This month, I was very intententional about experiencing Black arts and culture for Black History Month. With only a few days left of February, I must admit to being wiped out from acting like an extrovert all month 🤣. Today, I quietly sat in my divination space, trying to improve my bullet journaling skills. A much need introvert recharge!
My February arts experiences included:
– Plunky and Oneness concert
– The Colored Museum play
– African American Read In
– Current documentary screening and talk
– Afrikana Film Festival screening of Origins
– Kadencia Afro Puertican concert
My monthly tarot energy was the judgment card. Judgment can represent an epiphany, rebirth and new opportunities. I had this realization that life was just passing me by. My days consist of a lot of work and not much else. I realized it was time to make some major life changes. This will require me to close some doors on people and situations that no longer serve my highest good. I have been in limbo for too long and it’s time to move forward. I don’t exactly know where this road is going, but I have to trust things will work out for the best.
I managed to take a few days off for my birthday. I normally plan a solo trip that includes a flight to somewhere, but this year I spent my birthday with my sisters and mom. It was a great birthday! We went to an open mic night and Cuban restaurant that had great food and dancing. I’m still hoping to do a trip to Cartagena this year. I love solo trips!
With my mom and sisterWith momSisters 😁
I also had been in dating app hell and had given myself an exit deadline. I’m happy to say I’m free! I’m looking for something the apps don’t have and I’m ok with that. Not to say a wonderful surprise didn’t show up. Well more like a manifestation, but I’m observing and going with the flow. I don’t find myself worrying about the future. I’m truly happy with the present moment which is a great accomplishment for someone with control issues that likes detailed long-term plans lol. My astrologer said I’m welcoming joy back into my life.
I know March will require me to make major changes. I’ve been working to gather that insane level of faith that results in miracles. I’ve had enough miracles to know to trust my intuition. Life is never boring lol!
Are you experiencing an epiphany or a fresh start? I’d love to hear about it! I hope you are also running after lovely days. It could be something small as lunch with a friend or as big as traveling to somewhere you’ve never been. Fill a journal with these memories and give it to yourself as a gift.
Where do you find home when you’ve searched most of your life for belonging? I have not found home in square or rectangular structures built by men with plans. I have found home in being a cypress tree in my dreams. Tall and strong with roots anchored deep into Mother Earth and branches growing towards the bluest sky.
Go home America says if you’re black, brown or any color other than white. My body traveled to the mother land, Nigeria to be exact. I walked out of the Lagos airport and saw the same shade of black among so many people. It was as if I was sifting the darkest coffee roast with my eyes instead of my hands. I wondered how I would find the man I flew thousands of miles to marry with no hue variation in people. Panic, awe and intrigue went through me all at the same time. Panic finally said, “Crazy girl you’ve done it now! Your ass did not think about everyone being Black and your phone not working across the Atlantic. What if his ass doesn’t show up to marry you?” I then looked up from my phone to see him walking towards me smiling. I breathed a sigh of relief. I saw blackness everywhere amongst strange foods and bright, patterned fabrics. We tried to find home in each other. We tried to forget we were running from the hurt of others as we exchanged vows and rode motorcycles. I tried to wash the heat of the land off me multiple times daily but had not packed enough clothes for so many showers. Perhaps that’s why the television shows I remember about Africa had half-naked people with painted faces. I would rather have been naked with tribal face paint standing in the ocean with blue green waves crashing around me.
We lived in my American house, but like I said, I never found home in structures created by men. When he left, I found home in an esoteric pull to mystic things. I was not scared because I’ve had the gift of sight into the supernatural since I was a child. Ancestors, spirit guides and spirit animals greeted and welcomed me home to my authentic self. My mother watched this journey and remembered my baptism as a baby in the spiritualist church. I always laugh as she tells me I was aunt Helen’s child as she stood at the altar with Reverend Hester. My mother sat in the back frozen with fear as objects began to float in air during the baptism. My mom is afraid of everything and we call her chicken little. I am awaiting the right time to visit the spiritualist people. My intuition tells me I know how to do their magic. Their founder shared my birthday and loved the woods like me. Reading his biography with my aunt was eerie.
I have a favorite meditation, come home to your authentic self. I think I find home in the evolution of me. My vertebrae merge African and Native American spiritual practices in my body. I left churches for bodies of water and campfires. I know the Cherokee heart song and have been jolted once by some electric force during a shamanic journey. African shamans are initiated by lightning strikes. My shaman says, “Kathryn you have the mojo you don’t need me.” I think she’s the training wheels to my current bicycle ride.
