When the lips are silent the heart has a hundred tongues. ~ Rumi
Listening for a heartbeat…..
Tag: yoga
Grounded
I took a walk in the woods and came out taller than the trees. ~ Henry David Thoreau
If I Had Wishes For Falling Stars
Jude 1:2 – Mercy, peace and love be yours in abundance.
I am the color of peanut butter. Native, African and European collided to make me. Sometimes I feel as if I don’t belong to any particular people group. White doesn’t claim me. Black says I’m not black enough. Native doesn’t know me and refuses to historically accept me and those like me in some tribes. What is my identity?
My husband very proudly declares he is African. He is in love with his blackness. He looks at me and shrugs lol. He along with everyone else in my family thinks I’m not black enough. If one more person asks if we’re having black food for Thanksgiving we will be in a drive through! Is it too much to ask that my gourmet palette be indulged for one day?
My life experience has been very different. Black girls hated me growing up and I could never understand why. I just wanted friends. The white girls took me in and were my best friends. They taught me about shaving legs and wearing eyeliner in elementary school. My mother hit the roof. Her black child was not supposed to do those things! I snuck and did both and my sister made sure to sing like a canary. I belonged to a group so I didn’t care and I very proudly lifted up my aqua net bangs with my friends. She messed up my census paperwork anyways. I was supposed to be an other lol.
Middle and high school were different. Leaving West Virginia for Northern Virginia was culture shock indeed. There was such diversity! It was awesome! I am the color of peanut butter and I sounded like a country hick/redneck. Black kids demanded I be quiet or go back to wherever there were people with my accent. My sister tried to work with me for days. I will never know how she mastered the accent of the hood that we’d never been to. Exasperated she gave up and begged me to say I was adopted. No one wanted me to answer the phone, it confused whoever was calling. I sang John Denver’s Country Roads every single day. Ahh sweet childhood memories. Luckily the asian, white and hispanic kids were ready to befriend me. I was in honors, you only needed to be intelligent. I also landed two black friends.
So this is the back story to what exactly? A grand jury verdict I suppose. I don’t know how to feel due to my life experience. Should I be enraged, mournful or anxious? I keep asking my husband if perhaps we should try Canada? He’s enraged. I’m thoughtful. Last night we were watching his black history DVDs followed by a sermon in a black church by a black man. “Kathryn you hear that,” he asks. I reply yes. I want to understand a black man’s experience in America, but is that even possible?
Five days a week I am surrounded by black children because I work in public housing. My sons are black teenagers. At times I am concerned about their existence in this country.
I asked God to show me something after my yoga class on Sunday and we made a few stops, but this verse in Jude stuck with me. It is the focus of my yoga practice. Yoga has no color. I belong to a people group again. The instagram yoga community is amazing! I find more of myself with each pose. I do headstand when I am overwhelmed. I call it changing my perspective. I have been balanced on my head quite a lot for months. My husband thinks I’m crazy, but last night he was balanced on his head as well. He keeps asking me why I spend so much time on my head and in yoga poses. I always give the same response. “I’m looking for Jesus. We meet on my yoga mat.” I then listen to very long speeches on mixing religions. He doesn’t realize I left religion for relationship a long time ago. People do evil things behind religion. I just want to emulate the heart of God.
So if I had wishes for falling stars. I would wish all human life mattered not it’s origin. I would wish that none of the public housing children would fall into doomed generational statistics. That children sold into sex trafficking would be set free and their souls healed. That child soldiers would lay down weapons for toys. That young girls would not have to be mutilated or become child brides. That diversity would be appreciated. That the heart of yoga would flow through more people. That my son would pull his damn pants up! That I would be accepted for myself because peanut butter is freaking awesome! Above all I pray that mercy, peace and love be your covering.
Namaste.
And Then There Was Light
Colossians 4:2 – Continue praying, keeping alert and always thanking God.
I have been absent from the blogosphere because of so many changes happening so quickly in my life. It’s been truly amazing and I am so grateful for small miracles.
I just experienced one of the darkest years of my life, but I managed to find peace in the midst of so much turmoil. I did this through prayer, worship, exercise and yoga. For 13 months I only had two goals. Survive the turmoil by taking one day at a time and allow God to develop my character.
