I released 10 red balloons into the night sky standing on the back patio the Mexican built for me. It only took him four hours once I conceded he really didn’t need my help lol. It was the last step in releasing an energetic pattern that kept resurfacing in my relationships. I was being guided by intuition and a vision I’d had about my relationship while in a crystal reiki session and balloons had also been in a dream.
An unraveling started on February 10th, days before my birthday. I had made a shamanic healing appointment, not knowing sadness would accompany me to Charlottesville again. I entered Rachel’s apartment and took my normal seat on her couch and welcomed the pets. She asked what we were working on that day and I began the story of the problem of loving men born on January 28th. I had no idea how I had manifested this birthday back to back, but I had issues with it.
“Rachel I need you and Jesus to fix this issue. This is the absolute last time I’m dealing with cheating. Absolute last!” She then asked me how I had approached relationships when I was younger and I scoffed. “I never wanted relationships or children as a result of childhood observations,” I said. Relationships equaled heartbreak over and over again. I of course loved the men of that time, but I wasn’t faithful to any of them. I could only shake my head at my former self.
Now my thoughts are very different. The soul mate showed up in 2017 and brought peace and happy with him. Happy like I’ve never experienced before. So Rachel and I did the spiritual work and broke a soul contract from an Egyptian past life. I had had many lifetimes of being an unfaithful partner in this contract. I saw black smoke followed by Egyptian writing leaving my hands and feet as she journeyed into the past life.
From there I went into a silent weekend retreat a couple of weeks later. I wanted an apology from him I wasn’t getting. I wanted answers that weren’t coming. So I sat at the river in the cold and thought. I sat on a wooden church pew and wrote poetry trying to get past everything. He was living in his ego space and I was desperately trying not to match that energy and stay in my heart space.
Things started getting better with us in March, but I’m highly intuitive with psychic gifts. I knew something wasn’t right. I had a tarot reading on April 6th and the tower was driving the spread. My reader did not want to give me more bad relationship news so she kept bringing my attention to the card opposite the tower. I had no idea the tower meant shit was about to get real and self destruct again a few hours later. Why was this happening? I took care of this in February. I did a second tarot reading and scheduled another shamanic session. Everyone was on the same frequency, I only had to survive this one more time to get to the sunshine and rainbows on the other side. I focused on the 1010 energy and broke ties with that queen of swords that was causing me to have an extremely low vibration.
Rachel and I ended my karmic pattern of oppressive relationships with men. This cycle was ending for good and a new one was beginning. She said I had came into this life to experience how I had treated women in a past life. I remembered what I had learned in October and put the energy for the new life into the earth mandala.
I did not lose sight of my highest destiny line no matter what circumstances showed up in my reality. My family and friends were over it, especially my sister. My sister also dreams the future, so she was torn between wanting her Mexican niece she had dreamed and telling me to stalk taco food trucks to find my boyfriend’s replacement. My highest destiny was written in my journal. This Mexican was top pick for this lifetime.
My grandmother came to me and said let him find his way back to you. I waited 30 days and thought this isn’t working. We’re dealing with massive ego issues. I again went into the humility of the heart space. I was met with anger of not providing the family he wants with me. I met that with compassion. I explained the natural and spiritual reasons of why his daughter was taking so long to get here. He likely doesn’t know what to believe dating me lol. I think most Mexicans are catholic. He doesn’t want to believe in shamans. I stand in front of him and say, “Soy chaman.” He just looks at me like what the hell lol. I had my last session with Rachel last week and the orcas and dolphins were our guides. We sat on the ocean with them holding our children while Rachel again journeyed into the past life to fix energy causing current problems. She said stop trying to make the baby with desperate energy and find the way back to the joy and love we had before.
I went to him on Mother’s Day and told him I was tired of fighting. He was tired too. We made up and said we’d work on us. A few days before I saw a license plate that said last try. We were able to fall back into the peace of being soul mates for a few hours. He’s still in the ego space and angry with me. I will keep meeting this anger with compassion. I know his disappointment makes him want to hurt my heart so I will feel what his does. I sincerely hope I can say we made a baby in a couple of weeks so this will be done with!
As I end thoughts on my current life experience I want to provide encouragement to myself and whoever may read this. Life is not perfect with soul mates, but if it’s worth fighting for choose your battle wisely. Also remember to fight for yourself. We can lose our identities loving someone. Rachel demanded I return to my sovereignty and stop giving my power away. Sometimes space is a good thing even when it feels like death. Lastly what is meant to be will be. I happen to be with a soul mate I’ve been with for lifetimes. So let’s all stay present, breathe and believe for miracles.
Namaste.
The Unconventional Life 
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