Home is healing with emerald energy placed at heart center. It’s waking up to Mexican curls on the pillow beside me and the sound of Telemundo echoing through the house. It’s Home Depot runs on Sunday because the Mexican is the one that builds structures I never found home in. Although when I go into the basement he renovated I turn in circles thinking to myself this is now home. I wonder about us. I haven’t told him his spirit leaves his body and tells me how much he loves me. He is afraid of this love. I wonder about us, soulmates with the 222 energy circling us. I watch him in the garden through windows. Keep the faith Kat and come home to your authentic self. Whoever she may be I’m sure she’ll be strangely magnificent.
For over a year I’ve looked at the wordpress app and my journal. There has been no time to designate to either. There has only been time for work and the occasional mental note of things I’d like to do if I had time.
One such mental note was visiting lighthouses. I took a birthday trip to OBX and was delighted about visiting my first lighthouse. I have yet to identify the reason for my fascination with them. Maybe because they are guides for unchartered voyages.
Midway through 2017 I think I was searching for light. I only had to look in the mirror. Light workers illuminate everything. So much has happened in these almost two years. I am in my fourth year of running a nonprofit. The spirit guide said he was sending a new guy and to be careful with his heart. He happens to be Mexican y yo soy muy feliz. Cuidado with people whom you try to hold onto that are blocking the path to blessings that will have you standing in one spot wondering . I took a novel writing class as an investment in myself. My book is not finished, but it was such a great experience. I became an advanced reiki practitioner in November of last year. I am on my way to becoming what I sense I was sent here to be.
Con El Mexicano
I can’t bring my journey forward two years in one blog post. I’m not quite sure where I’m going, but feel changes are coming soon. Angel numbers indicate good changes so I am not anxious. I am learning to appreciate the art of being present. This happens to be very important since the Vitamin Shoppe stopped selling Zenify lol.
As I continue on my journey, I will continually look for the light to guide me. I know this will bring wonderful people and experiences into my life. I will continue my exploration of shamanism and try to be a guide to those who have lost their way in darkness.
I can say over the course of this year that I have put all my heart and soul into being grateful no matter what my circumstances. It has not always been easy. There have been many nights that I cried in between trying to sleep. There have been days where I locked myself in my office because I couldn’t hold it together while at work. I would just randomly cry. Wanting someone to return even a small portion of love you are trying to give them and not get anything in return is so hard. I remember telling my mom one day that I hadn’t asked for much other than time. Spending time with me was something I had begged for, but really never received. Even after making that my number one item on our new marriage contracts I still didn’t get it.
You eventually just feel this blackness start to overtake you. You fight like hell to not get lost in this blackness, but it just becomes so hard. I looked up and had nothing but ashes. I didn’t understand why really. I just knew that I had again lost myself trying to jump through every hoop to make him happy. For months I’ve just worked on me and accepting my new life. I tried on words like separation and divorce like new clothes. If they didn’t fit that day I didn’t force it. I had to look in the mirror and say out loud I choose not to love you because you choose not to love me. I had to remind myself that I was loveable. God sent people that wanted to physically shake me to ask Kathryn can you see yourself? Can you see your worth? I would just look at them and nod in agreement.
I’ve spent months with the puppy. Months and months. I didn’t complain. I just chose to be grateful. If a human didn’t want to spend time with me Bruno did. This was my life. Then the axis shifted an eclipse occurred and I emerged into this newness.
Psalm 30:5 ~ ….Crying may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning.
I’ve not had any expectations for meeting anyone new. I was just trying to master living. I was trying to find happiness in any circumstance. I was practicing yoga on and off the mat. Out of nowhere what I had begged for for years was given to me within a matter of days. Someone who was so happy to spend all of his free time with me. Honestly I wanted to run far and fast. It’s been scary. I keep asking myself is this really happening. Does he really like doing things that are important to me. He even loves Bruno! It’s like I’m in some sort of dream that I keep expecting to wake up from. I expected him to go as quickly as he came and I said self just be grateful that yesterday happened. Then came another day and another and another. The days have yet to end.
This week he’s shared in two things that I really love doing. Things that have brought me peace during the worst days. Hiking and my spiritual journaling class. Today I woke up with an overflowing heart. I realized I had a squad! I have supportive people surrounding me saying Kathryn be happy you deserve happiness. Hiking Humpback Rock in Waynesboro.
Yesterday I hiked a mountain. I cursed all the way up the mountain LOL and he was right by my side with water for breaks and a supportive hand or words. He lead when I needed him to lead. He stopped if I couldn’t breathe and he made sure I made it to the top. We made it to the top together with some friends that I’ve been blessed to come into my life. They all helped me make it to the top. I drove into work crying today because I remember what happy feels like. I could only say thank you Jesus. I’ve been trying to find better words all day today, but that’s all I got. Thank you for blessing me.
