Tag: love

Page of Cups

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Uncategorized

I can’t remember the time of day two years ago he asked me if I could have kids. I looked at him and said yes and that was pretty much the decision to start trying. For me it would be starting all over again. For him it would be his first. It was important for me to give him this gift, it was a component of my highest destiny.

For two years we tried and the energy between us got so crazy in 2020 that I don’t know how we survived, but we did. My shaman cleared a lot of karmic energy from past lifetimes that was causing craziness in this lifetime. We were both tired of clearing energy and asked if the highest destiny was worth the price I was paying. I was sowing in tears hoping to reap a harvest. I held on a little longer, but the craziness continued and I let him know that there would be no baby with me until he was ready.

My sister dreamed first of her little Mexican niece. She called me so excited. “I can see her! Oh she’s so beautiful! When are y’all going to give me my baby?” “We’re trying,” I’d say. My sister is in denial about our shared spiritual gifts since my exit from the church lol. I was the next to see her in a dream. She’s quite beautiful and I became exicted and exasperated at the same time. Page of cups energy kept surfacing in my tarot readings about my relationship.

You two are going to have a child. This child is really trying to come here, she’s waiting on the right time. She’s not coming into craziness. Does she know who she chose for her parents lol? Page of cups is driving the spread….

In August I gave up the hope of having a daughter and decided travel it would be. Project Mexican baby had simply taken too long and we had chose to spoil the dog even more than he already was. I gave up a lot of things in August that had consumed me for months in worry. We both felt the shift of me being pulled in another direction, one that had my full attention. I was laughing and happy all the time from the energy of making my first short film. I had not been that way in a long time. Blunt conversations were had and the alarm sounded as I realized that perhaps I just might have had enough of trying.

You don’t realize what you have until it’s almost gone. Get it together sir, I tried to tell you I’m every woman. Soy bruja y mujer juntos. Soy especial. I’m the soul mate holding up the mirror so your reflection evolves, you do the same for me.

On the fifth day of the fifth week, my doctor called and said Ms. Thompson you’re pregnant. Five is the number of major changes coming. I was at Baker’s Crust eating a chicken sandwich and fries. “Sorry, what did you say,” I asked. “Ms. Thompson you’re pregnant.” I had drank a whole bottle of wine before as I was certain menopause had come for my ass years too early, so this news was surprising. I had been trying to think of a way to tell him no es possible ahora. Now I was calling saying we’re having a baby. His reaction was flat because he thought I was lying. I hate liars and he knows this lol. He sent his daily lunch text asking me how things were going. I asked him if he had gone crazy that day since he was clearly ignoring my big announcement. When he realized this was really happening I got the happy emoji and everyone was excited.

View of the lake during my hike

On the sixth day of the sixth week, I started spotting. Six is the number for balance. All the energy around me was out of balance and I had been going through a very stressful work event. On Tuesday night I went to the ER and turned back around when I saw how many people were waiting. I was not risking covid. The next morning I had an ultrasound and baby was there. I left the doctors and my spirit whispered life is leaving your body. I tried to be still. I promised everyone I would. I worked from the bed. The bleeding got worse daily. By 11:30 Saturday morning there was no baby and I could not reply to the daily lunch text. I didn’t want to carry the heaviness of losing his first child.

He’s been amazing. We don’t know where this new guy came from, but we like him much better. On Sunday I hiked 5.5 miles to keep from crying all day. I don’t recommend doing this. You’ll always find me by the water during stressful times. My friend dreamed of my daughter. It seems my great grandmother is trying to help her enter this realm. I will not worry any more. Today the emperor and empress joined the page of cups, it’s driving the spread.

Turning A Karmic Corner

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Uncategorized

I released 10 red balloons into the night sky standing on the back patio the Mexican built for me. It only took him four hours once I conceded he really didn’t need my help lol. It was the last step in releasing an energetic pattern that kept resurfacing in my relationships. I was being guided by intuition and a vision I’d had about my relationship while in a crystal reiki session and balloons had also been in a dream.

An unraveling started on February 10th, days before my birthday. I had made a shamanic healing appointment, not knowing sadness would accompany me to Charlottesville again. I entered Rachel’s apartment and took my normal seat on her couch and welcomed the pets. She asked what we were working on that day and I began the story of the problem of loving men born on January 28th. I had no idea how I had manifested this birthday back to back, but I had issues with it.