It wasn’t easy! Have you ever had one of those days where you feel crushed by problems and it throws you into depression and/or anxiety? Last week I had serious financial problems. A year ago I would have completely shut down from not having enough money. Today I acknowledged there was a problem, prayed and waited for God to provide the solution. Everything fell into place just in time. My husband looked at me and said, “Do you ever think about how God has perfect timing?” I laughed because about a minute earlier I had said a prayer of thanks for the very thing he was questioning me on.
I have started practicing yoga headstands when I feel myself getting anxious. I call it changing my perspective. There’s just something about being upside down. It allows me to visualize all the worries or problems falling from my mind while meditating on biblical promises. Quirky remedy, but it works for me and I have much stronger abs lol.
I never imagined I would be in a mental space of contentment. I had to release the need to control everything and everyone. Any drama being brought into my life by others was classified as optional. When pursuing peace it is not possible to live in chaos caused by drama. I had to choose the healthiest option for my own mind and spirit.
Integrating into the Instagram yoga and exercise community has been amazing. I have so much encouragement from total strangers. I love the yogis who post insightful quotes with their pictures. Love and release of expectations are at the center of my practice. I do not have to be the overachiever driven by an insane need for success. Not to say I haven’t been like I can do that and tried some pose knowing better. I have. I’m a work in progress. When this happens I just remind myself I am not in competition with anyone. This is my journey and it’s ok to be happy with where I am in that moment. I am grateful for this paradigm shift in my thinking, it didn’t come easily.
I am grateful that I have stripped my Christian walk all the way down to the basics through prayer. Love is as basic as it gets. If people practiced the act of giving love more we would live in a better environment.
I sat one day and read some of the prayers I had written in my journal over the last year. I noticed there was so much need, but an overall lack of gratitude in the beginning for what I had. I have learned to be thankful for every small blessing. It’s amazing at what hikes and yoga mats will show you.
My home is happy and consolidated now. The husband returned with a puppy that I absolutely love. I have found a comfortable place to be in as a wife. I did not have this before. We are working together instead of separately. I made it through a very tough time with my oldest son. No parent ever wants to see their child at the mercy of a court of law. I prayed through asana after asana. I dedicated hours of yoga practice towards the reconciliation of my family. Everything is not perfect, but God finally spoke to my storm and said let there be light.
I learned to dance in the rain with a grateful heart. Heart openers are some of my favorite poses. You can’t receive anything if your heart is closed. For better or worse were the words I spoke almost nine years ago. So glad that the worse seems to finally be behind me.
Sink Way Deep Down
There has been such tragedies in the news over the last week. Momentum building with one story after another. Eric Garner strangled to death by choke hold. Michael Brown murdered in Ferguson. Robin Williams commits suicide because of depression. Two more black males murdered by law enforcement. People fleeing persecution in Iraq. I spent most of my week weeping for people I don’t even know.
I may never meet them, but I have prayed for them. My oldest son is 18. I tried to talk to him after the Michael Brown tragedy, but I honestly could barely find words. The picture I had seen of the mother brought my breath to a halt. Only a photograph can capture that level of agony. I carried that image in my mind for days.
Photo credit: Huy Mach
I’ve carried pain in my heart for months. Shifting it around, trying to lessen the load. Praying, breathing, meditating and stretching beyond my current self. There is a lot going on in my life. My marriage is still at a complete halt. I can at this moment say I’m neither married nor single. I live in question mark status. Nevertheless, I’m going to rely on the one who never changes. Jesus. He is trying to get me to be a better human through all of this. Pain causes you to grow.
I had decided to close my joint account last week and begin processing divorce in minuscule increments. Even that seemed to be too much. A text from my husband came at 5:45 a.m. Do not close the joint account. Translation is simple, we are not taking the first step towards divorce. I could only type ok.
I have read Proverbs 31 many times trying to figure out how to become this woman for my family. I have worked so hard on self-improvement over the last year. I’ve been waiting on my sons and husband to notice. For someone to call me blessed. My son called me crazy a few days ago. I really contemplated his one word description of me based on my past actions and it made me very sad.