Anxiety set in because who actually has this happen to them? Surely not me! He’s even foreign and chocolate! Like seriously where does this happen? This song resides in my heart and spirit today. Jesus you are so good to me! I don’t know what tomorrow may bring, but I thank you for the break in the clouds.
I recently attended a, seminar at my church, Fighting Back With Joy, by author Margaret Feinberg. Joy was not even on my radar, but I just felt like I should go. My whole thought process has been focused on gratitude. I’ve been trying so hard to make this an every day component of my life even if all I write down every day is the dog and my two sons. Armies don’t go into battle with one type of weapon though. That would be insane! There are more weapons! Not discounting gratitude of course, I think it has added another dimension of peace to my life. But then there’s the epic battle with depression, you need joy to fight great sadness.
Galatians 5:22-23 – But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control. There is no law against these things.
I went to the seminar alone. I don’t have friends to call up and say hey wanna hang out. I think the drama of a bad marriage caused me to lose the ones I had. It’s really hard listening to a person’s suffering on a daily basis. I tried not to be Debbie Downer, but you have friends to vent to right? I most definitely should have used my imagination to give conversational details about my every day life. I miss one friend a hell of a lot, she always made me laugh and she had a cat that I would go pet for eternity on really bad days. So what do you do when you lose your very limited quantity of friends? You pray for new ones that will be able to relate to your circumstances, otherwise everyone will keep dropping you like a bad habit.
I have met three women recently who can relate. I met the newest one at the church event. She was on a pursuit for joy. She shared her story, which was worse than my own, with a smile. I must say she was a beautiful soul and I was thankful that God was still answering my prayer. Even for something as small as having someone to enjoy breaks with for the evening.
I learned some very important things about how to fight with joy. The author was diagnosed with cancer and she shared how she had researched joy for an entire year, because that was her weapon to fight cancer. She was a great comedian! There was so much laughter during her presentation. Laughter feels so much better than crying.
So how do you load, aim and shoot joy at what knocks the breath out of you?
1. Poke holes in the darkness with laughter. Overcome despair and doubt with gratitude. Draw a line in your life and surround yourself with nontoxic people. So you may get kicked to the curb like I did if others in your life are doing this lol. Don’t take it personal!
Proverbs 17:22 ~ A cheerful heart is good medicine.
2. Remain suspicious God is up to something good.
Genesis 50:20 ~ You meant to hurt me, but God turned your evil into good to save the lives of many people, which is being done now.
I blog to purge my heart and soul of the tremendous amount of pain weighing me down. I need to be set free. We all know the divorce rate in this country is extremely high. That was one reason I chose to fly across an ocean and marry into a culture where divorce is pretty much not an option. I have no clue what my husband’s problem is, but it required me to shift my focus. It required me to say Lord what are you trying to teach me through this horrible experience? If I hadn’t been mistreated I wouldn’t have gone in search of the depths of God’s love. I was only experiencing surface love prior to all this marriage hell. Jesus showed up one day with an empty present and he gave it to me. He told me to put all the pain in the empty box so he could exchange it with his love. He said that was his primary purpose in my life. When I handed the box back, he began to send waves one at a time of his love. I was only able to physically withstand seven waves. I felt I was about to faint right in the therapist’s office. All I could ask is what kind of love is this? It’s too much. He took my pain that day and walked away with it. I have not been the same since. It is impossible to remain the same after such an experience.
3. Help others fight back with joy.
Be compassionate. Suffer with someone.
Be calm. Broken people don’t need you to fix them.
Be constructive. Ask them what they need.
Be consistent. Commit to be there for the long haul.
Be confessional. Ask God how to pray.
Our last act that evening was to release red balloons into the air to shift our focus from our problems up to God. I must confess at times I go back and forth with this. I’m determined to keep getting up after every fall until I learn to quit taking my problems back after prayer. I know my prayers are being heard. Oh the struggles of becoming a reformed control freak lol. Red balloons were the symbol of joy for the author.
So what weapons did you go into battle with? Anger, fear, depression, loneliness, despair. Trust me those weapons are useless. They will leave you crippled. The fruits of the Spirit are so much more effective. It’s like learning to operate at a Navy seal level versus that of a private. We all know that training is really going to kick your ass on a daily. But you come through it with things you didn’t even know you had. Buying Margaret's book. Don't we look joyful?!
My last sentence is borrowed from another author. Choose your weapons wisely and follow the divine instructions and I’ll see you on the other side.
God whispers to us in our pleasures, but he shouts to us in our pain. ~ C.S. Lewis
My friend said my life is like a Tyler Perry movie. I must say I think he’s right because you can’t even make up the stuff that happens to me. In spite of it all I chose to smile today. I took the dog that my husband walked out on for two walks. I did yard work and some yoga. Most importantly I prayed.
