Tag: #christianity

Learning to Walk on Water

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Marriage, Relationships, Uncategorized

2012 was an epic year for stress both personally and professionally. When you have no peace you become this monster of sorts. It got to the point where I didn’t recognize or like myself. I was so angry and frustrated all the time. I would come home and my family would be locked behind bedroom doors. My husband met me at the door one day and said I was like a piece of wood that had been soaked in gasoline and he never knew what would set me off. The weight and force of those words landed a powerful punch. I carried it for days. I am not one of the thousands of minorities that would tell you to go to hell for suggesting therapy so I made an appointment.

Fast forward to 2014. My husband has nailed me to particular places or arguments and is still holding me hostage. I used my imagination to erect walls and free myself from my clothing and walked away naked. I can’t continually live in those times and spaces. We were in a relationship that was a death sentence with weapons pointed at each other. Type A’s always keep a finger on the trigger, especially if you have deep wounds from others like me. You need to understand that what you’re demanding of the other person in a relationship you must also give. Your perception of how great a spouse you are doesn’t matter if that is not the other person’s reality.

I recently heard a NPR story on the havoc malaria was causing in Nigeria. Why? The reporter began to go into the daily lives of women in that country. She was the farmer, sold at the market, took care of the family, etc. As the reporter kept talking I was thinking to myself where the hell was her support? If a child came down with malaria everything came to a screeching halt because she then had to go take care of the child for two weeks. No farming, no selling, no income. My reality was burdens that were breaking my spinal cord, but his perception was a totally different picture.

I looked at that space where rusty nails drenched by tears were holding my clothes hostage and I ran to Jesus. He said to come learn to walk on water. I love oceans and mountains. They are peaceful places so I accepted his invitation.

I confessed like I was raised a devout catholic hurt after hurt. I can’t trust anyone. No one takes care of me but me. I give more than I ever receive. This shattered my self-esteem and I’m just a broken mess trying to exist in a broken family. So on and so on.

Hillsong United released a song called Oceans recently that I absolutely love. It took me back to basics. Is it more important to remain a Type A dictator and destroy everyone to climb some corporate ladder? Corporate ladders do not come with guarantees no matter how hard you work. All your hard work makes the top layer of the organization appear more successful or competent while you may be invisible. You increase your productivity beyond a safe zone because Type A’s thrive on stress and chaos. They can quickly come up with plans and solutions to fix everything. Not only that, I discovered my dreams have changed. I had to consider why I was giving all my energy to my job. My life was not balanced and I no longer need an executive seat. I examined a Type B personality and I said to myself it’s time for a transition. As dysfunctional as the setting was, I enjoyed being part of my family.

I’ve traveled a great distance on the sea. I’ve shed almost 50 pounds because water travel on foot requires focus on the one who can do miracles. I never thought much about myself being a miracle, but I feel like God sounded some ultrasonic call to me with an offer I couldn’t refuse. A chance to be made whole. The damaged pieces of me are being sunk to the bottom of the sea with each step. I am gaining divine trust and peace in my transition. The end of this trek will be called joy, something I’ve never known. I love being able to follow others on social media who have traveled to my destination for different reasons. Their photos and stories provide daily inspiration.

Life is far from perfect and I do get tired of fighting to now save instead of destroy my family all alone. That’s when I lay on the back of an eagle and soar high above the storm clouds that have blocked the warmth of the sun for far too long.

The 2014 Climb

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Marriage, Relationships

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A friend posted this morning that 2013 has been a year of ups and downs and he was caught somewhere between dirt and sky. I love this statement! It’s exactly how I feel.

My professional life is ending on a great note this year. I have grown as a manager, I have two great staff and at a turtle’s pace we are beginning to make a difference in the public housing communities in which I work. What I have most loved about work this year is having gained the ability to trust my staff and losing the need to control every aspect of my work. It took some time, but I made it!

My personal life flipped over several times, crashed into a tree and went off the cliff. It’s been rough. Separation is no fun, but I’m growing as a person during this trial. My prayer life has grown tremendously because God left me no other choice. Lol. He was kind enough to warn me what was coming, but it didn’t lessen the impact of the hurt that brought me to my knees. I lost my husband, best friend, lover and more. You can make the list as long as you want, everything was all rolled up into that one person. That is unhealthy behavior and quite frankly idolatry. I put too much pressure on him to be everything. It constantly made me feel disappointed and I’m sure made him feel like a failure.

God always has a plan though and if you let him correct your mistakes he will. I knew that us being apart was the only way to potentially save us. I just didn’t know how I would survive it. I felt like I was thrown from a trapeze into a free fall not knowing when I would hit bottom. In the process of this I just began to ask God what he wanted to get out of me so it could all be over. I wasn’t angry or ready to turn my back on him because of the pain. I was running as fast as I could to the shelter of his arms. I found the strength to take the force of the impact and any ripple effects there.

He said he wanted my full attention, to quit worrying about my husband. He said he wanted me to invite him in and relinquish control and that once I did I would no longer be allowed to do anything but let him work. I got no sleep that evening. Anxiety kept me up all night. The trinity had lost their minds, lol. I was under the impression that I have been controlling everything since I was a child. I was so wrong of course! So this very important relationship was on the line and I said ok God I invite you in and I won’t do anything. Well that didn’t last, but a few hours. I called my friend in distress cause my anxiety levels were doing nothing but increasing. She tried to be nice, but she let me have it. It basically came down to get yourself together, repent and follow instructions. So I did. It’s months later and I’ve managed to obey.

My complete focus wasn’t on God though it was still on my husband until about a week ago. He made me so angry that I just said Lord that’s it. This is exhausting. I heard a chuckle and then God said, “I see my son has finally made you mad enough to focus on me. Are you ready?” With clenched fists I said yes and he replied great let’s do this. He was referring to healing all the broken pieces of my heart, so for the last week I’ve been praying and purging. He told me to make a picture of what I was leaving behind and what I was envisioning for 2014. He said I was to call it the 2014 climb. I made the picture and as I count down the hours to the new year, I have mentally gathered all my hiking gear. I know this will be the hardest climb yet, but I know he will be with me every step of the way. I can’t wait to see the view from the top.

I pray someone finds hope in my words. I always ask him what to write. Happy New Year!