Tag: family

Page of Cups

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Uncategorized

I can’t remember the time of day two years ago he asked me if I could have kids. I looked at him and said yes and that was pretty much the decision to start trying. For me it would be starting all over again. For him it would be his first. It was important for me to give him this gift, it was a component of my highest destiny.

For two years we tried and the energy between us got so crazy in 2020 that I don’t know how we survived, but we did. My shaman cleared a lot of karmic energy from past lifetimes that was causing craziness in this lifetime. We were both tired of clearing energy and asked if the highest destiny was worth the price I was paying. I was sowing in tears hoping to reap a harvest. I held on a little longer, but the craziness continued and I let him know that there would be no baby with me until he was ready.

My sister dreamed first of her little Mexican niece. She called me so excited. “I can see her! Oh she’s so beautiful! When are y’all going to give me my baby?” “We’re trying,” I’d say. My sister is in denial about our shared spiritual gifts since my exit from the church lol. I was the next to see her in a dream. She’s quite beautiful and I became exicted and exasperated at the same time. Page of cups energy kept surfacing in my tarot readings about my relationship.

You two are going to have a child. This child is really trying to come here, she’s waiting on the right time. She’s not coming into craziness. Does she know who she chose for her parents lol? Page of cups is driving the spread….

In August I gave up the hope of having a daughter and decided travel it would be. Project Mexican baby had simply taken too long and we had chose to spoil the dog even more than he already was. I gave up a lot of things in August that had consumed me for months in worry. We both felt the shift of me being pulled in another direction, one that had my full attention. I was laughing and happy all the time from the energy of making my first short film. I had not been that way in a long time. Blunt conversations were had and the alarm sounded as I realized that perhaps I just might have had enough of trying.

You don’t realize what you have until it’s almost gone. Get it together sir, I tried to tell you I’m every woman. Soy bruja y mujer juntos. Soy especial. I’m the soul mate holding up the mirror so your reflection evolves, you do the same for me.

On the fifth day of the fifth week, my doctor called and said Ms. Thompson you’re pregnant. Five is the number of major changes coming. I was at Baker’s Crust eating a chicken sandwich and fries. “Sorry, what did you say,” I asked. “Ms. Thompson you’re pregnant.” I had drank a whole bottle of wine before as I was certain menopause had come for my ass years too early, so this news was surprising. I had been trying to think of a way to tell him no es possible ahora. Now I was calling saying we’re having a baby. His reaction was flat because he thought I was lying. I hate liars and he knows this lol. He sent his daily lunch text asking me how things were going. I asked him if he had gone crazy that day since he was clearly ignoring my big announcement. When he realized this was really happening I got the happy emoji and everyone was excited.

View of the lake during my hike

On the sixth day of the sixth week, I started spotting. Six is the number for balance. All the energy around me was out of balance and I had been going through a very stressful work event. On Tuesday night I went to the ER and turned back around when I saw how many people were waiting. I was not risking covid. The next morning I had an ultrasound and baby was there. I left the doctors and my spirit whispered life is leaving your body. I tried to be still. I promised everyone I would. I worked from the bed. The bleeding got worse daily. By 11:30 Saturday morning there was no baby and I could not reply to the daily lunch text. I didn’t want to carry the heaviness of losing his first child.

He’s been amazing. We don’t know where this new guy came from, but we like him much better. On Sunday I hiked 5.5 miles to keep from crying all day. I don’t recommend doing this. You’ll always find me by the water during stressful times. My friend dreamed of my daughter. It seems my great grandmother is trying to help her enter this realm. I will not worry any more. Today the emperor and empress joined the page of cups, it’s driving the spread.

Me Complaining? No way!

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Marriage, Relationships, Spirituality

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I would like to introduce you to my dog Bruno. This is the cute little face my husband came up the steps with when he returned in October.

The back story is that everyone had wanted a pet for the last four years, but no consensus had been reached. I being the only source of estrogen in the house wanted a small dog or an independent cat who required little care. My three men as I call them wanted a large dog, a pit bull. So we argued and argued and I ended each argument by putting my foot down with a vehement no.