“Rachel I need you and Jesus to fix this issue. This is the absolute last time I’m dealing with cheating. Absolute last!” She then asked me how I had approached relationships when I was younger and I scoffed. “I never wanted relationships or children as a result of childhood observations,” I said. Relationships equaled heartbreak over and over again. I of course loved the men of that time, but I wasn’t faithful to any of them. I could only shake my head at my former self.

Now my thoughts are very different. The soul mate showed up in 2017 and brought peace and happy with him. Happy like I’ve never experienced before. So Rachel and I did the spiritual work and broke a soul contract from an Egyptian past life. I had had many lifetimes of being an unfaithful partner in this contract. I saw black smoke followed by Egyptian writing leaving my hands and feet as she journeyed into the past life.

Post session. I cried so much I thought I would faint!

From there I went into a silent weekend retreat a couple of weeks later. I wanted an apology from him I wasn’t getting. I wanted answers that weren’t coming. So I sat at the river in the cold and thought. I sat on a wooden church pew and wrote poetry trying to get past everything. He was living in his ego space and I was desperately trying not to match that energy and stay in my heart space.

Reflection views from the retreat.

Things started getting better with us in March, but I’m highly intuitive with psychic gifts. I knew something wasn’t right. I had a tarot reading on April 6th and the tower was driving the spread. My reader did not want to give me more bad relationship news so she kept bringing my attention to the card opposite the tower. I had no idea the tower meant shit was about to get real and self destruct again a few hours later. Why was this happening? I took care of this in February. I did a second tarot reading and scheduled another shamanic session. Everyone was on the same frequency, I only had to survive this one more time to get to the sunshine and rainbows on the other side. I focused on the 1010 energy and broke ties with that queen of swords that was causing me to have an extremely low vibration.

Rachel and I ended my karmic pattern of oppressive relationships with men. This cycle was ending for good and a new one was beginning. She said I had came into this life to experience how I had treated women in a past life. I remembered what I had learned in October and put the energy for the new life into the earth mandala.

I did not lose sight of my highest destiny line no matter what circumstances showed up in my reality. My family and friends were over it, especially my sister. My sister also dreams the future, so she was torn between wanting her Mexican niece she had dreamed and telling me to stalk taco food trucks to find my boyfriend’s replacement. My highest destiny was written in my journal. This Mexican was top pick for this lifetime.

My grandmother came to me and said let him find his way back to you. I waited 30 days and thought this isn’t working. We’re dealing with massive ego issues. I again went into the humility of the heart space. I was met with anger of not providing the family he wants with me. I met that with compassion. I explained the natural and spiritual reasons of why his daughter was taking so long to get here. He likely doesn’t know what to believe dating me lol. I think most Mexicans are catholic. He doesn’t want to believe in shamans. I stand in front of him and say, “Soy chaman.” He just looks at me like what the hell lol. I had my last session with Rachel last week and the orcas and dolphins were our guides. We sat on the ocean with them holding our children while Rachel again journeyed into the past life to fix energy causing current problems. She said stop trying to make the baby with desperate energy and find the way back to the joy and love we had before.

I went to him on Mother’s Day and told him I was tired of fighting. He was tired too. We made up and said we’d work on us. A few days before I saw a license plate that said last try. We were able to fall back into the peace of being soul mates for a few hours. He’s still in the ego space and angry with me. I will keep meeting this anger with compassion. I know his disappointment makes him want to hurt my heart so I will feel what his does. I sincerely hope I can say we made a baby in a couple of weeks so this will be done with!

As I end thoughts on my current life experience I want to provide encouragement to myself and whoever may read this. Life is not perfect with soul mates, but if it’s worth fighting for choose your battle wisely. Also remember to fight for yourself. We can lose our identities loving someone. Rachel demanded I return to my sovereignty and stop giving my power away. Sometimes space is a good thing even when it feels like death. Lastly what is meant to be will be. I happen to be with a soul mate I’ve been with for lifetimes. So let’s all stay present, breathe and believe for miracles.

Namaste.

The Guided Path

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Inspiration, mindfulness, Relationships, Spirituality, Yoga

About a month ago I was lead to go to a prayer service. I wanted to hear a guest speaking about her work in the community. I wanted to be inspired because my own work was feeling more like a burden than a blessing. I listened to her tell of how people were just coming along her path with blessings to help her serve felons being released back into the community. An entire house had been donated! I was inspired by the acts of kindness.

