Tag: marriage

The Adverse Effect of Neglect

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Marriage, Relationships, Separation, Uncategorized

About a month ago my therapist gave me homework to complete with my husband since we had no pre-marital counseling. I walked out of my appointment that day feeling a bit hopeless and afraid. I didn’t know how I was going to bring this core values list back to my next session. As luck would have it, I had to cancel my appointment. I was relieved! It has yet to be rescheduled.

A week ago, my husband called and asked me what I thought we could do differently. This was my chance to get this task done and I took it. We sat at the kitchen table and I wrote down our lists. We decided that night he would move back. I should have been doing some sort of celebratory actvity, but I couldn’t. The more I reflected on the lists, the more I realized I would be living the same neglected life I had before. His list only included his individual needs. My list had individual and couple items.

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I feel like a misunderstood mime at times. I send important thoughts through emails because of this. I have had to learn how to effectively communicate, but often feel like he manipulates my words to his benefit. This is a very empty state of being. I came up with a metaphor comparing myself to an ATM machine. If there are no deposits made, you can’t withdraw anything. I am in desperate need of deposits, but that is not on his values list. I asked for the husband to spend more quality time with the wife. Of the examples I gave, he hesitantly agreed to do one possibly two. Date night to him equals watching a movie rental every Friday.

So I sent another email saying I want a husband that does x y z. As I was typing it I realized he is not that husband. While I desired to be a better wife over these months, he doesn’t appear to match that with his efforts. This account balance is negative and the machine has seized his card. It’s amazing the support I have found through others, but I truly want that to come from who I married. I don’t know much about his father, but it sounds like he spent very little quality time with his family.

I have found my voice and communication skills, as well as more of myself. I know I don’t want to be a neglected, invisible wife. What happens from here I’m not sure. I’m like a turtle who is constantly forced to retreat to the safety of its shell.

I do know this, in my faith the husband is supposed to love the wife as Christ loved the church. Love does not neglect or manipulate. Selfishness does. Marriages should be more about selflessness I have learned. When your partner, spouse or whatever expresses a great need do not leave a void. There is a danger in letting someone else make that person feel appreciated and valued.

So here I am in the safety of the shell. There’s just one problem, my greatest desire is to be out in the light experiencing the true benefits of a selfless kinda love.

The Mighty Mouse Moment

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Marriage, Relationships, Uncategorized

Last Saturday was just like any other until my husband called on his way back from work. He had gotten a flat tire on the highway and asked if I’d come and get him. I was almost passed out from a HIIT workout I had just completed, but I answered yes right away. No time for showers or catching breath! He had called me and I was super excited.

Here I come to save the day!

I’m flying down 95 South like I drive for Nascar weaving through cars driving at a turtle’s pace. Ok, maybe they were doing the speed limit, but I had an emergency. I see my husband on the side of the road and I join him with absolutely no plan. I do not know how to change flat tires, but being there for support counts right? Lol! Luckily, he had a plan and an emergency roadside kit in his car. I do not have such kit and became a bit concerned about my lack of preparedness. We managed to get to a tire repair shop and all was well. I could tell it mattered to him that I dropped everything to make his situation my priority. I was beyond happy. I had not too long ago read a verse that said if your brother has need do not send them away if you are able to help. I made a mental note of that verse and hoped I’d get an opportunity to do something for my husband.

On Sunday I came home from church and his car was in the driveway. It was like a small miracle. He and my son were doing something I needed help with. He didn’t stay long and we looked like orphans as we watched him drive off. A few minutes later I got a text with an apology for the short stay and that he was thinking of coming back. I replied that I wanted him to come back of course with a thankful heart.

One small act of kindness has made a small shift in the dynamics of my marriage. I am so happy I have learned that your spouse needs to be your priority no matter how small or great their need is. I am making the decision to do my best to be there for my husband even if it involves things like flat tires.

I’ve reflected so many times on the possibility of losing my best friend. Even at the bleakest times I tried to find some shred of hope to hang on to. What could possibly top the love I flew to another continent alone to find. Pretty much nothing. It’s been a really good week and I’ll make every effort to keep us moving in this direction. You should never let valuable relationships slip away when they are worth saving.

Learning to Walk on Water

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Marriage, Relationships, Uncategorized

2012 was an epic year for stress both personally and professionally. When you have no peace you become this monster of sorts. It got to the point where I didn’t recognize or like myself. I was so angry and frustrated all the time. I would come home and my family would be locked behind bedroom doors. My husband met me at the door one day and said I was like a piece of wood that had been soaked in gasoline and he never knew what would set me off. The weight and force of those words landed a powerful punch. I carried it for days. I am not one of the thousands of minorities that would tell you to go to hell for suggesting therapy so I made an appointment.