I have been taking yoga classes every Sunday and Tuesday. It’s becoming something I need to do to start my week peacefully. Reflecting on all the violence stemmed from hatred in the news I placed my mat on the floor. I was praying for a scripture to focus on during the class. In front of me was a yogi that had a stone placed on her mat. I know that has to do with chakras and energy. Our instructor wanted to chant. I abstained, but I listened to the beautiful sound it made and it left me with a very good feeling. I have been dedicating my yoga practice to God healing myself and my family. So many different people and beliefs in one room and there was no hatred. Maybe some have life complications, but we all left it on the mat. I was the only brown person in the room, but I felt peace not fear.
Romans 14:9 – So let us try to do what makes peace and helps one another.
I honor each life experience. For experience teaches wisdom and we should never grow tired of learning. Every life has value. Every problem a solution. Your belief may be different from mine, but I serve a God of such an amazing love. I am going to do my very best to share this love with my family and whomever else I’m destined to encounter. I also believe we should love our planet and the animals that don’t speak human. Let your roots sink way deep down as storms will come from time to time. Like yogis you will find we have the ability to bend and not break.
I am very grateful for every person that took the time to pray for me and my family over the last year. I am thankful we are all here. I am thankful that I know God is no respector of persons. I am thankful that miracles can arise from the most horrific circumstances. I am thankful God restores the broken. Namaste.
Support Beams
On Wednesday I layed it all on the line via text message. The response I got was detached. Be brave and ask hard questions when you need answers. He said there were too many bad memories to save our marriage on Thursday. Thursday I said no more tears because I’ve given my best effort. Today I woke unsure of what direction my life is about to take. Forty and dating just doesn’t sound appealing. It’s gonna be ok though. I’ve come a long way baby and I’m not standing alone.
Darling I Am Here For You
If you love someone be present.
Darling I am here for you. I am here exposed as naked as I can be in a brightness like a surgeon’s light in an operating room. Will you cut me open and discover what lies beneath my surface? I am here even when I don’t want to be. I am present. No longer hiding behind locked doors or barricaded in between walls. I am present. I proudly raise my hand like a kindergartner when you call my name and acknowledge I am here with you.
Whether it be familiar or unknown. Light or dark. I am here with you to express and discover love as it changes and takes on new forms. It’s meaning may change with seasons, but I will always be present in the words I do. I will accept challenges. I will pursue peace with all my might. I will love and be loved because it is my divine right to do so. I am now. Not future or past. Not unforgiving or anxious. Just now. I am a gentle touch, a reassuring word, a prayer warrior.
I am part of a family no matter its challenges. My identity is weaved amidst each member. My security and assurances recorded in ancient text in chapters and verses. I am present to be in my role acknowledging that I have purpose. Accepting my responsibilities. I am present to participate. I am present to live.
I feel love at my fingertips. In my heart. At the brush of your lips in happier times. Love’s energy flows through each step that connects with earth. Love is captured in each photographed memory. Close your eyes and remember its sound. Darling I am here for you. I am here exposed as naked as I can be.
Don’t Wonder
Don’t wonder in the midst of trials. Pray. Don’t wonder about life. Explore. Write your own story mistakes and all. Just don’t sit on the sidelines watching life pass you by like automatic scenes through a viewfinder.
Take pauses to enjoy gifts, friends and occassions. Take time to feel pain, love, joy or whatever it is you are brave enough to feel. Going to the edge and letting your toes dangle requires courage. Do not shut off your emotions and feel nothing. That’s simply emptiness.
Fill your vessel with life and let it overflow. Don’t wonder if you’re doing it right. Just try. Take baby steps if you must. Be repetative if necessary. It is your practice. It is your journey.
Don’t wonder about where it is you’re going. Let the journey lead you to your destiny. Be surprised along the way. Make memories. Cherish those worth cherishing and release those who are not. Be grateful for those you release because they still served a purpose on your journey.
Don’t wonder. Have faith. Believe with your heart in your divine purpose. Connect with your soul. Be aware and not scattered. Be strong and brave. Do not run or hide from stumbling blocks along your path. Warriors fight for truth. Find your truth. Discover the beauty in being yourself in spite of mental, physical or emotional challenges. Be free to embrace all of yourself. Don’t wonder. Just be.
Today I took a three hour workshop combining yoga and writing. This was something I wrote to encourage myself. I drove to the studio listening to Ed Sheeran crying. What to do when you have a child breaking your heart with bad life choices? For now I can only breathe, bend, pray and write.
The Unconventional Life 
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