Quite honestly my spiritual journey is turning out to be very different than even what I could’ve come up with. I felt lost and it was causing anxiety that often leads to long periods of panic. If I feel like Jesus isn’t close by I freak totally out. That day felt like I had been dropped in the middle of the Amazon with no guide. Why am I getting a nonprofit off the ground with the present agency infrastructure? Did I totally misinterpret what you said about the Haitian, but you sent people with whole messages? Am I crazy?! Where am I supposed to be and what am I supposed to be doing? Everything feels like it’s too much!

And they prayed for me. And Hope said, “You are not lost. You are where you are supposed to be.” And her name struck me cause I was absolutely hopeless that day and full of wonder about wrong turns and decisions. I was doubting everything making myself feel crazy, which is not good when you’re already a tad odd. And she said you are not lost. The other lady said you are a seer who has been disappointed. I began to cry. She could only discern the inflicted hurt from the church not my personal relationships. And while we prayed for the speaker I saw a vision of many hands reaching through jail cells and oil being poured into their palms. When the two women prayed for me I saw a vision of myself in royal garments. The robe had jewels. I said self you look beautiful!

1 Peter 2:9 But you are a chosen people, royal priests…..You were chosen to tell about the wonderful acts of God.

The speaker I knew was chosen to reach people that are literally being used for profits. They are nameless with corporate and government bottom lines. Jails are big business. I know because my son is in one right now. There is a fee for him to be there. I think back to June’s miracle for him. Misdemeanors and not felonies. An act of God.

The next day I went to my spiritual journaling class and we reflected on the poem Everything Is Waiting For You. The Haitian and I were broken up as is our typical pattern. 

Put down the weight of your aloneness and ease into the conversation.

Neither of us are normal. Love, he was trying to teach me a whole new dimension to that word. The lesson felt heavy. Life felt heavy and she put her arms around me as I wept trying to put the weight down. Missing him is crushing. And she said take care of yourself right now because she felt my exhaustion. I told her the light was there way beneath the surface. Sadness cloaked my shoulders because he understood my energy.

As I was praying God said to go to Psalm 143. That was precisely everything I needed to pray.

Psaln 143:11 – ….In your goodness save me from my troubles.

Yesterday I drove to the beach. It was the only way to stop crying. I had to look at the sea to put problems in perspective. Do I miss the Haitian? Hell yeah! Did I misunderstand the message? Nope. I had to hear waves crashing while God asked me to stop weeping. I had to change the energy around me. I had to restore peace.

I’m learning to be open to the universe. I’ll reread The Alchemist because the Haitian is woven into the pages of that book. I’ll visualize and reimagine the future as I struggle through the present. And I will say it’s ok to miss him cause we’re water and he knows that. I’ll continue down my very strange spiritual path with crystals, yoga, nature and my bible. Never would’ve grouped these things together lol. I’m making my mom quite nervous. I’ll remember he said he’d protect my smile. I’ll rest in the knowledge that we are each other’s heart center. It’s always darkest before dawn. Je t’aime Jude  toujours.

Ebb and Flow

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Faith, Hope, Inspiration, mental health, Relationships, Spirituality

I know I’m somewhere in between faith and anxiety. Like the needle in a half full tank of gas. Trust and faith are definitely obstacles I’ve been trying to get beyond for quite a long time. As I was thinking about my struggle it occurred to me I link God to the actions of people. Someone hurts me I link it to God. Someone disappoints me I link it to God. I pondered why I was doing this, but couldn’t really determine the reason. I concluded that this was a behavior that needed to change since it wasn’t making much sense to me.

In May I had to break up with the Haitian. Loving someone doesn’t mean giving them permission to mistreat you. May was a very long month! Tons of anxiety. Tons of prayer. Days of crying. As I was fleeing to yoga class the day after the break up, one of those random license plate moments occurred. Gud4you pulled right in front of me. I couldn’t even believe it. I was like Jesus I’m down here about to lose it and you’ve got jokes today, not cool.

I was basically on autopilot for a month missing the Haitian. I am mindful when anxiety is in overdrive I can really be a handful to deal with for those around me. Thankfully I had people who were very patient with me.

