Tag: relationships

Home (Memoir)

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Faith, Hope, Inspiration, Relationships, Spirituality, Uncategorized

Where do you find home when you’ve searched most of your life for belonging? I have not found home in square or rectangular structures built by men with plans. I have found home in being a cypress tree in my dreams. Tall and strong with roots anchored deep into Mother Earth and branches growing towards the bluest sky.

Go home America says if you’re black, brown or any color other than white. My body traveled to the mother land, Nigeria to be exact. I walked out of the Lagos airport and saw the same shade of black among so many people. It was as if I was sifting the darkest coffee roast with my eyes instead of my hands. I wondered how I would find the man I flew thousands of miles to marry with no hue variation in people. Panic, awe and intrigue went through me all at the same time. Panic finally said, “Crazy girl you’ve done it now! Your ass did not think about everyone being Black and your phone not working across the Atlantic. What if his ass doesn’t show up to marry you?” I then looked up from my phone to see him walking towards me smiling. I breathed a sigh of relief. I saw blackness everywhere amongst strange foods and bright, patterned fabrics. We tried to find home in each other. We tried to forget we were running from the hurt of others as we exchanged vows and rode motorcycles. I tried to wash the heat of the land off me multiple times daily but had not packed enough clothes for so many showers. Perhaps that’s why the television shows I remember about Africa had half-naked people with painted faces. I would rather have been naked with tribal face paint standing in the ocean with blue green waves crashing around me.

We lived in my American house, but like I said, I never found home in structures created by men. When he left, I found home in an esoteric pull to mystic things. I was not scared because I’ve had the gift of sight into the supernatural since I was a child. Ancestors, spirit guides and spirit animals greeted and welcomed me home to my authentic self. My mother watched this journey and remembered my baptism as a baby in the spiritualist church. I always laugh as she tells me I was aunt Helen’s child as she stood at the altar with Reverend Hester. My mother sat in the back frozen with fear as objects began to float in air during the baptism. My mom is afraid of everything and we call her chicken little. I am awaiting the right time to visit the spiritualist people. My intuition tells me I know how to do their magic. Their founder shared my birthday and loved the woods like me. Reading his biography with my aunt was eerie.

I have a favorite meditation, come home to your authentic self. I think I find home in the evolution of me. My vertebrae merge African and Native American spiritual practices in my body. I left churches for bodies of water and campfires. I know the Cherokee heart song and have been jolted once by some electric force during a shamanic journey. African shamans are initiated by lightning strikes. My shaman says, “Kathryn you have the mojo you don’t need me.” I think she’s the training wheels to my current bicycle ride.

Home is healing with emerald energy placed at heart center. It’s waking up to Mexican curls on the pillow beside me and the sound of Telemundo echoing through the house. It’s Home Depot runs on Sunday because the Mexican is the one that builds structures I never found home in. Although when I go into the basement he renovated I turn in circles thinking to myself this is now home. I wonder about us. I haven’t told him his spirit leaves his body and tells me how much he loves me. He is afraid of this love. I wonder about us, soulmates with the 222 energy circling us. I watch him in the garden through windows. Keep the faith Kat and come home to your authentic self. Whoever she may be I’m sure she’ll be strangely magnificent.

Page of Cups

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Uncategorized

I can’t remember the time of day two years ago he asked me if I could have kids. I looked at him and said yes and that was pretty much the decision to start trying. For me it would be starting all over again. For him it would be his first. It was important for me to give him this gift, it was a component of my highest destiny.

For two years we tried and the energy between us got so crazy in 2020 that I don’t know how we survived, but we did. My shaman cleared a lot of karmic energy from past lifetimes that was causing craziness in this lifetime. We were both tired of clearing energy and asked if the highest destiny was worth the price I was paying. I was sowing in tears hoping to reap a harvest. I held on a little longer, but the craziness continued and I let him know that there would be no baby with me until he was ready.