And then there was Bruno, a pit/lab mix. This was my husband’s way of saying I am the man, head of household, running the show up in here up in here spouse. This is our new order. He of course will never admit this lol. I took the cute little puppy and gave the hubby my list of I will nots.

Slowly but surely my husband slacked on his puppy duties. Bruno was not house trained and that was my first I will not. Hubby got tired of constant clean up and protested. “Y’all play with the dog, but you won’t help me clean up after him. That’s not right.” I am now realizing my Nigerian husband is using southern terms like y’all, which is very amusing. He also argues like an African. This can mean very long debates. He finds these amusing as we suffer through them and we all begin to yell like banshees  just to drown him out.

He said to me on a Friday night, you get to sleep in on Saturday while I have to go to work. Screech, back up! What? I informed him that he had single handedly taken away all my sleeping in by deciding to get a dog all by himself. The extra responsibility was too much. That I had no me time cause even the dog looks to me for food when I get home and that because of his male ego he had altered my life without my permission. Did I mention you don’t accuse a proud African of having ego issues? Yeah definitely not supposed to do that. He took Bruno to go sleep on the couch, which was not nice because they are my source of warmth at night lol.  He texts me from the basement he had put my puppy up for adoption on Craigslist.

Exclusive ownership of Bruno can shift depending on the situation. Since we weren’t sure of Bruno’s fate, I packed a back pack with snacks for both of us and rolled out. Dogs on hikes can’t be adopted.. We sat by a beautiful lake, ate our snacks and made our way home.

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I came in my room to pray. Arguing over stupid stuff was becoming annoying. Of course I was pointing the finger at the husband who had accused me of complaining too much. I was like Jesus does he know my struggle? I’m tired, always on, cleaning, cooking…… I am American! I have a job too! As I flipped through my normal chapters for encouraging words I found none. Isaiah,  psalms, proverbs…..nothing. So I started reading chapters you never hear about Jude, Philemon….nothing. Let me show you where I end up.

Philippians 2:14 – Do everything without complaining or arguing.

I exhaled. Why was I in trouble? Is this seriously the verse you want me to focus on? I was not the only one guilty. I took another breath and accepted the correction.  My actions had not been the greatest. I shifted my focus.

The greatest gift to a relationship is to focus on improving yourself. You can’t force the other to change, they have to want change. I shifted my focus to being grateful. My list of to dos has not gotten shorter, but that is no longer my focus. Arguing over stupid stuff caused a separation and the worst year. A year we can’t get back. As I went through that struggle I decided I wanted to change me. I wanted others to be happy to be in my life.

As I sit typing this blog my husband is washing my car for me. He fixes anything that is broken. We all have food and shelter. We are a family. There is laughter, peace and love flowing through my home. There used to be so much strife. We have a family pet who loves walks, runs and hikes.

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Nope I won’t complain.

Overcoming Fear

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, mental health, Relationships, Separation

I became acquainted with fear as a child observing my mother and other family members.  I observed that because they were afraid of doing most anything our family tended to have the same outcomes.  This observation greatly shaped the adult I would become.

I would acquire an extreme fear of committment.  If I could redo about two decades of relationships I would.  Bad choices left layers of pain.  As a youth, I developed the idea that marriage was evil.  I saw nothing good in it.  Marriage created siblings that meant extra responsibilities.  More work for my mother.  Arguments over adult issues and the list goes on and on.  I decided by the time I became a teen that I would never get married.  I would at most have a live in boyfriend with a backup just in case.

I carried all of these fears into my marriage and oh the devastation it caused.  I didn’t even notice what was happening.  I remember one day being in the kitchen and I just began to cry. “God why did you place these three people under my care?  I’m such a failure.  I never wanted a family and you totally rearranged my life!  Look at the mess I’ve created.”  I received the most gentle reply as I walked to the table and opened the bible.  I had never seen the scripture before, but I had to go sit down after reading Psalm 68:6.

