed my practice yesterday in between YouTube sermons and meditations.  This is how I cope with separation. YouTube, yoga and candles.

I literally feel like an Elisha looking for an Elijah.   In my desperation I went for my second psychic visit.  The difference I have noted between prophets and physics is prophets don’t ask questions for verification.  Things like is this going on right now or do you know who this person could be.  Nope you will not get that from a prophet.  They will say the Lord says…… and that will be that.  They don’t need you to fill in the blanks.   Same cards, some of the same words equaled great frustration for me.

Perhaps I should just be Kat looking for Jesus.  He’s likely waiting for me in the woods.

My reiki session went much better.  Heart chakra was definitely out of alignment and Akilyah spent a lot of time at my crown chakra.  Our sessions begin and end with what the Haitian did to throw my energy fields out of whack most times.  She said I was very grounded and all the energy moving was in my heart and stomach area.  I whispered that my heart was broken and I was fighting anxiety.

When I got home I said, “God you have to give me something cause I’m just not making it.”  I heard Psalm 106.

Psalm 106:4-5 – Lord, remember me when you are kind to your people; help me when you save them.  Let me see the good things you do for your chosen people.  Let me be happy along with your happy nation; let me join your own people in praising you.

I’ve made some pretty big sacrifices recently that I didn’t complain about.  I did them out of love.  I ignored some instructions about timing.  Generally when I ignore the warning Jesus’s baby toe appears to step in.  This time even Jude’s ancestors stepped in.  That was quite an experience, but I figured out what they were trying to tell me.  Separate. Though my very soul feels like it might cave in, separate.  Separate while he learns to love himself, because without that he can’t love anyone.  I know the pain of his life.  I experienced it in a church service.  I saw our lives combine in a tunnel of white light as I hung over a chair sobbing.  I asked him long ago, “Do you see me?”  He smiled and nodded yes.  It takes special eyes to see me.  Two weeks ago he told me exactly what he saw and I just smiled.  I called him my beautiful mess and that he shall be for now.

I saw thread stitching my heart together in yoga class.  I saw him kneel behind me and the same thread began to stitch his heart and our separate threads became one.  We were planning our first trip to Haiti.  I have boxes of donations in my basement.  He had asked me to help him do his Father’s work.  Sometimes seeing what is supposed to be is unbearable.  As I know what he is struggling with because he drew it and his ancestors came to tell me, my hands are tied.  My eyes are tired.  My breath is sometimes shallow.  My chest aches.

Dear God please remember me when……

The Guided Path

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Inspiration, mindfulness, Relationships, Spirituality, Yoga

About a month ago I was lead to go to a prayer service. I wanted to hear a guest speaking about her work in the community. I wanted to be inspired because my own work was feeling more like a burden than a blessing. I listened to her tell of how people were just coming along her path with blessings to help her serve felons being released back into the community. An entire house had been donated! I was inspired by the acts of kindness.

Quite honestly my spiritual journey is turning out to be very different than even what I could’ve come up with. I felt lost and it was causing anxiety that often leads to long periods of panic. If I feel like Jesus isn’t close by I freak totally out. That day felt like I had been dropped in the middle of the Amazon with no guide. Why am I getting a nonprofit off the ground with the present agency infrastructure? Did I totally misinterpret what you said about the Haitian, but you sent people with whole messages? Am I crazy?! Where am I supposed to be and what am I supposed to be doing? Everything feels like it’s too much!

And they prayed for me. And Hope said, “You are not lost. You are where you are supposed to be.” And her name struck me cause I was absolutely hopeless that day and full of wonder about wrong turns and decisions. I was doubting everything making myself feel crazy, which is not good when you’re already a tad odd. And she said you are not lost. The other lady said you are a seer who has been disappointed. I began to cry. She could only discern the inflicted hurt from the church not my personal relationships. And while we prayed for the speaker I saw a vision of many hands reaching through jail cells and oil being poured into their palms. When the two women prayed for me I saw a vision of myself in royal garments. The robe had jewels. I said self you look beautiful!

1 Peter 2:9 But you are a chosen people, royal priests…..You were chosen to tell about the wonderful acts of God.

The speaker I knew was chosen to reach people that are literally being used for profits. They are nameless with corporate and government bottom lines. Jails are big business. I know because my son is in one right now. There is a fee for him to be there. I think back to June’s miracle for him. Misdemeanors and not felonies. An act of God.

The next day I went to my spiritual journaling class and we reflected on the poem Everything Is Waiting For You. The Haitian and I were broken up as is our typical pattern. 