My sister dreamed first of her little Mexican niece. She called me so excited. “I can see her! Oh she’s so beautiful! When are y’all going to give me my baby?” “We’re trying,” I’d say. My sister is in denial about our shared spiritual gifts since my exit from the church lol. I was the next to see her in a dream. She’s quite beautiful and I became exicted and exasperated at the same time. Page of cups energy kept surfacing in my tarot readings about my relationship.

You two are going to have a child. This child is really trying to come here, she’s waiting on the right time. She’s not coming into craziness. Does she know who she chose for her parents lol? Page of cups is driving the spread….

In August I gave up the hope of having a daughter and decided travel it would be. Project Mexican baby had simply taken too long and we had chose to spoil the dog even more than he already was. I gave up a lot of things in August that had consumed me for months in worry. We both felt the shift of me being pulled in another direction, one that had my full attention. I was laughing and happy all the time from the energy of making my first short film. I had not been that way in a long time. Blunt conversations were had and the alarm sounded as I realized that perhaps I just might have had enough of trying.

You don’t realize what you have until it’s almost gone. Get it together sir, I tried to tell you I’m every woman. Soy bruja y mujer juntos. Soy especial. I’m the soul mate holding up the mirror so your reflection evolves, you do the same for me.

On the fifth day of the fifth week, my doctor called and said Ms. Thompson you’re pregnant. Five is the number of major changes coming. I was at Baker’s Crust eating a chicken sandwich and fries. “Sorry, what did you say,” I asked. “Ms. Thompson you’re pregnant.” I had drank a whole bottle of wine before as I was certain menopause had come for my ass years too early, so this news was surprising. I had been trying to think of a way to tell him no es possible ahora. Now I was calling saying we’re having a baby. His reaction was flat because he thought I was lying. I hate liars and he knows this lol. He sent his daily lunch text asking me how things were going. I asked him if he had gone crazy that day since he was clearly ignoring my big announcement. When he realized this was really happening I got the happy emoji and everyone was excited.

View of the lake during my hike

On the sixth day of the sixth week, I started spotting. Six is the number for balance. All the energy around me was out of balance and I had been going through a very stressful work event. On Tuesday night I went to the ER and turned back around when I saw how many people were waiting. I was not risking covid. The next morning I had an ultrasound and baby was there. I left the doctors and my spirit whispered life is leaving your body. I tried to be still. I promised everyone I would. I worked from the bed. The bleeding got worse daily. By 11:30 Saturday morning there was no baby and I could not reply to the daily lunch text. I didn’t want to carry the heaviness of losing his first child.

He’s been amazing. We don’t know where this new guy came from, but we like him much better. On Sunday I hiked 5.5 miles to keep from crying all day. I don’t recommend doing this. You’ll always find me by the water during stressful times. My friend dreamed of my daughter. It seems my great grandmother is trying to help her enter this realm. I will not worry any more. Today the emperor and empress joined the page of cups, it’s driving the spread.

Home

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Inspiration, Relationships, Spirituality, Uncategorized

Where do you find home when you’ve searched most of your life for belonging?  I have not found home in square or rectangular structures built by men with plans.  I have found home in being a cypress tree in my dreams.  Tall and strong with roots anchored deep into mother earth and branches growing toward the bluest sky.   

Go home America says if you’re black or brown or any color for that matter.  My body traveled to the mother land, Nigeria to be exact.  I walked out of the Lagos airport and saw the same shade of black among so many people.  It was as if I was sifting the darkest coffee roast with my eyes instead of my hands.  I wondered how I would find the man I flew thousands of miles to marry with no hue variation in people.  Panic, awe and intrigue went through me all at the same time.  Panic finally said, “Crazy girl you’ve done it now.  Your ass did not think about everyone being black and your phone not working across the Atlantic.  What if his ass doesn’t show up to marry you?”  I looked up from my phone to see him walking towards me smiling.  I breathed a sigh of relief and said, “Damn you’re crispy and I’m here now.” 

