Tag: personal growth

Manifesting Your Highest Destiny

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Uncategorized

Last summer I took an eight week class with my shaman to map my highest destiny line. I learned new shamanic prayers, ceremonies and journey meditations. I laid out my stones on my makeshift mesa cloth and journeyed to the upper world to see the highest destiny for this lifetime. I had already decided to go for the gusto.

I also took a screenwriting class. Memoir was full and there was that whole COVID isolation thing. I had to keep some form of human contact. I like everyone else had zoom fatigue but really enjoyed learning a new style of writing. I finished my first screenplay. The class loved it. We had some great writers in that class and I loved everyone’s scripts.

How is this connected? Writing is a huge part of my identity. If you ask me what I am that’s likely my first answer. I knew that my destiny map contained at least one writing project. I’ve had a novel on my vision board for three years. I’m still 55 pages into that project two years later. Finding time to write is really hard right now. I never imagined writing and producing a short film, but I did!

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My film trailer had everyone so excited! My teacher had said find five thousand and she could help produce my movie. I set out to find grant money as an individual artist and I’m pretty certain it fell from the sky lol. I’ve only executed the law of attraction without error on a few occasions and this was one. Side note more than five thousand is needed for film making. Do you have dreams and goals? Don’t worry manifesting magic is all around you! My film premiered this September in the Afrikana Film Festival. It was recently a final selection in the S.E. Manly Short Film Showcase. Is this my life?! Yes and it’s in transition! I’m currently writing episodes for a TV series pilot we’d like to create.

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The Return To Me Trailer

I’ve also started a reiki and candle business. I tried working for other companies but it just didn’t work out. I stopped trying to force things to fit. If you’re meant to let go just release. Likely something so much better is on its way! I love making these candles and providing energy sessions for clients. I’m completing my shamanic mesa and am so excited to embrace being a healer professionally. My hope is to generate enough revenue to give my nonprofit, STORY, general operating revenue. My products can be purchased on Etsy and reiki sessions can be booked on Schedulicity.

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My reiki studio.

We all have free will. As we prepare to begin a new year I’d like to suggest you reflect on your true desires. Is your life in alignment with your highest dreams for yourself? Dream big, dream often! Set your intentions, raise your vibrations and practice gratitude. Whether you choose destiny line one or five I hope it brings you immense joy!

Becoming My Authentic Self

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Inspiration, mindfulness, Spirituality, Uncategorized

It’s a Tuesday evening and I’m completing my whirlwind trip to San Antonio to discuss the importance of early childhood education with other professionals from across the country. Everyone was very energized by the topic. This is what happens when your work is your passion. You have insane amounts of energy. I was intrigued and somewhat excited, but not quite energized. I find myself questioning why and how did I end up in these work spaces? I’m questioning whether or not I want to pick up another community problem. I’ve seen three astrologers recently, and for the most part the readings were the same. I’m an insanely creative individual with a great human service work to complete. It seems this is the soul contract I agreed to. However, the neglect of self that I am forced to accept in my current work is taking a toll. I’m very often tired, I find myself fleeing to rivers for hydromancy and I can’t remember the last time I slept without thoughts of trying to solve enormous community issues waking me up. The cards said the best life is coming, so as the saints instruct you to do, I’m yet holding on.But do I want to hold on?About a month ago I stayed at Galleywinter Farm for the weekend at my first shamanic retreat. Rachael Mannwas the facilitator and I’ve been working with her for a few years. I was instantly connected to her after my first soul reading. I just knew I would be safe on my new spiritual journey with her. The purpose of the retreat was to find your soul’s highest destiny line among the many available to you. We did shamanic journeying, we danced the medicine wheel, sang Cherokee songs, made earth mandalas and I attended my first fire ceremony. I also saw my highest destiny line. It was amazing!

This is where I am energized. This is the work I don’t want to leave, but there are these annoying things called bills and obligations.Last year my organization began work around trauma. This translates to me as healing work. Shamans heal. I have been very excited to find myself in mindfulness training with teachers. I have discovered I have a talent for combining my reiki training and mindfulness practice with my mother’s gift for interior design to make calm spaces. I am currently creating these spaces for an elementary and high school and the community center where we work with low-income youth. Who knew I’d love this so much?! Definitely not me. I also began redesigning my organization’s website as our fifth year approaches. I have spent several weekends at my kitchen table heavily involved in web content and design. As I end this year, I want to ensure that next year I am my authentic self. I have really been thinking a lot about what this will look like. I know I will no longer be able to serve an entire community alone. Stress is manifesting itself in the form of sickness and must be addressed. Executive Directors have a whole team of persons in the form of a board of directors that are supposed to help grow the mission and funds of the organization. This has yet to happen for me and I feel like I’ve had the longest trek through the hottest desert. Any desire I had to save anyone or anything is about completely gone. Yet I am still the insanely creative with a need to serve.