Put down the weight of your aloneness and ease into the conversation.

Neither of us are normal. Love, he was trying to teach me a whole new dimension to that word. The lesson felt heavy. Life felt heavy and she put her arms around me as I wept trying to put the weight down. Missing him is crushing. And she said take care of yourself right now because she felt my exhaustion. I told her the light was there way beneath the surface. Sadness cloaked my shoulders because he understood my energy.

As I was praying God said to go to Psalm 143. That was precisely everything I needed to pray.

Psaln 143:11 – ….In your goodness save me from my troubles.

Yesterday I drove to the beach. It was the only way to stop crying. I had to look at the sea to put problems in perspective. Do I miss the Haitian? Hell yeah! Did I misunderstand the message? Nope. I had to hear waves crashing while God asked me to stop weeping. I had to change the energy around me. I had to restore peace.

I’m learning to be open to the universe. I’ll reread The Alchemist because the Haitian is woven into the pages of that book. I’ll visualize and reimagine the future as I struggle through the present. And I will say it’s ok to miss him cause we’re water and he knows that. I’ll continue down my very strange spiritual path with crystals, yoga, nature and my bible. Never would’ve grouped these things together lol. I’m making my mom quite nervous. I’ll remember he said he’d protect my smile. I’ll rest in the knowledge that we are each other’s heart center. It’s always darkest before dawn. Je t’aime Jude  toujours.

Release in the Vineyard 

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Faith, Inspiration, mental health, mindfulness, Spirituality, Yoga

It has been 12 months of heaviness like standing beneath an avalanche that suddenly falls from the highest peak. Preceded by six years of turmoil. Heaviness came to rest here.

I’ve been crying Abba have mercy on me. Everything is too much. As I was praying Jesus appeared in a vision with an overflowing basket of fruit. All kinds of fruit and he gave it to me. The second basket he gave to me was overflowing with red grapes and a vineyard appeared. I ran free in a white dress. I felt freedom. Freedom from burdens. Freedom from sadness. Freedom from anxiety. Freedom from despair. And I ran not once looking back.

Hand mudra for hope.

Recently I took a yin class that focused on hope. Tonight a woman named Hope prayed for me. The significance being most days I’m questioning am I going to make it because of the hopelessness I feel. I’ve learned to pay attention to small details.

I understood that the vineyard meant to read John 15. I understood that John 15 meant to rest in Jesus. There is very little rest or peace these days. Hope prayed that peace would stay with me. 

Today I felt disconnected and isolated. I felt heavy. Then I thought why am I carrying these burdens given to me by other people. Situations that my own actions didn’t cause I’ve been carrying on my slumped shoulders. I’m exhausted. 

“Storms make trees take deeper roots.” ~ Dolly Parton

Branches are connected to the vine. They must remain connected to live and produce fruit. Occasionally they are pruned. My decisions could use some pruning. No longer will I allow people to project negative statements over me. I won’t unfairly carry other’s problems.  I won’t exhaust myself finding solutions to everything and I will no longer suffer from anxiety due to people’s choices.

John 15:11 – I have told you these things so that you can have the same joy I have and so that your joy will be the fullest possible joy.

My word today was overboard.  Anything or anyone that does not add to my life got thrown off my virtual boat. I. Let. Go.

Garments of Light

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, depression, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, mental health, Relationships, Spirituality, Yoga

Blogging requires a transparency that’s not for the faint of heart. My heart seems to need life support today.

I look at my son and see my little boy, but he’s actually a rebellious 20 year old. He’s got my smile, his dad’s eyes and was the most respectful kid growing up. He never gave me much trouble and then high school happened. Friends changed and so did my son. It’s been the hardest six years and I’m exhausted today.

I had a dream my son would go so far into darkness that there would be nothing I could do to save him. It’s pitch black now and pending criminal charges have rendered me helpless. I’ve had to cling to the promise that God said he would be watching over him for the last six years. I never imagined it would get this bad.

I tend to hold onto those I love. I will do anything to keep them from suffering even if it means harm to myself. I was driving home from work the other day and Jesus asked me why I kept trying to do his job and save everyone. I said I didn’t really know, but it was making me tired. Very tired and days were becoming filled with anxiety that I couldn’t shake. He simply said let them go. So I did.

The wound is the place where light enters you. ~Rumi
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My wonderful Haitain had set in his mind that no other woman would hurt him like the one he divorced. I dreamed water was uncontrollably flooding the room we were in and I couldn’t stop it. I looked at him in the dream and he had a whole through his navel. I awoke and told him something has deeply wounded your spirit and his eyes began to fill with tears, but he said nothing. I can’t pay for sins I did not commit so I let go. My son doesn’t want to change his associations so I let go. His associations could very well land him in jail. My youngest son watches my heart get broken by others and tries very much so to encourage me.