There was one day where I got up and immediately layed on the floor crying. Wailing would be a better description. The ache of missing that person was unbearable. Remembering so many fun times was unbearable. So I just kept crying asking God why he gave me someone to take them away so quickly. See there’s that linking behavior of mine. So if you’ve never gotten on God’s nerves as I frequently do try to remain that way. I very clearly heard him first ask me why I was crying so much. Secondly he reminded me on April 1st that he warned me the Haitian would act crazy for about 60 days or so. Third, he said he hadn’t taken anything and to get off the floor and stop crying. Of course I managed to sit against the wall with more of a muffling whimper after hearing an exasperated tone of voice. All the while still trying to free myself from panic attacks.

God gave me psalm 143 and I prayed it every morning. He told me to write miracles would happen on my calendar for the month of June. I received four by the last day of June.

  • Haitian returns.
  • Son gets misdemeanors not felonies.
  • Haitian sees his son.
  • Unexpected financial blessing.

Matthew 21:22 – Believe you will receive everything you ask for in prayer.

We were doing awesome and I was cautiously happy. He hugged me one day and said, “Baby I’m doing the best I can.” I replied, “I know that’s why you give me anxiety.”

It’s July and our crazy cycle continues. We’re not speaking right now, but love flows. I can feel it. I had my chakras balanced for the first time a couple of days ago. Crazy equals low energy for me. After my session I was told everything would be ok. Indeed he promised me it would with teary eyes. So I pray for him and myself to get it right. He said the other day I stop, he stops, but the time around us keeps us moving forward together. May everything merge into divine harmony soon.

Crystals and reiki candles to keep my solar plexus and sacral chakras balanced.

I prayed John 15:7 this morning fully believing my last name will be Thermitus in 2017 just like we planned. He loves me especially different and I’m totally crazy about the guy who fries me octopus in swimming trunks.

Garments of Light

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, depression, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, mental health, Relationships, Spirituality, Yoga

Blogging requires a transparency that’s not for the faint of heart. My heart seems to need life support today.

I look at my son and see my little boy, but he’s actually a rebellious 20 year old. He’s got my smile, his dad’s eyes and was the most respectful kid growing up. He never gave me much trouble and then high school happened. Friends changed and so did my son. It’s been the hardest six years and I’m exhausted today.

I had a dream my son would go so far into darkness that there would be nothing I could do to save him. It’s pitch black now and pending criminal charges have rendered me helpless. I’ve had to cling to the promise that God said he would be watching over him for the last six years. I never imagined it would get this bad.

I tend to hold onto those I love. I will do anything to keep them from suffering even if it means harm to myself. I was driving home from work the other day and Jesus asked me why I kept trying to do his job and save everyone. I said I didn’t really know, but it was making me tired. Very tired and days were becoming filled with anxiety that I couldn’t shake. He simply said let them go. So I did.

The wound is the place where light enters you. ~Rumi
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My wonderful Haitain had set in his mind that no other woman would hurt him like the one he divorced. I dreamed water was uncontrollably flooding the room we were in and I couldn’t stop it. I looked at him in the dream and he had a whole through his navel. I awoke and told him something has deeply wounded your spirit and his eyes began to fill with tears, but he said nothing. I can’t pay for sins I did not commit so I let go. My son doesn’t want to change his associations so I let go. His associations could very well land him in jail. My youngest son watches my heart get broken by others and tries very much so to encourage me.

Today I thought about light. That I would choose light and not remain in the darkness flooding my life. I’m trying to get over the hurt of another break up that I don’t understand. I have God and yoga. I have the peace that passes all understanding and an infinite love. This to shall pass.
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God has chosen you and made you his holy people. He loves you. So you should always clothe yourselves with mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.  Bear with each other, and forgive each other. If someone does wrong to you, forgive that person because the Lord forgave you.  Even more than all this, clothe yourself in love. Love is what holds you all together in perfect unity. – Colossians 3:12-14

An Unorthodox God

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Hope, Inspiration, mindfulness, Relationships, Spirituality

Isaiah 55:8 -“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.”

I have not blogged here in quite awhile. So much has been happening in my life. Some amazingly great things and some things that take divine strength to keep going. Sometimes life’s balance of events can be very intetesting. Through everything I pray and do yoga.