I saw blackness everywhere amongst strange foods and bright, patterned fabrics.  We tried to find home in each other.  We tried to forget we were running from the hurt of others as we took vows and rode motorcycles.  I tried to wash the heat of this land off me multiple times daily but had not packed enough clothes for so many showers.  Perhaps that is why the television shows I remember about Africa had half naked people with painted faces.  I would rather have been naked with white tribal paint on my face standing in the ocean with green waves crashing around me.  We lived in my American house, but like I said I never found home in structures created by men.   

When you left, I found home in an esoteric pull to mystic things.  I was not scared because I’ve had the gift of sight into the supernatural since I was a child.  Ancestors, spirit guides and spirit animals greeted me and welcomed me home to my true self.  My mother watches this journey and remembers my baptism as a baby in the spiritualist church.  I laugh each time she tells me I was Aunt Helen’s child as she stood at the altar with Reverend Hester.  My mother sat in the back frozen with fear as objects began to float in air during the baptism. My mom is afraid of everything and we call her Chicken Little.  I am awaiting the right time to visit the spiritualist people.  My intuition tells me I know how to do their magic.  Their founder shared my birthday and love of woods like me.  Reading his biography with my aunt was eerie. 

I have a favorite meditation, come home to your authentic self.  I think I find home in the evolution of me.  My spinal vertebrae merge African and Native American spiritual practices in my body.  I left churches for bodies of water and campfires.  I know the Cherokee heart song and have been jolted once by some electric force during a shamanic journey.  African shamans are initiated into healing work by lightning strikes.  My shaman says, “Kathryn you have the mojo you don’t need me.”  I think she is the training wheels to my current bicycle ride. 

Home is healing with emerald energy placed at heart center by crow.  It’s waking up to Mexican curls on the pillow beside me and the sound of Telemundo echoing through rooms.  It’s Home Depot runs on Sundays because the Mexican is one who builds structures I never found home in.  Although when I go into the basement he renovated, I turn in circles thinking to myself this is now home.  I wonder about us.  I haven’t told him his spirit leaves his body and tells me how much he loves me.  He is afraid of this love.  I wonder about us; soul mates with the 222 energy circling us. I watch him in the garden through windows.  Keep the faith Kat and come home to your authentic self.  Whoever she may be I’m sure she’ll be strangely magnificent.

Everything grows in his garden.

Turning A Karmic Corner

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Uncategorized

I released 10 red balloons into the night sky standing on the back patio the Mexican built for me. It only took him four hours once I conceded he really didn’t need my help lol. It was the last step in releasing an energetic pattern that kept resurfacing in my relationships. I was being guided by intuition and a vision I’d had about my relationship while in a crystal reiki session and balloons had also been in a dream.

An unraveling started on February 10th, days before my birthday. I had made a shamanic healing appointment, not knowing sadness would accompany me to Charlottesville again. I entered Rachel’s apartment and took my normal seat on her couch and welcomed the pets. She asked what we were working on that day and I began the story of the problem of loving men born on January 28th. I had no idea how I had manifested this birthday back to back, but I had issues with it.

“Rachel I need you and Jesus to fix this issue. This is the absolute last time I’m dealing with cheating. Absolute last!” She then asked me how I had approached relationships when I was younger and I scoffed. “I never wanted relationships or children as a result of childhood observations,” I said. Relationships equaled heartbreak over and over again. I of course loved the men of that time, but I wasn’t faithful to any of them. I could only shake my head at my former self.

Now my thoughts are very different. The soul mate showed up in 2017 and brought peace and happy with him. Happy like I’ve never experienced before. So Rachel and I did the spiritual work and broke a soul contract from an Egyptian past life. I had had many lifetimes of being an unfaithful partner in this contract. I saw black smoke followed by Egyptian writing leaving my hands and feet as she journeyed into the past life.

Post session. I cried so much I thought I would faint!