However, direct service for empaths is very difficult.

As I look forward to 2020, I’m identifying steps I need to take to live a more authentic life. This demands that I pay attention to my natural writing talents and a few other things.

  1. Practice saying no.
  2. Take care of my health. I can’t help anyone if I’m not well.
  3. Write and write often. This includes working on my novel, journaling, blogging, poetry and more.
  4. Return all social work duties to their rightful owners by the end of the year.
  5. Take a real vacation.
  6. Make some new friends. The struggle is real in this area lol.
  7. Begin shamanic training.
  8. Return to my yoga practice.

Technically this list could go on forever as I need an intervention, but I’ll stop here. My hope for you if you’re reading this is that you’ve found your way to living an authentic, fulfilling life. If not it’s not too late. What can you do to begin to create the life you want? After all, we create our reality. Is it switching careers? Moving to a new place? There are so many choices available to become your authentic self. As always the light in me sees and honors the light in you. Namaste.

Divine Plans

by The Unconventional Life, posted in depression, Inspiration, mental health, mindfulness, Relationships, Spirituality

Zephaniah 3:17-18 – The Lord your God is with you; the mighty One will save you. He will rejoice over you. You will rest in his love; he will sing and be joyful about you. I will take away the sadness from you that would have made you very ashamed.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of my first conversation with the Haitian. A bittersweet moment. I don’t really know how to be or feel. I had started warning him our anniversary was coming up last month. It was exciting for me and a wow for both of us. In less than a year, together we had survived circumstances that had destroyed both of our marriages. Driving in the car one day watching the world through the window I said to him we survived. Later he put his arms around me in the kitchen and said, “You’re a strong woman. It takes a lot to deal with me.”

I remember waking up one morning in the beginning  and God saying, ” I need you to be with him in this season because you’re strong enough to handle what he’s about to go through.” I sat on the edge of my bed and looked at the floor. I had only one thought, why. I had just struggled through HARD. Like so hard I came through it crawling on the days that walking was impossible. Two separations had stopped me in my tracks. Days kept coming and going, but I was literally still for eight months. And then Jude. So I have this conversation with God and my whole body began to feel heavy. I thought self you really don’t want to do hard again. You can already sense the magnitude of this trial. And I just heard again you’re strong enough. I sighed and said ok I’ll honor your request of me.

And the winds picked up at such a force that I questioned the strength I supposedly had. His life was like woah. I was too scared to ask what else could happen cause it just seemed to get worse on its own. No sense in prompting the universe with questions. We would argue and he’d say you’re just going to leave me like every other person in my life. That would make me so angry. One day I just yelled back, “Where am I going?! I should’ve left by now and I’m standing here. I’m not leaving you.” That’s a hard truth for a person who needs to overcome abandonment issues. I know because he is me, we are the same. 

I read in his journal one day that both parents had died in front of him. I could feel deep grief on the page. Grief he never shared with me. Sometimes sadness would appear as tears in his eyes, but it came with no words. So I prayed. I prayed because he did things to hurt me, to test me. His actions were saying I bet you’ll leave if I do this or that. I got so tired and I said, “God what do I do with this one you gave me?” He only replied love him. Just keep loving him. Hurt people hurt others. It’s a self-protecting behavior I know all too well. It declares I will push you away because I have grown to love you and me hurting myself will hurt less than me risking you hurting me.

In my eight months of stillness everything about my spiritual life started to change. There was all of this law of attraction buzz and I was like I need to understand how this works. I’m still learning, but it didn’t make sense how he found me. He matter of factly said to me one day that I had drawn him to me. I was like how do you draw someone if you’re hiding from life on your couch. It just didn’t make sense. 

As the months passed I knew he was sent to teach me a different realm to loving. At times it made me very angry and frustrated. I’ve physically felt the weight of God’s love to the point I asked him to stop sending it before I fainted. I felt myself getting dizzier and dizzier and my only thougt was what kind of love is this. That was my gift from Jude. He has the heart of God. I’ve experienced its beauty. That’s what kept me.

In these last weeks my analytical mind has been telling me all sorts of things. Like you’re crazy. You can’t hear the voice of God. Settle for less than what you know is possible. Some days I flip and flip through the prayers and answers in my journal trying to silence the negative voices. Self-doubt has had me always seek confirmation from others for years. Even now. My journal pages say on different days Kathryn everything will be ok. Jude loves you. When anxiety would overtake me Jude would grab me and say everything will be ok. He never got tired of reassuring me, I was teaching him patience. He’d try to infuse all of the hope within himself to me.