Today I thought about light. That I would choose light and not remain in the darkness flooding my life. I’m trying to get over the hurt of another break up that I don’t understand. I have God and yoga. I have the peace that passes all understanding and an infinite love. This to shall pass.
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God has chosen you and made you his holy people. He loves you. So you should always clothe yourselves with mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.  Bear with each other, and forgive each other. If someone does wrong to you, forgive that person because the Lord forgave you.  Even more than all this, clothe yourself in love. Love is what holds you all together in perfect unity. – Colossians 3:12-14

Waterfalls. River rocks. Heart.

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Relationships, Separation, Spirituality, Yoga

Psalm 51:10 – Create in me a pure heart God, and make my spirit right again.

Ever had to pray that scripture over and over again? I have. Your heart can be consumed with so many negative emotions from what happens in your life. Anger, bitterness and strife are just a few things that can poison your heart and spirit. My sin of choice tends to be anger.

April 11, 2015 I went to church. A prophet I had studied under before was in town.  I had no intention of praying for my marriage. I considered that situation hopeless for many reasons. I spent most of the service praying for my oldest son. He seems to have forgotten his upbringing.  I currently am still waiting for my child to return to his body and senses!

The speaker stopped preaching and said there are two homes here that are in trouble raise your hands. Well that was a no brainer so I raised my entire arm. Only one hand. Prophet repeats there are two people.  He’s looking for the second person. I eventually have both arms in the air and am myself looking for the second person.  I was becoming very embarrassed.  I wasn’t even praying about this!  Finally my former mentor got a microphone and told another woman it was also her marriage God was putting in the spotlight. Hallelujah!  I could finally put my hands down! He looked at us and said, “God said do not worry about your marriages he will give you restitution. ”

I’m driving home repeating this word. Saying what just happened.  Of course I knew the meaning of restitution, but my brain was not accepting the prophetic word. I went straight to dictionary.com, but the prophet had given a spiritual meaning while preaching. 

Restitution – In a season of restitution God will have to restore everything you lost in an immature state.

So I should have been breakdancing right? Yeah, that’s so not what I did. Restore, restore,  restore. I kept pacing and saying the word out loud. I got angrier and angrier.  Finally anger spilled from my heart out of my mouth. “Jesus who the hell is supposed to give this restitution?! Do you not see what he’s done to me?”

Not your typical Christian prayer. Nope nope nope. Exit blog if you’re looking for the fake holy roller type. Now I DO NOT recommend praying in this manner at all for the record. I went to therapy demanding an explanation from the therapist. I went to yoga and tried to leave the anger on the mat. However,  in deep relaxation God gave me a vision that screamed mercy for my husband. Now I had a prophetic  word plus a vision.

Lord have mercy!  It was just too much and in true black girl fashion hand went to hip, finger went up in the air, body roll plus shift and I was like really Jesus. I’m done! I’m so over it!

Eventually I just felt lost. I hate not having direction on what I should do. My hell raising, rebellious days ended years ago. One too many spiritual whoopings. Lol. I went to a soaking prayer service with journal in hand ready to write what thus saith the Lord. Ms. Shirley came by and kissed my forehead.  She said, “God says he loves you and you are his daughter. There is nothing too hard for him and he will never leave you. Just give it to him and leave it. Ask him for what you want. Trust him.”

My problem was now compounded.  Not only was I still angry, but I also had lost trust in God because this was pretty much what he said during the first separation and things had again fallen apart again.  Sorry Jesus no deal! I will keep my anger and distrust this whole situation is shady.

I lay there crying. I wrote a prayer in my journal, but I didn’t directly ask for anything concerning my family. It took every breath and thought I had to trust God the first time. You can lose your mind when you know your spouse is dating and God says do nothing. That’s some serious heartbreak.

I did so much yoga trying to work through this message. So many asanas and still had the same problem. God finally said he would be silent until I was no longer angry.

May 22, 2015. I return to soaking prayer. Anger and unforgiveness has got to go cause WWJD is the question at hand! I hike near water to clear my mind. I love water and its calming affect.

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Hiking along the James river.

So if you’re a logical left brain worshipper here is where I’m about to ditch you. I used to be one of those kind myself. Attending a life altering workshop on worshipping with your right brain by Mark Virkler changed my life. I shall never return!