From there I went into a silent weekend retreat a couple of weeks later. I wanted an apology from him I wasn’t getting. I wanted answers that weren’t coming. So I sat at the river in the cold and thought. I sat on a wooden church pew and wrote poetry trying to get past everything. He was living in his ego space and I was desperately trying not to match that energy and stay in my heart space.

Reflection views from the retreat.

Things started getting better with us in March, but I’m highly intuitive with psychic gifts. I knew something wasn’t right. I had a tarot reading on April 6th and the tower was driving the spread. My reader did not want to give me more bad relationship news so she kept bringing my attention to the card opposite the tower. I had no idea the tower meant shit was about to get real and self destruct again a few hours later. Why was this happening? I took care of this in February. I did a second tarot reading and scheduled another shamanic session. Everyone was on the same frequency, I only had to survive this one more time to get to the sunshine and rainbows on the other side. I focused on the 1010 energy and broke ties with that queen of swords that was causing me to have an extremely low vibration.

Rachel and I ended my karmic pattern of oppressive relationships with men. This cycle was ending for good and a new one was beginning. She said I had came into this life to experience how I had treated women in a past life. I remembered what I had learned in October and put the energy for the new life into the earth mandala.

I did not lose sight of my highest destiny line no matter what circumstances showed up in my reality. My family and friends were over it, especially my sister. My sister also dreams the future, so she was torn between wanting her Mexican niece she had dreamed and telling me to stalk taco food trucks to find my boyfriend’s replacement. My highest destiny was written in my journal. This Mexican was top pick for this lifetime.

My grandmother came to me and said let him find his way back to you. I waited 30 days and thought this isn’t working. We’re dealing with massive ego issues. I again went into the humility of the heart space. I was met with anger of not providing the family he wants with me. I met that with compassion. I explained the natural and spiritual reasons of why his daughter was taking so long to get here. He likely doesn’t know what to believe dating me lol. I think most Mexicans are catholic. He doesn’t want to believe in shamans. I stand in front of him and say, “Soy chaman.” He just looks at me like what the hell lol. I had my last session with Rachel last week and the orcas and dolphins were our guides. We sat on the ocean with them holding our children while Rachel again journeyed into the past life to fix energy causing current problems. She said stop trying to make the baby with desperate energy and find the way back to the joy and love we had before.

I went to him on Mother’s Day and told him I was tired of fighting. He was tired too. We made up and said we’d work on us. A few days before I saw a license plate that said last try. We were able to fall back into the peace of being soul mates for a few hours. He’s still in the ego space and angry with me. I will keep meeting this anger with compassion. I know his disappointment makes him want to hurt my heart so I will feel what his does. I sincerely hope I can say we made a baby in a couple of weeks so this will be done with!

As I end thoughts on my current life experience I want to provide encouragement to myself and whoever may read this. Life is not perfect with soul mates, but if it’s worth fighting for choose your battle wisely. Also remember to fight for yourself. We can lose our identities loving someone. Rachel demanded I return to my sovereignty and stop giving my power away. Sometimes space is a good thing even when it feels like death. Lastly what is meant to be will be. I happen to be with a soul mate I’ve been with for lifetimes. So let’s all stay present, breathe and believe for miracles.

Namaste.

The Adverse Effect of Neglect

by The Unconventional Life, posted in christianity, Faith, Marriage, Relationships, Separation, Uncategorized

About a month ago my therapist gave me homework to complete with my husband since we had no pre-marital counseling. I walked out of my appointment that day feeling a bit hopeless and afraid. I didn’t know how I was going to bring this core values list back to my next session. As luck would have it, I had to cancel my appointment. I was relieved! It has yet to be rescheduled.

A week ago, my husband called and asked me what I thought we could do differently. This was my chance to get this task done and I took it. We sat at the kitchen table and I wrote down our lists. We decided that night he would move back. I should have been doing some sort of celebratory actvity, but I couldn’t. The more I reflected on the lists, the more I realized I would be living the same neglected life I had before. His list only included his individual needs. My list had individual and couple items.