I remembered that I stripped religion down to one word, love, because all that other BS just wasn’t working for me. I remembered feeling what God’s love for me felt like in a therapy session. I almost fainted as it got stronger and stronger. I have no words to describe this love. I don’t even know if as a human I can replicate it. I remembered my 2015 search for peace and finding that through my yoga practice.

Life got unconventional for me last year. I have rose quartz in my window and spend more time in headstands than in church, yet I feel closer to God than ever. Like many, probably millions, I had him in a box. I thought I knew what he would act like blah blah blah until my life was greatly impacted by the above scripture. I asked myself if I was crazy, but I feel sane.

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Date night

I sat for months waiting on God to fix an irreparable marriage. God sat for months waiting on me to pay attention to the women he kept placing in my path. He even sent one from Nigeria that I love dearly. I still kept waiting.

I would walk Bruno and just question out loud, Abba who is going to love me and this crazy puppy? I was to scared to begin a divorce process because the women in my family that have gotten divorced seem to end up alone for long periods of time. My mind reasoned it was better to hold onto a dead relationship than face that outcome.

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He has bonded with the pup pup.

But God.

Out of the clear blue meetup.com sky a Haitian appeared. Honestly I thought Satan had sent him lol. Life became to happy all of a sudden. I spent so much time in prayer and journaling because my brain couldn’t understand what was happening.

Soaking prayer is my go to activity for when I really want a clear answer from God. Things moved so fast with the Haitain that I was leary of entering a room full of prophets and intercessors. You don’t have to say anything for them to know your life activities lol.

It was a Saturday, and the preacher said, “You have already been healed from the broken relationship. You just needed to be strengthened. You put yourself in a bondage God never intended for you to be in and you’re being set free because someone else needs your gift of love.” That pretty much answered my questions about the guy I’m dating.

As we lay on the floor praying, Jesus took me to a grave. He placed the word marriage in it and buried it. I wept. I sobbed. I let go. He then took me to a river and baptized me over and over again saying we’d keep going until I was filled with hope. He said he had sent that man into my life to break the fall I needed to take so I would file for divorce. That he had had enough of watching me suffer and to go be happy.

What love is this? I don’t know. Almost six months later I’m still amazed. Happy has become exuberant. My 2015 search for the cultivation of peace in my life was an answer to his prayer. He had been searching for a place where he felt peace. I thought I was cultivating something for myself last year.

If I could say anything right now, it would be have no expectations of how God will accomplish things in your life and live without limits. Sometimes it’s going to be so damn hard. Other times it’s going to be so amazing your daily mantra will have to be to not be afraid of happiness. Life is a journey. Travel well.

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If I Had Wishes For Falling Stars

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Relationships, Spirituality, Yoga

Jude 1:2 – Mercy, peace and love be yours in abundance.

I am the color of peanut butter. Native, African and European collided to make me. Sometimes I feel as if I don’t belong to any particular people group. White doesn’t claim me. Black says I’m not black enough. Native doesn’t know me and refuses to historically accept me and those like me in some tribes. What is my identity?

My husband very proudly declares he is African. He is in love with his blackness. He looks at me and shrugs lol. He along with everyone else in my family thinks I’m not black enough. If one more person asks if we’re having black food for Thanksgiving we will be in a drive through! Is it too much to ask that my gourmet palette be indulged for one day?

My life experience has been very different. Black girls hated me growing up and I could never understand why. I just wanted friends. The white girls took me in and were my best friends. They taught me about shaving legs and wearing eyeliner in elementary school. My mother hit the roof. Her black child was not supposed to do those things! I snuck and did both and my sister made sure to sing like a canary. I belonged to a group so I didn’t care and I very proudly lifted up my aqua net bangs with my friends. She messed up my census paperwork anyways. I was supposed to be an other lol.