My tears of frustration turned into tears of gratitude.  He had connected two of the most lonely people, my husband and myself, across an ocean.  My husband had said prayer for a family far away from Nigeria.  On my end I had a five-year old telling me his house was supposed to have a daddy that lived there with us.  My youngest son is a handful!  My husband found my match.com profile.  I can only laugh at how all of this happened.  You live long enough to be able to recognize divine intervention when it happens because you go around in a daze asking if what occurred really happened the way it did.

As I sat on the couch, I realized that God had blessed me with children and a husband so that I would know what unconditional love felt like and all I did was complain about it.  Months ago in a soaking worship service I had a vision of myself as a child.  I was in a pit in a white dress turning in circles.  I was searching for someone to love me, but no one ever came.  Although I was in this pit, there was the brightest light all around me and the most beautiful lawn.  God whispered to me, “You will never have to search for love like that again.”  Have you ever been totally wrecked with gratitude?  I needed so many kleenex that evening.  It was an epic day for healing a very deep hurt that I had carried for decades.  I hurt my family because I was broken and hurting.  I have sense learned you should enter into marriage a whole person.  My husband and I had no pre-marital counseling, but lots of issues that should have been discussed.

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Sink Way Deep Down

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, depression, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, mental health, Relationships, Separation, Uncategorized

There has been such tragedies in the news over the last week. Momentum building with one story after another. Eric Garner strangled to death by choke hold. Michael Brown murdered in Ferguson. Robin Williams commits suicide because of depression. Two more black males murdered by law enforcement. People fleeing persecution in Iraq. I spent most of my week weeping for people I don’t even know.

I may never meet them, but I have prayed for them. My oldest son is 18. I tried to talk to him after the Michael Brown tragedy, but I honestly could barely find words. The picture I had seen of the mother brought my breath to a halt. Only a photograph can capture that level of agony. I carried that image in my mind for days.

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Photo credit: Huy Mach

I’ve carried pain in my heart for months. Shifting it around, trying to lessen the load. Praying, breathing, meditating and stretching beyond my current self. There is a lot going on in my life. My marriage is still at a complete halt. I can at this moment say I’m neither married nor single. I live in question mark status. Nevertheless, I’m going to rely on the one who never changes. Jesus. He is trying to get me to be a better human through all of this. Pain causes you to grow.

 

I had decided to close my joint account last week and begin processing divorce in minuscule increments. Even that seemed to be too much. A text from my husband came at 5:45 a.m. Do not close the joint account. Translation is simple, we are not taking the first step towards divorce. I could only type ok.

I have read Proverbs 31 many times trying to figure out how to become this woman for my family. I have worked so hard on self-improvement over the last year. I’ve been waiting on my sons and husband to notice. For someone to call me blessed. My son called me crazy a few days ago. I really contemplated his one word description of me based on my past actions and it made me very sad.

I have been taking yoga classes every Sunday and Tuesday. It’s becoming something I need to do to start my week peacefully. Reflecting on all the violence stemmed from hatred in the news I placed my mat on the floor. I was praying for a scripture to focus on during the class. In front of me was a yogi that had a stone placed on her mat. I know that has to do with chakras and energy. Our instructor wanted to chant. I abstained, but I listened to the beautiful sound it made and it left me with a very good feeling. I have been dedicating my yoga practice to God healing myself and my family. So many different people and beliefs in one room and there was no hatred. Maybe some have life complications, but we all left it on the mat. I was the only brown person in the room, but I felt peace not fear.

Romans 14:9 – So let us try to do what makes peace and helps one another.

I honor each life experience. For experience teaches wisdom and we should never grow tired of learning. Every life has value. Every problem a solution. Your belief may be different from mine, but I serve a God of such an amazing love. I am going to do my very best to share this love with my family and whomever else I’m destined to encounter. I also believe we should love our planet and the animals that don’t speak human. Let your roots sink way deep down as storms will come from time to time. Like yogis you will find we have the ability to bend and not break.

I am very grateful for every person that took the time to pray for me and my family over the last year. I am thankful we are all here. I am thankful that I know God is no respector of persons. I am thankful that miracles can arise from the most horrific circumstances. I am thankful God restores the broken. Namaste.