There are a few people in my life that are sticking with me through the craziness. I love and appreciate them so much! Today’s events were borderline crazy as far as marriage drama. What’s done in the dark always comes to light.
Yesterday the Holy Spirit told me I would see my husband at the library. Today it happened. I must again reflect on God’s love for me even through the pure hell I’m going through I know this love. My husband doesn’t want me to know his address. I also endured this during the first separation. I cried for weeks driving up and down streets of multiple cities, but God kept me. He kept me from completely falling apart.
I watched my husband drive away with my staff through library windows. I’ll spare the Internet the crazy details. I decided to drive to my office rather than drive up and down streets. I pulled up behind a car with a license plate of TKIT2GOD. Take it to God. I just began to laugh. God is trying so hard to move me beyond worrying. I think I’ll just free fall into grace and peace.
I started my day with prayer and exercise. I felt myself coming out of the fog of depression that overshadows me. It changed my day.
There is a song by Kurt Carr called God Kept Me. It’s my testimony. Joy is sometimes so very hard to find, which makes it even more precious.
So I’m here today because he kept me. I’m alive today only because of his grace. God kept me. He kept me. God’s mercy held me close so I wouldn’t let go.
May the joy of the Lord be my strength and yours in abundance. Amen
2012 was an epic year for stress both personally and professionally. When you have no peace you become this monster of sorts. It got to the point where I didn’t recognize or like myself. I was so angry and frustrated all the time. I would come home and my family would be locked behind bedroom doors. My husband met me at the door one day and said I was like a piece of wood that had been soaked in gasoline and he never knew what would set me off. The weight and force of those words landed a powerful punch. I carried it for days. I am not one of the thousands of minorities that would tell you to go to hell for suggesting therapy so I made an appointment.
Fast forward to 2014. My husband has nailed me to particular places or arguments and is still holding me hostage. I used my imagination to erect walls and free myself from my clothing and walked away naked. I can’t continually live in those times and spaces. We were in a relationship that was a death sentence with weapons pointed at each other. Type A’s always keep a finger on the trigger, especially if you have deep wounds from others like me. You need to understand that what you’re demanding of the other person in a relationship you must also give. Your perception of how great a spouse you are doesn’t matter if that is not the other person’s reality.
I recently heard a NPR story on the havoc malaria was causing in Nigeria. Why? The reporter began to go into the daily lives of women in that country. She was the farmer, sold at the market, took care of the family, etc. As the reporter kept talking I was thinking to myself where the hell was her support? If a child came down with malaria everything came to a screeching halt because she then had to go take care of the child for two weeks. No farming, no selling, no income. My reality was burdens that were breaking my spinal cord, but his perception was a totally different picture.
I looked at that space where rusty nails drenched by tears were holding my clothes hostage and I ran to Jesus. He said to come learn to walk on water. I love oceans and mountains. They are peaceful places so I accepted his invitation.
I confessed like I was raised a devout catholic hurt after hurt. I can’t trust anyone. No one takes care of me but me. I give more than I ever receive. This shattered my self-esteem and I’m just a broken mess trying to exist in a broken family. So on and so on.
Hillsong United released a song called Oceans recently that I absolutely love. It took me back to basics. Is it more important to remain a Type A dictator and destroy everyone to climb some corporate ladder? Corporate ladders do not come with guarantees no matter how hard you work. All your hard work makes the top layer of the organization appear more successful or competent while you may be invisible. You increase your productivity beyond a safe zone because Type A’s thrive on stress and chaos. They can quickly come up with plans and solutions to fix everything. Not only that, I discovered my dreams have changed. I had to consider why I was giving all my energy to my job. My life was not balanced and I no longer need an executive seat. I examined a Type B personality and I said to myself it’s time for a transition. As dysfunctional as the setting was, I enjoyed being part of my family.
I’ve traveled a great distance on the sea. I’ve shed almost 50 pounds because water travel on foot requires focus on the one who can do miracles. I never thought much about myself being a miracle, but I feel like God sounded some ultrasonic call to me with an offer I couldn’t refuse. A chance to be made whole. The damaged pieces of me are being sunk to the bottom of the sea with each step. I am gaining divine trust and peace in my transition. The end of this trek will be called joy, something I’ve never known. I love being able to follow others on social media who have traveled to my destination for different reasons. Their photos and stories provide daily inspiration.
Life is far from perfect and I do get tired of fighting to now save instead of destroy my family all alone. That’s when I lay on the back of an eagle and soar high above the storm clouds that have blocked the warmth of the sun for far too long.
The Unconventional Life 
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