I stood with Jesus under a waterfall. We walked on river rocks. He knows I go to water and woods for peace and clarity. He placed his hand on my heart and I saw an electric current go through his arm to my heart. Jesus asked if I was ready to take some cleansing breaths so I said sure. He said breathe until it’s gone. I tried my best not to sound like Darth Vader in a prayer service, but you have to make that sound. Otherwise they’re not cleansing breaths. I inhaled air and exhaled anger and unforgiveness. Sweet freedom! I saw such a beautiful picture of myself.

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You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens. ~ Rumi

Heart openers are some of my favorite poses. Above all I want a heart that overflows in God’s love. Perhaps you also have heart issues and could use a waterfall and river rock experience. It’s very easy to find God. All you need is prophetic soaking music (YouTube has great songs), journal and pen. It’s not so easy to find healing after being hurt in a relationship, but it is possible. Live your best life. You only get one on this side of eternity.

Namaste.

If I Had Wishes For Falling Stars

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Relationships, Spirituality, Yoga

Jude 1:2 – Mercy, peace and love be yours in abundance.

I am the color of peanut butter. Native, African and European collided to make me. Sometimes I feel as if I don’t belong to any particular people group. White doesn’t claim me. Black says I’m not black enough. Native doesn’t know me and refuses to historically accept me and those like me in some tribes. What is my identity?

My husband very proudly declares he is African. He is in love with his blackness. He looks at me and shrugs lol. He along with everyone else in my family thinks I’m not black enough. If one more person asks if we’re having black food for Thanksgiving we will be in a drive through! Is it too much to ask that my gourmet palette be indulged for one day?

My life experience has been very different. Black girls hated me growing up and I could never understand why. I just wanted friends. The white girls took me in and were my best friends. They taught me about shaving legs and wearing eyeliner in elementary school. My mother hit the roof. Her black child was not supposed to do those things! I snuck and did both and my sister made sure to sing like a canary. I belonged to a group so I didn’t care and I very proudly lifted up my aqua net bangs with my friends. She messed up my census paperwork anyways. I was supposed to be an other lol.

Middle and high school were different. Leaving West Virginia for Northern Virginia was culture shock indeed. There was such diversity! It was awesome! I am the color of peanut butter and I sounded like a country hick/redneck. Black kids demanded I be quiet or go back to wherever there were people with my accent. My sister tried to work with me for days. I will never know how she mastered the accent of the hood that we’d never been to. Exasperated she gave up and begged me to say I was adopted. No one wanted me to answer the phone, it confused whoever was calling. I sang John Denver’s Country Roads every single day. Ahh sweet childhood memories. Luckily the asian, white and hispanic kids were ready to befriend me. I was in honors, you only needed to be intelligent. I also landed two black friends.
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So this is the back story to what exactly? A grand jury verdict I suppose. I don’t know how to feel due to my life experience. Should I be enraged, mournful or anxious? I keep asking my husband if perhaps we should try Canada? He’s enraged. I’m thoughtful. Last night we were watching his black history DVDs followed by a sermon in a black church by a black man. “Kathryn you hear that,” he asks. I reply yes. I want to understand a black man’s experience in America, but is that even possible?

Five days a week I am surrounded by black children because I work in public housing. My sons are black teenagers. At times I am concerned about their existence in this country.

I asked God to show me something after my yoga class on Sunday and we made a few stops, but this verse in Jude stuck with me. It is the focus of my yoga practice. Yoga has no color. I belong to a people group again. The instagram yoga community is amazing! I find more of myself with each pose. I do headstand when I am overwhelmed. I call it changing my perspective. I have been balanced on my head quite a lot for months. My husband thinks I’m crazy, but last night he was balanced on his head as well. He keeps asking me why I spend so much time on my head and in yoga poses. I always give the same response. “I’m looking for Jesus. We meet on my yoga mat.” I then listen to very long speeches on mixing religions. He doesn’t realize I left religion for relationship a long time ago. People do evil things behind religion. I just want to emulate the heart of God.

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So if I had wishes for falling stars. I would wish all human life mattered not it’s origin. I would wish that none of the public housing children would fall into doomed generational statistics. That children sold into sex trafficking would be set free and their souls healed. That child soldiers would lay down weapons for toys. That young girls would not have to be mutilated or become child brides. That diversity would be appreciated. That the heart of yoga would flow through more people. That my son would pull his damn pants up! That I would be accepted for myself because peanut butter is freaking awesome! Above all I pray that mercy, peace and love be your covering.
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Namaste.