I was standing in his kitchen when I heard God say, “Give him back to me.” Now I was like hold up abba I just got him back and now you want him back again. And I saw a vision standing there I’d had before of myself dancing. I knew that meant I wasn’t being given an option and that God would be there to again pick up the pieces. He has lessons to learn and I’d just get in the way. I have to focus on my work because it’s the stepping stone to my future. 

Anxiety. Depression. Two enemies I must defeat. This too shall pass. I wear the necklace he gave me as a reminder to not doubt the last year. He literally threw it at me. Go figure life with a Haitian.  I gave it back with a note saying this is not how to give a gift place it around my neck. He called the next day and said he wouldn’t tell me again not to return gifts a Haitian gave lol. When I saw him he put it around my neck complaining the whole time. He said, ” I must fucking love you this is a diamond.” I of course didn’t know how to respond since he seemed upset at knowing this lol. I will never forget the day he said very quietly, “You’re my best friend.” 

I recently sent him an email thanking him for gifts of laughter, love and acceptance. I’m the seer who knows the journey he is on. And no I can’t travel it with him. 

Dear universe you know what I want and I’m trying to rest in the knowledge that everything will be ok. After all it was in your divine plan for me. 

And Then There Was Light

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Hope, Inspiration, mental health, Relationships, Spirituality, Uncategorized

Colossians 4:2 – Continue praying, keeping alert and always thanking God.

I have been absent from the blogosphere because of so many changes happening so quickly in my life. It’s been truly amazing and I am so grateful for small miracles.

I just experienced one of the darkest years of my life, but I managed to find peace in the midst of so much turmoil. I did this through prayer, worship, exercise and yoga. For 13 months I only had two goals. Survive the turmoil by taking one day at a time and allow God to develop my character.

It wasn’t easy! Have you ever had one of those days where you feel crushed by problems and it throws you into depression and/or anxiety? Last week I had serious financial problems. A year ago I would have completely shut down from not having enough money. Today I acknowledged there was a problem, prayed and waited for God to provide the solution. Everything fell into place just in time. My husband looked at me and said, “Do you ever think about how God has perfect timing?” I laughed because about a minute earlier I had said a prayer of thanks for the very thing he was questioning me on.

I have started practicing yoga headstands when I feel myself getting anxious. I call it changing my perspective. There’s just something about being upside down. It allows me to visualize all the worries or problems falling from my mind while meditating on biblical promises. Quirky remedy, but it works for me and I have much stronger abs lol.

I never imagined I would be in a mental space of contentment. I had to release the need to control everything and everyone. Any drama being brought into my life by others was classified as optional. When pursuing peace it is not possible to live in chaos caused by drama. I had to choose the healthiest option for my own mind and spirit.

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Integrating into the Instagram yoga and exercise community has been amazing. I have so much encouragement from total strangers. I love the yogis who post insightful quotes with their pictures. Love and release of expectations are at the center of my practice. I do not have to be the overachiever driven by an insane need for success. Not to say I haven’t been like I can do that and tried some pose knowing better. I have. I’m a work in progress. When this happens I just remind myself I am not in competition with anyone. This is my journey and it’s ok to be happy with where I am in that moment. I am grateful for this paradigm shift in my thinking, it didn’t come easily.

I am grateful that I have stripped my Christian walk all the way down to the basics through prayer. Love is as basic as it gets. If people practiced the act of giving love more we would live in a better environment.

I sat one day and read some of the prayers I had written in my journal over the last year. I noticed there was so much need, but an overall lack of gratitude in the beginning for what I had. I have learned to be thankful for every small blessing. It’s amazing at what hikes and yoga mats will show you.

My home is happy and consolidated now. The husband returned with a puppy that I absolutely love. I have found a comfortable place to be in as a wife. I did not have this before. We are working together instead of separately. I made it through a very tough time with my oldest son. No parent ever wants to see their child at the mercy of a court of law. I prayed through asana after asana. I dedicated hours of yoga practice towards the reconciliation of my family. Everything is not perfect, but God finally spoke to my storm and said let there be light.

I learned to dance in the rain with a grateful heart. Heart openers are some of my favorite poses. You can’t receive anything if your heart is closed. For better or worse were the words I spoke almost nine years ago. So glad that the worse seems to finally be behind me.

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Don’t Wonder

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, depression, Faith, Inspiration, Marriage, mental health, Relationships, Separation

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Don’t wonder in the midst of trials. Pray. Don’t wonder about life. Explore. Write your own story mistakes and all. Just don’t sit on the sidelines watching life pass you by like automatic scenes through a viewfinder.