Fast forward to 2014. My husband has nailed me to particular places or arguments and is still holding me hostage. I used my imagination to erect walls and free myself from my clothing and walked away naked. I can’t continually live in those times and spaces. We were in a relationship that was a death sentence with weapons pointed at each other. Type A’s always keep a finger on the trigger, especially if you have deep wounds from others like me. You need to understand that what you’re demanding of the other person in a relationship you must also give. Your perception of how great a spouse you are doesn’t matter if that is not the other person’s reality.

I recently heard a NPR story on the havoc malaria was causing in Nigeria. Why? The reporter began to go into the daily lives of women in that country. She was the farmer, sold at the market, took care of the family, etc. As the reporter kept talking I was thinking to myself where the hell was her support? If a child came down with malaria everything came to a screeching halt because she then had to go take care of the child for two weeks. No farming, no selling, no income. My reality was burdens that were breaking my spinal cord, but his perception was a totally different picture.

I looked at that space where rusty nails drenched by tears were holding my clothes hostage and I ran to Jesus. He said to come learn to walk on water. I love oceans and mountains. They are peaceful places so I accepted his invitation.

I confessed like I was raised a devout catholic hurt after hurt. I can’t trust anyone. No one takes care of me but me. I give more than I ever receive. This shattered my self-esteem and I’m just a broken mess trying to exist in a broken family. So on and so on.

Hillsong United released a song called Oceans recently that I absolutely love. It took me back to basics. Is it more important to remain a Type A dictator and destroy everyone to climb some corporate ladder? Corporate ladders do not come with guarantees no matter how hard you work. All your hard work makes the top layer of the organization appear more successful or competent while you may be invisible. You increase your productivity beyond a safe zone because Type A’s thrive on stress and chaos. They can quickly come up with plans and solutions to fix everything. Not only that, I discovered my dreams have changed. I had to consider why I was giving all my energy to my job. My life was not balanced and I no longer need an executive seat. I examined a Type B personality and I said to myself it’s time for a transition. As dysfunctional as the setting was, I enjoyed being part of my family.

I’ve traveled a great distance on the sea. I’ve shed almost 50 pounds because water travel on foot requires focus on the one who can do miracles. I never thought much about myself being a miracle, but I feel like God sounded some ultrasonic call to me with an offer I couldn’t refuse. A chance to be made whole. The damaged pieces of me are being sunk to the bottom of the sea with each step. I am gaining divine trust and peace in my transition. The end of this trek will be called joy, something I’ve never known. I love being able to follow others on social media who have traveled to my destination for different reasons. Their photos and stories provide daily inspiration.

Life is far from perfect and I do get tired of fighting to now save instead of destroy my family all alone. That’s when I lay on the back of an eagle and soar high above the storm clouds that have blocked the warmth of the sun for far too long.

Make Me Feel Beautiful

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Marriage, Relationships, Uncategorized

He asked had anyone told me I was beautiful on that day.
I replied no as my mind tried to recall the last time I had heard the word in reference to me.
He said, “Well let me be the one to remind you, you’re beautiful.”
A smile instantly appeared on my face
Replacing so many frowns and creased brows.
He makes me feel beautiful.
He holds doors and pulls out chairs for me
And I feel special
I feel like a lady.
He finds my mind intriguing and wants to memorize the vessels in the chambers of my heart,
But it’s on life support now.
I say I have nothing to offer but brokenness
He says you’re beautiful.
I think he’s insane,
But I just want to feel beautiful.
I want to know what it feels like for a man to know my worth.
I want to be dependent on appreciation, love and arms to hold me.
I miss being held and being asked to make love.
I remember what it’s like to make love
It makes me feel beautiful.
Secretly I’m a hopeless romantic.
I want to fall into the fairytale in my imagination and never leave
Prince Charming doesn’t have to be perfect just willing
Willing to wake me with kisses and pull me into a space reserved only for me
Willing to take long walks holding my hand
Willing to take risks and try new things so life never gets boring
Willing to love me as I solve the broken puzzle pieces of myself.
With tears staining my cheeks my eyes say
Make me feel beautiful
Remind me that I am priceless
Say there is only one Kathryn and
Let me rest in an embrace just for awhile.
Its been a long December,
Just let me rest here in an embrace just for awhile.

The 2014 Climb

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Marriage, Relationships

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A friend posted this morning that 2013 has been a year of ups and downs and he was caught somewhere between dirt and sky. I love this statement! It’s exactly how I feel.

My professional life is ending on a great note this year. I have grown as a manager, I have two great staff and at a turtle’s pace we are beginning to make a difference in the public housing communities in which I work. What I have most loved about work this year is having gained the ability to trust my staff and losing the need to control every aspect of my work. It took some time, but I made it!

