Tag: #memoir

Home (Memoir)

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Relationships, Spirituality, Uncategorized

Where do you find home when you’ve searched most of your life for belonging? I have not found home in square or rectangular structures built by men with plans. I have found home in being a cypress tree in my dreams. Tall and strong with roots anchored deep into Mother Earth and branches growing towards the bluest sky.

Go home America says if you’re black, brown or any color other than white. My body traveled to the mother land, Nigeria to be exact. I walked out of the Lagos airport and saw the same shade of black among so many people. It was as if I was sifting the darkest coffee roast with my eyes instead of my hands. I wondered how I would find the man I flew thousands of miles to marry with no hue variation in people. Panic, awe and intrigue went through me all at the same time. Panic finally said, “Crazy girl you’ve done it now! Your ass did not think about everyone being Black and your phone not working across the Atlantic. What if his ass doesn’t show up to marry you?” I then looked up from my phone to see him walking towards me smiling. I breathed a sigh of relief. I saw blackness everywhere amongst strange foods and bright, patterned fabrics. We tried to find home in each other. We tried to forget we were running from the hurt of others as we exchanged vows and rode motorcycles. I tried to wash the heat of the land off me multiple times daily but had not packed enough clothes for so many showers. Perhaps that’s why the television shows I remember about Africa had half-naked people with painted faces. I would rather have been naked with tribal face paint standing in the ocean with blue green waves crashing around me.

We lived in my American house, but like I said, I never found home in structures created by men. When he left, I found home in an esoteric pull to mystic things. I was not scared because I’ve had the gift of sight into the supernatural since I was a child. Ancestors, spirit guides and spirit animals greeted and welcomed me home to my authentic self. My mother watched this journey and remembered my baptism as a baby in the spiritualist church. I always laugh as she tells me I was aunt Helen’s child as she stood at the altar with Reverend Hester. My mother sat in the back frozen with fear as objects began to float in air during the baptism. My mom is afraid of everything and we call her chicken little. I am awaiting the right time to visit the spiritualist people. My intuition tells me I know how to do their magic. Their founder shared my birthday and loved the woods like me. Reading his biography with my aunt was eerie.

I have a favorite meditation, come home to your authentic self. I think I find home in the evolution of me. My vertebrae merge African and Native American spiritual practices in my body. I left churches for bodies of water and campfires. I know the Cherokee heart song and have been jolted once by some electric force during a shamanic journey. African shamans are initiated by lightning strikes. My shaman says, “Kathryn you have the mojo you don’t need me.” I think she’s the training wheels to my current bicycle ride.

Home is healing with emerald energy placed at heart center. It’s waking up to Mexican curls on the pillow beside me and the sound of Telemundo echoing through the house. It’s Home Depot runs on Sunday because the Mexican is the one that builds structures I never found home in. Although when I go into the basement he renovated I turn in circles thinking to myself this is now home. I wonder about us. I haven’t told him his spirit leaves his body and tells me how much he loves me. He is afraid of this love. I wonder about us, soulmates with the 222 energy circling us. I watch him in the garden through windows. Keep the faith Kat and come home to your authentic self. Whoever she may be I’m sure she’ll be strangely magnificent.

Page of Cups

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Uncategorized

I can’t remember the time of day two years ago he asked me if I could have kids. I looked at him and said yes and that was pretty much the decision to start trying. For me it would be starting all over again. For him it would be his first. It was important for me to give him this gift, it was a component of my highest destiny.

For two years we tried and the energy between us got so crazy in 2020 that I don’t know how we survived, but we did. My shaman cleared a lot of karmic energy from past lifetimes that was causing craziness in this lifetime. We were both tired of clearing energy and asked if the highest destiny was worth the price I was paying. I was sowing in tears hoping to reap a harvest. I held on a little longer, but the craziness continued and I let him know that there would be no baby with me until he was ready.

My sister dreamed first of her little Mexican niece. She called me so excited. “I can see her! Oh she’s so beautiful! When are y’all going to give me my baby?” “We’re trying,” I’d say. My sister is in denial about our shared spiritual gifts since my exit from the church lol. I was the next to see her in a dream. She’s quite beautiful and I became exicted and exasperated at the same time. Page of cups energy kept surfacing in my tarot readings about my relationship.

You two are going to have a child. This child is really trying to come here, she’s waiting on the right time. She’s not coming into craziness. Does she know who she chose for her parents lol? Page of cups is driving the spread….

In August I gave up the hope of having a daughter and decided travel it would be. Project Mexican baby had simply taken too long and we had chose to spoil the dog even more than he already was. I gave up a lot of things in August that had consumed me for months in worry. We both felt the shift of me being pulled in another direction, one that had my full attention. I was laughing and happy all the time from the energy of making my first short film. I had not been that way in a long time. Blunt conversations were had and the alarm sounded as I realized that perhaps I just might have had enough of trying.

You don’t realize what you have until it’s almost gone. Get it together sir, I tried to tell you I’m every woman. Soy bruja y mujer juntos. Soy especial. I’m the soul mate holding up the mirror so your reflection evolves, you do the same for me.