Middle and high school were different. Leaving West Virginia for Northern Virginia was culture shock indeed. There was such diversity! It was awesome! I am the color of peanut butter and I sounded like a country hick/redneck. Black kids demanded I be quiet or go back to wherever there were people with my accent. My sister tried to work with me for days. I will never know how she mastered the accent of the hood that we’d never been to. Exasperated she gave up and begged me to say I was adopted. No one wanted me to answer the phone, it confused whoever was calling. I sang John Denver’s Country Roads every single day. Ahh sweet childhood memories. Luckily the asian, white and hispanic kids were ready to befriend me. I was in honors, you only needed to be intelligent. I also landed two black friends.
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So this is the back story to what exactly? A grand jury verdict I suppose. I don’t know how to feel due to my life experience. Should I be enraged, mournful or anxious? I keep asking my husband if perhaps we should try Canada? He’s enraged. I’m thoughtful. Last night we were watching his black history DVDs followed by a sermon in a black church by a black man. “Kathryn you hear that,” he asks. I reply yes. I want to understand a black man’s experience in America, but is that even possible?

Five days a week I am surrounded by black children because I work in public housing. My sons are black teenagers. At times I am concerned about their existence in this country.

I asked God to show me something after my yoga class on Sunday and we made a few stops, but this verse in Jude stuck with me. It is the focus of my yoga practice. Yoga has no color. I belong to a people group again. The instagram yoga community is amazing! I find more of myself with each pose. I do headstand when I am overwhelmed. I call it changing my perspective. I have been balanced on my head quite a lot for months. My husband thinks I’m crazy, but last night he was balanced on his head as well. He keeps asking me why I spend so much time on my head and in yoga poses. I always give the same response. “I’m looking for Jesus. We meet on my yoga mat.” I then listen to very long speeches on mixing religions. He doesn’t realize I left religion for relationship a long time ago. People do evil things behind religion. I just want to emulate the heart of God.

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So if I had wishes for falling stars. I would wish all human life mattered not it’s origin. I would wish that none of the public housing children would fall into doomed generational statistics. That children sold into sex trafficking would be set free and their souls healed. That child soldiers would lay down weapons for toys. That young girls would not have to be mutilated or become child brides. That diversity would be appreciated. That the heart of yoga would flow through more people. That my son would pull his damn pants up! That I would be accepted for myself because peanut butter is freaking awesome! Above all I pray that mercy, peace and love be your covering.
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Namaste.

And Then There Was Light

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, mental health, Relationships, Spirituality, Uncategorized

Colossians 4:2 – Continue praying, keeping alert and always thanking God.

I have been absent from the blogosphere because of so many changes happening so quickly in my life. It’s been truly amazing and I am so grateful for small miracles.

I just experienced one of the darkest years of my life, but I managed to find peace in the midst of so much turmoil. I did this through prayer, worship, exercise and yoga. For 13 months I only had two goals. Survive the turmoil by taking one day at a time and allow God to develop my character.

It wasn’t easy! Have you ever had one of those days where you feel crushed by problems and it throws you into depression and/or anxiety? Last week I had serious financial problems. A year ago I would have completely shut down from not having enough money. Today I acknowledged there was a problem, prayed and waited for God to provide the solution. Everything fell into place just in time. My husband looked at me and said, “Do you ever think about how God has perfect timing?” I laughed because about a minute earlier I had said a prayer of thanks for the very thing he was questioning me on.

I have started practicing yoga headstands when I feel myself getting anxious. I call it changing my perspective. There’s just something about being upside down. It allows me to visualize all the worries or problems falling from my mind while meditating on biblical promises. Quirky remedy, but it works for me and I have much stronger abs lol.

I never imagined I would be in a mental space of contentment. I had to release the need to control everything and everyone. Any drama being brought into my life by others was classified as optional. When pursuing peace it is not possible to live in chaos caused by drama. I had to choose the healthiest option for my own mind and spirit.

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Integrating into the Instagram yoga and exercise community has been amazing. I have so much encouragement from total strangers. I love the yogis who post insightful quotes with their pictures. Love and release of expectations are at the center of my practice. I do not have to be the overachiever driven by an insane need for success. Not to say I haven’t been like I can do that and tried some pose knowing better. I have. I’m a work in progress. When this happens I just remind myself I am not in competition with anyone. This is my journey and it’s ok to be happy with where I am in that moment. I am grateful for this paradigm shift in my thinking, it didn’t come easily.

I am grateful that I have stripped my Christian walk all the way down to the basics through prayer. Love is as basic as it gets. If people practiced the act of giving love more we would live in a better environment.

I sat one day and read some of the prayers I had written in my journal over the last year. I noticed there was so much need, but an overall lack of gratitude in the beginning for what I had. I have learned to be thankful for every small blessing. It’s amazing at what hikes and yoga mats will show you.