My personal life flipped over several times, crashed into a tree and went off the cliff. It’s been rough. Separation is no fun, but I’m growing as a person during this trial. My prayer life has grown tremendously because God left me no other choice. Lol. He was kind enough to warn me what was coming, but it didn’t lessen the impact of the hurt that brought me to my knees. I lost my husband, best friend, lover and more. You can make the list as long as you want, everything was all rolled up into that one person. That is unhealthy behavior and quite frankly idolatry. I put too much pressure on him to be everything. It constantly made me feel disappointed and I’m sure made him feel like a failure.

God always has a plan though and if you let him correct your mistakes he will. I knew that us being apart was the only way to potentially save us. I just didn’t know how I would survive it. I felt like I was thrown from a trapeze into a free fall not knowing when I would hit bottom. In the process of this I just began to ask God what he wanted to get out of me so it could all be over. I wasn’t angry or ready to turn my back on him because of the pain. I was running as fast as I could to the shelter of his arms. I found the strength to take the force of the impact and any ripple effects there.

He said he wanted my full attention, to quit worrying about my husband. He said he wanted me to invite him in and relinquish control and that once I did I would no longer be allowed to do anything but let him work. I got no sleep that evening. Anxiety kept me up all night. The trinity had lost their minds, lol. I was under the impression that I have been controlling everything since I was a child. I was so wrong of course! So this very important relationship was on the line and I said ok God I invite you in and I won’t do anything. Well that didn’t last, but a few hours. I called my friend in distress cause my anxiety levels were doing nothing but increasing. She tried to be nice, but she let me have it. It basically came down to get yourself together, repent and follow instructions. So I did. It’s months later and I’ve managed to obey.

My complete focus wasn’t on God though it was still on my husband until about a week ago. He made me so angry that I just said Lord that’s it. This is exhausting. I heard a chuckle and then God said, “I see my son has finally made you mad enough to focus on me. Are you ready?” With clenched fists I said yes and he replied great let’s do this. He was referring to healing all the broken pieces of my heart, so for the last week I’ve been praying and purging. He told me to make a picture of what I was leaving behind and what I was envisioning for 2014. He said I was to call it the 2014 climb. I made the picture and as I count down the hours to the new year, I have mentally gathered all my hiking gear. I know this will be the hardest climb yet, but I know he will be with me every step of the way. I can’t wait to see the view from the top.

I pray someone finds hope in my words. I always ask him what to write. Happy New Year!

To Bike or Not

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Marriage, Relationships

It’s been a week of tears. It seems I have many reasons to be sad, yet I persevere. The one I love is minutes from me physically, but infinitely far emotionally. Joel Osteen had a podcast about choosing the types of memories you dwell on this week. You have good and bad memories, each affecting the brain in different ways.

I’ll think on memories that make me smile.

There were many moments in my marriage where I pondered if we’d be a reality show success. We were comical! I am as stubborn as a mule and used to getting my way. He is an arrogant african that struggled with traditional role reversal. We argued over nonsense most of the time.

Hubby’s first job was at Walmart. I so admire his work ethic. I am married to a tech genius who has not been able to work in his field since his arrival. His dreams of owning a business inspired me. Reality was just not catching the vision.

I was late picking him up one evening. I don’t even remember why. He was furious. So furious that he had bought a bike to ride about twelve miles home. Lol! I wonder how long that would’ve taken.

When I arrived at the Walmart he was sitting outside with the bike sulking. I hope I apologized, but that’s a toss up given my personality then. He began to ride the bike to the main road and I’m following him in the car with the hazard lights flashing. I am driving at a snail’s pace yelling at him to get in the car and he just keeps on pedaling occasionally yelling back. I was on the phone with my sister who was laughing so hard she couldn’t breathe. It’s close to midnight and we’re acting like two lunatics.

The road began to have an incline. He was struggling, but he was determined not to lose the argument. I tried logic. We were in Chesterfield and had to stop the madness before the cops noticed. Logic didn’t work so I went back to yelling out the window. Sure enough the police pulled us over. He seemed unsure of how to begin questioning us. I after all was following a man on a bike. “Is everything ok,” he asked. I looked at Godwin who was looking at me. You know that youthful I told you so song, it was killing me not to be able to sing it. I replied by telling it all. “Officer I’m trying to get my husband to get in the car so we can go home, but he refuses.” I wonder what his thoughts about us were as he looked from me to Godwin.

Finally Godwin had to yield to circumstances and get in the car. We returned the bike and went home like somewhat normal people.

In those days anger didn’t linger for weeks or months. It was short-term because I married a peacekeeper. I miss those days. I miss arguments over stupid things that can’t destroy marriages. I’m choosing only to remember what makes me laugh right now because it lessens the burdens of my heart. I can close my eyes and travel back to this moment as I doze off smiling.