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I feel like a misunderstood mime at times. I send important thoughts through emails because of this. I have had to learn how to effectively communicate, but often feel like he manipulates my words to his benefit. This is a very empty state of being. I came up with a metaphor comparing myself to an ATM machine. If there are no deposits made, you can’t withdraw anything. I am in desperate need of deposits, but that is not on his values list. I asked for the husband to spend more quality time with the wife. Of the examples I gave, he hesitantly agreed to do one possibly two. Date night to him equals watching a movie rental every Friday.

So I sent another email saying I want a husband that does x y z. As I was typing it I realized he is not that husband. While I desired to be a better wife over these months, he doesn’t appear to match that with his efforts. This account balance is negative and the machine has seized his card. It’s amazing the support I have found through others, but I truly want that to come from who I married. I don’t know much about his father, but it sounds like he spent very little quality time with his family.

I have found my voice and communication skills, as well as more of myself. I know I don’t want to be a neglected, invisible wife. What happens from here I’m not sure. I’m like a turtle who is constantly forced to retreat to the safety of its shell.

I do know this, in my faith the husband is supposed to love the wife as Christ loved the church. Love does not neglect or manipulate. Selfishness does. Marriages should be more about selflessness I have learned. When your partner, spouse or whatever expresses a great need do not leave a void. There is a danger in letting someone else make that person feel appreciated and valued.

So here I am in the safety of the shell. There’s just one problem, my greatest desire is to be out in the light experiencing the true benefits of a selfless kinda love.

Make Me Feel Beautiful

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Marriage, Relationships, Uncategorized

He asked had anyone told me I was beautiful on that day.
I replied no as my mind tried to recall the last time I had heard the word in reference to me.
He said, “Well let me be the one to remind you, you’re beautiful.”
A smile instantly appeared on my face
Replacing so many frowns and creased brows.
He makes me feel beautiful.
He holds doors and pulls out chairs for me
And I feel special
I feel like a lady.
He finds my mind intriguing and wants to memorize the vessels in the chambers of my heart,
But it’s on life support now.
I say I have nothing to offer but brokenness
He says you’re beautiful.
I think he’s insane,
But I just want to feel beautiful.
I want to know what it feels like for a man to know my worth.
I want to be dependent on appreciation, love and arms to hold me.
I miss being held and being asked to make love.
I remember what it’s like to make love
It makes me feel beautiful.
Secretly I’m a hopeless romantic.
I want to fall into the fairytale in my imagination and never leave
Prince Charming doesn’t have to be perfect just willing
Willing to wake me with kisses and pull me into a space reserved only for me
Willing to take long walks holding my hand
Willing to take risks and try new things so life never gets boring
Willing to love me as I solve the broken puzzle pieces of myself.
With tears staining my cheeks my eyes say
Make me feel beautiful
Remind me that I am priceless
Say there is only one Kathryn and
Let me rest in an embrace just for awhile.
Its been a long December,
Just let me rest here in an embrace just for awhile.

Sometimes Your Most Painful Loss Can Be Your Greatest Gain

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Uncategorized

I created this blog to share my funny stories about being married to a foreigner. I thought it would be fun to blog the craziness, but shortly after my first post the bottom dropped out of my marriage, heart and soul. I’ve been wondering what to do with this blog. What can one do, but go with the plot twist.

Separation ranks at the top of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. Thank God for a therapist! My first question to my therapist was if I could be selfish. If I could only take care of me, because I didn’t have the energy to do anything else. Not even take care of my kids at the usual level. Thankfully he said yes and we’ve been working on me every two weeks. Pulling up wounds from the roots is hard work, but I’m expecting a beautiful garden in the spring.