On the fifth day of the fifth week, my doctor called and said Ms. Thompson you’re pregnant. Five is the number of major changes coming. I was at Baker’s Crust eating a chicken sandwich and fries. “Sorry, what did you say,” I asked. “Ms. Thompson you’re pregnant.” I had drank a whole bottle of wine before as I was certain menopause had come for my ass years too early, so this news was surprising. I had been trying to think of a way to tell him no es possible ahora. Now I was calling saying we’re having a baby. His reaction was flat because he thought I was lying. I hate liars and he knows this lol. He sent his daily lunch text asking me how things were going. I asked him if he had gone crazy that day since he was clearly ignoring my big announcement. When he realized this was really happening I got the happy emoji and everyone was excited.

View of the lake during my hike

On the sixth day of the sixth week, I started spotting. Six is the number for balance. All the energy around me was out of balance and I had been going through a very stressful work event. On Tuesday night I went to the ER and turned back around when I saw how many people were waiting. I was not risking covid. The next morning I had an ultrasound and baby was there. I left the doctors and my spirit whispered life is leaving your body. I tried to be still. I promised everyone I would. I worked from the bed. The bleeding got worse daily. By 11:30 Saturday morning there was no baby and I could not reply to the daily lunch text. I didn’t want to carry the heaviness of losing his first child.

He’s been amazing. We don’t know where this new guy came from, but we like him much better. On Sunday I hiked 5.5 miles to keep from crying all day. I don’t recommend doing this. You’ll always find me by the water during stressful times. My friend dreamed of my daughter. It seems my great grandmother is trying to help her enter this realm. I will not worry any more. Today the emperor and empress joined the page of cups, it’s driving the spread.

Home

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Inspiration, Relationships, Spirituality, Uncategorized

Where do you find home when you’ve searched most of your life for belonging?  I have not found home in square or rectangular structures built by men with plans.  I have found home in being a cypress tree in my dreams.  Tall and strong with roots anchored deep into mother earth and branches growing toward the bluest sky.   

Go home America says if you’re black or brown or any color for that matter.  My body traveled to the mother land, Nigeria to be exact.  I walked out of the Lagos airport and saw the same shade of black among so many people.  It was as if I was sifting the darkest coffee roast with my eyes instead of my hands.  I wondered how I would find the man I flew thousands of miles to marry with no hue variation in people.  Panic, awe and intrigue went through me all at the same time.  Panic finally said, “Crazy girl you’ve done it now.  Your ass did not think about everyone being black and your phone not working across the Atlantic.  What if his ass doesn’t show up to marry you?”  I looked up from my phone to see him walking towards me smiling.  I breathed a sigh of relief and said, “Damn you’re crispy and I’m here now.” 

I saw blackness everywhere amongst strange foods and bright, patterned fabrics.  We tried to find home in each other.  We tried to forget we were running from the hurt of others as we took vows and rode motorcycles.  I tried to wash the heat of this land off me multiple times daily but had not packed enough clothes for so many showers.  Perhaps that is why the television shows I remember about Africa had half naked people with painted faces.  I would rather have been naked with white tribal paint on my face standing in the ocean with green waves crashing around me.  We lived in my American house, but like I said I never found home in structures created by men.   

When you left, I found home in an esoteric pull to mystic things.  I was not scared because I’ve had the gift of sight into the supernatural since I was a child.  Ancestors, spirit guides and spirit animals greeted me and welcomed me home to my true self.  My mother watches this journey and remembers my baptism as a baby in the spiritualist church.  I laugh each time she tells me I was Aunt Helen’s child as she stood at the altar with Reverend Hester.  My mother sat in the back frozen with fear as objects began to float in air during the baptism. My mom is afraid of everything and we call her Chicken Little.  I am awaiting the right time to visit the spiritualist people.  My intuition tells me I know how to do their magic.  Their founder shared my birthday and love of woods like me.  Reading his biography with my aunt was eerie. 

I have a favorite meditation, come home to your authentic self.  I think I find home in the evolution of me.  My spinal vertebrae merge African and Native American spiritual practices in my body.  I left churches for bodies of water and campfires.  I know the Cherokee heart song and have been jolted once by some electric force during a shamanic journey.  African shamans are initiated into healing work by lightning strikes.  My shaman says, “Kathryn you have the mojo you don’t need me.”  I think she is the training wheels to my current bicycle ride. 

Home is healing with emerald energy placed at heart center by crow.  It’s waking up to Mexican curls on the pillow beside me and the sound of Telemundo echoing through rooms.  It’s Home Depot runs on Sundays because the Mexican is one who builds structures I never found home in.  Although when I go into the basement he renovated, I turn in circles thinking to myself this is now home.  I wonder about us.  I haven’t told him his spirit leaves his body and tells me how much he loves me.  He is afraid of this love.  I wonder about us; soul mates with the 222 energy circling us. I watch him in the garden through windows.  Keep the faith Kat and come home to your authentic self.  Whoever she may be I’m sure she’ll be strangely magnificent.

Everything grows in his garden.