May every person who is blessed to be with their spouse this holiday throw their heads back and laugh from their souls!

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Sometimes Your Most Painful Loss Can Be Your Greatest Gain

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Uncategorized

I created this blog to share my funny stories about being married to a foreigner. I thought it would be fun to blog the craziness, but shortly after my first post the bottom dropped out of my marriage, heart and soul. I’ve been wondering what to do with this blog. What can one do, but go with the plot twist.

Separation ranks at the top of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. Thank God for a therapist! My first question to my therapist was if I could be selfish. If I could only take care of me, because I didn’t have the energy to do anything else. Not even take care of my kids at the usual level. Thankfully he said yes and we’ve been working on me every two weeks. Pulling up wounds from the roots is hard work, but I’m expecting a beautiful garden in the spring.

I remember when the teetering started in February. I slumped down a wall and told God it would kill me to have to watch him walk out the door and I wept. I still weep. I took the easiest route by packing a suitcase and leaving before I had to watch that scene. A person’s missing presence in a home will make you find strength that you didn’t know existed.

I’m thankful for prayers and Jesus. I know what it’s like to have him wipe every tear just like the song says. Marriage is hard, especially when there are cultural behaviors you don’t understand and neither party had great examples to reference.

I came to realize how much I neglected myself in all this. Every day is not sunshine. Some days are extremely difficult. You know there will be no one to ask how your day went or put their arms around you on a winter night. Occasionally the pain in your heart becomes so great you need someone to share its weight.

I found a promise to cling to during this season of my life. Psalm 71:21-22 says, “You have allowed me to suffer much hardship, but you will restore me to life again and lift me up from the depths of the earth. You will restore me to even greater honor and comfort me once again.”

I now find it amusing that I use to live on multi-year plans. You can’t edit out a tremendous heartbreak, but you can choose to live and let broken pieces heal. You can search for root causes like I am doing, so that you do not carry junk into the next relationship. You can choose to hope in the midst of desolation. You can choose to let the light and warmth of love flood your heart again because it feels so very good.

Choices are intentional. Make good ones.

It all started when….

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Uncategorized
We did it!
We did it!

It was a few days before Valentine’s Day 2006 and I was on a plane from Richmond, Virginia flying to Lagos Nigeria to get married. My match.com experience had turned into something unexpected. I was marrying a foreigner. A foreigner that was very, did I mention very far away.

I’m the adventurous one in my family. The risk taker. Everyone else, with the exception of my sister, marches to the beat of normalcy. I was the first to try online dating. The decision came when my first grader took the remote from me as I was watching My Wife and Kids and demanded to know why his family did not have a daddy that lived in the house. How do you answer that type of question from an underage midget?! Needless to say I was speechless. I was given my orders to find a “live-in” daddy that evening. I went to bed wondering where on earth I was going to find a date not to mention a husband! There was an implied “mom hurry up with this request” undertone in my son’s voice.

The whole match idea was about as out of the box as I could go. It was literally a part-time job. I browsed profiles daily! I like the fact that America is a melting pot with lots of samples. I kinda knew I’d end up with a foreigner, other cultures just fascinate me.

Godwin literally popped up on my computer screen one day. The irony was I had stumbled across some African dating sites and had been browsing profiles and Godwin had seen my match.com profile. We began chatting for hours every day. Days turned to weeks and then months. I had found the one person on the planet I could share anything with. I could just be me and he was ok with it. This was the most liberating experience I had had in my entire life. I never expected to love him, but I fell hard and fast like a derailed train gaining momentum.

I remember arriving in Nigeria and seeing a sea of black faces. I just stood there with my mouth open looking every direction. What I had done hit me like a ton of bricks. I had flown across an ocean alone, my cell phone no longer worked and I was searching for a black needle in an all black haystack! Panic overtook me and I was just about to lose it when he saw me first and came up to me with a smile. This was really happening! The webcam companion was standing in front of me. My eyes had to adjust to all the blackness around me, but oh was it beautiful. My first words to him were, “Damn babe you sure are crispy, but I’m here now so let’s go.”

I got cold feet the day of the wedding while awaiting our turn at the justice of the peace. I was ready to have a Runaway Bride moment, but Godwin pressed his forehead to mine and I melted into him. We were fingerprinted, given docs and gave the officials something to talk about with that wedding kiss of ours. LOL! We celebrated with cake that had the texture of a brick and didn’t taste much better. We missed our flight back to Lagos and had and eight hour adventure.

It’s been 7 1/2 years filled with hills and valleys. I still find him intriguing. I like waking up with him beside me. I find beauty in the contrast of our skin tones when my limbs cross his. I know he will wash my car every Sunday and fix anything broken in the house. I still want to be his wife and I pray for many more years to come.