I remember when the teetering started in February. I slumped down a wall and told God it would kill me to have to watch him walk out the door and I wept. I still weep. I took the easiest route by packing a suitcase and leaving before I had to watch that scene. A person’s missing presence in a home will make you find strength that you didn’t know existed.

I’m thankful for prayers and Jesus. I know what it’s like to have him wipe every tear just like the song says. Marriage is hard, especially when there are cultural behaviors you don’t understand and neither party had great examples to reference.

I came to realize how much I neglected myself in all this. Every day is not sunshine. Some days are extremely difficult. You know there will be no one to ask how your day went or put their arms around you on a winter night. Occasionally the pain in your heart becomes so great you need someone to share its weight.

I found a promise to cling to during this season of my life. Psalm 71:21-22 says, “You have allowed me to suffer much hardship, but you will restore me to life again and lift me up from the depths of the earth. You will restore me to even greater honor and comfort me once again.”

I now find it amusing that I use to live on multi-year plans. You can’t edit out a tremendous heartbreak, but you can choose to live and let broken pieces heal. You can search for root causes like I am doing, so that you do not carry junk into the next relationship. You can choose to hope in the midst of desolation. You can choose to let the light and warmth of love flood your heart again because it feels so very good.

Choices are intentional. Make good ones.

It all started when….

by The Unconventional Life, posted in Uncategorized

We did it!
We did it!

It was a few days before Valentine’s Day 2006 and I was on a plane from Richmond, Virginia flying to Lagos Nigeria to get married. My match.com experience had turned into something unexpected. I was marrying a foreigner. A foreigner that was very, did I mention very far away.

I’m the adventurous one in my family. The risk taker. Everyone else, with the exception of my sister, marches to the beat of normalcy. I was the first to try online dating. The decision came when my first grader took the remote from me as I was watching My Wife and Kids and demanded to know why his family did not have a daddy that lived in the house. How do you answer that type of question from an underage midget?! Needless to say I was speechless. I was given my orders to find a “live-in” daddy that evening. I went to bed wondering where on earth I was going to find a date not to mention a husband! There was an implied “mom hurry up with this request” undertone in my son’s voice.

The whole match idea was about as out of the box as I could go. It was literally a part-time job. I browsed profiles daily! I like the fact that America is a melting pot with lots of samples. I kinda knew I’d end up with a foreigner, other cultures just fascinate me.

Godwin literally popped up on my computer screen one day. The irony was I had stumbled across some African dating sites and had been browsing profiles and Godwin had seen my match.com profile. We began chatting for hours every day. Days turned to weeks and then months. I had found the one person on the planet I could share anything with. I could just be me and he was ok with it. This was the most liberating experience I had had in my entire life. I never expected to love him, but I fell hard and fast like a derailed train gaining momentum.

I remember arriving in Nigeria and seeing a sea of black faces. I just stood there with my mouth open looking every direction. What I had done hit me like a ton of bricks. I had flown across an ocean alone, my cell phone no longer worked and I was searching for a black needle in an all black haystack! Panic overtook me and I was just about to lose it when he saw me first and came up to me with a smile. This was really happening! The webcam companion was standing in front of me. My eyes had to adjust to all the blackness around me, but oh was it beautiful. My first words to him were, “Damn babe you sure are crispy, but I’m here now so let’s go.”

I got cold feet the day of the wedding while awaiting our turn at the justice of the peace. I was ready to have a Runaway Bride moment, but Godwin pressed his forehead to mine and I melted into him. We were fingerprinted, given docs and gave the officials something to talk about with that wedding kiss of ours. LOL! We celebrated with cake that had the texture of a brick and didn’t taste much better. We missed our flight back to Lagos and had and eight hour adventure.

It’s been 7 1/2 years filled with hills and valleys. I still find him intriguing. I like waking up with him beside me. I find beauty in the contrast of our skin tones when my limbs cross his. I know he will wash my car every Sunday and fix anything broken in the house. I still want to be his wife and I pray for many more years to come.