Tag: #living

Overcoming Fear

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, mental health, Relationships, Separation

I became acquainted with fear as a child observing my mother and other family members.  I observed that because they were afraid of doing most anything our family tended to have the same outcomes.  This observation greatly shaped the adult I would become.

I would acquire an extreme fear of committment.  If I could redo about two decades of relationships I would.  Bad choices left layers of pain.  As a youth, I developed the idea that marriage was evil.  I saw nothing good in it.  Marriage created siblings that meant extra responsibilities.  More work for my mother.  Arguments over adult issues and the list goes on and on.  I decided by the time I became a teen that I would never get married.  I would at most have a live in boyfriend with a backup just in case.

I carried all of these fears into my marriage and oh the devastation it caused.  I didn’t even notice what was happening.  I remember one day being in the kitchen and I just began to cry. “God why did you place these three people under my care?  I’m such a failure.  I never wanted a family and you totally rearranged my life!  Look at the mess I’ve created.”  I received the most gentle reply as I walked to the table and opened the bible.  I had never seen the scripture before, but I had to go sit down after reading Psalm 68:6.

My tears of frustration turned into tears of gratitude.  He had connected two of the most lonely people, my husband and myself, across an ocean.  My husband had said prayer for a family far away from Nigeria.  On my end I had a five-year old telling me his house was supposed to have a daddy that lived there with us.  My youngest son is a handful!  My husband found my match.com profile.  I can only laugh at how all of this happened.  You live long enough to be able to recognize divine intervention when it happens because you go around in a daze asking if what occurred really happened the way it did.

As I sat on the couch, I realized that God had blessed me with children and a husband so that I would know what unconditional love felt like and all I did was complain about it.  Months ago in a soaking worship service I had a vision of myself as a child.  I was in a pit in a white dress turning in circles.  I was searching for someone to love me, but no one ever came.  Although I was in this pit, there was the brightest light all around me and the most beautiful lawn.  God whispered to me, “You will never have to search for love like that again.”  Have you ever been totally wrecked with gratitude?  I needed so many kleenex that evening.  It was an epic day for healing a very deep hurt that I had carried for decades.  I hurt my family because I was broken and hurting.  I have sense learned you should enter into marriage a whole person.  My husband and I had no pre-marital counseling, but lots of issues that should have been discussed.

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The 2014 Climb

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Marriage, Relationships

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A friend posted this morning that 2013 has been a year of ups and downs and he was caught somewhere between dirt and sky. I love this statement! It’s exactly how I feel.

My professional life is ending on a great note this year. I have grown as a manager, I have two great staff and at a turtle’s pace we are beginning to make a difference in the public housing communities in which I work. What I have most loved about work this year is having gained the ability to trust my staff and losing the need to control every aspect of my work. It took some time, but I made it!

My personal life flipped over several times, crashed into a tree and went off the cliff. It’s been rough. Separation is no fun, but I’m growing as a person during this trial. My prayer life has grown tremendously because God left me no other choice. Lol. He was kind enough to warn me what was coming, but it didn’t lessen the impact of the hurt that brought me to my knees. I lost my husband, best friend, lover and more. You can make the list as long as you want, everything was all rolled up into that one person. That is unhealthy behavior and quite frankly idolatry. I put too much pressure on him to be everything. It constantly made me feel disappointed and I’m sure made him feel like a failure.

God always has a plan though and if you let him correct your mistakes he will. I knew that us being apart was the only way to potentially save us. I just didn’t know how I would survive it. I felt like I was thrown from a trapeze into a free fall not knowing when I would hit bottom. In the process of this I just began to ask God what he wanted to get out of me so it could all be over. I wasn’t angry or ready to turn my back on him because of the pain. I was running as fast as I could to the shelter of his arms. I found the strength to take the force of the impact and any ripple effects there.

He said he wanted my full attention, to quit worrying about my husband. He said he wanted me to invite him in and relinquish control and that once I did I would no longer be allowed to do anything but let him work. I got no sleep that evening. Anxiety kept me up all night. The trinity had lost their minds, lol. I was under the impression that I have been controlling everything since I was a child. I was so wrong of course! So this very important relationship was on the line and I said ok God I invite you in and I won’t do anything. Well that didn’t last, but a few hours. I called my friend in distress cause my anxiety levels were doing nothing but increasing. She tried to be nice, but she let me have it. It basically came down to get yourself together, repent and follow instructions. So I did. It’s months later and I’ve managed to obey.

My complete focus wasn’t on God though it was still on my husband until about a week ago. He made me so angry that I just said Lord that’s it. This is exhausting. I heard a chuckle and then God said, “I see my son has finally made you mad enough to focus on me. Are you ready?” With clenched fists I said yes and he replied great let’s do this. He was referring to healing all the broken pieces of my heart, so for the last week I’ve been praying and purging. He told me to make a picture of what I was leaving behind and what I was envisioning for 2014. He said I was to call it the 2014 climb. I made the picture and as I count down the hours to the new year, I have mentally gathered all my hiking gear. I know this will be the hardest climb yet, but I know he will be with me every step of the way. I can’t wait to see the view from the top.

I pray someone finds hope in my words. I always ask him what to write. Happy New Year!