My home is happy and consolidated now. The husband returned with a puppy that I absolutely love. I have found a comfortable place to be in as a wife. I did not have this before. We are working together instead of separately. I made it through a very tough time with my oldest son. No parent ever wants to see their child at the mercy of a court of law. I prayed through asana after asana. I dedicated hours of yoga practice towards the reconciliation of my family. Everything is not perfect, but God finally spoke to my storm and said let there be light.

I learned to dance in the rain with a grateful heart. Heart openers are some of my favorite poses. You can’t receive anything if your heart is closed. For better or worse were the words I spoke almost nine years ago. So glad that the worse seems to finally be behind me.

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Overcoming Fear

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, mental health, Relationships, Separation

I became acquainted with fear as a child observing my mother and other family members.  I observed that because they were afraid of doing most anything our family tended to have the same outcomes.  This observation greatly shaped the adult I would become.

I would acquire an extreme fear of committment.  If I could redo about two decades of relationships I would.  Bad choices left layers of pain.  As a youth, I developed the idea that marriage was evil.  I saw nothing good in it.  Marriage created siblings that meant extra responsibilities.  More work for my mother.  Arguments over adult issues and the list goes on and on.  I decided by the time I became a teen that I would never get married.  I would at most have a live in boyfriend with a backup just in case.

I carried all of these fears into my marriage and oh the devastation it caused.  I didn’t even notice what was happening.  I remember one day being in the kitchen and I just began to cry. “God why did you place these three people under my care?  I’m such a failure.  I never wanted a family and you totally rearranged my life!  Look at the mess I’ve created.”  I received the most gentle reply as I walked to the table and opened the bible.  I had never seen the scripture before, but I had to go sit down after reading Psalm 68:6.

My tears of frustration turned into tears of gratitude.  He had connected two of the most lonely people, my husband and myself, across an ocean.  My husband had said prayer for a family far away from Nigeria.  On my end I had a five-year old telling me his house was supposed to have a daddy that lived there with us.  My youngest son is a handful!  My husband found my match.com profile.  I can only laugh at how all of this happened.  You live long enough to be able to recognize divine intervention when it happens because you go around in a daze asking if what occurred really happened the way it did.

As I sat on the couch, I realized that God had blessed me with children and a husband so that I would know what unconditional love felt like and all I did was complain about it.  Months ago in a soaking worship service I had a vision of myself as a child.  I was in a pit in a white dress turning in circles.  I was searching for someone to love me, but no one ever came.  Although I was in this pit, there was the brightest light all around me and the most beautiful lawn.  God whispered to me, “You will never have to search for love like that again.”  Have you ever been totally wrecked with gratitude?  I needed so many kleenex that evening.  It was an epic day for healing a very deep hurt that I had carried for decades.  I hurt my family because I was broken and hurting.  I have sense learned you should enter into marriage a whole person.  My husband and I had no pre-marital counseling, but lots of issues that should have been discussed.

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Darling I Am Here For You

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Marriage, Relationships, Separation, Uncategorized

If you love someone be present.

Darling I am here for you. I am here exposed as naked as I can be in a brightness like a surgeon’s light in an operating room. Will you cut me open and discover what lies beneath my surface? I am here even when I don’t want to be. I am present. No longer hiding behind locked doors or barricaded in between walls. I am present. I proudly raise my hand like a kindergartner when you call my name and acknowledge I am here with you.

Whether it be familiar or unknown. Light or dark. I am here with you to express and discover love as it changes and takes on new forms. It’s meaning may change with seasons, but I will always be present in the words I do. I will accept challenges. I will pursue peace with all my might. I will love and be loved because it is my divine right to do so. I am now. Not future or past. Not unforgiving or anxious. Just now. I am a gentle touch, a reassuring word, a prayer warrior.

I am part of a family no matter its challenges. My identity is weaved amidst each member. My security and assurances recorded in ancient text in chapters and verses. I am present to be in my role acknowledging that I have purpose. Accepting my responsibilities. I am present to participate. I am present to live.

I feel love at my fingertips. In my heart. At the brush of your lips in happier times. Love’s energy flows through each step that connects with earth. Love is captured in each photographed memory. Close your eyes and remember its sound. Darling I am here for you. I am here exposed as naked as I can be.