Take pauses to enjoy gifts, friends and occassions. Take time to feel pain, love, joy or whatever it is you are brave enough to feel. Going to the edge and letting your toes dangle requires courage. Do not shut off your emotions and feel nothing. That’s simply emptiness.

Fill your vessel with life and let it overflow. Don’t wonder if you’re doing it right. Just try. Take baby steps if you must. Be repetative if necessary. It is your practice. It is your journey.

Don’t wonder about where it is you’re going. Let the journey lead you to your destiny. Be surprised along the way. Make memories. Cherish those worth cherishing and release those who are not. Be grateful for those you release because they still served a purpose on your journey.

Don’t wonder. Have faith. Believe with your heart in your divine purpose. Connect with your soul. Be aware and not scattered. Be strong and brave. Do not run or hide from stumbling blocks along your path. Warriors fight for truth. Find your truth. Discover the beauty in being yourself in spite of mental, physical or emotional challenges. Be free to embrace all of yourself. Don’t wonder. Just be.

Today I took a three hour workshop combining yoga and writing. This was something I wrote to encourage myself. I drove to the studio listening to Ed Sheeran crying. What to do when you have a child breaking your heart with bad life choices? For now I can only breathe, bend, pray and write.

Learning to Walk on Water

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Marriage, Relationships, Uncategorized

2012 was an epic year for stress both personally and professionally. When you have no peace you become this monster of sorts. It got to the point where I didn’t recognize or like myself. I was so angry and frustrated all the time. I would come home and my family would be locked behind bedroom doors. My husband met me at the door one day and said I was like a piece of wood that had been soaked in gasoline and he never knew what would set me off. The weight and force of those words landed a powerful punch. I carried it for days. I am not one of the thousands of minorities that would tell you to go to hell for suggesting therapy so I made an appointment.

Fast forward to 2014. My husband has nailed me to particular places or arguments and is still holding me hostage. I used my imagination to erect walls and free myself from my clothing and walked away naked. I can’t continually live in those times and spaces. We were in a relationship that was a death sentence with weapons pointed at each other. Type A’s always keep a finger on the trigger, especially if you have deep wounds from others like me. You need to understand that what you’re demanding of the other person in a relationship you must also give. Your perception of how great a spouse you are doesn’t matter if that is not the other person’s reality.

I recently heard a NPR story on the havoc malaria was causing in Nigeria. Why? The reporter began to go into the daily lives of women in that country. She was the farmer, sold at the market, took care of the family, etc. As the reporter kept talking I was thinking to myself where the hell was her support? If a child came down with malaria everything came to a screeching halt because she then had to go take care of the child for two weeks. No farming, no selling, no income. My reality was burdens that were breaking my spinal cord, but his perception was a totally different picture.

I looked at that space where rusty nails drenched by tears were holding my clothes hostage and I ran to Jesus. He said to come learn to walk on water. I love oceans and mountains. They are peaceful places so I accepted his invitation.

I confessed like I was raised a devout catholic hurt after hurt. I can’t trust anyone. No one takes care of me but me. I give more than I ever receive. This shattered my self-esteem and I’m just a broken mess trying to exist in a broken family. So on and so on.

Hillsong United released a song called Oceans recently that I absolutely love. It took me back to basics. Is it more important to remain a Type A dictator and destroy everyone to climb some corporate ladder? Corporate ladders do not come with guarantees no matter how hard you work. All your hard work makes the top layer of the organization appear more successful or competent while you may be invisible. You increase your productivity beyond a safe zone because Type A’s thrive on stress and chaos. They can quickly come up with plans and solutions to fix everything. Not only that, I discovered my dreams have changed. I had to consider why I was giving all my energy to my job. My life was not balanced and I no longer need an executive seat. I examined a Type B personality and I said to myself it’s time for a transition. As dysfunctional as the setting was, I enjoyed being part of my family.

I’ve traveled a great distance on the sea. I’ve shed almost 50 pounds because water travel on foot requires focus on the one who can do miracles. I never thought much about myself being a miracle, but I feel like God sounded some ultrasonic call to me with an offer I couldn’t refuse. A chance to be made whole. The damaged pieces of me are being sunk to the bottom of the sea with each step. I am gaining divine trust and peace in my transition. The end of this trek will be called joy, something I’ve never known. I love being able to follow others on social media who have traveled to my destination for different reasons. Their photos and stories provide daily inspiration.

Life is far from perfect and I do get tired of fighting to now save instead of destroy my family all alone. That’s when I lay on the back of an eagle and soar high above the storm clouds that have blocked the warmth of the sun for far too long.